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Topic: Finally opening up

  1. BballJ
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    12 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    I agree 100%, fighting the mind is tough, I could have a great day and then comes night time and my anxiety starts spiking and I start running through everything in my head from the day. For no real reason either.

    That is what I like about the forums, it allows us to help people see things from another point of view, in my opinion from where you were when you first came here when you didn't think anyone could help you or almost would care, here we are all these posts later and you have opened up and spoken freely about how you are feeling. No one could ask anymore of someone on these forums and that shows growth in your character.

    Glad to read you made it to the driving range, I need to get there, I played Mini Golf tonight but just wasn't the same as real golf.

    My best,

    Jay

  2. Guest_0087
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    13 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    The night is the worst. I can lie in bed and the mind will just go on its own missions. Sometimes I won't even get to sleep regardless of how tired I am.

    Sometimes I still dont feel like people can help, but sometimes having one person stick with you after all these posts can give you a bit of hope that maybe people do, and it gives me that reason to come back here and see what is said, and hopefully I can find some strength in it to go to the next day.

    I mean, today was another tough night. I have been so down this last week, and tried to take the advice from my counsellor about not saying too much in the home and just letting my family be, and my mum had a go at me for not loving my family or caring enough to speak or say anything. I am just so tired of it all and she just couldnt understand it.

    I have to deal with my ex, who despite everyone telling me to be mean and just tell her to bugger off, I can't do that. It's not my nature to be mean. I hurt so much when I think of her, but that does not mean that I need to hurt her too. Why hurt someone just for the sake of it. And to top it off, I can't find anyone which isn't easy but I am not going to go around and ruin her life just because of that. I have pressure at work too. Not performing so well and having to take on a more senior role when I am not even trained for it. Learning on the go basically. I don't have a social circle that I can hang out with and I get excluded from a lot of things by people I thought were friends. I have to deal with the mental pain of my depression daily and sometimes that exacerbates everything else around me. Today I was so close to crying before work with everything that has been going on but could see everyone in my store looking so stressed and pressured, I had to suppress it. Two of the girls eventually broke down during the day, and I was basically trying to keep the store together and get everyone feeling ok, I didn't even have time for myself, and then I come home and get told off. I don't have a significant other I can look forward to coming home to, or friends, or any of that, sometimes it just adds up. Not even sure if that is a coherent rant, but this is the only place I can.

    Mini Golf is not as fun, particularly if you go with the wrong company. Was at the range again tonight. Game is still a little off, but much better than when i got back from my trip.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. BballJ
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    13 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    I hear you on the mind running wild at night, the amount of nights I have woken up in a panic due to my mind running wild is nuts. It goes into overdrive so I know the feeling. You just want to switch it off.

    My whole reason for joining these forums initially was to seek help for my mental health but I stuck around to help others because I would much prefer seeing other people happy and even if that means just talking to them like I am you, I am not a trained professional by any means but just someone who has been there in your spot and trying to help where I can so I do hope you find some strength in my posts but know someone does care.

    Sounds like you had a very tough day and night, are you still running the show at work? It sounds like you stepped up to the plate and controlled the situation which is all anyone can ask. Sounds like a true leader to me. Learning on the go isn't a bad thing either. Remember quite a while ago you wanted to just quit and find another job and now you are practically leading it which again shows how far you have come.

    I understand what you're saying about not wanting to hurt your ex, I don't think anyone can ask you to do that, you care and that is a great trait, I think just slowly stopping contact is required but in the most civil way and that doesn't mean you do not talk every now and then but if her speaking to you is bringing you down then ask yourself is it 100% worth it to maintain contact just so you keep her happy whilst remaining unhappy yourself?

    Sorry you had the argument with your mum, have you tried explaining how you are feeling to her and what you are going through or she refuses to believe you?

    Sounds like you're game is coming back at golf, good stuff.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    14 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi jay

    It's admirable that you stuck around. Not everyone does that. Not everyone tends to see others and jump to help. A lot of people will only look out for themselves.

    I wouldn't say running the show, but it just seems like my ATL isnt doing the job she needs to. There comes a time when you need to be a boss, and a time when you need to be a leader, she is trying too much to be a boss, and not a leader. It just required simple things and she missed them.

