Little Cavie,

I think it's great that you've created this thread and seem to have found ongoing mutual support in James 😊

It's good that people are talking more about BPD here because not only does it help you guys, it also gives ignorant people- like me- some insight on BPD (however limited).

It must be hard...hang in there.

Dottie x

Hi Dottie

Thanks for your lovely message.

It's really great being able to discuss BPD stuff with other people. I agree it's good being able to chat with James about our shared experiences.

I told my psychologist about the forum and she was initially a bit unsure but she liked the idea by the end of the explanation. I'm glad you are finding stuff out too about BPD too!

LC

Hi LC,

Any time 😊

I'm glad your psych came around, and I agree that it makes an enormous difference to be able to talk to someone who can share firsthand experiences with you.

So keep talking ha, ha. It's healthy 😊

Dottie x

Haha it sounds like academia suits you just perfectly. I think I was the same. I loved learning all the theoretical stuff about economics and applying statistics to data to see trends and stuff, but moving into the actual finance is just completely different. It's all just people skills which thankfully I can pretend to have, but completely intellectually unsatisfying. I mean, it's hard, but not hard in the way I'd like.

Ah your fur-girl sounds lovely :) Her favourite things are also oddly my favourite things too, haha. I just love the simplicity of pets and dogs especially. They don't want anything special - just the simple things in life.

What kind of activities do you like? I'm talking to Deb on her thread at the moment about being childlike and we were talking about how we seem have a lot of curiosity about things, and we try to do everything in whatever holds our interest at a point in time. Do you do that as well? It does sound like you have a wide range of interests which is great.

James

Hi James

I don't have great people skills and I'm terrible at pretending! It makes working in a service industry such as at a law firm really difficult. I have just always been more bookish and not people smart. I think it's more than just a BPD thing, it's more like a 'me' thing if that makes sense. I think the theoretical stuff is just more rewarding for me.

I sometimes wish I was a little dog :) It would be so nice and I wouldn't have any worries! You'd get excited all the time at really mundane things - for example, she loves cardboard tubes and always wants someone to give her a tickle. I just had a little lie down with her on the couch which she loved :)

My activities are a bit too personal. I think if I mentioned them and someone read this forum they would be able to work out exactly who I was. Most of the activities are a bit academic in nature, for example competing or judging law competitions. I was involved in the federal election as well, so I am quite interested in politics and international affairs. I find I like to get involved in activities, but I have maintained my interests over the course of my degree. I find my interests are pretty stable and I like doing the same kind of activities, even if I get involved in a slightly different society.

Do you play any video games? I am really keen to play Civilisations 6, but I need to finish my assignment first. I absolutely love strategy games. I haven't played Civs for ages, so it will be awesome to have a new version to discover.

Anyway back to my assignment!

LC

Hey LC

Aha I never had great people skills either but it was just something I ended up working on a lot through later high school and uni. Yeah, I think that might be more a personal preference thing rather than BPD. Have you ever done the Myers Briggs personality test or one of the other offshoots?

Haha yes, my doggy can just lick the floor all day. You should youtube "Bird Rolling In Used Toilet Paper Roll". It's soo funny. Your comment about cardboard tubes made me think of that.

Ah cool, no worries :) I think it's great that you've identified your interests. Do you like international politics as well? I think I'm more interested in the theory and philosophy of politics, whether domestic or international. But it is annoying how none of it seems to be applicable and gets thrown out the door! Do you have many friends from uni? I found it really hard to make friends there and only managed to land a good group by chance, but then we all went our separate ways a bit after uni and kept in touch as a group for events like carols or sculptures by the sea. I don't think we'll continue it though because I was going out with one of the girls in the group and we've now broken up after a few years so it'll be a bit awkward.

Oh Civilisation 4 is one of the few games I still play, haha. I still play Civ 4, Zeus (by Impressions Games, a classic city building game), Heroes of Might and Magic and sometimes I play Halo on my XBox. Civ6 is coming out soon right? Or is it out already? I never played 5...but I hear it was pretty good.

What's your assignment on?

James

Hi James

I really should have go at a personality quiz. When I applied for a job at a commercial law firm, I had to do a occupational personality quiz. You had to choose between 3 options which you most agreed with and least agreed with. I have no idea where I've put the results, but I found I had a strong preference for rules, and not as good with soft skills although good at persuading people of my opinion. It was really stuff I knew, but it was interesting to see the results.

It's really good that you have worked on those skills - they are so important.

I do like international politics as well. I keep pretty up to date with news and regularly read the Economist and Guardian Weekly. I have been following the American Election fairly closely. Trump is like watching a train wreck, which increases interest! People actually heckled him when he said he respects women as much as any other man. It was a bit concerning when he said he wouldn't concede defeat should he lose.

