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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Topic: Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

  1. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
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    4 November 2019 in reply to CMF

    Hi CMF ❤

    Thank you for checking in on me. I wish I could say I've been keeping up with your thread but I've been back to mostly just replying to new members when I can (my fall back when not so well).

    Saw my psychiatrist last week and finally hubby came with me. It was a good plan and helped a lot. I got really angry and frustrated with both of them discussing things I knew wouldn't help to the point where the Psychiatrist asked me what I DO want to try.

    I asked to remove the ADHD meds which both of them got upset about. I've been feeling uncomfortable with them because they make my moods so extreme and I feel so tired all the time except for a few hours of energy when the meds kick in where I get angry because I can't get enough done before I slump again.

    In a nutshell Psychiatrist says the depression is worse. I'm trying a new ADHD med which has been a bit better so far. I am a bit less angry thank goodness.

    Enough about me. How are you? I'll check your thread tonight (right now I'm getting a little tired again) and get up to date.

    It's lovely to hear from you CMF.

    ❤ nat

  2. Doolhof
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    4 November 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    Hope the medication works okay for you and your energy levels are more stable. Being all over the place can be hard to balance.

    Sometimes it can be beneficial taking partners along to our sessions, that way they have a better understanding of what is happening.

    One day I was having a melt down at home while my husband was home. I telephoned Life line or Beyond Blue and actually asked the guy I was talking with if he could explain to my husband why I was having trouble being rational when I was so depressed.

    I think it helped my husband understand a little. He made me a cup of tea after the phone conversation and backed off a little.

    Thinking of you, Cheers from Dools

    3 people found this helpful
  3. CMF
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    4 November 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Nat,

    Good to hear from you. I do hope you are able to get these meds sorted and feel better.

    I am well, don't worry too much about my thread, just do what you can at the moment. I'm good, things are good. I'm very blessed.

    cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  4. CMF
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    6 March 2020 in reply to CMF
    Hi Nat,

    Wow, 4 months have flown by. Not sure of you re reading, but thinking of you and hope you're ok.

    Cmf x
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
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    11 March 2020 in reply to CMF

    Thanks as always CMF. I logged on to vent because I'm losing the plot and don't know what else to do and saw your message which was nice. I want to be able to care for others too but I'm empty.

    Today feels like the last straw and I've had enough. New antidepressants dont work and combined with ADHD meds I am constantly overheated and angry.

    My son has a bloody fever and cold so now I have to keep both kids home. The noise on top of everything is driving me fkn insane.

    I haven't gone to work gardening in two weeks (have done my clean at 2am so I don't have to deal with anyone).

    Haven't volunteered here for ages and gave up volunteering at the kid's school.

    The list of emails and texts I haven't replied to yet is overwhelming.

    I feel like a yoyo. One minute I'm stable, the next my clothes are soaked in sweat yet again and I'm explosively angry.

    Hubby is staying home tomorrow to take our son to the doctor. I've just got to wait for the psychiatrist appointment.

    I'm tired and so hot.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    Sounds like you are having a really rotten time right now. I hope that expressing yourself here helps in some small way to take some of the stress off yourself.

    Letting go of frustrating thoughts, emotions and feelings can be so beneficial. Are there ways you can let loose safely and release some of what is inside of you?

    The other day I got the saw out and halved a tree! Helped heaps with my mood but did very little for my back, neck and shoulders! Had treatment today to sort that all out. Good thing I can't start the chainsaw!

    Hope you and hubby managed to cope okay.

    Thinking of you!

    Kind regards from Dools

    3 people found this helpful
  7. blondguy
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Nat

    Im sad that you have been going through such a rough time

    You are a true champion for not answering your emails and texts....You come first....everything else is secondary

    my best for you and your family Nat

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  8. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Nat,

    Sorry to hear things are not working.

    You are far more important than texts and emails.

    I hope your son is ok.

    I think you and I need our new year to start soon because so far it has been awful.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  9. CMF
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Quercus
    Hey Nat,

    Sorry things are so hard at the moment. One foot in front of the other, take care of you and your family first, let the rest go.

    When is your appointment? We are here if you need.

    Deep breaths Nat, one foot in front of the other...

    Cmf x
    2 people found this helpful
  10. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat.

    I wanted to drop in to say hi.

    I see you've been struggling. You are in my thoughts.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Quercus
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    4 June 2020 in reply to HamSolo01

    Thanks Mitch.

    I appreciate you checking in. Doesn't sound like you're feeling very well lately either. Hopefully this all passes soon for all of us in a low.

    Tried to reply to your thread and keep deleting instead.