    I tried to stop contact. I even told her that I need time. She is the one who messages randomly, and I can't help but just be kind and respond. I don't know if she is being naive and thinks I am over it already, or just doesn't care.

    I did try to explain, but no luck. She just can't seem to comprehend it. I am in a massive hole at the moment. I keep making the wrong life choices and I just keep getting further depressed. I need to start finding myself somehow and somehow finding a way back. I'm at a point where I want to hate myself, but know that that is not helpful in any way. I want to move forward, but not keep making the same mistakes. I want the things that a lot of people have, and I just want to be able to smile again.

    Yeah it is, but i just wish it was consistent.

  5. BballJ
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    14 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    I stick around for as long as I am needed. If this conversation helps in any way then I will keep talking. I am not trained or anything so my advice can only be very generic but through personal experience, just talking about stuff helps so much.

    I might share a video on YouTube with you that I listened to today which I found of some benefit, link is here, let me know what you think. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I24-IBfeDA - Has some very good details are overcoming depression and heart break.

    Never stop being kind, if you feel you need to reply, then reply, but setting some personal boundaries with her may be required, something where you don't reply to every text or take your time replying. You do not want her to think you are at her beck and call when she wants after all she has put you through.

    I understand you are in a massive hole, what are the life choices you feel that you are making that are wrong? There are many ways to find yourself but it takes time, some people go many years without fully knowing who they are. Hating yourself is of no benefit to you, it just hampers the motivation. May I ask, how do you find things are going with your psych? Are you finding any benefit from it?

    My best,

    Jay

  6. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    17 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    That is true. Talking definitely does help. Don't worry, I dont expect you to give full on advice as I know what it is like, but just having that someone to talk to and that support makes it that bit easier. I'll actually explain why.

    I watched that video you sent, and it was getting me motivated. So I ended up spending some time this weekend downloading motivational audio and songs for my gym playlist and just to try and help me out. I decided I needed to get motivated and there is no point saying I will change if I don't actually do it. So today was day 1. Not the most exciting or the best day, but it's a start, and now I need to hope that I can continue it. They say it takes 40 days to overcome addiction, so I know it will be tough, but hopefully this new impetus and this new direction will help.

    I also decided to change things with my ex. I sent her a message telling her how I never fully got over her and how much it damaged me to lose her. But now I need to change and do something for me. So whilst I will be there as a friend when she needs, I just need some time for me, to find the best version of me so that I move forward. I told her to give me that time and I will talk to her when I am ready.

    My psyche is good. He can understand and obviously you walk out of there feeling a bit refreshed, but you can only control so much. I can't control the people in the home and so on, so whilst it helps, I think I am going to ruffle some feathers over the next few weeks with this new approach, but it has to be done.

    Hope you had a good weekend?

    1 person found this helpful
  7. BballJ
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    17 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    Mate, I seriously cannot be an prouder and more amazed at what you wrote, this is exactly what I mean when I say you have come a long way since when you first posted here. I am glad you watched that video and found motivation in it, that is simply the reason I watch those videos myself, the motivate me, they make me realise I am not the only person suffering from this mental health stuff but to get over it you have to do things. You cannot sit there and just wait for it to move on because it will not, you have to be the change and I think you understand that. I am even more amazed at what you wrote to your ex, that to me says you are subtly accepting closure for it and allowing yourself to be free from the pain. You should be very happy with yourself and just keep motivating yourself and keep pushing along, I am always here to talk.

    My weekend was ok, Christmas time so always busy with family stuff, how about yours?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    18 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    Thanks a lot. I have been unloading and unloading (and there will be times when that will happen) but you have been responding and talking despite having your own problems, which in itself is an amazing character. That video you posted really just kind of pushed me I guess.

    Things were just not going well and it got to a point where I just could not take it anymore. I still have some issues with my health and I am not sure what they are because all my blood tests came back normal and everything is fine. This could be the years of mental abuse I depression that has affected my health so badly, but I hope this new path will help. I am also under no illusions that I wont have bad days or tough times, and that the depression, or the pain of not having someone is going to still be there, but I have to at least try to get over this as opposed to just accepting it and giving in.

