After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

Dizzy@home - you're absolutely amazing!

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I loved reading your post - not because of your pain, but because of your journey back to your younger self then the jump forward to realise what was going on in the present. It's a privilege to be able to do that as so many people aren't as self aware.

At the start of your post you describe 20 years of trying to work out what's wrong and getting closer. At the end of your post you describe anxiety, panic and depression. You also describe the realisation of trying to be what others want you to be. That change from being to everyone else and not yourself to starting to give to yourself can be frightening. There's a whole set of emotions that come along with it. Some liberating and some just downright painful and scary.

I wonder if visiting a counsellor or psychologist might help - you've kicked off the journey, they might be able to help with the anxiety, panic and depression. Your GP can refer you, or below under "Get support" there is "find a professional".

I admire your spirit Dizzy@home

Drop by and let us know how you're getting on and if you decide to see a counsellor or psychologist.

Paul xx

Hi Dizzy,
I have also felt I need to live up to how others want me to be.
Working jobs to keep people happy instead of being the artist I should be.
I was born with a talent for visual art and music.
Yet I kept going towards a boring corporate life.
I always am paranoid still what family think of me and how they see me, it causes me feelings of shame as I think I am being ridiculed.

Thankyou Paul; your words of encouragement are a welcome sight. I joined this forum to have a voice that's acknowledged and validated. It was a suggestion from an on-line counselling service. Today, writing as I did, made a world of difference to the deep dark place I was in. I felt good afterwards but crashed as I sometimes do. I'm still coping with this as I write now.

I have a wonderful psychologist who's been with me for a long time. I saw her yesterday morning, but she was obviously tired or her mind was somewhere else. I prattled on aimlessly watching her as she clock-watched and yawned. It's the first time this has happened and I suspect my mood today was in part due to this visit. I count on her unbiased attention and well placed open questions to get me into a more positive mind-set.

Anyway, my entry was about sharing a positive experience to add to the 'staying well' subject matter. The thing that's evident within my past is the ability to 'survive'. Even now I type a sentence and then delete the negative words rolling off the keys and start again. I want to survive this period of my life as it has been the most difficult. So staying positive is another purpose for my involvement here.

I've been forced to medically retire from my career in the public sector after nearly forty years due to what I call; 'the day my brain broke'. I crawled on my proverbial belly through months of delusion and gut wrenching fear until I had my first break-through. It was downhill from there. Not like a normal bell-curve mind you, it was slow. But I've managed to achieve a sense of new things on the horizon. Peter Pan said; "Life is the greatest adventure" and it surely is. I'm grateful for your comments; stay well and productive. All the best...Dizzy

Hi MisterM; thanks for responding. You sound like I've been in a way. Pleasing others for me came about through fear of ridicule, punishment and abuse. All my life I've had a good mind and heart. But I HAD to be average! If I stepped up to a level above where my mother for instance felt jealous or envious of, I'd be berated and physically, emotionally and mentally abused until I retreated to my 'place'. When I achieved A's at school I was ignored. But if I got a C she would encourage me by saying; "That's OK, there's bound to be a man out there that wants someone like you". 

Eventually I believed I was destined to be average. But something inside me was rebelling. My own truth was there, whispering words of an uprising. It's this voice that's challenged me to change; to follow my dreams, adventures and face the screwed up thinking and programming that was my family's legacy to me.

Music and dance gave me 'respite' from thinking about what was coming next. While I moved and flowed with the sounds and rhythms, I was free in the moment. It wasn't until a few weeks ago I finally understood why music was my healing power and a path to the real me. MM; you could lose yourself in your gifts for a while. It may encourage you to use what you've learned over your lifetime and combine your visual art/music/corporate skills to discover some wonderful place out there in career land. This is after all the lucky country! You can do it!...Dizzy

Thanks Dizzy.
That is terrible how your mum treated you.
Yeah I fear ridicule the most, which is why I have kept my song-writing, singing lessons, open mic performances secret from her. Once she saw me playing guitar and started laughing hard at me saying I was trying to be John Lennon.
For me, singing well is that moment where I am free from my troubles, where I feel joy when I hit high notes.
I believe you are above average, I hope you achieve all that you desire.