I had a really good group of friends at uni, but when I got sick things changed a bit. People finished their courses and started working. I've been a bit slower to do my course because of my hospitalisations. I found that I always felt disconnected from groups even before I got really sick - so I could have been with a group of people and I would feel out of place. I did have a close group of people and we had lots of intense discussions about mutual interests. So that's been good.

Ah that makes it a bit tough with your group of friends. Hopefully you can still meet up with them.

I think Civ 6 is out today? I'm pretty excited :) I have not played a game in ages but I am pretty excited about Civ 6. But I know that downloading the game now would not be a good thing to do. Next week.

LC

Hey LC

Yeah, most of it is pretty much confirming your own ideas already, but there's some value in then reading about other personality types and how your two personalities interact.

Haha Trump is a train gone off its rails. The scariest bit though is hearing other people defend Trumps comments as "boy talk". That makes me sad. Like we want a boy as president?

Ah that's a shame about how the hospitalisations changed your friendship group a bit. I guess it happens anyway though when people leave and start work. My friendship group has really shrunk now and I'm not yet 25. Still, I don't mind it too much. I like having a small group anyway. Yeah, I think it's just a matter of hopefully we can all just get over that and meet as friends. I mean, I'm open to it, but we'll see. We can just meet individually in the meantime I guess.

Oh really? I will have to look at it. Haha yes, almost next week! If you get it, you'll have to let me know whether to also get it :P I've been dying to get something new because it's been aaages since I bought a new game.

I saw your other thread about your confusion about your sexuality. I just wanted to say I think you're an awesome person and I'm sorry to hear that your past has been tricky on all fronts, but I'm really glad things seem to be pulling together again!

James

Hi James

Thanks. That's really sweet. Yeah it sucks how much my past impacts me now. I'm actually feeling so relieved. I've felt pretty good about the idea and I've managed to get asked out on a date. I think she's very nice from chatting with her so I'm nervous but also excited.

I bought Civ VI but haven't played it yet. I just wanted to get it so badly :) I've finished a draft of my essay so I'm well on track which also is good. I've been so disciplined :p

That sounds nice about small groups of friends. I think you end up with smaller groups as you get older. I should organise a dinner with some of my friends. I haven't gone out for ages.

Yes it is sad. I can't believe he said he is going to not concede the election. The allegations that the election is rigged are extraordinary. Then you have the leaked emails and association with Russia. Trump threatened to sue the women who have come forward. He is terrible!

How did your date go?

LC

Oh I'm so excited for you! When's the date?

Mine went super duper well. We'd met online and to be honest, I wasn't sure because she wasn't the most excitable person via text, haha. But in person was super lovely and chatty so we had a really good time bowling and then getting some lunch.

She had a couple of other dates after and the next day, but it appears they didn't go well enough to stop a second date from happening so we're planning to go to the zoo this weekend :) I'm really keen.

The BPD thing is confusing me though because basically throughout the entire process I've been carried on a huuge rollercoaster. The whole idealisation/devaluation thing is so true for me unfortunately. I was kind of hoping it would be one of the traits I don't exhibit but I've really seen myself do it internally. At least knowing this has meant I've kept my wits about and just...tried not to show it outwardly. I really want to make this work. But in saying that, I'm also wary that in trying to make it work I might end up twisting my own self to make it work which was what my psych wanted me to be really vigilant about. Blargh. Relationships are a pain. Haha.

In saying all that, I do really like her :) Sorry about the essay there, haha.

Oh when's the essay due? (i.e. when can you start playing? haha)

Dinner with friends sounds good :) You can do something low key. Or even ask one of your friends to organise it if it makes you a bit nervous doing that.

Hahaha yeah I read about him saying he wouldn't accept defeat and would also sue the 12 (11?) women after the election. That was hilariously scary. Ah, he's crazy. I can't believe his wife has stuck by him to be honest. She must be out of her mind as well...well, less than a month to go.

James

Hi James

That's awesome. I'm glad to hear it went well and you are having another date. The zoo sounds lots of fun. I look forward to hearing how it goes.

As for the BPD issue, I think the greatest thing as you describe is that you are aware of what you are thinking and are managing to keep an eye on it. I think with BPD it's a lot of learning how to manage symptoms so they don't impact on relationships as much as they did before being diagnosed. So I think you are doing a really good job. Hopefully it works out.

It's much ahead of when I'd have to reveal it, but I wondered at what point do you disclose your condition to your date. I am a bit anxious about that part!

