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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

Topic: Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

  1. CMF
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    20 February 2017

    Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

    Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

    Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

    Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

    Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

    How i feel now:

    Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

    How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

    If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

    Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

    I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

    I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

    I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

    Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

    I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

    Thanks for reading

    cmf x

    6 people found this helpful
  2. MarkJT
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    20 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    CMF, you are a single mother with three kids - please give yourself a break. You have so much on with so little time, i seriously don't know how you do it. A single mother with one child is hard enough let alone three.

    Perhaps take some of that four hrs you have and spend it on you. Sit back with a cuppa and watch a TV show, charge the batteries a bit. I can assure you that the vast majority of us would think that you deserve a bit of "me" time. Don't feel bad about doing that.

    Ok so yoga, you don't have to go anywhere to do that, you can do it at home. That will save time as you don't have to go anywhere and you can do it in your own confines and your own pace. There is heaps of yoga tutorials on youtube.

    You are right that most people think about their mortgages but at the same time, you are not much different to a lot of us, as in not much disposable income.

    I think overall after reading your post a couple of times, I think you just need to pause and see what is most important to you and concentrate on that. Now this may take some time to work out but make a list of what you have to do, what you have done and what you want to achieve. List from most to least important and start chipping away at them. Not going full flight into them, chip away and once you complete something, enjoy it. Enjoy the accomplishment.

    Have you ever practiced mindfulness? I am a big advocate of it and use it heaps to ground myself. If you have, keep it going and learn it. It does work.

    Keep posting and lets see if we can get you through this period.

    Mark.

    7 people found this helpful
  3. BballJ
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    20 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Can't move forward,

    As Mark said, you are a single mother of 3, you deserve a break and "me" time, it is only February so you have so much time left in the year to start working on the things you want to achieve.

    I also second Mark's advice in get a list going and start slowly chipping away at it, rather than trying to do everything at once... It's similar to losing weight, instead of saying I want to lose 30 kgs, start with I want to lose 5 kgs, that way the daunting task of trying to lose 30 kgs and not seeing immediate results doesn't come into play and you can work on getting to 5 kgs and being proud of yourself. Heck even if you fix one of those things around the house and thats all you do for the week, then tick it off proudly and slowly move onto the next thing.

    You have so much going on and we do not think you are lazy or a bad mum, you are a great mum because you are trying your hardest for your kids and that is all anyone can ever ask of you. You don't have to please anyone so you go at your own speed.

    Regarding looking at other families and seeing what they are doing, well mental health has taught me one thing it is not to look at other people because they have things happening behind closed doors that we know nothing about and it isn't always sunshine and rainbows. I am sure your kids appreciate everything you are trying to do for them and that is way more special than a holiday away.

    Please, keep your head up and try and stay as positive as you can.

    My best for you,

    Jay

    2 people found this helpful
  4. phil1967
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    20 February 2017 in reply to CMF
    cmf I know exactly where your coming from ,I have two kids and a grandson living with me and am also single ,all my time besides housework is my own and I do nothing even know I have heaps I want to do ,I beat myself up every day cause I don't do nothing but spend all day procrastinating over the things I want to do then have great anxiety because I feel as if iam never going to do anything ,but recently I have realised what's my hurry ? is there a time limit ? haven't I worked all my life and done the right thing by my family ? do I deserve to just goof off and relax and have some me time ? hell yeah I do lol and iam going to ,needing time to find yourself again is not a sin ,you have just got to used to looking after every 1 that doing nothing feels wrong ,I know that all so well but your the engine for the family machine and like all engines they need to be serviced every now and again to work the best they can ,so have your service time and watch how much better the machine you are works then :)
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  5. CMF
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    21 February 2017 in reply to phil1967

    Thank you all for your responses. I feel so guilty. I do know that i get anxiety due to hormones so am hoping that once again this will pass. Today i felt anxious in the morning and have been edgy all day. heart palpitations, feeling nervy. I do have a list of things to do but i did things not on my list which probably didn't help as i didn't feel a sense of achievement although i did make a few phone calls. When i made my lost i felt anxious as there seemed to be so much on it, even though some jobs are small. I will feel better when i start to cross them off. I did spend my free time starting to clear out the shed and did 2 trips to the op shop but it is still a mess. I just want to get rid of everything that makes my life feel cluttered. i don't jog but it was a day where i really felt i needed to exert energy and let off steam. I still feel like this. i have nervous energy to get rid of. I just can't settle myself.

