Hi Croix,

I really needed to hear that tonight (that reminder that I am improving) so thank you.

It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards. So I'm thankful for your reminder that I'm not alone, that there are people in my corner with good advice.

Music is a blessing. I'll have to check out your thread I love finding something new that I otherwise might never have listened to.

My favourite artist is Jon Bellion. His music is unusual I suppose but his lyrics speak to me....

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God

So maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
Maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
But maybe that’s okay"

This song is my go to for days like today 😊

I look forward to reading your thread when I'm able.

Happy Easter Croix 😊

Hello there lovely and welcome xx nice to meet you xx so so very proud of you it takes a lot of bravery to get yourself where you r today good on you for being able to fight your illness and be able to manage it. That's the key i guess it's always going to be part of us but as long as we don't let its demons reac havoc and have coping strategies in place to be able to manage it and move forward in our everyday lives we rc the ones in control xx once again well done sweetheart such a awesome job take care of yourself and keep reaching out if you need to. Lovely to meet you xx Venessa

"It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards."

How I know that one so well Quercus. It's a frustrating process isn't it.

May I ask, what is it about returning to the city that sends you spiralling backwards - is it what you are leaving behind, or what you are returning to? Was it that the weekend was a hiatus from reality? A pause from responsibility?

I too tend to music when things are rough - loud and fast when I am trying to outrun my demons, slow and mellow when I need to feel less alone. Sounds like you fall into the second category?

Nothing I can say or do to make things better for you, but just wanted to say I hear you, I feel for you, and I dearly hope things improve for you soon.

TA

First of all TA, what a great picture. No darkness, beautiful green trees which we need and a path to lead you to a better place. Well done and lots of stars and smiley faces.

Quercus, I too enjoy music but I am not familiar with the artiste you mention. My tastes lie mostly in classical music these days. I am a child of the 50s and 60s so you can tell the music I grew up with. I loved it and there are too many great songs for me to pick out one or two. I tend play loud music when I am sad as it lifts me, and slow, contemplative music to soothe my soul.

It's frustrating to be feeling good and then take a few steps backwards. Sure is. Even in this there is hope because you have had good days and you can recognise the difference between good and bad days. If you can remember the good while being in the bad you have something to hold on to. You know good days will return. So be gentle with yourself. Take a (metaphorical) deep breath and march forward doing what you have to do.

Surviving, moving forward, doing what needs to be done is like exercising a muscle you rarely use. It hurts like hell to start with but becomes easier and less painful as you persevere. As you establish ways to manage your life it will all get easier. It took a while for your life to go bad, like putting on weight. It takes time to get back to the person you were. And you are going well.

I laugh to myself when I write the above words because I am talking to myself as well as you. My muscles are learning to move again, though I feel sad and sorry for myself at times. I am getting stronger and I can see you are also getting stronger.

I am going to listen to ABBA shortly. Their music always makes me smile.

Mary

Hi Venessa, Mary and TA,

Thanks for your replies (and nice to meet you too Venessa) and kind words.

Today is a bit better and I know I'll ease back into my usual routine soon but it was good to read your replies).

I find it difficult to return to the city. The noise and the clutter and lack of privacy and endless concrete. But it always passes after a while especially once I get to drive out to my block and remind myself that escape is in the future I just have to be patient 😊 And of course I miss my family already but we have to work.

We went for a walk this morning and I got some liquidambar seeds and seeds from a gorgous pine so if I have to brave the city I'll surround myself in seedlings instead 😀.

Thank you for listening. I hope you are all enjoying the long weekend and are in a good place.

Dear Quercus~

You posted a lovely picture in:

Forums/ Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

I can easily see why it is something you come back to. In my own case I was the one on the knee - both times:) I was nervous and therefor in a hurry - I guess it must be a common trait.

Well, you have not only given your memory here but uncovered mine and will no doubt spark others' as well.

Thank you

Croix

Hi Croix,

I'm glad you got some good from my memory too! I don't envy blokes having to propose haha it must be the most nervewracking thing to do!

The best thing about that memory for me is the 2 photos I took with my eyes closed that day. I caught hubby in the very edge of one photo with a determined and nervous expression and his hand in his pocket 😊 I love that photo. I think I'll frame it to cheer me up 😊

Thank you again for the thread, it is a special place.

