Today started out in panic, soared to heady height's from a new connection with someone I care about, then declined into a place of self loathing. I came across this thread I created with my very first post 12 months ago. It describes my need to find 'me'.
Near the end of the thread, I replaced 'find' with 'create'. To do this, I've been identifying old thinking, beliefs and behaviour, and replacing them with new ways. However, my reactive mind and chronic PTSD, interfered with the process today, causing me to slip backwards.
In my first post above, I wrote of me as a little girl dancing around my yard at dawn free and happy. (Dancing my way out of my own heart) I realise now, today's internal conflict came from this little girl; fearing punishment, rejection, loss and abandonment after doing something regrettable.
In our recovery, healing the present sometimes means finding the core of our pain in the past. I felt my little girls deeply damaged heart within me today; a reaction from doing something regrettable. Reactions to trauma comes in many guises; PTSD is one of them. To think this was how I tortured myself as a small child is very, very sad.
Growing from a little girl into adulthood, I spent most of my days in fear; exploring who/what I wanted to be was put on the back-burner, or only spoken of while taking part in a conversation about someone else's dreams; I always seemed to be on the cheering squad.
Forming new relationships is a process I'm presently stepping slowly back into. Over the past few weeks, my levels of anxiety etc have risen extensively causing panic and very unpleasant feelings/emotions. I'm finally acknowledging my little girl; her pain as well as her beauty. How I treat myself at this time, has to reflect an empathy deserving of her/my right to learn from mistakes without self loathing, punishment and fear.
I'm creating a new 'me'.