    Day 2 was a little tougher, but I managed to not give in to some of the usual urges and the usual problems. It kind of started off a bit testing as the first photo I saw today on my instagram feed was of my ex. However, I can't expect things to happen overnight, so hopefully I will pass these little tests and move on with it.

    I love Christmas. Unfortunately we don't celebrate it and I would love to be able to just experience a Christmas with a family that does. I prefer a white Christmas though. Summer is my least favourite of all the months and I do not like it when it gets to summer in Australia.

    Spent my weekend making some bad choices and then deciding that I need to stop and start changing.

  9. BballJ
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    18 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    To be honest, I am at the point where my problems are where they are and if I can help others overcome theirs then I am happy.

    Every single day will present its own challenges but it is in those times that you truly see how much you have overcome and how much you will continue to over come. One day will be all sunny and happy, the others will be all rainy and gloomy, you cannot control that but you can start but focusing on the positives of each day and using them to your advantage, sure you saw the photo of your ex this morning, bad start but did anything else happen, did you see another photo you liked, did you read something that made you smile, something that was positive and you focus your energy onto that and not the photo of your ex. Understanding that these days are here is a big thing too. You will get through this all with flying colours.

    I would love a white Christmas as well, it has been a dream, only ever known hot Christmas' in Australia but its ok, I do love this time of year but. Do you have much plans over the break, if any time of at all?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    19 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    That is very good of you to stick around and help others.

    I know. Nothing really good happened after I saw here photo. I guess not giving in to the usual impulses of falling in to the hole would be considered a win. I didn't feel too great yesterday. Was having moments of light headedness and some other pains. I guess a good outcome was the blood tests and chest x -rays all came back fine, which ruled out the chest pains i was having.

    I know this is not going to be an easy thing to do, but I am trying each day to get myself to think that it will get better. If something can worse, then there must be a way it can get better. For every x there is a y. I still kind of feel like I am not sure if I will see that shining moment of triumph, so at the moment it is all blind optimism.

    I've been fortunate to have to two white christmases, but because we don't celebrate christmas, it just felt like normal days off with family. Would love to do it again. If i could, i would live in winter all year round.

    No real plans as such. I have to work on the 23rd, 24th, and 26th. Have days off over new years. Not really planning anything. Just planning to take some time to relax for myself and chill. Spend some time with the twins hopefully. How about you?

    1 person found this helpful
  11. BballJ
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    19 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    Well that is a positive that all the chest x-rays came back negative, process of elimination with health related stuff, it is possible the feelings of pain you are having could be caused by anxiety? I only say this as I used to get bad chest pains and they would be relatable to anxiety I later found out. Just a thought anyway.

    No one is saying it is easy and all you can do is take it day by day, getting caught up in why aren't you where you want to be only hampers and slows down your motivation. That shining light of triumph is coming, keep working towards it.

    That is awesome, at least you have experienced it, that is quite awesome. I love winter too.

    I will be doing much of the same I think, no work as mine shuts down over Christmas and New Year but I just want to unwind and relax as much as possible. How old are the twins if you don't mind me asking?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    21 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    Yeah, I think my anxiety and depression have caused a lot of issues as well, so hopefully I am taking the right steps to get it sorted.

    I'm a bit of a competitive person. I don't like losing. I think this translates to life. When things are not happening or going well, I get a bit upset about it and wonder why I am not having the luck that I want or the success that I want. But I guess with this new sort of path, I have to remember that I have to be strong about it and hope that success will eventually follow.

    I wish my work shut down over Christmas and New Years. We are absolutely dead at the moment and it is a drag going to work on some days. Still want to watch the new Star Wars, but been so busy at work have not had the time. They just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. BballJ
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    21 December 2017 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    I think you are taking all the right steps to get it sorted.

    Being competitive is fine, it actually I think can help overcomes some things, have a hunger to want to achieve something, harnessing that energy for good is what is required. We all get upset when things don't go our way.

    Not a fan of Star Wars so can't talk to much about it but I have heard good things. 1 is such a great age for babies, they are finally developing a personality as well which is great.

    My best,

    Jay

  14. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    22 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    It does kind of harness a different mentality in certain things I do. It can really help to motivate you at the gym or to want to do well when you are competing in something. It is about trying to find that right balance though as well between being competitive, and not letting the defeat diminish the will to want to continue.