Hey MisterM! Thanks for your reply. You sound like you have a creative spirit. Writing and music are a match made in heaven. I write poems, but can't play or read music. So power to you. And by the way, John Lennon was a master of song and words. He wrote to bring peace to the world. Don't be insulted by a comparison to him ok. It's a huge compliment. Stay well! Dizzy x

Hey Dizzy,

I can't read music either haha.
She only compared me to him because she thought I looked like him with my long hair at the time.

Take care.

Hi Dizzy,

Your journey is like so many others...  Your post brought up wonderful memories of my childhood - playing with my cousins under the sprinkler or doing cartwheels in a storm - laughing and being us.  I went to piano lessons, loved to watch Sesame Street, Happy Days, Bewitched - that was the normal part of my childhood.  I too had a very dominant parent and learnt very young to be what he wanted me to be.

Life went on and I too quit my job and became agoraphobic at 18.  I did get better, but do slip back here and there.  That's why now I'm seeing a BeyondBlue New Access Coach.  Best thing I ever did and I'm hoping that my life will improve for the better.

By writing our feelings and being here for each other is definitely helpful.

Here's wishing you health & happiness.  :-)
 

Hi Dizzy and MisterM

Your singing stories brought back a memory that still brings a pained feeling to my throat *grin*

Fifteen years ago, I became involved in a church choir, attending practice and singing my heart out and learning some of the songs off by heart (just like I did when I went to church as a kid, many moons ago). This choir and church had an annual concert and the songs were picked and we all practiced like mad and on the night, the organist who was also the music director/conductor told me and a couple of other men to hit the last top note in 'Don't fence me in'.

I was the only one to do it, and the conductor sat at the organ and held the note and held the note, and held the note til I looked at him and he had a broad smile on his face and put me out of my vocal strain. I think he said I'd hit top G, but hey.. ol' timers et al I could be wrong. Sopranos go for top C so this is below that, not above it and may not even be called top.

The thing is, I ENJOYED it and for once in my life wished I had the lungs of, I dunno, Pavrotti. I find music to be a great release even if the song is an earwig IYay, right word). I'd love to be able to still reach that note, but... and I'd love to be able to compose, but... .

If music is the song of life, play on.

I can definitely relate to this post dizzy. However, I still find myself so confused and lonely, unable to find a way to venture out of this state. You mention that you have suffered for years, and now have had to retire. For me, I am only 23, didn't finish uni, and have just quit my first full time job. I am moving back home, to be surrounded by people who I believe don't understand me, because I don't understand myself. 

How did you manage to find what was really you? I have attemptedt  please others my whole life, but now I can't seem to differentiate between whether pleasing others is me, or if there is really more to me. I struggle to commit to anything, and am yet to truly see anything through to the end. I'm lost, alone, and have no idea what to do next.

Lawrie, Dizzy, 

Search "Felicia Ricci" on you tube. She has some awesome tutorials and lessons on singing for mid to advanced to keep voices happy and unstrained, and she's easy to listen to and fun.

Paul

Hey jusrob,

It sucks feeling like others don't understand you especially if that plays off not understanding yourself. That can lead to a whole lot of self doubt and lonliness :(

I've noticed we bounce what others say and sometimes their perceptions of us too, off of our own perception of ourselves. You mentioned others don't understand you, and also you don't understand yourself. It's Ok to not understand yourself - as long as it's a work in progress. By work in progress I mean that we're constantly learning about ourselves sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.

Quickly learning about yourself requires that we tune in to what we're saying to ourselves in response to a thought or a feeling. It can take some practice to catch it but once we tune in to that, we're able to match up our behaviour with what happens externally through what we've said to ourselves. This has the bonus of short circuiting listening to our emotions - sometimes they can be a bit warpy when we're feeling crap.

