Hi James

My weirdest borderline symptom has to be this - sending legalish letters/emails when I get triggered. It's what my psychologist calls "lawyer mode". I did so last night and woke up with an omg did I really do that feeling...

im guessing you don't do the same! It's a very strange thing to do...

LC

Hey LC,

So it was my birthday on Friday :) I managed to break my phone and bend something on my motorbike which I've now fixed. Very expensive birthday, hahaha.

Ah, yeah, no I don't do the lawyer thing :P I mean, I guess I did used to write excessively long and formal emails to my ex but I've managed to contain that this time around. It is a very strange thing, hahaha.

So my update of the weekend: I've been chatting to this person online since....Tuesday? Been talking quite a lot and it's pretty fun. It's all on a friends basis and we're meeting up on Wednesday to go to the cat cafe I think I mentioned before. But yes, all friends because she really only just recently came out of a relationship so I don't think either of us think dating is the best thing at the moment.

Trouble is, I'm interested on the basis that there's genuine feeling reciprocated. We get along really well, but on the romantic side I wouldn't have a clue what she's thinking. I don't mind just being friends, but the balancing act of being friends but not "friendzoning" myself is one I don't like, haha. So I don't even know what to do at this stage!

But in writing all this, I realise that we've been talking for less than a week and I really shouldn't be thinking so far ahead :P

Blah.

I hope this week is good for you and not too rocky!

Woooow man I have gone waaay

Way too far ahead in my head. I don't understand...

Hi James

Well done for picking up that you've taken a jump in your thinking. I think the fact you are aware of it is a really positive step. Well done. I quite like the idea that the girl is only wanting to be friends at the moment because it's a bit less pressure to make her like you in a hurry but also agree that it could get a little confusing as time goes on and if the friendship becomes something more. I think focus on just having fun at the cafe and just getting to know her at this stage. I totally get why it's hard to know what to expect! But I think it's really good you've worked out you've only just started chatting to her as well. I think you are you doing a good job.

Oh Happy Birthday! But also how annoying that you had to fix things. My iPhone is getting a replacement battery due to sudden turning off as part of a limited recall but also have to get my screen fixed at the same time.

Yeah I'm hoping this week isn't so rocky - I'm feeling a bit tired because I go from one emotion to the next so quickly. I ended up feeling really anxious on the weekend and on edge which is an uncomfortable state to be in. I see my psychologist today and just thinking about how much material I give her each week!

Anyway I should try to go back to sleep

LC

Thanks for the encouragement :) I was so bummed out last night

I hope the session is useful. Being knocked from one emotion to another, especially anxiety, sucks big time

James

Hi James

I hope you're feeling better today. .

I was so flat and had a headache.

I've discovered today that I am really sensitive to small changes at the rooms. So there is a sign that has the names of the clinicians and they get added to the list depending on who is in at the time and I freaked out because it was different to the week before. And I didn't like it when my psychologist was in a different office for a session. Bit strange! I'm going to bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see her.

LC

Ah my attachment is flaring up pretty badly. Anxious when she doesn't reply. Wanting to get revenge for not replying. Feeling like tomorrow's cat cafe meet up will go horribly wrong. Planning waaaay too much and too ahead of time. This is a disaster :(

Paraphrased message from her yesterday: "wait do you like me as more than a friend after just a few days of messaging?"

I didn't know how to respond :(

SOrry I forgot to ask: when's your psychiatrist appointment? I guess it makes sense though right? You felt comfortable in the "old" room, so when that got changed, it was like your comfort space was also changed.

Sounds pretty tough. I wouldn't know how to respond either! I kind of had a similar message with my last date where she basically said I was being too intense messaging her too frequently.

Different circumstances but I ended up worried that my dr would leave me because I was going to tell her about my need to control the environment issue and how I basically keep a look out for her when I'm hospital for reassurance and know if she's in by whether her stuff is in the nurse station. She was basically like yes I know you do that. And seemed really relaxed about it and just said you are in the stage of your treatment that you are a bit dependent. So it was much less stressful than anticipated. I got so worked up about it last night...

LC

Ah bit anxious and unsure what to do. A guy who likes me and I've actually slept with him before is texting me and wants to grab a drink. I kind of want to see him just to see what he is like and to catch up but worried it will end up in me feeling like I have to sleep with him...