    To be fair, I have watched all the star wars and do like them, but would not consider myself a fan. I much prefer the Marvel movie franchise. At the end of the day, it gives me something to look forward to.

    It is. One of them started to take her first steps a few days ago. They are now starting to develop a lot more and we're seeing them come in to their own a little.

    Hope you have a good weekend.

  15. BballJ
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    8 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    My sincere apologies about the delay in between posts, I haven't been on the forums for a couple of weeks, took a break. How have you been? Love to hear what's been happening?

    My best,

    Jay

  16. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    10 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    No need to apologise. It was Christmas break so understandable. Hope you had a good Christmas and great New Year.

    Things have been going. Won't say good or worse. Just watched the Brisbane Heat lose in a gut wrenching game that has probably got me more angry at the moment. Hahah.

    I've been ok. Have had some horrible down and out moments, and some moments where I feel a bit better. I am progressing slowly and going through each phase I guess. Happy that I am almost a month out from having given up one of my really bad habits. Now I need to move on to the next one and slowly change all the bad things in to good.

    Other than that, have tried to make a few changes as well that will hopefully help me, but I can't really say I can see much progress so far, so just each day as it comes I guess.

    How have you been?

  17. BballJ
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    11 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    What I read in your post is that you are still progressing and that is the main thing, I don't know if you truly ever see how far you have come, I think if you just feel a little bit better then it all helps. Everything adds up. I've had a rough time over the break as well but it's ok, everyday is a chance to grow and get better.

    Any changes you want to discuss here or prefer to keep them private?

    My best,

    Jay

  18. Guest_0087
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    12 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    I like that you can see things from a different angle. Helps sometimes to give perspective.

    I guess there has been some progress, maybe not in the things I want more than more, which makes me think of it as a bit insignificant in a sense. However, I suppose you need to take every little progress and use that as a means to keep moving forward.

    That's not good to hear. I am always happy to listen if you wish?

    Ummm, I think once I figure out how to word them or get my thoughts in order I am happy to discuss them.

  19. BballJ
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    15 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    Whenever you figure them out, you can always come back here and talk. You have come so far and I'll keep telling you that. Thanks for the offer to listen, I do appreciate it.

    How was your weekend?

    My best,

    Jay

  20. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    18 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    Thanks for that. I'm supposed to be seeing my psychologist on Saturday so maybe going to try and get them out there first and then see what happens from there. Yeah, I know I am going through my own things, but I have been known to be a good listener.

    My weekend was average last weekend. Don't really do anything exciting anymore of late, and it's not really of my own doing. Have had to work on Sundays lately which is not as fun, but I guess I rather be doing something than stuck at home. Just wish I could turn these customers in to bookings so that management would stop riding my tail.

    I apologise for not being as responsive, I do come back to check if you have responded, but I think with the sporadic responses it has got me a bit off checking because I guess I don't want to see nothing (if that makes sense).

    Hope you got good plans for the weekend?

  21. BballJ
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    18 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    I think that is great that you will speak with the psychologist first, you always should, I find the forums are more of a back up tool.

    That's ok, I have many weekends like that, have you had any desire to go to the golfing range? I haven't been out for a while, only played one game in the last 3 weeks, which I played ok. Work stress is always fun, obviously in sales as well if you need to turn customers into bookings. Keep trying, sounds like you are a great worker.

    It's ok, I think I need to apologise too, I haven't been on the forums much in the past couple of weeks due to how I have been feeling however I am back full time, which just means Friday & Saturday's off but rest of the week is fine, I do always look to see if you have responded as well. I apologise when you come on and haven't seen a response however.

    Not really many plans, clean the house, play with the dog, go and see the nephew, not much really. How about you? Just working?

    My best,

    Jay

  22. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    22 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    Yeah, the psych has been helpful. I think I am just over my job. The stress is just too much. I can't keep putting myself under any unnecessary stress. I want to start doing something that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. Unfortunately I can't just leave my job as I need need money for bills and things. I also suffer from terrible motivation to actually apply for jobs. The constant rejection,or just even thinking about writing a cover letter or resume puts me off.

    No problem. I understand the New Year period can be different, and you have had stuff going on like you say. Hope everything is much better for you.