Loneliness sucks! I understand what it's like and it's not pretty. I think that while you learn "you" by listening to your self talk, the loneliness will reduce because as you start to understand yourself, you accept yourself and like yourself more which reduces loneliness. Don't get me wrong having loved ones around is amazingly good, but what I'm trying to say is that loneliness will become "being alone" and being comfortable and happy being in your own company.

I've just touched on one aspect of getting to know yourself, there are certainly others. A trained counsellor or psychologist will be able to provide many more tips on this.

And... It takes a bit of time, it took me 40 years, but it was only when I started seeing my psych that things became clearer and my behaviours were explained.

That you have the curiosity and know that you'd like to know yourself better is a big plus.

Take care jusrob,

Paul

Wow! Thank you Dizzy for creating a topic that undoubtedly describes where I am currently at in my life.

I'm a 29 year old male and have been living, diagnosed with depression for over two years now. Over the past few weeks I have encountered more "misadventures" as I like to call them than I have in the last two years. As a result the exceptional team of medical professionals helping me through this period have insisted that I take some time out (from work etc) to genuinely consider how I myself may be contributing to these occurrences and what I need to do/change to help contribute to improving my own mental health.

Initially, lifestyle choices in terms of working hours, excessive alcohol consumption, poor diet etc were easy to identify and should be easily rectified. However as I started to spend some time with myself, with no exterior influences I began to question if I am truly where I want to be in life or had I simply followed the path of expectation?

At 15 years old I completed my Year 10 School Certificate and decided continuing on with my education was not what I wanted to do at that point in time. It was something that I wanted to do eventually but not then. I was told by my mother that if I were to leave school then I was to gain full-time employment. I did. I was pretty good at the job and then an expectation was placed upon me to progress through the company and into management. I did. I was poached by another company and given a better role. I went, and so on and so on.

Work life was good, however the expectation of continuing my education was still lingering from family members. So, I enrolled in uni and after five years I graduated.

Along the way I always knew that I was bisexual. However this was not something I cared to share with anyone. I had two very serious relationships with women during my 20s one of which I now share a son with (we are separated though). These relationships were by no means a "cover" for my sexuality, I genuinely cared for both of these women and wanted to be with them at those points in my life - however always playing in the back of my mind was that those relationships are what my friends/ family expected me to be in. That was the social norm right?

 Now however, as I continue to spend time with just myself - I find myself wondering if this is actually where I want to be? Sure, I'm proud of my accomplishments but at the end of the day are they really what I wanted to accomplish?

Hey Grunt,

There certainly can be a lot of pressure from family, spoken and unspoken to carry out your life as they have mapped out for you. An interesting point, one of my ex boyfriends came out to his parents (at 43) and his dad's reaction was "I can't say that it's what I had in mind for you". Like it's his Dad's freaking decision anyway!

Just wanted to let you know that if feel like chatting about sexuality - there's a forum for all things GLBTI where like minded folks are happy to listen. Having said that, it's cool to chat here as well, just a suggestion.

You mentioned first up the misadventures and that you have a team of medico's helping you out. Sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment. I wonder if taking it easy, getting stable and worrying about other things when you are well would help.

Take care

Paul

Wow Dizzy, thank you for sharing. It's so good that you are taking the opportunity to get the know the real you. Your story resonated with me, years of people pleasing and fears of rejection etc. 

It can be painful self evaluate and it's so true that negative emotions, depression and anxiety can really increase. Like you, I had some similar experiences and found that pressing on through the difficult emotions and detaching from negative relationships was essential to mental wellbeing. Although it can be a sometimes lonely and isolating experience, you will make the space for more positive experiences and people to move into your life.

 It's great you have a psychologist to help guide you through. Hang in there!

Hi Paul,

thank you for the reply. I did notice the GLBTI forum and will certainly be making my way over there at some stage!