    Hi to anyone reading. Life is the same here but I'm trying as always. Tired. Sad. The usual. Hope the view is better from where you all are.

    ❤ Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    4 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    The words same old same old come to mind. Tired, sometimes sad, teary , some good days, maybe that is li

    nat it is great to read your post.

    Take care

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    4 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    I went for a walk yesterday on a road that runs parallel to the one I usually walk on in our region, and yes the view was very different.

    Recently smallwolf shared a story about choosing a new pathway that is better than the ones we have created in our minds already.

    While walking, I reminded myself I am in the same area, but seeing something totally different.

    I hope Nat you can find some joy, peace and hope in amongst the tiredness and sadness.

    While reading notes this morning I was reminded of "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" and sitting with those unpleasant thoughts instead of trying to fight them off.

    Wishing you some little treasures along the journey Nat.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Quercus
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    5 June 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Thank you Quirky and Mrs D... Reading your posts helped yesterday. I was feeling a bit crap.

    Quirky I've missed reading your posts. How are you coping since the fire?

    You mentioning 'Same old' helped a lot. I get that feeling sometimes and get in moods where I just want to change everything in my life radically. And it backfires on me because I need routine to feel well. Last time it happened I shaved my hair off which I regret. Keep wondering if the psychiatrist is onto something putting me on bipolar meds. They seem to help somehow.

    Mrs D when you wrote about choosing a pathway different to what we create in our minds it made me think about something unrelated but something I realise now is a problem. I hadn't seen it till now. So thank you.

    My problem is creating daydreams to distract myself. I'm not present a lot of the time and hours can pass without me realising.

    Yesterday was a bad day. I had one of those nightmares where you want to wake up but can't. Thank goodness my hubby shook me awake. I was soaked in sweat. It took me an hour to fully wake up.

    At work I made myself focus. Realised how absent I usually am. I suspect most days I work on autopilot. It made sense why hubby gets so annoyed. If he was absent with our kids and I it would upset me too.

    Trying to be present I made myself visit a friend today rather than retreat home and go blank like I wanted to. It was nice and I have missed her. I'm absolutely drained (three kids and a friend wanting attention I find hard) but it was worth it.

    Hopefully I can give my kids and hubby my attention and set aside time before bed to have time alone.

    Have a lovely weekend everyone.

    ❤Nat

  15. Croix
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    5 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Natalie~

    It is great to hear from you, and you are probably right, a fair amout of time spent in autopilot, at times so do I when anxiety takes over.

    You did say

    Hopefully I can give my kids and hubby my attention and set aside time before bed to have time alone.

    Visiting your freind would have been lovely, but as you said, exhausting, so maybe not trying similar all the time?

    May I suggest that some autopilot may be needed as you are making daydreams, not always nightmares, so perhaps a more balanced approach might be a good start, not forcing yourself all day with only a little time at night, but something more gentle on yourself

    What do you think?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    6 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    I sometimes have issues with disconnection. Like you, I can go through a day and wonder where I have been and what have I actually been doing all day.

    One psychologist suggested I stop now and then to consider things I can see, taste, feel, hear and darn it I have forgotten what the 5th sense is! Oh well, you get the idea. To be honest I found it all a little weird. Maybe she needed to explain the reasoning behind it for me to be committed in trying it.

    When I am out walking I do try to stop to take photos, that helps me stay connected with what is going on around me. One day I just kept walking...then remembered I had to get home again!

    Daydreams can be a pleasant way to pass some time and helps to relax the mind and maybe even goes towards creating those new helpful pathways.

    Could you set an alarm on your phone each hour or so that will remind you to check back in with reality, have a look around for a while then continue on with your day.

    Hope you find ways to move on Nat, best wishes from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  17. josh1245
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    10 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    hey Quercus I would firstly like to applaud you for your incredible strength and bravery in having the strength in posting your struggles at the moment its something that you should be really proud of yourself. Im really sorry that you are currently going through such a hard time right now. but you have everyone in the beyondblue community to support you in your journey.

    regards josh.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Quercus
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    11 October 2020 in reply to josh1245
    Oh. Talk about thankful...

    It's been so long since I looked at my thread. Even reading the forums is overwhelming which (for me) is not a good sign.

    Am trying to force myself to keep talking rather than shut down even more. I forgot how hard it can be to want to try sometimes. Seeing your post Josh1245 meant a lot to me. Thank you.

    Hopefully I'll feel able to find your thread and learn your story in time.


    Things here feel pointless. Usually I'd work on my garden but that makes me feel worse. We are just waiting for information on a proposed mine right around our home.