Hi again everyone,

Ever since I decided I'm going to give psychotherapy a try I've been trying to organise my thoughts on paper but I'm overwhelmed and at a loss. How do you decide where to begin?

I started with the question to myself... What do you need to talk to someone about and why? I thought that would be a pretty easy way to begin and the answer was easy...

I need to talk about a toxic relationship in my life because there is noone I feel comfortable to disclose the details to (even hubby who knows the gist but not detail) and the details hurt me.

But from there I'm stuck. I've been going over it in my mind but all it's doing is freaking me out. I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm overreacting. I'm worried I'll manage to say something to the psychiatrist and he'll think I'm overreacting. Or just plain stupid.

Most of all I'm conflicted. Part of me just wants to forget and bury it all again because thinking about it just makes me feel sick. The other part wants to just pour out all these toxic feelings and just get them out of my system.

Has anyone had psychotherapy before? What kind of questions do they ask you? I'm worried if I'm asked to explain I just won't say anything at all.

Thanks in advance for listening to me lose the plot.

Hello Quercus

I can see you are feeling nervous but do try to relax. Whatever you say to your psych will be between him and you. No one else will know. I understand the part of you that wants to bury the old feelings. Take them out to sea and throw them overboard with a huge anchor. Sadly they will resurface and usually in the middle of something. Dealing with these things now means you can put them on the bonfire and watch the smoke and ashes drift away.

It's a hard process but with so many rewards, I hope you give it a go. The toxic feelings will stay and contaminate your feelings about anything after a while.

When you are writing just put down what you are thinking. Don't worry about the order or the way you express yourself. Put it in note form, add to it later if you remember something. It doesn't matter how. Your therapist could ask all sorts of things but I suspect he will not ask you a great deal. Prompt you at times when you start telling him about an event, and/or ask how you felt. It's not a scary process but if you do start to get anxious, then say so and ask to go more slowly. Therapists have told me they will only go as fast as I want.

You could copy your posts on BB and print them. What you have written here is fine. Just pretend you are writing to the BB crowd and talk or vent. It's all OK.

Can't write much at a time because I have hurt my wrists. Well my shoulder and knee as well, so writing/typing can be a bit painful. Getting a blood test tomorrow.

Mary

Dear Quercus~

Mary has some good suggestions.

I think you may have some of the same trouble I had. I ended up using the scatter approach. I figured I'd just write whatever. Then after I looked at it and thought - I ought to add this or that (I'd already put a lot of unpleasant stuff down) or what my feelings were now - so I could then add why.

I handed the mess over and let the psych try to sort it all out. Between questions and patience (by both of us) I guess it got there. One thing to remember is you don't always have to say everything as sometimes there is a set of words or phrases or attitudes that pop up time and time again in a good psych's experience which give insight.

I'm probably not making much sense - bit tired - but the main thing is give the material and see, it should be a cooperative session.

BTW I'm enjoying Jon Bellion, more versatile than I first thought.

The psych won't think you are over-reacting or stupid, please trust me on that, and if you feel something important is being left out - then sing out.

Croix

Oh my goodness Mary you are the kindest person! Fancy writing that supportive and wonderful reply even though you are hurt! I hope you are resting and getting some pain relief and the blood test tomorrow isn't as difficult as your last one was. Is it alright if I ask what happened? Of course you don't have to say if you don't wish to though. I'm thinking of you and hoping you're not feeling down about the pain limiting your movements (the restriction on my movement was the hardest thing I found to deal with until my meds started working for my PsA).

Your bonfire idea reminded me of a memory of the relationship I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. When I'd finally left I took every letter, photo, diaries... anything that reminded me of him in the slightest and burnt them all. So when I read your post I remembered breathing in smoke, watching his handwriting burn away and feeling free. So thank you.

I've decided not to write at all. I couldn't sleep last night and in the morning I had decided the problem can be summarised by asking one simple question... What is the definition of rape within a relationship?

So I asked my husband. His reply validated my feelings and reaffirmed to me that I've been truly blessed to find my soulmate. I was so relieved to find the question just rolled off my tongue and immediately he knew what I was struggling with and what to ask. So I'm going to do the same when I speak to the psychiatrist. It's one little question. I can deal with asking the psychiatrist one small question.