Yep am working closely with professionals at the moment however am into about the second week since my "misadventure", the first week is normally the toughest for me and the second is generally when I start to regain clarity - the dark cloud moves away. In saying that in the past when this has occurred, the second week is generally when I rush back to work and straight back into "normality". My team has insisted this time around though that I take the time for myself.  So having regained clarity and having all this time to myself has me thinking, in a positive way though! Thank you for your concern :)

Hey Grunt,

Listen to your team! You hit the nail on the head. Without fully recovering and easing back into things, the clouds roll back in :(

Step by Step mate.

Paul

Hi all...been out of action for a few weeks. Needed some time out. I enjoyed reading all the above entries and found some solace in your words and discussions. 

To Jusrob10, you asked how I'm finding myself. I guess the simple answer is; to be true to me. It means taking care of my health, relationships and life. It means owning up to my greatness as well as my deficits, and most of all...understanding that love = respect, earned trust and the right to make informed decisions everyday of my life. I have choice!!! Even if I'm wrong.

I was in a relationship where I was subtly abused and used and conned into believing I was loved and admired and everything that went wrong was all my fault. This went on for over 2 yrs until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally sat myself down and asked me if I was happy and if this person contributed in a positive way to me, our union and future together. The answer was "No" The hardest thing to face was admitting it was me who stayed knowing I was being abused. Yes, it was the grooming and training I'd received growing up. But I am responsible for me none the less. I chose to stay. The cycle of abuse 101. 

To find me, I had to stop looking into the souls of others. I know myself more intimately than anyone else in the world. I just had to learn to respect myself and to make ethical choices that were in my best interest without purposely hurting others. That doesn't mean others can't feel insulted or hurt either. It just means that if I make a decision and someone hates me for it, that's their problem. I can always be approached to discuss their concerns. I can't be accountable for all and sundry. That's got to stop.

The opposite to love isn't hate; it's fear. It is the demon inside that reeks havoc on our lives. "If I say no will he still love me?" Try asking "How can I respect myself if I say yes?"

When I first began this strand, I spoke of me as a little girl enamoured by my own existence; self centred and dancing around to the beat of my beautiful heart. Who I was then is still inside me, only more cautious, knowledgeable and protective. Your issues above speak of loneliness, sexuality, grief, and mental health. I've lived all these things and more but I'm learning from me now instead of 'them'

I've given myself 'permission' to be me, to speak for me and support me. Courage is a rare spice indeed, but we require this to not only survive, but to 'live' instead of just existing. 

Respect...Dizzy xx

Dear Dizzy,

I have read through your entire thread here. And I find this topic very deep. To be truthful, I don't think I know me either, I know how I feel, but that is not the same thing is it? ?? Because feelings and emotions can change, so it cannot really define who I actually am. Well I think that is right?? Also being a wife, mother, daughter does not say who I am either.

And I often feel like I only exist, but not live. Just like you said in your last sentence, in your last post. In fact I think I feel this majority of the time. Like I am existing in a dream, and not really living. I am hoping I make sense.

Someone said, I believe it was Paul replying in your thread said this :

"I think that while you learn "you" by listening to your self talk, the loneliness will reduce because as you start to understand yourself, you accept yourself and like yourself more which reduces loneliness. "

I have felt loneliness for a very long time, I think it has always been there, and I long not to feel this anymore. I am wondering now though if I did know me, then as Paul said the loneliness will reduce. 

I do hope I am not rambling on too much, sorry, if I am. It is just I want me to be free, whoever me is....

Anyway Dizzy this important topic is thought provoking.

Thank you so much to the little girl who had courage to dance right out of her heart.

Shelley anne xxx

It's lovely to hear from you Shelly Anne. Your story, although very personal, has snippets of each of us in it. I've been where you are and still have days of horrible loneliness. But as things improve, those days are less.