Essay is due on Wednesday, so getting closer to the due date. Will be happy to submit it.

LC

Hey LC

We've had to change the zoo to seeing the cirque du soleil because I forgot my motorbike course is actually during the middle of the day not the morning. But the zoo is (hopefully) going to be a third date idea ;)

Yeah... I am struggling a bit with the self awareness though because it angers me that I'm like that, and I take that anger out on myself. But if I can do my best to keep the BPD out of the relationship that should be better. My psych appointment is on Monday so I need to get through this week and the actual date on my own, haha.

Ah yes, the big reveal. I have no idea! I have been fretting so much about that. What if she decides it's too much to deal with? :( I was reading online and people were saying not in the first 8 dates, but I think the best rule of thumb is: when you feel like they like you as a person. There'll be things you hide, which everyone does, but when you find that connection between yourselves and not just the facades, then it's probably time to tell. And not all of it, but just that it's there and you're working on it.

Tomorrow! Good luck luck luck luck! I'm excited for you because then you get to play Civ6 and tell me all about it. Hahahaha. Go shred those laws (or support them) - whatever they actually are. I don't know much about the laws specifically, but I always wanted to do the International Security course our uni offered.

James

Hi James

That's a seriously cool date location. I like that you are seeing a show and will have limited chances to chat before and during the show. So the show will have a huge impact on the dates success which is out of your control. It sounds like a winner to me.

Have fun on your bike!

The BPD stuff does make it hard. I understand the frustration. i suppress stuff and then turn on myself to feel something. Yours sounds more like anger needs an outlet. I think I've got lots of anger I just don't express it.

oh yes the reveal! i don't know when but I reckon when you feel comfortable with them. I don't know how many dates that will be. So that's a bit anxiety producing! I made a thread on the issue and got a number of responses.

thanks I ended up finishing it today and so tomorrow after a good sleep it is civ6.

Haha it's going to be super fun. I love the circus. Just gotta make sure I can drive her back home safely afterwards :P My only crash was when I got momentarily blinded by the low sun and hit, at about 10km/hr, a parked car. With my now ex in the car after we'd just been to a movie date (I think the third date?). It was highly embarrasing. Made worse by the fact that the people whose car I'd hit were having a party in their front lawn and saw everything, haha.

Oh yeah, I used to do that a lot. When we were doing schema therapy, we noticed i was perpetually in "detached protector" mode. But since recognising that, I've tried to just open myself up and now I feel everything - it's horrible, haha. Do you feel the anger? I didn't realise I had that much until a psychologist pulled me aside once and told me that I was super angry in the meeting, and I didn't realise I was, but when she said it I was like - yeah, you're right.

Oh cool. Congratulations :) Let me know whether I should get it! I've gotten bored with Civ4, haha.

Hi James

I have faith in your driving - you won't hit any cars on your date. I had a car run into the back of me when I slowed down in a slip lane. It was fairly scary and my car was out of action for a while getting fixed. The driver had tried to avoid me but all the impact was in one corner so if I recall correctly it bent the axil and dinted like 3 panels.

I did an exercise where I had to do a dialogue with two parts of me and my psychologist got me to be angry and I felt so out of control that I thought I needed to be in hospital to be safe but I felt ok once we'd moved on. So I'm definitely not used to dealing with anger. I'm in detached protector heaps of the time, but I've become more vulnerable child over time and more healthy adult. If something is really difficult in session I become dissociative and my psychologist has to get me back in the room. Some of the imagery type stuff is difficult. I couldn't do it on Tuesday because I didn't want to feel the feeling we had just reached from our preliminary discussions, so we had a lighter session which was what I needed.

I was worried about the date too because I didn't know how my psychologist would respond and I didn't want her to abandon me. So I got a bit scared prior to seeing her. Do you get fearful about your psychologist abandoning you?

Civs is pretty good. The graphics are still fairly basic but all the various choices you have to make along the way are an extension of the last version. I found I got to 200 turns fairly quickly, and I'm happy with how I'm going. I'm definitely a warmongerer at heart. It's an improvement on Civ V so it would be better than Civ IV too. Maybe worth waiting until there is a sale, but it's good.

LC

Hey LC

Sorry about the delay in my response and probably what will be a crappy response here. I'm trying to keep a bit of a low profile until I get to my psych appointment today but I've been feeling guilty about not replying (despite reading) so i thought I'd just drop you a quick note!

Imagery is super hard. I hate it even though it helps. So it sounds like you're recognising the shift away from detached protector? That's good. How does it make you feel? I've seen it in myself but then we realised my coping mechanism wasn't good enough so we stopped and I get a bit confused now. And I've also been recognising all these things I do about my identity so that gnaws away as well. Haha I'm not being very specific sorry.