I don't expect you to reply Mary (honestly I don't want you to hurt even more trying to type so please just rest ok). I am surprisingly fine and it's only a week and a bit till my appointment. I think you're right that it is going to be absolutely awful but getting this out of my system and out in the open at long last is going to help me a lot long term. It is enough that I know you are listening 😊

Take care of yourself Mary and hopefully you feel even a little better soon.

As always, thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it more than I can explain.

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply and your advice. I've been trying to convince a friend with depression to join the forums she really doesn't know the kindness and empathy she's missing out on here. So thank you.

I'm grateful that you said the psychiatrist won't think I'm stupid or overreacting. That just reaffirms how my hubby responded and makes me even more sure I will be able to get this question out to start the discussion.

I'm glad you're enjoying Jon Bellion! I love his music best with headphones on and nice and loud so I feel immersed in the songs. I read your Croix Parler thread and I'm not as much a music connoseiur as you I think 😊 But I'll try put my 2 cents in when I find something worth checking out on YouTube.

Hope you manage to have a sleep and recharge. You do so much good on these forums you must be exhausted 😊

Wow, what a turnaround. May I be a bit sneaky and say you have come to this conclusion by writing about it? 😊

My wrists are bit easier this morning because I have taken my painkillers. The blood test is to see if I have a viral infection given to me by a friendly mozzie, something like Ross River Fever, though I hope not. My psychiatrist thinks it could easily be stress and anxiety over an ongoing situation. It feels like arthritis but both my GP and physio are not convinced. Leaving in a few minutes. The pathology nurses tried yesterday to get some blood but again my body refused to co-operate. This morning I have kept very warm and drunk a lot of water, so here's hoping.

Congratulations for finding the right question.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Fingers crossed your blood test goes to plan! Good luck. I'm glad you've got a bit of pain relief today and I hope you get some answers soon. If the GP doesn't come up with anything do you think you'll see a Rheumatologist? My Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA) flare ups don't show up in blood tests and the Rheumatologist said that is fairly common so they go by the pain and swelling in my joints instead. Might be worth a try if your blood test is inconclusive.

Haha yes thank you for encouraging me to write. It did help me a lot to look at all my scribbles and crossed out words and then to realise the one word that I was refusing to put on paper. So thank you Mary and Croix. I'll let you know how I go once I see my psychiatrist.

Mary you mentioned it may be stress and anxiety related. Of you need to talk about anything please know I am here. I meant to ask if you have a thread of your own I'm not very good at finding things on here so could you point me in the right direction?

Take care 😊

Hello Quercus

Thanks for your good wishes. Keeping my fingers crossed, or I would if it didn't hurt. I do have arthritis which has been well controlled for several years and I thought this is what was happening. The pain keeps moving round the body which makes my GP and physio wonder if it is a virus. Also there is little or no inflammation, which is good but tends to rule out arthritis flare up. Hopefully I will have an answer soon. The body behaved this morning and the requisite amount of the red stuff siphoned out.

No I don't have a thread of my own. I like talking to lots of people and I find when I have a problem I blurt it out to someone, have a chat and move on. This particular problem has a history and I am simply caught up in the process. I feel I cannot talk about it here, not because of any lack of trust in people like you but because it is such a public document that anyone may read. I don't know if I am making it better or worse by being a bit cryptic. I am happy to talk about the various happenings in my life when posting to others if this is useful.

Thank you for your offer to talk, much appreciated. May I ask your indulgence on this? I have a number of people caring about me and I consider myself very blessed.

By the way, did you know Quercus is an oak tree? I think that's very appropriate for you.

Mary

Hi again Mary,

Good to hear the blood test went better this time. Do you have to wait long until they have some answers for you? I hope you're managing to get some rest.

I'm not worried about you choosing not to have a thread. I'm just happy talking to you and you're most welcome to share this one with me 😊 I worry too about my thread being so public and my whole story being accessible in one place but I figured I need the support so I'll just have to hope I stay anonymous.