    My head is very fuzzy atm and as i said i know i get this way with hormones.

    I am hoping this will pass i can't stand feeling sick and edgy all day.

  6. MarkJT
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    21 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    CMF, yes there may still be clutter but there are two car loads from the trips to the op shop that are no longer cluttering so there is a win. Well done.

    Ok so you don't job, how about going for a walk? Do you swim? I find swimming very calming as you can just go at your own pace and there is no impact. Great for the body and brain. At the end of a swimming session, I always play around like a kid, so much fun.

    You have achieved a few things CMF, recognise that you have and give yourself a pat on the back. See if you can stick to what is on your list the next time you get to it. If you don't, do not bash yourself over it, just acknowledge it and move on.

    Why are you feeling guilty?

    Mark.

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  7. topsy_
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    21 February 2017 in reply to MarkJT

    Hi CMF

    I was a single mum with 3 kids too. As I read your list I thought whoa! theres too much there! Those few hours when the kids are at school go by so FAST! I used to think I'd have this huge lump of time & I'd get so much done. But it just never worked out like that.

    If I did one out of the ordinary thing eg some special cooking, it would really eat into that time & leave little time to do other things.

    Also give yourself some more time. It took me quite a while to get used to having those hours to myself. I'm sure you adjust too.

    Wishing you well, Lyn.

  8. CMF
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    22 February 2017 in reply to topsy_

    Hi,

    Thank you again everyone who has responded. I truly appreciate it.

    MarkJT, no i don't swim, not a water person at all but walking - YES. My plan was to walk everyday but i havn't really done it yet i think because i feel unsettled. I had a look at the shed today and identified some things for the hard waste collection next month. This will free up some space and help me to really organise things in there so i'm looking forward to that. Why do i feel guilty? I think i feel i'm not contributing to anything. I'm not giving anything anywhere, mind you i don't stop for most of the day either. 4 hours free for 3 days by the time you travel up and back i could only work for 3 hours, hardly worth it at this stage as it would just be more running around. My older kids used to ask when i would go back to work so we could have more money and i explained that it would mean childcare for the little one and is not worth it at the moment. the plan is to wait till she goes to school.

    Yellownanna, yes the time does fly. I don't know why i feel i have to be doing so much. I don't go away on holidays every year like some do and i don't go out to movies or the theatre or anything so i guess i should enjoy some time to myself, the way i want to spend it.

    I go to my local coffee shop every morning and catch up with other regular locals. Everyone comments that i don't have my little one with me and I've expressed with them that I am struggling to adjust and i feel anxious that i'm not doing anything . My little one has been everywhere with me for the last 4 years, this free time i now have is the biggest break i've had in a long time. They each say the same thing, it takes time to adjust, spend some time thinking about what i want to do in the future, take a break and have some time for me. The kinder mums say this too. One pointed out that i wouldn't get casual hours that i can accomodate at the moment and part time is no an option right now.

    On a positive note, today i got a few things done from my list. i had to touch up some paint outside which looks so much better and i managed to fix my outdoor blind which was a big achievement as i saw it as one of the more difficult jobs. It took over an hour but i got it done, i'm so happy with that. I also got a call back from a tafe institute that i rang to enquire about on line study. They answered some questions I had which has put me on the right path to looking at on line courses if i chose to do this.

  9. MarkJT
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    22 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    CMF, you love walking - ace!! So set some walking challenges. Might even start off just walking to the corner and back and then expand on that. Whilst you are out walking, really take in your surroundings. Walking is really good mindfulness practice - so much to look at and so much to smell. Think of all the things that you can see and smell.

    I am here to tell you that you are contributing a heap. You have three kids who are being brought up by you. Think of all the wonderful things they are going to do in their lifetime. All the wonderful sights they will see. All the wonderful events that they will go to. They will be able to do this because of you. That is one present that no one can ever ever take away from you.

    Great stuff on the shed - that is awesome. Keep chipping away at it. Before you know it, it will all be sorted out and you can start on your next project.

