Gawd blimey my phone typing is bad lately...it's like I'm typing with elephant legs...

(I hope that visual put a smile on your face Emmy - you deserve to smile!)

Hey Em,

i love essential oils lol. They really calm me down, hope they do the same for you xx

its okay to take some time for yourself. You can't be helping people all the time, if it was possible I would, but it's not, so please relax and know that this is your time to post for you. It's your time to be helped. And we are here 😊

The doctor is helping you. I agree it would be hard going by yourself, but just remember that the doctor is there to help you. I would be there for you if I could. Will be thinking of you at 11:45 ❤️

Sending you strength and love and support.

Chloe x

Hello Emmy,

Good luck today at the Drs,

Please Emmy don't put yourself down, youvare no way at all selfish, your a kind, caring, compassionate and lovely person, who like us all are struggling, When I am in a BP downer my posts are very scarce, but I still care for others here, we all understand and we all need time out when we are struggling..

Deep breathes before you leave your house, and please if you give yourself time to drive safely, if you need to cry or regtound yourself do so, but pull over first...Have a safe trip, and always be kind and compassionate to yourself, you are important to us all.

Kind thoughts and a hug, 🤗, holding your hand today..

Grandy

Hi Emmy

i hope todays Gp appr went well for you xox

Is anyone else concerned about how Emmy went today. It's 6pm (SA time) and she hasn't posted.

Hopefully she's relaxing with hubby and puppy and is feeling great enough to not post :)

I'm probably WAY over reacting because I was at the dentist earlier and know what these types of appointments can do to the nerves.

Hi Chloe. Thanks for your message. What you said re the doctor is so true - they’re there to help me. I kept telling myself that on the drive down (doctor is one hour away). Kept saying “I want to be better. And my doctor wants me better”. For so long I’ve buried my head in the sand when it comes to my health so the fact I went I’m feeling a little proud of myself (may feel arrogant but oh well lol). I think that perhaps me going is me thinking that I’m worth getting better. So perhaps in a way is a little bit of self love. Perhaps a weird way to think about it.

Yeah I use essential oils a lot to calm me too (especially love taking time away with me when I’m out of my comfort zone). Also like using oils like orange when I need a bit of an energy boost!!

Thanks again for a kind message and saying you’d go with me if you could ❤️ Big hugs x

I'm so glad you rested after being so upset. Long sleeps are wonderful for the soul when their needed.

I'm the queen of overthinking, don't mind me

Thanks for all your messages Grandy. I actually really felt everyone’s support today. And even though I had a panic attack in the waiting room (embarrassing) at least I went and got my health issues looked at. I was really open with my doctor re mental health also - normally probably tell him as little as possible. Always think I’m going to get in trouble when I see him (told him that too lol). Told me what I kept reassuring myself of on the drive down. “I want to be better. And he wants me better”. And he agreed with that. He’s seen me since I was 8. I use to babysit his kids. My Mum worked with him. He comforted me at my Mums funeral. So he’s almost more than a doctor. He said he just wants the best for me. Told him about the attack in the waiting room. I was fine on the drive down so that was good. Put on some nice music. And afterwards I met one of my sisters for lunch to debrief. So was nice having her support too. Was super tired when I got home though, all the emotions plus 2 hrs of driving. But now I’ve rested I feel good. Proud of myself that I went. And to give myself a praise is a big deal I think for me. Was going to stop off and buy myself some sunflowers I saw for sale on the side of the road as a little gift to myself but just laughed and kept driving. “Don’t go overboard in the praise to yourself Emmy”. Lol. Thanks for holding my hand today. ❤️

Hi SN. Outcome of appointment was what I imagined it was going to be... not great, but at least I’m working on me being healthy. That’s got to be the main thing right. Thanks so much for checking how it went. Xx

Emmy,

When you are bored you can come over to my thread and read about my appointment today. As a recent convert (very broadly speaking) to the world of anti-depressants, my new motto is to take each day one day at a time. Some days are good, others not so. Most importantly I trust my professionals, that is my GP, psychologist and next week, introducing a psychiatrist to look after me.

One day at a time.

Smallwolf.

Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply Mandy. Suddenly started freaking out about the doctors last night.

