Well today started off okay. But then fell into decline.

Idk. I'm just feeling really lonely and anxious today. I feel like that kid on the playground who no one cares about. I had this experience at the start of year 5. It feels like ever since i changed schools in primary.. that it was inevitable this was all going to happen.

Right now the whole thing seems like its too big to handle. Its making me so emotionally exhausted and then it just snowballs. I feel like it must be bad if i have to seek help from these forums whenever i feel bad and depressed. I dont mean that in an offensive way either.

There have been instances in the past week where i have simply felt like breaking down. It feels like i should be happier. That i should be better socialised. That i should be working. That i should be doing all these things. If i only i had these things i wouldnt feel so bad.

Im regretting my uni course and im regretting ever trying to get help. I think sometimes if i just sucked it up and got on with life would've developed.

Friends have abandoned me and my closest friends are moving on with life. Now im just on my own again. Feels like ive wasted 4 years where i couldve pursued my career. Instead of that.. i will be forever caught in in this depression and anxiety. I can really only remember negative things about myself. I hated how skinny i was, i hated how i was always worried about religion, i hated how i was never good at music, i hated how i couldnt study because i always had bad classes. Feels like my childhood will now just dictate who i will be i life. No questions asked. Cant change it now.

Its just too overwhelming to make any changes. Nothing works. I honestly think is what makes me depressed. All these missed opportunities for a good life.

The relationships thing still bugs me heaps. I know i keep going on about it but im just sick of it. Being a 23 year old guy in my position sucks. There's no negotiating that. What's worse is that I shouldn't be. I can socialise but i always second guess EVERY thing that happens. I might look okay.. (but if im a boring person which i think i am tbh) it counts for nothing.

Anyway i need to sleep now. Too exhausted.

Hi HamSolo01,

I will write more soon I'm sorry. I'm in a weird place right now. But am thinking of you.

Sleep is a good idea. I find sometimes it helps when I am low or lost just to rest and try again in the morning.

You have made a lot of progress and changes lately so it's not a surprise that you've hit a bad day. I find some days (like today) I want to feel better now, implement changes and have immediate effects. No patience for my life as it is. I want to change now! To live now! I feel like I've been waiting all my life and waiting and waiting. And my mood plummets because I feel like a failure.

Sound familiar?

Those days I get overwhelmed that I've achieved nothing, have no life, am boring and worthless. I feel angry at my past. Wasted years believing abuse was all I deserved. Doing a degree I don't care about because I am determined to blend into the wall and be nothing. Achieve nothing. But in the morning I will review these thoughts and I'll realise the moment of distress has passed and I'm ok.

You have achieved. You have people who care for you. You're recognising in yourself that you need rest and to recharge ready to keep making thise steps forward. When is your psych appmt? Time to make one soon and get back on track. It will be ok HamSolo01 just hold on through the crap moments and keep trying and trying again.

You're not boring. But you do sound bored. Sometimes I get like I am now because I know in myself I am stagnant and bored. I need to shake things up and examine what the factors are in my life that are causing me grief. For example my default is peacemaker/carer. So if I'm not careful I let people walk all over me. And then get pissy and resentful. Not their fault because I am allowing it. So time to look at my needs and make some changes to fill my needs and get rid of the routines that are harmful.

Also don't apologise for repeating anything. Issues repeat because the hurt is there. And there's no point avoiding the topic just to appease others. This is your thread. Plus we know you are trying to feel better and you have made progress. You will meet someone HamSolo01 it just sucks on those days where you're done with being patient. I do understand that.

Take care and hope you feel able to start again after some rest.

Hi HamSolo01,

Hope today is a better day for you. I wrote a post which is mod still so will wait and see if it gets through. Hope so I kinda wanted to reread it my brain was a mess haha.