    Just wondering with this one but I think what would be awesome is for you to change your name in here. I am a very positive person as i have learnt to always flip a negative into a positive and I think that your name may well subconsciously hold you back. Every time you come in here you see your name. I think a small change to "Moving Forward" would be awesome. So when you log on anytime you are reminding yourself that you are, in fact, moving forward. I believe that this is what you are doing by cleaning out the garage and starting your walks.

    Give it some thought?

    Remember that you are a single mother of three kids, you are contributing a heap!

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. BballJ
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    22 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Can't move forward,

    Just to echo Mark's great comments, you are contributing so much being a single mother, one of the hardest jobs in the world is being a parent, but being a single parents is twice as hard and it shows your true character and no one can ever take that away from you. You also don't need to de-clutter your house all in one day, things take time and I almost seems like you are doing them at a good pace that suits you. Just keep chipping away and they will all eventually get done, you are not in a race so no need to think that you have to race to get things finished.

    Good news about the online course as well, it is never too late to learn new skill or topic so hopefully it is something you decide to pursue as well.

    My best,

    Jay

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  11. CMF
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    22 February 2017 in reply to BballJ

    WOW and WOW, thanks Mark and Jay. I feel a connection with you both as my son's name is Mark and he plays ball. Over the years I've been made to feel like I'm not as good as other mums who work or have their own businesses. I've been put down, told I look like a failure, that people think I'm dumb as worked in retail etc. I don't care what others think, I'm responsible for my happpiness, not here impress others with fake appearances, but unfortunately hurtful comments stick.

    my goodness, I don't think anyone has ever spoken so highly of the fact I'm a single mum of three and acknowledged just what it takes. Wow, thank you.both. I just do what I have to do I don't see it as any big deal, but I guess it is. I see mums who have husbands and parents to help, I have none of that. It's just me. My Older kids see their dad every fortnight but he does nothing as far as getting involved with school meetings or issues, or taking them to sports training on weeknights etc. he thinks it just magically happens. He doesn't get that you need to be involved as a parent...but that's another story. If I think about it too much I'll get too worked up. My little ones dad (another long story on another thread) Also has NFI. He is verbally abusive, had one of his little hissy fits Xmas day and haven't seen or heard from him since. HE thinks he can just walk into our lives when it's convenient to him. He thinks having Kids is a game that you play when you feel like it. Totally irresponsible. So I guess having to deal with 2 ignorant idiots who think things just happen on their own it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed at times. They both have no clue at all.

    I don't think many people know I'm a single mum. Many think or assume my littles one's dad is in the picture to some degree. I don't talk about my personal business with people but if anyone asks now I won't cover for him anymore, I'll tell people how it is and what he is like.

    im getting off he topic, sorry, I have another thread for that stuff.

    i have considered changing my name in here, and I agree it could subconsciously hold me back. I was thinking "baby steps", but I hesitate for some reason. Maybe I'm afraid of the prospect of moving forward and moving on with life? Maybe I'm afraid of feeling like Ive failed if I can't get past things like now. I will consider it though as I too try to be positive, I pray, I'm grateful for all I have.

    cmf xxx

  12. BballJ
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    23 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Can't move forward,

    It is a big deal being a single parent, and one you should be proud of. I know what you mean when you say hurtful comments stick, they really do but that's up to no one to say those things and they have no right when they don't know you. I know many people who work in retail and live a happy successful life. Your race is against no one and you will achieve the things you want in your own time, that's the beauty of life, it's all in your time.

    I am a big advocate for single parents and unfortunatly being a parent isn't as easy for some people as it is for others and in reality they don't know how to cope with being a parent and they think the occasional hello is enough. Kids learn quickly about those parents who are barley there and that's what I mean when I say your kids will grow up knowing how great of a mother you are and that's what counts, other opinions do not matter.

    My best,

    Jay

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  13. CMF
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    24 February 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay,

    I may have come across a but harsh in my previous post re Dads having little or no involvement but i totally agree it doesn't come easy to some and they don't fully understand what's involved. It extremely frustrating when the little one's dad does decide to show up that he acts like he knows it all and actually tells me i do things wrong. He has 1 child he hardly sees and i have 3 - 2 are teenagers. Oh well.

    Mark JT - well i did change my name here to "baby steps". I like it i just don't like that the abbreviation is now going to be BS lol.

    Baby Steps

  14. MarkJT
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    24 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Baby Steps, love love love the name. To me that represents that you have made a decision. A decision to move forward and by taking baby steps you are going to build yourself a nice solid base.