Oh and I smiled so much at your last comment. Oaks are my favourite tree that's why I chose this name. I love gardening if it didn't pay so poorly I'd go back to nursery work. My garden has gotten me through some very hard times. I love growing plants from seed or cuttings and watching them grow. Currently I have 25 bougainvilleas that I'm going to train into Standards. Not having any money they'll make nice presents by the time birthdays arrive. Sorry you chose the one topic I could talk about all day 😊 I burst into tears when I saw Kanga's virtual garden. I felt like someone had created a place to guarantee I'd stay here haha.

Anyway I'd better get to sleep. Take care Mary, I'm thinking of you and if I could wish the pain away I would.

Hello Quercus

Perhaps you can change your picture to an oak tree.😊 Is it a fox or cat at the moment?

I think your anonymity on BB is secure and so is mine. So whoever reads our various stories is unlikely to say "Oh, she lives next door to me".

My garden was a great help to me and still is in many ways. I find I cannot work outside in the summer, and Qld has had such a long, hot summer. I am working out how to re-landscape the garden so that I do not have a lawn. My lovely gardener man will do the hard work while I play the helpless female. What I want to do will cost money so I am resigning myself to changing a bit at a time. I am not a patient person so I need to draw diagrams and work out in general what to plant where. My back garden is about 10m square so not a huge plot. I like the idea of beds with plants at different heights for interest. I love watching Gardening Australia.

I may get the test results tomorrow but if not I will need to wait until Wednesday. Now there's a test in patience. I am feeling so much better today and wonder if it is because all I have done is go to church, sit and read, have a nap and write on BB. I even feel like cooking tea.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Thanks for reminding me it's a safe place here, I needed that.

I'm glad to hear you had a better day! There is nothing better than having a day of rest every now and again. I like going to church too but I haven't been able to go for a long time (I found I'd be a bit overwhelmed and end up sobbing in the car the whole way home every time). But I'll get there eventually 😊

Garden designing is so much fun! I love drawing up plans and getting out my books to choose plants and features. Do you find it helpful having a project to keep you busy? Getting rid of lawn makes sense in our climate but I'm attatched to it so I've compromised for a small area of lawn. I've planted creeping thyme as a lawn substitute in other areas which looks really pretty and my bees absolutely love it. What are you planning?

I'm feeling a lot better today too. Trying to start applying some of the things I've learned from being on the forums. I'd never known about triggers and have started noticing patterns in myself and when and how I react to certain situations.

Last night I got to a point where I was close to another panic attack. When I get anxious I unconsciously bite my nails and hubby had been nagging me to stop. Him getting annoyed and nagging reminded me of the toxic relationship at uni where I'd learnt to expect to have my hands restrained or smacked and to beyelled at and told I was revolting if I started biting my nails. So part of me was expecting hubby to lash out at me.

So I told him that. It was such a relief to recognise a trigger and put it into words. My husband said he wants me to do this more often even if it's just saying "something you're doing is a trigger at the moment" and I need you to stop.

And the floodgates just opened and I was able to talk a little about some of my hurtful experiences and tell him I'm confused about whether I'm overreacting and whether it was abuse. And I talked about the feelings of shame and guilt and self hatred. He said it explained so much about how I seem to explode sometimes and react unexpectedly to things.

Best of all he said he didn't think I was pathetic at all.... just that I had been 17 and alone in a city with noone I knew to ask for help and someone I should have been able to trust had manipulated and taken advantage of me.

So I feel good today. I feel like I've taken the first step towards empowering myself.

As always, thanks for listening Mary

Oh Quercus, I am so happy for you that you have broken down another barrier. It sounds like you and your husband had a huge discussion with a fantastic outcome. We don't think you are pathetic either. You have worked so hard to get to this position, how could you be pathetic. Many, many congratulations. 😊

Ah yes, triggers are the pits. How great you are learning to recognise them and trace the source. They lose so much of their power when brought into the light. Please tell your husband he is as great as you.

I have never really tried to design a garden before. I feel that if I make some plans it will stop me rushing out and buying plants etc that are not suitable. At the moment I have a raised bed on half of each side of the garden with a short raised bed at right angles at the end. I have a paved patio with roof and a garden bed at the end of the garden. I'm planning to put tall plants in the back. I have a Ponytail tree which I love for its shape and a snowflake tree which has the softest leaves and blossoms. I put a seedling from this tree into a pot but it has now outgrown the pot so I will plant it next to its mother. That will fill up the back row.