Oh it sounds like that turned out okay with your doctor. It's so strange how we can get worked up about something that isn't even true! I'm trying to learn to be more upfront about what I'm worried about, but it's terrifying because I'm afraid that in admitting I'm afraid they'll leave, they'll say it's okay but get creeped out and leave, lol. Have you read much about secure, insecure and avoidant attachment styles?

Can you shift it to morning or early afternoon rather than late? That way it's easier to just have "something" afterwards?

Omg talk about catastrophising. So same girl, I sent a text which didn't get a response for an hour and progressively through that hour I went from she's probably eating to she's probably talking to her friends to she's probably having sex with her ex but that's okay to she hates me I should die now. Then just got a message : I had a nap

I feel like an idiot

I haven't read up on attachment styles. I don't think I'll catch up with the guy and I'm trying to work out what to do. I'm feeling pressured to catch up to appease him and it's the wrong approach and a very vulnerable place to be ahead of a catch up even if I have it during the day.

Oh that sounds hard. Do you see your psychologist any time soon to work out some strategies?

I have had a pretty good day and been thinking about further study in... 2018. Lots of planning from me!

LC

Hey guys. I hope you don't mind me posting - I only just found this post (wish I'd seen it earlier) and could really relate to what some of you were talking about. I was only diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar type II about 2 years ago and still adjusting, getting to know who I am (a grown woman in her 40s, but hey, life's a journey of self discovery and growth). I have had really poor relationships and have lost most of my close friends because of my emotional outbursts/mood swings and anger issues. I go from content to furious in 5 seconds and then back again moments later. I've lost a lot of jobs over it as well as good friends. It's exhausting. I have suicidal ideation alot, for no drastic reason - it can just be I was having a bad day, something someone said that set me off. I'm learning to address my thinking patterns but still have a lot of work to do. I tend to have obsessive thoughts a lot and would often be really jealous of friends over the tiniest things. I've had hallucinations too. I've actually made stuff up in my head too from the over thinking, obsessive thoughts and then they became my reality. For example, a guy I started to like at work. Our eyes met and that was enough for me to think he was the one lol. I obsessed over him for months. I tend to do that with almost every guy I've dated. I've idealized some of my friends too and became really possessive/jealous. I'm very self centered at times without even realizing it. You guys sound like you've all been through a lot. It's nice to know there are others who have experienced similar things with BPD and understand what it's like. I haven't heard of Schema Therapy but have read a bit about DBT and have tried CBT and ACT. so many acronyms lol. I hope I can read through some more of your posts and try to catch up and get to know some of you. Thank you :)

Hey LC,

Ah if you're feeling pressured I agree, not a good place to be, no matter what time of day.

Umm, Wednesday I think. I'm nervous about the holiday period though...no support (I honestly struggle a bit with the phones, because I know what they're going to say and don't trust them enough) for two-three weeks.

So I was pretty blunt with my not-really-date and just said that if she ever wants to stop talking, can she please just tell me outright. That gives me a little bit of piece of mind at least that silences aren't because she doesn't want to talk. Hopefully it works.

Oh wow, that is a lot of planning haha. It's good to have those goals though. :) I'm just planning for next year, but mostly from a money budgeting perspective to see what I can afford.

Hey girl_interrupted,

Welcome to our little thread :) :) Reading your post...I'm amazed you managed to get through all that without ever knowing what it was until 2 years ago! That must've been very infuriating for those years (not that you're old!!) I've seen some of your other posts elsewhere and you definitely seem like you've been through a lot as well. Are you still seeing a doctor at the moment?

I hope your day is okay :)

James

Thank you James. It's good to find forums that address our issues/questions and that we can exchange ideas and experiences on a non-judgemental plane. I had a break from counseling and have just found another one. I'm really glad I did and I'm feeling much more positive about my progress and my future. I'm starting to reconnect with people (well sort of). I went to a meetup group for relaxation and met some lovely people. I was surprised at how well I did with focusing on my breathing and mind/body. Funnily, afterwards I felt rejuvinated and couldn't sleep. I was reading your post about attachment types. I'm going to research that a bit more (as well as BPD). There's so much I have yet to learn. Do you know which type you are? (if you don't mind me asking).

What are your short term goals for next year? I've started mine already (joining meetups, mindfulness, relaxation etc). I'm trying to look at it as an ongoing change, rather than just a NY resolution type thing.