The little girl I once was, isn't 'her'. It's still me. I asked myself what was inside my heart and 'I' answered. The 'you' you defined as being mother, wife and daughter are roles. Why you do things is about you, even if it's about avoiding conflict. It's still your decision. I'm changing how I make decisions and why. It's about what's in my best interest now.

I struggle sometimes to address a project that has financial and legal ramifications because it challenges the very core of my PTSD issues. I started out ignoring my office, but eventually stepped in and sorted some papers. It wasn't easy and didn't last long before anxiety set in. But each week I progress because I want the people that hurt me to be accountable. I need to be an adult instead of childlike to achieve what I deserve. I give this to myself. 

I do the same with housework and re-organizing my bedroom, kitchen and living spaces. I'm building a deck, carport and garage out back because that's what I want. 

Being myself challenges others to accept things about me that makes them uncomfortable. Like earning more money or having things others don't have. It takes courage and staying power and sometimes causes conflict. I had to change my communication with others and with myself. The words I use are different, my routine is different, my focus is different. I'm learning to walk away and think things over before I speak instead of just reacting with emotion. This is a trial and error exercise; I learn from my mistakes as well as success' and endeavour to move forward. And; I'm kind and realistic with myself.

All these things 'I' decided on. It was so hard saying "No!" for the first time to my mother; frightening actually. But I did it and kept saying it over and over until she stopped trying to lamb-baste me. It wasn't about winning for me so arguing wasn't necessary. That's why it took so long for her to 'get it'. I'm a grown up and have the right to say "No" if I choose to. We get on so much better now.

I love the new me evolving. I use less med's and have hit on some great insights that give me hope. My psychologist is wonderful and I deserve her.

We're all a work in progress. Live well because you want to; baby steps!

Respect...Dizzy xx

Hey Dizzy,

Happy new year - I hope this year is filled with love, health and laughter for you.

I read your last post and hear you about having a bit of a rough time at the moment. I can only imagine what it would be like to have your son threatened by someone and then hold back the emotions until you can do something through the right channels.

Big hugs - please know things will feel better soon.

I also write this for myself as I was only just boasting the other day on facebook about 11 weeks without depression being a 20 year record. Well 2 days after boasting and I've hit a pothole. Just a small one, nothing major, but it's still crap.

So keep holding on and I will too. 

Paul xxoo

Hi Paul/Scotchfinger; Happy New Year to you both. Thanks for the complement SF. How do people find their aliases? Yours is so cryptic; out of the box.

Paul, I think you've replied to a post I did on a different thread. I'll have a look-see at it too. I'm sorry you had a relapse of sorts. I hope it wasn't too bad. Xmas is a time of reflection and not always a good one. I see you've swapped your photo for a kitty. Was this an effort to make a subtle change maybe? By the way, potholes happen; being on the path is the important thing eh? I wish you happiness and laughter too. You give so much of your time to others on this site. You've helped me enormously over the past couple of months and I'm very grateful my friend. I hope it's ok to call you that.

I had a lovely Xmas Day and New Years Eve. I was social which isn't what I thought I'd be. I made an effort to invite neighbours over to christen the new deck out back and had a few drinks ta boot. Paid for it, but it was worth it! LOL

My new med's have kicked in a treat! I didn't have high hopes as the first week was fraught with odd emotions and feelings. But I persevered and yesterday was the first day out of bed without head spins and vibrating body. I feel like a bit of the old confident me is returning and it's great as all the new rules for myself I'm learning are easier to implement. Actually, yesterday I felt the most lovely feelings of respite I've felt in over 18 months.

Finding myself has been hard work. The courage to face my demons and create a new set of rules (and stick to them) is paying off. I'm so proud.

My heart is full and here's to all of you. Love Dizzy xx

Hey Dizzy, mwah!

Calling me "friend" is completely fine :)

I'm feeling a bit better now almost back to normal.

I changed my pic because I was chatting on the "thread killer" forum about my cat, Miss Maggie and a few people were talking about her. I put her "meerkat" pic up. She's quite a little lady. In the pic she's on my balcony standing up on the sliding door just having a look in. I'm pretty sure she does this with my neighbours as well. They love her visiting.