I love natives and have two grass trees. They have been remarkably resilient and have started to generate offspring plants. I need to find out if I can divide them and how. A bit scared at the moment in case I kill them. Don't laugh. I would be a rich lady if I had the cash I spend on plants that die. I would like a few flowering plants but the flowers do not last so I tend to go interesting foliage plants. Moses in the cradle grows rampantly, is useful as a filler and has lovely green and purple leaves.

I have been successful with Strelitzia but anyone can grow these. Very hard to kill. My front garden is covered with large, white pebbles, enough to keep the weeds at bay. I have a dozen or so large rocks set in the pebbles with a Yucca tree in the middle. I toyed with the idea of a cacti garden but decided against it in the end. There are lots of dry garden plants also and I will leave it as it is.

Yes, projects are helpful. I have a bad habit of becoming immersed in a project to the detriment of everything else. I need to plan my days better to have outside contact as well as quiet times. Tomorrow will be quiet as it is Anzac Day. I am getting tired and I need to write some emails so will save that for tomorrow.

Carry on being amazing.

Mary

Dear Quercus~

I was just going to come over here and thank you for that really great I could stay like this forever mind-picture in

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

However I also saw your latest post, about biting fingernails leading to a better place. I'm really happy for you. Best of all your husband asked you to say when it happens again. Gold.

Croix

Arrgh two steps forward and then a big long slide backwards...

Had a bit of an argument with hubby. He's worried about my investment on the forums. Worried I'll take everyone else's problems on board (I do tend to do that). Wants me to check with the psychiatrist that being on here is good for me. Want me to consider maybe just sticking to the social threads and positive threads until I feel a bit better.

I know he has a point but I keep thinking about something he said... That I need to be very careful about commenting and trying to help others when I'm not in a good place myself. That threw me. Have I done harm on here? I hate the idea that I might have upset someone vulnerable.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week so I suppose I'll ask then. I thought I was doing better but I'm back to the weird mood swings. I spose it's just start again. Small steps. Sigh.

Quercus - I can only speak for myself, but your kind words in the darkness are always a welcome contribution.

I am sorry you have had this disagreement. Do YOU feel better or worse after being on BB? That should give you your answer.

when I was young, chat lines were all the rage. I would often stay up for hours chatting to others in a similar situation because they made me feel " normal". Then came Facebook.... another escape, the fantasy world where everyone is always having a "good" time! Now BB where it's ok to be "me" again.

because my hubby isn't part of my world, I restrict my BB when he's asleep or working, or otherwise occupied. Not honest, but part of my issues.

if the social side of BB helps, stick there. If offering hope and kindness to others in need helps, then keep doing what you are doing. Would it help to explain how it helps you to hubby?

Wishing you happiness and sunlight.

TA

Dear Quercus~

Firstly your thread is 'positive'

Secondly as you might realize I read a lot of threads. Your posts (I probably have seen most if not all) to others have been a positive influence, that does not mean 'cheerful', it means people have gained in a good way.

I know where our hubby is coming from but that is a superficial view based on lack of experience (rather like condemning an artwork/book when still unseen/unread)

When I first came here I was rather overwhelmed with sadness while just scanning tons of posts. Now that I interact with people that is no longer the case. I see everyone here as real people and while I tend to hurt when they do, I am also gladdened by their presence, courage and recoveries. Also by their desire to smooth the path of others.

People -you, me, TA, almost everybody -need to give as well as receive. Ask your psych.

Croix

typo -sigh your hubby, not our hubby
C

Dear Quercus~

Looking back on what I wrote I was perhaps a little harsh in relation to you hubby, I can see where he is coming from, and I'm sure he wants the best. So I apologize. It is simply until one experiences this place it's just about impossible to judge what it does and the effect it has on those here.

Croix (who has taken up entirely too much space today)

Thanks Croix and TA,

I needed that reassurance so thankyou (still going to chat with the psych though).

After a little sleep (bleh night shift) and reading on TA's post about using the internet to escape I think I get where hubby is coming from. I deleted facebook etc because it was an obsession. It stopped me from being 'present' in the real world.