I was thinking about that on my way to work today because my psych appointment is today. I realised that the little thoughts I'd been thinking in the previous few sessions where I was deliberately avoiding stuff, and how I hate compliments and stuff...I think I'm less worried that she'll abandon me but more worried that she'll either tell me something about me which I don't believe in and that will shatter my trust of her, or that I'll tell her something that she doesn't believe or know and that will make her feel...bad? I don't think she'll abandon me because she gets paid to see me, but I feel like any connection we have will just disappear and then I'll be on my own again. So then I started tossing up just leaving and finding a new psychologist until I realised it would just happen again with them. I don't know. I feel like I'm being resistant to treatment and I'm trying to figure out why.

Sorry, I dont' know if any of that made sense. It's okay if you don't understand what I'm saying. I don't either, haha.

Do you have a favourite civisilisation/leader? Is the battle system better than 4? I hate the fights in 4 simply because you can be travelling on nicely and then all of a sudden megadeathstack appears with tanks while you still have muskets hahaha. Okay, that's probably just me being bad at the game :P

James

Hi James

Yikes dating is really making me aware of my BPD. I was texting her and I realised I was being too intense and not waiting for responses. I then became really obsessed about her, pretty much idealising her despite not meeting her. Before I even met her I I was worried I'd failed and she'd not like me. I then felt angry because I had been too intense and was screwing up my chances. I then saw her and it went well but I haven't heard from her, so I'm feeling a bit crappy now.

Oh yes it's hard doing imagery work. Some of the memories I come up with really surprise me.

My brain assumes both my psychologist and psychiatrist will disappear at any moment! So I actually need a bit of reassurance at times. My psychiatrist is not young, so I assume she's going to decide to retire but she has assured me it will be some years and that eased the anxiety quite a bit. I tend to accept the advice from both of them and so I'm quite vulnerable in the sense than I can easily persuade me about a course of action. I tend to forget that they are just human and I don't have to always agree with what they say. So maybe a part of me just wants to be accepted by them? Not sure. I think I'm just anxious they'll suddenly disappear and I'll be by myself and won't have support like when I was really sick before I had my first admission to hospital.

The gameplay seems really good. I've a tendency to start games and then not progress to the end? I'm not sure which country is my favourite. I'm playing quite an aggressive military game at the moment and I've just got gun powder and so I'm ready to attack another state, but need to build up strength. I haven't been attacked by a random nation with a super strong army, but I've just been attaked by a really strong barbarian force (like 8 units) who were hidden from me.

Anyway hope you are going ok

LC

Yes I got the let's be friends text. It was a failed exercise.

Hi LC,

I was concerned after I saw your last brief post. I remember you saying at the start of this thread that you used to self-harm. Thankfully you couldn't find something to harm yourself with. Do you have a 'safety plan' for when you have the urge to self-harm? This Beyondblue safety plan site can help: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Saving Beyondblue's number (1300 22 4636) in your phone is a good idea.

I hope you're doing okay LC!

Best wishes,

Zeal

Hi Zeal

Thank you for your concern. I shouldn't have made that post last night.

I don't have a specific safety plan for self-harm. I had taken my night meds last night so wouldn't have been that alert, so a plan would not have made any difference. I also don't think I need one for self-harm. I won't get into the specifics, but what I tend to do is pretty safe and I'd feel so silly ringing a hotline about it. It's just not that serious. I will tell my Dr when I see her.

LC

Hey LC,

Oh that's a real bummer. And I know exactly what you mean by getting obsessed and becoming too intense. I think I mentioned somewhere else that my BPD has really begun flaring up again because of the dating. A friend suggested I try dating multiple people as a way to show myself that there's no need to get obsessed with the one person. Can you imagine that? Hahaha. I don't think she quite understands that I'll then become obsessed with two people and hate myself for it. Wouldn't that be horrible? Sorry, I didn't mean to turn that into being about me. My point is that I know what you mean :( I forgot - do you have a GP or someone you can talk about it to? I'm basically setting ground rules with my psychologist on my dating and I show her the texts. I find it helps.

I know you're feeling super bummed out right now, but I think it was a good thing that you tried. When you feel ready again, you can always give someone else a go. Knowing how we are, there's never a shortage of people for us to latch onto, hahaha. I say that jokingly of course...got to set those boundaries for ourselves. If my current dating person goes south, I'll refer you over :P She's bisexual!