Hugs

Paul

I started this thread because the person I thought I was, isn't me anymore. Transitioning from my old self to a newer version has been fraught with reliving trauma and fighting off outdated thinking and beliefs. The challenge this presents has had many ups and downs, most recently a major down.

Today I feel better than I have in the past few days after suffering a relapse of sorts. On the positive it didn't last as long as previous times, and on the negative, it's opened up some nasty memories better off left in the past.

The Xmas and New Period gave me some time out. I didn't attend to any of last years 'must do' projects and it was a nice respite. But reality has come crashing down and addressing my paperwork is on the cards for this week.

Being a victim of sexual violence and manipulation I realise now has had dire consequences to my mental health in ways I didn't understand. (Thank you Paul for your insight) The damage run deeper than anticipated, meaning I still need to deal with this insidious issue before I can find me under all the pain and self blame.

I used to know who I wanted to be, but it seems this was just another way of avoiding the past. The focus is still on running 'from' something instead of running 'to' something.

My psychologist suggested I return to study, but do it just for me. This feels foreign and selfish. I want so much to write and a thesis would give me more than enough to satisfy my yearning. However I've never studied before without work/promotion being my rationale.

I'm thinking; finding me might just be the problem! I maybe need to concentrate on creating me instead. When I use the term 'find', it suggests something that already exists. 'Creating' on the other hand denotes a 'new' way of being.

Food for thought.

Cheers...Dizzy

Hey Dizzy

Hugs

Jumping straight to the last thing you typed... Finding you or creating you... I think that we find our true selves by creating new patterns that break apart and replace the old negative patterns that hold us back and keep us in fear.

Paul xx

Hugs to you too Paul xo

Been living life and self assessing; creating and discovering me, my patterns and sighs of relief.

It's been painful though insightful and ending in a peaceful resolution. Baby steps have paid off with support from people such as yourself.

Having a quiet day with housework; learning to enjoy the normality of each moment. I'm so proud of my achievements; I've come a long way.

Dizzy xo

Today started out in panic, soared to heady height's from a new connection with someone I care about, then declined into a place of self loathing. I came across this thread I created with my very first post 12 months ago. It describes my need to find 'me'.

Near the end of the thread, I replaced 'find' with 'create'. To do this, I've been identifying old thinking, beliefs and behaviour, and replacing them with new ways. However, my reactive mind and chronic PTSD, interfered with the process today, causing me to slip backwards.

In my first post above, I wrote of me as a little girl dancing around my yard at dawn free and happy. (Dancing my way out of my own heart) I realise now, today's internal conflict came from this little girl; fearing punishment, rejection, loss and abandonment after doing something regrettable.

In our recovery, healing the present sometimes means finding the core of our pain in the past. I felt my little girls deeply damaged heart within me today; a reaction from doing something regrettable. Reactions to trauma comes in many guises; PTSD is one of them. To think this was how I tortured myself as a small child is very, very sad.

Growing from a little girl into adulthood, I spent most of my days in fear; exploring who/what I wanted to be was put on the back-burner, or only spoken of while taking part in a conversation about someone else's dreams; I always seemed to be on the cheering squad.

Forming new relationships is a process I'm presently stepping slowly back into. Over the past few weeks, my levels of anxiety etc have risen extensively causing panic and very unpleasant feelings/emotions. I'm finally acknowledging my little girl; her pain as well as her beauty. How I treat myself at this time, has to reflect an empathy deserving of her/my right to learn from mistakes without self loathing, punishment and fear.

I'm creating a new 'me'.

Dizzy xoxo

Hi Dizzy,

Wow, I only just discovered this thread.

I'm a little speechless to be honest. The posts here have a very moving and powerful effect.

I have nothing particularly helpful or insightful to add. But I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts, and that I wish you all the best at creating the new Dizzy 😊

Dottie x