    No tall building can be built without a strong base, it would fall over. The same applies for us, build that base using baby steps. Once your base is built, then we move into toddler steps, the kid steps, the a quick walk and before you know it, you are running again.

    Such positivity from your post.

    Brilliant!

    Mark

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  15. CMF
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    24 February 2017 in reply to MarkJT

    Thanks Mark,

    Had a big day today. My son goes to a catholic high school, takes him about an hour to get there and has always hated it. It is too regimented for him and he is not working to the best of his ability but rather just treading water. He has many friends there but is still not happy. Today we looked at a public school and it is very likely i will move him. He can start in the next week. it has added to my anxiety as his father does not approve of the move yet he does not get involved or attend information nights, parent/teacher interviews etc. My son gets no support whatsoever from him and i cannot attend these things with 3 kids to look after, it's just too much. to add to this the cost is crazy and i see no benefit. I messaged his dad today and told him we looked at the school and i would like to move him and has not responded at all but he has spoken to my daughter on the phone so clearly he does not care and i told him so. He also refused to top up my son's myki last week, instead told him to get a part time job and do it himself - $40 a week- it's ridiculous, he has lost the plot. Of course i then had to top it up.Basically, he does not help or get involved in his education, he won't help pay for the transport, has no idea what he does at school but wants to continue sending him there as he thinks it is the best school for him and he has to go there. The last 3 years i have been forced to pay half the fees when i don't even want him to go there.

    I can see that he will not contribute to the new school costs on the basis that he does not approve. It will be a big cost for me initially but over the next few years it shouldn't be so bad. i know his tactics, he is not responding and thinks i will be expecting him to pay half and will refuse claiming he didn't approve. He is trying to set me up i think but i am a step ahead as i know what he is like.i thought he would at least respond in some way, not one word as yet. If my son changes schools and fails he will blame me but if he stays at the current school and fails he will take no responsibility for his choice to leave him there but will blame my son. He is very unfair, more worried about looking like a big shot with kids at private schools, thinks throwing the $ at the school is all you need to do, but it isn't, they need our support too.I'm waiting for a fight from him. He is too busy playing dad to his new GF's son interstate than his own. It's really sad. My son has no father figure.

  16. CMF
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    24 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    I've noticed if i am busy in the days leading up to my daughter going to kinder i enjoy the break and the quiet but if don't have much to do leading up i feel a bit lost and then guilty for not doing anything as the quiet period just extends. Although today was stressful i have felt productive. i have alot to catch up on re housework but my mind is working a little better.

    BS

  17. CMF
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    26 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Feeling quite anxious this morning. I read a thread yesterday that triggered my anxiety so my mind is racing...about everything. Doubting everything, feeling threatened, not safe, want to run away.

    I know anxiety is worse upon waking up, i hope this will pass. I try to remember how i feel when i feel ok. How i don't feel the anxiety but instead have the confidence to deal with what comes my way.

    I think I'm back to 'can't move forward'.

    BS

  18. BballJ
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    26 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Baby_Steps,

    Love the new name, you are moving forward.

    Sorry I haven't replied recently, haven't been on the forums for a couple of days.

    Very tough how his father does that to his child, I will never, ever understand it, you do what is best for your child. You are doing so much and I feel sorry that is has to be this way, for yourself and your kids. If you son is happy with the move then that's what counts in the end.

    Have you ever considered writing down how you feel when you feel good? So when those anxious mornings come, you can refer to it?

    My best,

    Jay

  19. MarkJT
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    27 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    baby_Steps, now I do not mean to sounds harsh here at all but after reading your post about your son moving schools, if you think you are not moving forward, well dispel of that thought very quickly. You are getting about zero assistance from his father, yet you are still catering for your sons needs and looking to do something that is best for him. That by its sheer definition is moving forward. You may not feel like it, but i can assure you it is.

    When you wake up, how about you dive straight into a breathing exercise to get the day off to a start where you are in control of yourself. Perhaps you could even do a small amount of physical exercise. With three kids you are not going to have much time but a set of push ups and sit ups would be beneficial. Put some nice music on at the same time.

    Before you start reading posts in the forums, it would be a good idea to also do some breathing exercises. The forums are triggering as you are reading stories about what is happening to you so to best prepare yourself for that, make sure you are comfortable, have a cuppa with you and slow, deep breath. Set yourself up.