I forgot to ask: Does anyone hear music repeated over in their heads? You know, like when someone starts playing or singing a song and then it's in your head? Except for me, it can be the same song I heard moments before/days before, or a completely different song. I'm trying to work out the triggers, but it seems to be when my mood is elevated (either up or down) in some way. Anyone? Kind of reminds me of Ally McBeal - a show that was on years ago about this lawyer (Ally) and she used to hear songs in her head when she was upset/emotional/excited etc).

Hey g_i

Yes, I've found it very hard to find people I know who understand or can talk about it with any kind of personal experience, which often leaves me frustrated. It's wonderful that you're going to the meet up groups. I also go and have been to some for anxious people (I'm not really anxious, but I associate better with quieter crowds), writers and nerds/geeks. I'm enjoying the meet ups though I have to be careful I don't attach myself to anyone in particular.

I'm not sure what type I am. I'm struggling to understand the difference between insecure and avoidant, and also to just understand my own behaviours as well. It's really the first time I"ve had to be mindful of what I do and think, and I'm noticing a lot of thought patterns that would be classed as being kind of unhelpful, haha. So just trying to get a better understanding of myself at the moment.

Mhmm short term goals would really lie around continuing to go to the meet ups and keep at least one hobby going at all times. It's hard when I keep changing hobbies (e.g. I've completely stopped writing). Also to keep up the dating and challenge myself that way, though I'm scared I'll push myself too far like I did last night!

Oh that's interesting. Do the songs serve a soothing purpose? It could be a self-soothing mechanism. E.g. I don't do that, but I do wander around telling stories in my head without thinking, and in my head acting out a movie of my life with all the dramatic shots and songs, haha. I don't know if it's a BPD thing, but it could be a soothing mechanism to help cope with the craziness that is BPD. Also, did you think of Ally McBeal ever before it started? I know someone with BPD who said she copies TV characters, not just real people.

James

Hi g_i

Welcome to the thread. I can definitely relate to your experiences with BPD and the impacts it has on so many different areas in your life. I am working on lots of things at the moment with my psychologist. I had a conversation with my dr recently about how I seem more BPD now since my depression has improve a lot, but she said it's more that I've become aware of the thoughts and feelings so I'm better at connecting with how I am. A concept in schema is the detached protector and sort of it's a coping mode where you shut off a bit and for ages I didn't really feel anything at all.

I need to go to a Meetup group - you both seem so positive about them!

I haven't experienced that with music.

Hi James

Yes, I think I need to not catch up. It's a recipe for disaster.

Oh that's a good idea to say that to her. I think that gives you some peace of mind.

I agree with your comments about the helplines. It's not the same at all. I find a lot don't understand BPD and that's not ideal. So I sometimes ring my local hospital and talk to their triage team who generally know more about BPD. Or my private clinic if it's not too late. I have had some really good chats that way and I don't worry I'm going to get an ambulance called on me!

Anyway massive headache relating to a sore back so I'm off to bed.

Night

LC

Hey LC and James, I hope you're both going ok. I'm about to crash so this is a short message just so you know I've read your last posts and will respond in detail later. I'm exhausted after a busy shift at work and need more sleep. Just quickly, I found a forum that discusses the music in the head thing - it seems to be more common in people with Bipolar which is interesting. Anyway I will write more soon. Take care guys x

Hi all

I am on holidays and I'm starting to feel a bit iffy already because I've got so much free time and I don't know what to do with myself... I get like this when I'm on holidays, it's a bit of a difficult time for me. I have to come up with things to do! So things to read and activities. I basically have to make up a timetable...

Will have to see how I go.

Lc

Hey g_i, I hope today is better for you. I'd love to hear what the cause of that music thing is :)

Hey LC, Yeah I don't know who to call...ever. And it always seems to petty to me because I think about the cause and it always seems so minor, that I just don't want to tell people. When you say private clinic, is that the one where your psychologist works? Are you able to contact her out of appointment as well?

Free time is horrible. It will definitely be good to come up with a timetable, but don't feel pressured to follow it strictly. They're just things that you plan to do and try to do. I filled my timetable and went to about half of the things, but it was better than not going to any!

James

Also, James is shutting down right now before he starts riding the wave that breaks and dumps him through the water and into the sand. Better to float and be sloshed around. Pretty horrible right now :( As of about 30 minutes ago.