Oh my gosh, what you said here is so true! "I tend to forget that they are just human and I don't have to always agree with what they say." I feel like I have to be and do what my psychologist says because if I don't, then they'll stop liking me. And the worst bit, and I hope you don't do this as well, is I mould my feelings to suit what I think will make my psychologist like me more. Whether it's being more sad or more upbeat. How silly is that? I'm certain I'm trying to get better so my psychologist doesn't feel like I failed, or that she failed. Do you do that with friends?

Ah, I hate the gunpowder stage. In Civ4 at least, the strategy for me was to go straight to cannons because they literally blew the past siege weapons out of the water. But then I'd cripple my economy and I'd give up, lol. Or there'd be a mega super alliance somewhere and I'd be left sitting third with the alliance sitting above me.

How's your week looking? Your exams are coming up soon right? I dont' know how old you are, but there's the Friend's Cafe which has a few uni students in there if you ever just feel like hvaing a chat.

James

Hi James

I'm going into hospital :( taken a massive dive.

I read your post, but im not feeling well enough to respond

LC

Hi LC,

I am sorry to hear you aren't coping well. I hope the hospital stay can help in some way. I hope you don't mind me replying to the post to James by the way. I just saw this brief post and wanted you to know that I hope you're okay. Not being able to reply at present is completely understandable.

Take care,

Zeal

Hey LC,

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know when you'll see this, but I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

I'll always have time for you.

Take care

James

Hi James

Dating absolutely magnified by BPD symptoms. I am over the girl now. I can talk to either my psych or psychologist about it. They're both really good.

Im happy I gave it ago. I'm currently chatting to a few options.

i possibly moderate what I fell my psychologist but I'm very open with her.

Anyway bec

That's confusing LC :P I shalln't call you Bec then.

And I'm glad it sounds like you're in a better head space now. Do you think chatting to some others helped?

I ask because my thing also fell through which sent me rock bottom. After 3 proper dates that went on for 4, 8 and 7 hours, as well as some lunch breaks together, she said she realised she wasn't physically attracted to me but also it'd be too weird to be friends and bam! We connected so well that even on the last date she'd commented that she hadn't laughed so much and was suggesting things we could do this week. It felt like a moment of panic and so...yeah...blargh. So being me, I jumped straight back online after a day of wanting to, you know, and started talking to people. Now magically I'm okay.

How often do you see your psych? Do you find it enough?

Hi James

I'm feeling much better and probably going home tomorrow. Although I might try to get home tonight if my Dr lets me. I've been in hospital so much and I'm just so sick of it. So a very short stay. I need to work on staying out of hospital when things get hard because it's not a sustainable option.

I see both my psychologist and psychiatrist weekly, so I'm well supported. I sort of wish I saw my psychologist more frequently but that would be too much!

I'm sorry that she decided not to see you anymore. People are so weird! I felt with my date that we were getting on super well and then she just didn't want to see me again. I'm glad you bounced back again :) I've got a nice person I'm talking to online that I'm going to meet which will be good and I'm going to join some Meetup events to increase my net of people.

I'm looking forward to cuddles with my doggy :) I miss her.

LC

Hey LC,

Ah yeah, I'm so determined to not go back if I can. But I guess sometimes we need the time out. Still, the isolation and break of the daily routine just sucks because then you have to get back into "real life".

Still, I'm glad you're feeling a lot better and coming back out. Are you being picked up by your parents?

Will you be seeing your psychologist before you meet up with this new person? I've got someone I'm meeting on Sunday :) There's someone else who I'm worried I scared off by asking if she wanted to meet up a bit too early, but we'll see...

Haha my bird has been super temperamental recently. I think because he was molting then flew awkwardly and lost his flight feathers so he couldn't fly for a while. Probably feels a bit vulnerable. But my dog (at dad's) is always super happy!

Lovely to hear from you again :) :)

James

Hi James

Agree. It's hard getting back into real life after a hospital stint even a short week stay.

I'm reducing my sleeping tablet and I had a pretty lousy sleep last night so feel a bit wrecked today.

I haven't got a day worked out to see the new person but I think she seems pretty nice. I'm less intense about her at this stage, so that's a relief! I know I was too intense with the last date. I had attempted to organise a date with another one but I started to lose interest and decided not to meet up with them in the end. I think with those dating apps if you wait too long you lose interest quickly! I guess I was starting to find her boring. I will most likely see my psychologist before seeing the girl I'm chatting to at the moment.

My doggy stole a tissue out of Mum's pocket and was so pleased with herself. I'm so happy to be home with her. Poor bird! Your doggy sounds cute. They are such good companions. My psychologist brought her doggy to my appointment this week and he sat on my lap for the entire session. It was the best.

What are you planning to do with the date on the weekend?

LC