    You are doing really well. Keep it going.

    Mark.

  20. CMF
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    27 February 2017 in reply to MarkJT

    Hi Jay,

    No apology needed for not replying sooner. You are doing so much already and you have your own things to deal with. Great idea about writing down the good feelings. We always talk about writing down the bad.

    Mark, not harsh at all and thank you again for your insight.. I've downloaded the Smiling Mind app so will see how that goes.

    I am really jittery and unsettled but then have bouts of feeling good then a cloud comes over me and i am anxious again. Why is it that we can focus so much on negative feelings and not on positive? why does the negative have the power to take over?

    Sometimes i can 'trick' my mind into being positive. For example,when i am overcome with anxiety about mortgage and bills i tell myself i always have the option of selling the house. I then go about doing odd jobs to to make it look spic and span, in preparation. i have re siliconed the bathroom, cleaned the grout, pained outside and in just to name a few. It's a double bonus as i tell myself that i am making it look good to sell but at the same time it looks good for us to live in which makes me feel a little better.

    I can't wait till it's hard waste collection time. I can get rid of so much rubbish cluttering my life and my mind.

    I dropped off the last of the paperwork to my son's new school today and bought his school uniform. His subjects should be confirmed today so i can get his books tomorrow and organise his laptop. I think once everything is finalised and he is settled i may start to feel better. My kids have been back at school for 4 weeks and the whole time i have been running around for school things ie my daughter did not receive all the books we ordered and now my son changing schools. No wonder i feel unsettled as i am still trying to think about what i want to do. My local coffee shop is changing owners today which is sad so that is unsettling too. too many changes all at once. I need to start looking and enrolling my little at school too which means i have to get in touch with her dad, I'm nervous, will he be abusive, cold, nasty (my other thread is Tired, worn out, sick of being expected to do everything.) He intimidates me so much, he gives me anxiety.

    I have identified i have a fear of doing the wrong thing, getting in trouble and letting people down. I always feel responsible for everything. I'm so jittery today, my heart is racing.I pray to God my son is happy with the move or i will feel i have failed him.

  21. MarkJT
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    27 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Baby_Steps, you say that you cannot wait until hard rubbish collect to get rid of all the stuff that is cluttering your house....is there any reason why we can't try and remove all the clutter in your mind?

    For starters, I would suggest that any single mother who is enrolling her son into a new school and a daughter who did not get all of her books whilst caring for another is going to be a bit worn out and frustrated. I would suggest that any mother who has a partner would still feel like this. You need to stop bashing yourself over this. You are doing an incredible job and to top it off, you have an unsupportive father of your son. Come on mate, you are doing just fine!

    I remember when the local tuck shop near work changed hands, shattered!! They served up the best meals and a really good price but then the new owners upped the price and lowered the quantity and standard of the food so yes a changing of owners at your local fave store is unsettling but you will adapt. Either the new owners will be just as good or you will find another coffee shop, not ideal but you will be okay.

    We all have a fear of doing the wrong thing, or at least the majority of us. That is okay as it drives us to have good work ethics and practices, not just at work but in life. The key here is make sure that it does not rule your life. I used to be a perfectionist and expected far to much of myself but i have tamed that beast so you can to. If you make a mistake, so be it, you are human not a robot! Learn from it and move on.

    When we have PTSD, depression or whatever, our minds just focus on the negatives because everything is so dark and gloomy. The happy good part of your brain is still there, you just have to find it. I firmly believe that for every negative there is an equal positive. You just have to learn to flip the negative into the positive and then gain some valuable insight or knowledge out of.

    A task for you, the next time something you perceive as being negative happens, think of a way to turn that into a positive. It can be done, you just need to work it out.

    Good luck with the app - i really enjoyed it and still use it from time to time. Really taught me a lot.

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. BballJ
    Community Champion
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    2032 posts
    27 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Baby_Steps,

    Indeed writing down good things should be done more by all of us... you know once when I wanted to lose weight.. I wrote down how I felt at times when I felt big, like not fitting into clothes, feeling insecure, bad skin etc.. I wrote them down and from memory I put them in my wallet so when i went to order fast food or eat junk I would see those feelings and use it to stop me from eating junk, so I am just thinking if you write down when you feel good and how you feel it may help in those times where the negativity takes over and seems to control everything.

