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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling desperate to make this stop

Topic: Feeling desperate to make this stop

  1. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    12 May 2020 in reply to Lilly99

    Dearest Lilly

    Please don’t lose hope. You have managed for almost a year now and I for one have noticed an improvement in your approach to things. It is disappointing about the psychiatrist and the ECT treatment. Do you still see a psychologist as that may well be beneficial at this point?

    Like you I went through many dark times before I became able to cope. I found the best thing that helped me was talking to someone I trusted and also writing. That’s why it would be really good if you could continue to post as the act of writing helps express your feelings.

    I believe everyone can be helped and get better, however, it takes time and the amount of time varies from person to person. That includes you Lilly even though you may sometimes think you are beyond help. You are in the early stages of recovery which is probably still very painful and raw. Give yourself time to heal - you are a strong and courageous woman (even if you don’t think so - I know so).

    You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I just wish the very best for you Lilly xox

    With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌼🤗💐🦋

  2. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    13 May 2020 in reply to Lilly99
    Just wanted to say hi Lilly,

    Sometimes a change in therapist is a good result. It may feel horrible, but potentially there is a good reason.
    The above may be true or not but I have to hope it is true.

    Hang in there
  3. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    15 May 2020 in reply to Saree_p

    Hello Everyone

    I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It's true everyone gets well in their own time. I most certainly remember how dark my journey was, the times I despaired and gave up on all thoughts of getting well. It did take a long time and was horrible. All I can say is that you will get well again. It's sad you do not have more supportive psychiatrists and I most definitely understand the problem of paying fees. Are you on the Medicare safety net for this year? It should help tremendously when you reach that point. You can look up your record of Medicare payments on the net and see how close you are to the safety net limit if you have not already reached it.

    As Saree has said, sometimes a change in therapist is good. I think a psychiatrist is the cheaper option because the fees always get a Medicare benefit. Sadly psychologists fees are limited for a rebate.

    I do agree with Jojo that you are getting better. During the time I have been posting on your thread I have seen a great improvement and I have commented on this before. I know it's hard to be told that when it feels as though nothing is happening. We are invariably the last to recognise how far we have come.Please believe you are moving forward even if it appears you are standing still or going backwards. Appearances can be deceptive.

    Jojo has told you what helped to combat despair. Talking to others really is a good option. Can you talk to your sons at all? If not, remember that 'talking' here can be as helpful. There isn't the immediate conversational responses I know but you do get answers every time you write in here. Sometimes they may be more thought provoking because of the delay in the conversation. Take whatever positives you can find. Keep posting here.

    Mary

  4. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Jojo, Saree, Mary and everyone.

    Well it’s been awhile since I posted and things couldn’t be worse. . I actually don’t even know why I keep fighting. I am exactly in the same headspace as I was when I first posted. Useless , pathetic , a total waste of time and space .
    Since I last posted I have spent 7 weeks in hospital , 40 sessions of ECT , 3 weeks in a trauma and dissociation unit . Then discharged and went downhill . Then back into hospital for another 4 weeks and while there they threatened to send me to another hospital Involuntary. . It’s a long story.

    Now back home and being readmitted back into hospital in 2 weeks with a different psychiatrist. Honestly is there any point. Wake up everyday and wish I hadn’t . Look at the clock and think how am I going to get through this day. Day after day after day the pain never stops. It will never stop.

    I just think I am a person that can’t be helped.

    lilly

     

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5944 posts
    29 June 2020 in reply to Lilly99
    Hey Lilly99, welcome back to the forums! It's great to have you back to join us. It sounds like things have been really difficult for you over the past few months. We can't even imagine how stressful all those weeks in hospital and undergoing treatment would have been. You're are really strong and resilient to have gone through all of that and you should feel proud of your commitment to receiving help.  We'd like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
  6. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99
    Hi Lilly,

    I've just gotten out of hospital myself. I'm also struggling a little, but not probably to the extent you are.

    Was there any positives at all?

    Are you receptive tot ge help in hospital? I know that if you claim up progress will take a long time.

    Anything positive today? Even just nice sunny weather?

    Saree
  7. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear Lilly

    Good to hear from you Lilly and although you haven’t been posting recently you have still been in my thoughts and prayers.

    I am so sorry to hear you are still suffering and in a very dark place. Please continue to reach out here on the forums as people do care about you.

    Very well done for getting help from mental health services as I know how hard that can be for you. There is always hope for you Lilly so don’t give up.