Hi James

I hope you feel a little bit better now.

I sometimes ring the hospital I go to after hours, before 9:30 pm as I get on really well with the nurses. I also have to contact them to get on to my dr. She's pretty good at calling back, I sometimes just need her reassurance, although now that I'm thinking about it I've been doing it way less often. My psychologist is on email and she is really good at responding. And then I've a bit contacted Beyondblue online chat, but I find I need a really discrete issue otherwise I find explaining all my background takes too long to get support ... Lifeline chat is more helpful I find and they usually chat to you longer. I just don't particularly like phoning because I worry that they'll be alarmed and call an ambulance ...

Anyway hope you are ok.

LC

Ah I'm not really better :(

Today has been horrible.

My motorcycle clutch started to slip this morning so I'm nervous about riding back home because if it has an issue, the power won't be transferring to the wheels and I'll just be revving the bike really hard in Sydney traffic, going at 10km/hour or backwards on a hill.

Then I got an email from my mum with some notes my preschool took on my development and some of that stuff makes me sad because I don't remember any of it, but I can already see the beginnings of my own personality traits that I really dislike in there, particularly the more BPD ones.

I also got an email yesterday about possibly starting honours again and I don't know whether to put myself through that intensive stress or not, but I'm worried that if I don't, I'll miss the opportunity with some great supervisors, if I haven't missed it already by deferring.

And throughout the day, I've just been agonizing over whether to just tell this girl that I really like her, but the whole situation is messing with my head because I don't know if she would even want to be dating properly or just be friends, but she seems curious about me as well because she was asking if I was talking to anyone else online, but then I wonder if I'm just overthinking everything. I don't know. I'm very confused.

Blah.

I want to go home and sleep and cry. Trying my best not to do anything impulsive or stupid.

Sorry...I had to get that out...

I hope you are okay. Did you manage to make any plans?

Is your doctor in the hospital?

Oh, and to add to all that my place wont' be settled until next year so I can't move in and settle down over the holiday period. And they said mid-late January, and I'll be in Japan then. I just...yeah...I feel so done with all this.

Oh sounds like it has been a pretty hard day.

It is definitely interesting about the preschool personality notes, although also hard because you recognise how entrenched those things are even when you are really young. It is making me wonder what I was like when I was really young and how much of the BPD type stuff was present when I was little.

Honours could be good. I am really pro education for health and restoration, but it definitely could be really stressful and that could be hard. It also means going back to uni and that can be expensive.

The girl sounds really confusing. It seems you are struggling a lot with it. It is a little hard to know what to do. I guess a question is whether you are able to cope with the situation at the moment with the resources you currently have.

My Dr is connected with the hospital, but also sees people in her rooms.

Oh man! That is so annoying about the dates for moving. Pretty difficult!

Anyway hope you are traveling ok tonight. I will check here again before I go to bed if you need to vent some more.

LC

Hey LC,

So I fixed my bike on my own but I get the feeling it'll mess up again soon, so i'll monitor and just not drive too far.

Honours...yeah I love education and learning, but it was so stressful the first time. And I don't want to waste my supervisor's time by starting then quitting. I'd have to take it all the way. I'm not stressed about finishing, but about getting class 1 honours. Because I got a bit wrecked by the break-up, I ended with an 80 last semester so I'd need a 90 this time around to get a class 1.

And with the girl...after doign something stupid yesterday, I just decided I needed to be blunt and ask what she wanted. She's not sure what this is either, but then she also had a strange argument with her ex yesterday and it seems like they're going to be good friends but that's it. So it feels like she's trying to emotionally separate from him, but is a bit scared to, but much as I like friends, I don't feel like I need any more. So....yeah. It just feels like there's a voice in the back of my head which goes: once she gets over him, she'll realise she doesn't really like you and then you will have wasted your time and effort, so you should just give up now and ditch.

Thanks so much for replying and being here! I read your post yesterday before I went to bed and wanted to reply, but i just liked it instead.

Hi James

Really slow reply, I'm sorry!

Ive been really tired - so just been chilling and I've had a sore neck so been lying in bed a lot.

Hope you are feeling ok about the girl.

Im glad you fixed the bike.

Hmm sounds tough about honours! A second class honours result is still really fantastic, getting an H1 could just be seen as a bonus! Then it won't be as much pressure.

Anyway off to sleep.

night