    I think the best thing is be positive about you son changing schools, we have this weird indirect way when we feel nervous or slightly negative about something.. we can spread that subliminally to that person... so if you son sees you super excited about it and how positive it is that he changed schools, it may bounce off on him and he may subliminally start to like it all on his, sounds a little farfetched but all about the power of positivity.

    My best,

    Jay

  23. CMF
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    8660 posts
    28 February 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Thanks Mark and Jay,

    Mark, I do believe in turning a negative into a positive and will endeavour to do so. If i don't the feel of the coffee shop with the new owners i can find a new one, hey i might meet new people too.

    Jay, agree with the power of positivity. I think i was feeling nervous about the school move because he was and vice versa. Yesterday he was up beat and i feel better too. When he had his wisdom teeth out he was so nervous and i had anxiety for weeks starting a few days before as i got a call to say they could do it earlier than planned so i wasn't 'psyched up' for it. It does definitely rub off.

    I had heart palpitations yesterday and was so tired. I googled it and found that anaemia can also be a cause of palpitations and guess what. I have been anaemic for about 25 years and of late have not been eating well so i have resumed my iron supplements and today i feel great!

    My day was:

    Get kids ready for school/kinder. Get the older kids off to school, come home, tidy up and make the beds put on load of washing. Take little miss to kinder and go to my local coffee shop for a breather. Whilst there chatted with another regular and made phone calls to chase up things for my son's new school.. Went to the supermarket to get a few things and organise dinner. Off to bunnings to return unopened items my son will no longer require, get a credit (thank god) and then to officeworks for school stationery. Take shopping home, have a few bites of something to eat and then off to get school books. Parked in the wrong st so walked a block which was great as i did want to do more walking this year. Bonus! Got books went home, marked off the books and stationery to see what was left to buy. Ordered the online copies of text books and cleaned out his cupboard of old school uniform. had 1 hour left before kinder pick up, went back to supermarket as forgot something and then just went to the coffee shop again to kill 1/2 hour and chill. Chatted to the owner about new owners and it sounded positive.

    Overall a great day, my anxiety decided to take a break which was great. I love being busy and accomplishing things which i did today. I messaged my ex to ask if he would be contributing to our son's school expenses. Told just a yes or no, no questions asked. He said no, as expected. Oh well. It's a big initial expense ie laptop, uniform but still cheaper than the private school and better off in the long run.

    Haven't hung out that washing yet - hehehe.

    BS

  24. BballJ
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    28 February 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Baby_Steps,

    It sounds like you have had a very productive and busy day... it's great that you had time to relax and go to the coffee shop and unwind per say. It's amazing how much our anxiety or any mental health tails off when we are busy. I am an avid phone caller in the sense if I have anxiety I make a phone call just to distract me enough where I don't feel like my anxiety is going to take over my day.

    I like how you are also being positive about the fact your ex is not paying for the school fee's but you are seeing the positive of the long term for you son and how it will save you. That's a great outlook so please try and keep it up.

    My best,

    Jay

  25. CMF
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    8660 posts
    28 February 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay,

    had a bit of anxiety over the lap top purchase which is really going to set me back big time but yes, I need to focus on the bigger picture.

    I'm glad I was one step ahead of the ex. I'm sure he was thinking I was expecting him to contribute but I know him too well. I wasn't really happy with my son going to a private school for 3 years but I still contributed my share. I paid for his myki, to go to a school I wasn't happy with, when his dad told him to get a part time job and pay himself.

    I feel a little angry now at his pathetic behaviour. He is a sad excuse for a parent. I hope karma pays him a visit. I'm still waiting for that. Things always seem to go his way. At least I have my pride.

    BS x

  26. MarkJT
    blueVoices Advisory Group alumni
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    1313 posts
    1 March 2017 in reply to CMF

    Baby_Steps, I understand that you are (and justifiably so) annoyed at your sons father but I would love for you to put that behind you. You are doing one hell of an amazing job and have so much on, I want you to focus your energies on you.

    You have the moral high ground, you have the knowledge that you are doing it right, you have the power to influence your children the best and this will all be repaid when the kids are older when they realise just how good of a mother you are and were back then.