    This next admission might make a world of difference with a new psychiatrist. Sometimes things can just click and make sense with a particular person who has a fresh approach. I hope that happens for you.

    Stay safe and strong and take good care of yourself xox

    With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🥰

  8. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99

    Hello Lilly

    Good to hear from you again. It's been a rough journey up to now but one positive you can take away is that you survived this. No matter how hard it was you got through it. Please remember this when the going gets tough, you can and will get through it. Write it in large letters and stick it on the wall. Believe in yourself.

    I started to reply yesterday but had to leave before my post was finished. Here I am again. Saree is quite right, if you clam up progress will take a long time. I know you find it hard to talk about different aspects . Maybe with a new psychiatrist it will be easier. I know holding all the hurt inside yourself is constantly harming you. The wounds will not heal until they are treated and dressed no matter how painful the process. Lilly, you have shown how strong you can be. Use that strength now.

    Forty ECT treatments is a lot. Do you feel you have had any benefit? I do hope so. You said I just think I am a person that can’t be helped. That is only true if you refuse to help yourself, if you refuse to talk about all the bad 'stuff' in your life. Believe me, I know how bad it can be. As I always say, gather up your courage and step out from behind your mask. Invest in yourself by talking.Waking every day feeling hopeless and useless is not good but no one can force you to get better. It has to start with you. Letting the pain out does far more good than keeping it inside.

    How is your son going? You have never told us how he got on in court. I know it was worrying you a great deal at the time and I am wondering what he is doing now. Does he still cause you concern?

    Mary

  9. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to Saree_p

    Hello Saree

    Sorry to learn you have also been in hospital. I hope you had some benefit from this. While no one likes being in hospital if you can say it's helped when you leave hospital it's a good step forward.

    I hope you are managing and finding life a little easier despite your struggles. Well, struggles are what make us well again although it is a hard path to follow. I have been brought face to face with the trauma that happened five years ago. Five years spent getting well and learning to live with it and five minutes to put me back there. However I can say recovery is faster because I have been through it before and know where to get help and how to move forward again.

    How are you managing with COVID19? I have been in isolation because of my medical condition. Not a pleasant place though it did start out OK. It was good to stop all the activities I had and spend time resting. Now, several months down the track I feel better. I have not seen my grandchildren for months until last week. It's good to be with family again although they have been keeping in touch with phone calls, Zoom and Facebook time. Grocery shopping online was also OK to start with but frustrating when I could not get items online although they were available in the shop when I went shopping. So long as we do not get a resurgence of the coronavirus I am hoping we will have a semblance of normality though I believe our lives will never be quite the same again.

    I had a change in my treatment regime which is making me feel better and fitter. Now able to attend my exercise class. I am not a fan of exercise but I know it helps not only with my physical health but also with my mental well-being. Plus there are social benefits. Moving forward one step at a time.

    Mary

  10. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    4 July 2020 in reply to White Rose

    Hi everyone
    Saree I am not sure about how receptive I am in hospital it’s hard to trust, really hard. I know I have to keep trying and I know from your thread how difficult you also found hospital and how hard you are coping with your diagnosis so you know how I am feeling . I just don’t know anymore if it’s worth going back because I keep feeling the same . I think others can get well like yourself and know you will. Someone said to me recently it doesn’t matter so much about the past it’s what you do now in the future that counts . I believe this to be true for you. I sometimes read your thread and can see you have come a long way . Sorry I don’t post on your thread it’s hard giving others advice when feeling this low. And believe me you are not the family nutcase. Anyway no one is perfect.

    Jojo I hope you are well. I have had many psychiatrists over the years. Many different diagnosis and many different approaches. At the moment it’s hard to put one foot after the other and even getting out of bed and showering is even an effort and most days I can’t . But I reckon I don’t need to tell you and everyone how hard it is. I am sure you have all felt the same. It’s just hard to keep on keeping on. Far out it’s hard. I think letting me out of hospital because my original psychiatrist and the new one where both going on holidays has made it harder to go back. It’s given me time to think and wonder if it’s worth ever going back in to hospital like I am meant to in a week. I just don’t know whether I can do it. It’s just as hard on the inside as it is on the outside .