With the restaurant I only do the accounts. I find being in the restaurant a little too much for me since anxiety came along. Lol. It’s funny how much confidence you lose isn’t it. I use to be a strata manager and manage over 100 building. I use to come home and going into the restaurant and help out (on phones and cash register). Now I don’t do anything. It’s a bit soul crushing isn’t it. The before and the after.

Terriers are lovely dogs. I wanted to get a west highland white terrier once but we had indoor rabbits so that wouldn’t of worked hehe. My dogs breed is Havanese (type of Bichon). I won’t be offended if you say you don’t know that breed lol - most people don’t ;) I should of realised Charli was a girl cause of the spelling. Silly me.

Sorry to hear you’ve lost important people in your life :( it’s hard losing anyone but when they’re young - that’s just not fair. Do you talk with your psychologist about them.

Thanks for saying I’m not broken. One thing I’ve considered it that perhaps because I’ve found the love of my life I can be broken. Finally with someone that I can be my true self. And he’s so supportive with helping me piece myself back together.

How have you been hun? Will come check out your thread tonight. Xx

Hi Emmy.

Im sorry to intrude. Your title drew me in. Inspiring.

I just wanted to say I can relate to some of your story. I have yet to have children and possily never will. Im not sure how you feel about children but its wrecked my life not being a mum.

I know what you mean about depression vs laziness. I actually posted about it today on someones thread. Cant remember where. Everything is such and effort. Im the same with the shower. If i have one (im a stage where i just dont have the will to leave my room) i do the basic necessities. Cleanser and moisturiser hasnt been touched in months even though i look at it and its right infront of mt face. If i do cleaning i go straight back to bed because im exhausted in all aspects. Sorry over share.

Im also greatful to have a wee dog who is my life. I dont know where i would be without her. She is a Maltese Shihtzu. Knows all my moods. Never leaves my sides.

Better go can hear hubby coming.

Have a good night

💙Sapphire

Hi Emmy. Not a problem at all about not replying sooner. I read your posts this morning and was fully aware that you had a big day ahead of you with your GP appointment. I really did understand because I had an apt with my psych today as well. One which has been put off twice before due to my husbands hospitalisation and being away from home. My psych has been supervising me since my own hospitalisation a couple of months ago now. She monitors me pretty closely since then, and even though I havent seen her the last few weeks, she keeps in contact with me.

Yes, you're right ... I had not previously heard of a Havanese breed of dog. However I googled it and can see that they look to be a lovely little dog somewhere between 5 and 8kgs. Affectionate, companionable, gentle, intelligent, playful and responsive in temperament. He sounds gorgeous. And very interesting that they are the National dog of Cuba.

Yes the young people I have lost was a pre-teen close relative and a 23 yo boyfriend when I was 20. Both to car accidents. Shock and heartache which you just never forget.

You are so lucky Emmy to have found such a loving and supportive partner. It makes a huge difference. And yes, to feel secure enough to just be yourself certainly indicates true love. Between you, you'll become whole again.

How am I? I've been holding things together now for a month, and now that some of the pressure is finally off, I seem to be falling apart. Physically and mentally. But enough about me, this is your thread.

I am so pleased to hear that you were very open and upfront with your GP regarding your mental health status. I think its important, though very hard to do obviously. In some ways its probably made more difficult because it sounds like your GP is almost a family friend, as opposed to merely your GP. But its great that you were so honest with him and I'm sure it will pay dividends that he is fully aware of all issues, and not just your physical health. Everything is closely entwined, physical and mental health, and both equally as important. So well done.

Mandy

Hi Sapphire. You’re most welcome here. Not intruding at all.

I use to always want 4 kids when I was younger. Then the realities of life gets in the way. I think I thought I’d be sadder but I just don’t think I’d be a fit Mum due to my MI. The main thing is I feel I’ve let my husband down. Have you not had children due to your MI also, or other reasons. I’m not sure of your age but there may still be time.

Its hard when the little things in life becomes so hard isn’t it. Does your husband support you? I don’t know how to get the energy or interest back. Wish I knew the secret.

Aaww dogs are the best aren’t they. I’d be lost without my little guy. Do you have a thread of your own? I’ll come and say hi.

Thanks for your message. X

Hi Emmy.

I turn 33 this year. I have infertility caused by a couple of physical health problems. I always wanted 2-3 children. It has made me into a bitter woman tbh. Always thought i was meant to be a mum. I've even tried for adoption and that fell through. I was only diagnosed last year with depression and anxiety so MI hasnt been a factor up til now. Atm im glad i dont have kids but on the other hand maybe if i did i wouldnt be like this.