    I feel so angry and lost. They've started upgrading local roads, upgrading rail crossings and installing cameras in the bush. The number of utes and trucks has exploded. But there is no information yet. Nothing. We got a letter from the shire saying a community mediator had been selected and we'll find out more soon.

    The amount of money being spent is a bad sign. It's as if they know it's going ahead regardless of any consulting. But we don't even know what is planned apart from that they found nickel, platinum and copper. And there used to be a gold mine in the area.

    Hubby said if they refine anything locally we have to try sell and leave. The idea of leaving and starting all over again has broken me. Hubby says we have to wait and see but I am numb and empty. My garden.

    Sorry for the negativity. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. Am going to ask him to put me back on the old antidepressants I know work somewhat. Have to try something because right now everything except my kids feels pointless.

    Thanks for the space to vent. It does help.

    Note to self... Lots of words in there after all see! Just try again.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Croix
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    11 October 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Nat~

    I'm glad to hear from you, even though you are in a bad space. I hope the ADs do something.

    Frankly I'm not surprised you feel pointless, with the prospect of your house and garden for which you have planned, saved and worked for having to be sold. Pretty devastating.

    How is your husband taking it, as down for him?

    My wife, Mrs C, always says "when one door closes another opens" which at the time of the disaster does not seem in the slightest helpful -annoying even.

    Trouble is she has an excellent track record, and most often something else does come up

    So how are the ferals?

    Hang in here Nat, we are still thinking of you and hoping it works out well

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Quercus
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    12 October 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thank you Croix ❤️.

    Mrs C is a smart cookie. I'm glad you have her in your corner. How have you both been?

    Hubby says the same thing. He's realistic and says as long as the kids and us are ok we'll just start again. He's been trying to be healthier to improve his blood pressure which is good to see even if he's disappointed/annoyed that I'm not trying as well.

    Ferals are just feral and Ive given up on trying to reign them in. Let them enjoy being kids. I like their joy for life. They're both such lovely little human beings I wish I could enjoy being with them. They can tell I'm not right inside again.

    Miss 5 lost her first tooth. She has her own tooth fairy now called Mrs Fang (her brother has Mrs Tooth). I made the handwriting on the note so silly with loops that even Mr 7 couldn't read it. Got to seize even small joys huh.

    Time for work. Thank you for your care Croix. I hope you are alright xox






    1 person found this helpful
  21. CMF
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    12 October 2020 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Nat

    So good to hear from you. Wow, that's a lot goung6on there. I'm sorry to hear you may have to sell up. Your kids are growing, I'm with you, sometimes just gotta let them be ferral and enjoy being kids.

    Hope to hear more from you.

    Cmf x
    1 person found this helpful
  22. startingnew
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    27 January 2021 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat

    I thought id pop in to say hello and see how you are?

    💜💚

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Quercus
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    26 February 2021 in reply to startingnew
    Hi CMF and SN and anyone who reads this,

    Thanks for posting CMF and SN and I'm sorry I never seem able to reply or check on anyone.

    Being truthful, things here are ups and downs. Overall I am overwhelmed and tired and worried.

    Dad started chemo and radiation this week. He goes every day. I drove down south today to deliver the bags of frozen meals hubby had cooked to make life even slightly easier for Mum and Dad.

    Seeing the chemo pouch thing made it very real I guess. One week down, four more to go, then another course of chemo, then major surgery then another course of chemo. It's advanced. The specialists said my sister and I have to go have checks urgently too. I haven't yet.

    My Dad is positive and resilient as always so I can't help but feel he will survive this. The alternative isn't something I can cope with at the moment.

    Not sure what's going on in my head. I hope you're all doing alright.

    Nat
    1 person found this helpful
  24. CMF
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    26 February 2021 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Nat

    No apology needed for not replying. We understand.

    So sorry to hear about your dad. Please know we are here whenever you need.

    Sending you strength and positive vibes.

    Cmf x
    1 person found this helpful
  25. quirkywords
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    27 February 2021 in reply to Quercus
    Thinking of you and your dad and your family xx
    1 person found this helpful
  26. HamSolo01
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    27 February 2021 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Nat
    It is nice to hear from you my friend but I am saddened to hear about the health of your father.
    I do hope it goes okay. You are in my thoughts along with many here.
    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
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    16 June 2021 in reply to HamSolo01

    G'day Nat

    I remember the last time I was on this thread was while I was on a tram to the beach in Adelaide.

    Wherever you are up to in life - i hope you're keeping well

    Take care !

    Hamsolo01

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