    Cleaning the house does not sound fun, but playing with the dog and the nephew sound really good. I haven't been able to get to the range much. The last few times I have been have not been good for me. My back is in terrible shape and and the range is taking it's toll on my back too. So that hasn't been as much as I would like.

    Did not get up to much on the weekend. Been really slack with everything this month, I think i've hit a wall with work and family and such that I just want to get away or get a change or some freshness, but like I said before, there is no motivation for it, so it's just like a terrible cycle at the moment.

  23. BballJ
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    22 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    You say the psych has been helpful, but you seem to be stuck in a rut or a cycle as you call it, are you telling them about the stress you are under with the job and the no motivation to apply for a new one. I know the rejection is hard when applying for jobs, but you cannot change your situation if you just stay in it. It seems your happiness could be changed if you alleviated the stress in your life which means you have to sometimes step out of your comfort zone to achieve that. I know it is tough. You can do this.

    Sorry your back isn't doing too well. Golf is not great if you have a bad back.

    My best,

    Jay

  24. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    23 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    I did tell him about it. He said that I need to look for something else but only I can be the person to decide what that is. I definitely agree with the whole situation cannot change if you stay in it. I really want to try and change it. Perhaps I need to re-find that motivation I had just before Xmas.

    I agree with that so much. A lot is dependent on relieving the stress and I really need to maybe take an initiative and do something about it. I probably sound a little defeatist at the moment and I don't really want to.

    Yeah, it is kind of annoying because it means I can't get to the range as often as I would like. You can get there for the both of us.

  25. BballJ
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    23 January 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    They are 100% right, only you can know exactly what you want. No one said it will be easy but re-finding any motivation you can is 100% necessary, maybe YouTube some motivational videos, they always give me a pep up.

    I don't think you are defeatist at all, I think you just know what you want but not sure how to get it yet. Everything you want is just around the corner, you just need to keep walking.

    Will do mate, hopefully my swing is ok though.

    My best,

    Jay


  26. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    25 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    I agree, I think I know what I want, it is just about getting it. I probably do need to get back in to the motivational videos and such a bit. Always hard when you kind of hit a rock bottom.

    The problem for me in the past was I kept walking, always being told it's just there, then when I think I have it, it gets taken away from me so roughly. That has probably led me to more of completely exhausted and why should i keep trying when it keeps happening this way.

    I'm sure your swing is better than mine at the moment. I need to get back to the chiro to fix up my back so i can get out to the course.

  27. BballJ
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    5 February 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    My sincere apologies about the delay since last posting. Just wanted to let you know my wife and I separated last weekend so trying to work through everything. My turn for the break up cycle I suppose.

    Will be back on the forums soon, just wanted you to know where I was at and wasn't ignoring you or anything.

    My best,

    Jay

  28. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    13 February 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hey Jay

    No need to apologise. You mentioned you were going through something. I'm so sorry to hear of your break up. Break ups are the worst, but you have myself and the whole community here at BB to help you out.

    I too need to apologise, my response has been super slow. I have been having some trouble of my own and it's all come to a head this weekend. Something today though kept bugging me to come on the forums and check if you were back, and I am glad I did.

    If you need anything, or want to vent or just talk, please feel free. I am here if you need.

  29. BballJ
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    15 February 2018 in reply to Guest_0087

    Hi zimbos05,

    Sorry to hear you are going through some stuff, do you want to go into it? I am not on the forums a lot currently but still happy to talk.

    I am struggling with the break up but these things happen, I am working through it and using advice I gave to you actually to pull me through. Music is helping a lot.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Guest_0087
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    224 posts
    18 February 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    No, it's ok. You got own thing going on. I don't want to burden you too much with yours. Maybe when things are a bit more relaxed we can have a chat about it.

    You don't need to tell me about break ups. It can definitely hurt. Sometimes I still miss my ex a lot. Well, you gave some really good advice, so I think you would be pretty good with it. Music definitely does help. I got back in to some punk music from the 90's and 00's and I can't tell you how much I've been enjoying those songs, especially as they can speak on a level that is relatable.

    I am always happy to help if you need, and hopefully I can provide some comfort and support. I understand if you are not on the forums as much. You do what you need to do, and I will be here when you are ready.

    Cheers

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