Hubby is supporting most of the time. He doesnt understand why i stay in the bedroom all day. I dont think he understands much of any of it.

Sapphire

Sorry to hear of your infertility Sapphire. Would you try again with adoption? I imagine the process must be quite involved though. Have you considered fostering at all? I have a friend who’s fostered two brothers and she is a permanent foster carer and it’s gone through the courts and she will have them until they’re 18 (so essentially adopting them). Just a thought. I can understand that you feel you’ve become bitter as a result of not being able to have children. Life can be so unfair hey. I just wish I knew why.

It’s hard for our partners to grasp the level of despair we feel. One thing that I found helped was on Pinterest (not sure if you’ve heard of it) there’s articles where people have written letters to their husbands explaining the turmoil they’re experiencing. I sent some of the articles to my husband - as I find it hard to articulate sometimes how I’m feeling (and also I think reading something can make it sink in more). He found they helped him. And he saved them in his phone and often goes back to read them if I’m struggling to again get a better insight.

Here for you Sapphire. Xx

Thought... my psychiatrist, at a recent session, asked me “do you actually want to get better” and it’s something that’s stuck with me since I saw him and then today reading through someone’s thread I saw it get asked on there.

It’s a strange question isn’t it, of course you say “yes” cause you know that’s the right answer and it is really what you want. But at the same time because I hate myself I also feel I don’t deserve to be better. So if I hate myself I shouldn’t want to get better right?? That’s where self-sabotage comes in I suppose. And my self-harm behaviours. A way to punish my body for all that I’ve done wrong and for being all certain people once wanted. I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this, it’s just a thought. I wanted to write it down. Sorry.

A reply to your thought...

Yes we want to get better. But a story to illustrate the opposite...

I was walking last year and at one point in the journey I had a moment of happiness. The feeling was foreign. It wasn't mine. Later on I returned to my "normal" self.

We are so used to get way we are or were that anything different seems wrong. So not necessarily because you hate yourself, but can be, rather because it feels "comfy" and you know the feeling?

Well, that was how I explained it to my psych.

you have 2 pairs of shoes. One is old and comfortable. The other pair is brand new. The new pair are stiff and gives you blisters when you wear them. The old pair do not.

The feeling associated with depression is like old pair of shoes. Happiness is with the new pair of shoes. You want to wear the new pair of shoes but they don't feel right. So you switch back to the old shoes because they feel right.

It might be self sabotage. To become happy then need to put up with the odd, stiff feeling of the new shoes. Eventually they become comfortable but...

If I am so used to the empty feeling, that becomes my normal feeling. And happiness is abnormal.

Hope that makes more sense.

That’s makes sense Smallwolf. Great analogy!

So I need to step out of my comfort zone to get better. I think what stops me the most from taking that step in the right direction is the constant thought that I don’t deserve to be better. This is my punishment for things that happened to me.

Does any of what I’m saying make sense lol. Gosh I think my heads in a jumble tonight. (Every night ... all the time... if I’m being honest).

Emmy, I can totally relate to your brain fog...I get it a lot.

Smallwolf, thank you for understanding Emmy's brain fog and elaborating (I love that there's no belittling or anything here on BB, like I used to get from family!). I totally get what you're saying, hopefully Emmy does too :)

you said that you don't deserve to get better?

Let's compare a MI with a broken leg. Iff you had a broken leg, you would think that you was want that to get better. You could say that you deserve it - that your leg gets better. You wouldn't say... I don't deserve my leg getting better.

The obvious difference is what our minds tell us. The happiness trap book talks about our thinking self and observing self. Our thinking self tells us the negative thoughts. And need to recognise that is what they are. Just thoughts. The same book lists methods of combatting these thoughts. Such as saying thank you to you mind. Or saying the negative thought in a funny voice. Some work for me. Others do not. It becomes a case of working out what works for me or you.

Overcome the negative thoughts and might have a chance of reaching that happy place.

Smallwolf those analogies were very interesting thank you, I've marked them both has helpful, as they've helped me understand depression a bit more.

Hope you all have a good day :)

Chloe 😄

HI Emmy xox

just popping in to see how your going?