I'm doing the same here at the moment. Escaping online at a cost to the people in my life. I agreed I'd limit my time online and to be honest I haven't done that. I agree TA that I feel good about the forum and I agree with Croix that it's important to give to recieve support. It's just a matter of balance 😊

By the way sorry Mary I haven't forgotten your reply about your garden it sounds amazing and I will reply soon xx

Thank you all 😊

Quercus

I believe it's a matter of degree. There have been some folk who have become sort of addicted to BB. One person was told by her psychiatrist to stop writing here. Though I think it was more because it interfered with her therapy.

I very much doubt this is you. You have received heaps of help and support here according to you. No one has tried to be your psychiatrist or psychologist. We have all talked about our own experiences, what helps, what doesn't etc. You have been accepted here without judgement and I think this has been great for you.

You have also given words of encouragement to others and that takes a lot of doing at times. It is good for all of us to consider how to help someone else and it makes us feel good.

You have practised telling others about your difficulties and this has helped you to talk to your husband, no mean feat. Your psych will discuss with you if he/she thinks you are spending too much time here. There are times when we cannot answer a post for all sorts of reasons. Speaking personally, I sometimes read a post, realise it is upsetting for me and move on. You are able to do the same.

I think it is less likely you will take the concerns of others to heart too much. We are more likely to become too engaged when we meet with someone physically and often. There is an element of comfort in being physically in the presence of another person that is not available here. We also do not have usual type of conversations here. It is often several days before we can give or receive an answer, totally different to meeting for a chat and coffee.

I know I get concerned about the people I know. Doesn't mean I am not concerned for the people on BB. It is different. If we are tired, upset, having a bad day at home we will make ourselves get up and meet with others. Here we can leave the answers for a short while because here there are others to take up the slack, so to speak.

In short, this is a family which cares about all its members.

Just returned home and discovered I had not posted this or switched my computer off. Yeah.

Mary

Hi Quercus,

I hope you don't mind me dropping in here. You have been so supportive to me i wanted to find you and try and give you the same support.It is such a journey isn't it, one step forward, couple of steps back, thinking , re evaluating but you are making progress. I'm so glad that you have a husband who knows you are on the forums and goes out of his way to help you and try to understand. As far as the argument you had about being on the forums I can see where he is coming from but i also think that being here and helping others helps us help ourselves. As far as absorbing the negative energy of others, i personally believe this happens when we are in the presence of others. When i am around 'him' i feel negative and down i know i absorb his negative energy. On the forums i think we need to beware of reading things that may trigger or anxiety/depression etc but that goes for everyone here. The upside of being here is connecting with others who understand and benefiting from helping others. Your hubby is just concerned for you and wanting to help you get better so i hope you can resolve this and find a happy medium. If you do stick just to the social zone that is ok too. We know and recognise the contributions you make and if you chose to take a break from that it is ok.

cmf x

Hi Mary,

You always seem to have the words that speak to the heart of my worries! I'm relieved to hear the story about how there have been people addicted to the forums and that I don't seem like that.

Today was a day of moderation. I tried to stick to a few comments and then put the phone away and be with my kids properly. And I had a much better day everyone was happier for it. So moderation is the key I think. And avoiding threads that may be difficult for me to read. So thank you for your advice.

I like how you talked about people all chipping in to pick up the slack. I think I was worried if I started talking to someone and then was offline for a few days they might feel hurt so its a relief to hear that too.

How are you going? Any news from your tests? I hope you are feeling alright in yourself! I told work I'm dropping back a shift I don't think the extra night shift was doing me any good and my joints suffer a lot after being on the concrete floors all night (thank goodness for tiger balm!). Pain is such a tedious thing isn't it!

Your garden sounds beautiful I havent heard of a snowflake tree though will have to google it. I don't know much about transplanting grass trees if I remember I'll ask my Dad when I see him (he's moved a few on the farm over the years and they've survived).

Take care Mary 😊

Hello again CMF 😊

Of course you're welcome here the more the merrier!

Thanks for your comments they make a lot of sense to me. I'm avoiding all the triggers I can on here it's a good thing to have the moderators I think.

Yes I am very fortunate to have my hubby's support. I keep telling him he's welcome to read my posts even gave him the username but he seems content to give me my space and privacy which is nice too. I am sorry that you don't have a similar support like this though. But you seem to be coping a lot better lately with your ex. Do you have much support apart from on the forums?

Hope to talk to you more soon 😊