    When we are dealing with mental health issues it is enormously draining on mental energy, which i call brain juice. You need to spend your brain juice in the right directions and I want you to stop spending your brain juice on your sons father. Put that to better use and use it for you.

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. CMF
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    1 March 2017 in reply to MarkJT

    Thanks mark,

    I will try to do that. I'm a little anxious today as i have now ordered his laptop. i need to remember that in the long run i will be better off. I know i have the higher ground. i don't know how he sleeps at night, not supporting his own son but playing dad to someone else's. I wish he would just move interstate. If i have to do everything on mu own that's fine but i would feel better if he were not around. It would be less frustrating.

    I'm nervous for my son starting tomorrow. Have i bought the right books, does he have all he needs, will he settle in ok? I feel sick to the stomach actually. Once he is settled i should feel better,but then i need to deal with my little one's school enrolment which means contacting her dad. i am dreading that. i don't want to see him and seeing as we haven't heard from him for 2 months I guess the feeling's mutual. I will contact him as i will not give him any reason to try and blame me for excluding him as his mum has done in the past.

    Feeling quite sick right now. It is 1pm, an hour till i leave to pick up little miss and it's been a hectic morning.Yesterday was hectic but i was on a mission. Today felt like a chore. Iam very tired too, went to bed a little late so that does not help either.

    Baby Steps x

  28. BballJ
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    1 March 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Baby_Steps,

    I think you will always feel naturally anxious when your child is starting a new school regardless of your situation but as I said above, remain as positive as you can and that will reflect onto your son.

    I think MarkJT is 100% accurate that you have to focus all your mental energy on yourself and not on anybody else including your ex. Your kids will grow up and realise what a great and hard job you have done. You can stand proudly and say I did this when your kids are older, I raised them on my own and there will be no better feeling and no mental health issue can get in the way of that kind of happiness.

    Always remember, we have off days and that sounds like today for you. We need them so we appreciate the good ones even more.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  29. CMF
    blueVoices member
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    8660 posts
    2 March 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Well, what a morning. I'm a little anxious but hoping i will get back on track soon. My son started his new school and we had to be there early so I asked my daughter to catch the tram this morning which she hasn't done before. It is literally a 5 min tram ride. I dropped her off at the tram stop and made sure she was confident where to get off . She messaged me 2 mins later to say that a teacher was on the tram. Haha i told her she was obviously sent to guide her. 5 mins later she rang to tell me she was walking into school. I'm happy she did this as it will take pressure off me in the morning knowing that she is confident to get the tram. Very proud of her.

    Drove my son to school arrived a little early, he was very nervous. We waited at the office and his 'buddy' arrived. We introduced ourselves and i tried to make light conversation as no one was talking. His teacher was running a but behind so we sat and waited. The lovely lady from the front desk came out and told me that i didn't need to hang around, my son would be fine and my son also said i could leave. I realised then that he probably didn't want me hanging around lol. I wished him a good day and as i left i saw 'buddy' sit next to him and they started chatting. His new school has 4 periods per day, longer in length, as opposed to 6. He has PE today which he likes so that is good and had an idea re his work experience so that is positive.

    The little one and i went to our local coffee shop. Caught up with some locals told one about the school move. Her son attends a local public school and she commented how much more relaxed it is and how different the atmosphere is to private school. Considering my son hated how rigid the private school was I hope this will bring out the best in him and make him feel more positive toward school. The new cafe owner came and said hi and we introduced ourselves. He has seen we are regulars. He told me he has taken over as of yesterday (which i knew because previous owner told me) I congratulated him, and he told me was going to make a few changes which is to be expected. It sounded good and I wished him all the best. Hopefully it will still have a good vibe to it, gotta give it a chance.

    I feel quite drained, a little anxious but like a load is off my shoulders. I'm proud of my older kids, they both took big steps today with regards to changes. I hope it's a smooth day.

    Baby Steps

  30. CMF
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    8660 posts
    2 March 2017 in reply to CMF

    Well I spoke too soon. I've just had an email from my son's previous school to say the lap top he returned had damage that is not covered under warranty and i need to pay the excess. The cost will be split between his dad and i as the fees were split but it just another expense to add to and already expensive week.

    So my anxiety is back why can I never get ahead. Whenever i think I'm getting somewhere there is another set back. I just cannot get ahead in life.

    1 person found this helpful

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