    Mary thank you for replying . Thank you to everyone that does to my very negative posts. The ECT treatment helped a little and I had follow up treatment once a week When I left hospital but went downhill very quickly back to how I was before being admitted. How do I believe in myself Mary I feel like a failure to myself and as a mum. How do i believe when feeling this bad . How do I help myself when I don’t have any belief things can change . How do I find the strength to keep on fighting the fight . I know it starts with me having to open up. I just can’t it’s like having to open up to the pain is just as bad as living with it. You asked about my son. Because of the virus the courts are running behind so there isn’t a outcome yet. My other son isn’t well . I keep wondering what a failure I am if I can’t even help my children.

    Thank you all for being so kind and caring .

    lilly

    Mary

  11. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    5 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear Lilly

    I am well Lilly, thank you for asking. I hope you do decide to go back into hospital as you would be safe there, wouldn’t have to organise meals for yourself, you would be around other people and hopefully someone would get you out of bed and encourage you to have a shower. Some of these things are really hard, however, are important and can make you feel better.

    I have been where you are and know how tough it can be. Although it was hard I found hospital was the better option rather than trying to manage at home by myself (for the reasons I mentioned above).

    Give the new psychiatrist a chance. It could result in a breakthrough for you and turn life around. You just never know. Don’t lose hope or give up now when you have come so far.

    You matter Lilly and deserve to get better. Don’t ever forget that.

    Sending you positive thoughts and a great big hug. Lots of love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💐

  12. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks Mary,

    These COVID issues have definitely created a lot of issues for people.

    I personally wish that the hospital admission was more productive than it was and that was more purely because I took such a long time off work. I feel like the world has completely slowed down and I have been hit by a car crash. I guess I've been holding onto the belief that I cannot have bipolar.

    Lilly, and Jojo.

    Lilly, just hang in there. Give it a go. I made the decision when i was admitted that I would do everything I could to work with the staff and psychiatrist even though I thought it was a waste. In the end very little was achieved, however a true diagnosis and medication changes have been made. I guess what I am trying to say it that all things take time. For me, mine was some of the worst news we could've heard because there is a huge component that we can only manage and will never be cured.

    Sorry, I am trying to be uplifting and encouraging, but fear that I am failing.

    Lilly, give it a chance. Try your best to view it as an opportunity to grow and at least have support around you rather than be alone.

    How is today going? Mine is pretty crap. Some days truly just suck!

    Saree

  13. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    8 July 2020 in reply to Saree_p

    Hello Saree, Lilly and Jojo

    Maybe it's because it's wintertime that we all feel so flat. We do need the sun to warm us physically but we also need it for the benefits it brings. I'm sure you have all heard of Seasonally Adjusted Disorder (SAD). The person with this does feel bad in winter without the benefit of the sun on their bodies. We are all like that to some extent so maybe we have to grit our teeth and sit it out to summer or at least spring.

    I have been battling constant panic attacks for the past few weeks. I am cross because I have not had panic attacks for many years and I suspect it has been triggered by the event I mentioned above. It does seem at times that we manage one part of our lives only to fall down in another area. It's at times like this that I want to say I'm too tired to battle on. Sometimes I'm not battling, just enduring until I get my strength back. It is so hard for all of us at the moment.

    Please rest as much as you can ladies. Just hang on until the sun shines again (literally and metaphorically.

    Mary

  14. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to White Rose

    Hi everyone ,

    Thank you Jojo , Saree, and Mary for your messages of support. I do really appreciate your words of advice .
    I am sorry that you are having panic attacks Mary and you are not coping Saree. I am thinking of you both and all I can say is I know how you both feel and it really sucks. I wish I could post words of advice but atm i am not coping and very low myself. I feel like such a failure. I can’t hold myself up. And struggling to support my family. I am such a failure as a mum.
    lilly

  15. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5944 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99
    Dear Lilly99,

    Welcome back to the forums. It sounds like its been really overwhelming recently. We understand it must be so difficult right now but there is support and you are not alone. Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
     
    We do encourage you to either get in contact with our Support Service available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 as well as any other offline professional supports that you may be accessing.
     
     
  16. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    12 July 2020 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear Lilly

    Sorry to hear you are still feeling very low. You are definitely not a failure in any shape or form!

    You are someone who has had more than their fair share of heartache in life and are doing their utmost to deal with it all. So be gentle with yourself as you are facing huge challenges that probably are often exhausting and overwhelming to say the least.

    Have you decided whether or not you will go back into hospital? If you haven’t it might be worth making a list of positives and negatives to help with your decision.

    Personally I think it would be really difficult to try and tough it out at home all by yourself the way you are feeling now. However, only you can make that call.

    Take good care of yourself and stay strong xox

    With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💐🦔

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