Take care of yourself ok and try be gentle to yourself too. You're being hard on yourself again. Little steps all around today. We'll get there 😊

Hi Ham,

You have one crucial thing going for you: you seem to love Star Wars. I know it sounds weird but over the last couple of years waiting for those movies has given me something to look forward to. Maybe that can be something for you to look forward to as well.

Finding someone can be hard. I don't really know how it works nowadays but I met my wife in a chat room many years ago. I had had a bad run of internet inspired dates and was ready to throw my hands up in the air and give up. Don't stress too much about the 23 year old virgin thing - I was in a similar position (plus a few years) and eventually in the end it doesn't matter (easy to say from hindsight I know).

I agree with your thoughts about lists. Other than s change in meds the thing that has helped me is to get myself a really solid routine. In the morning I have a few cups of tea and check all my favourite web pages. Then I get out and do the errands. I don't do a weekly shop so that I can go to the shops each day and get the food for dinner. When I get home I get on the treadmill and listen to podcasts for an hour while I get a real sweat up. After that I shower then read for a while. I find my anxiety goes up when the family comes home from work and school so that's when I do the dinner preparation. Then after dinner I watch a movie - I'm trying to work my way through the top 100 films a published by the Hollywood Reporter.

I guess it's a pretty insane and tight routine but it's really helped me.

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry that you have hit a bad patch... I feel this is anxiety just running riot on you, constantly overthinking everything and always having the What If's in the back of your mind. Believe me, I know because I have been there. When I read your last post I couldn't help but connect with it, because it all seems familiar with my life. I experienced the same things through school, I always struggled to make friends, I was always the odd one out and weirdly enough, I left primary school in year 5 and went to a new one where I just didn't fit in at all and it sort of spiralled there, I seriously have pondered if my life would of been different had I never changed schools in year 5. You can see why I connect with your posts. I have been there mate but I am telling you, it gets better and it will get better. Difference is, I never seeked helped for my mental health until I was older, if I had seeked out the help like you are doing at 23, things quite possibly would of been different for my mental health these days, maybe not, who knows but I never tackled my anxiety from when it started.

I like the fact you are looking at doing more tutoring, it is your strength so use it to your advantage.

On your point about using the forums when you are upset and what not, this is exactly what they are here for, you are doing the right thing by venting here, having a outlet is key.

How has your weekend been? What's on for the week ahead?

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

Just popping by to check you're ok?

Hope to hear the clouds have lifted even a little for you today. If not just keep taking those steps forward.

Can't help but hope you're quiet because your out and busy with friends or on a date 😊.

hey

past couple of days have been rough

struggled to eat and stay awake..

ive gone from a big eater to a small eater.. its worrying me tbh.. just adds to the anxiety..

Uni is finishing soon so that may help..

I'm just sick of the facade i keep putting on

Day in day out there is a feeling of inadequacy and depression that i will be on the scrapheap of society.. all that wasted potential. I know its crap but its the raw feeling im talking about. I dont give away much of an emotional streak i dont think but i do closely associate with emotions.

I believe i have high expectations of myself in both positive and negative senses.. i guess its just a case of striving for the positives and refraining from the negatives..

Its weird how we do that hey? place high expectations on things. I need to shave some of that off.

Anyways, i could only wish i was out with friends on the weekend. Or that i was on a date. Guess im not cut out for either.

See ya round

im now at hospital (again).Im just sick of it all. So much fakery. Its literally the only place im good for. I could write an entire list of stuff but hey... im at hospital so thats a sign enough isnt it?I will say that im done with my family. Sick of living at home. I wanna move out and do my own thing. I cant. Hospital is good enough. Except for the food.I hate the fact my parents sent me to a religious school. Done too much damage. Hate it. No one cares for me. Sick of being condescended and im sick of crap.I wanna start over and i cant.Anyway.

Hey I just saw your post in the friends cafe.

It's good to hear you are in safe hands but I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling.

I know it feels like nobody cares and that's really painful. I just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of you and hope you can get a little bit of peace while you're there.

And yeah. The food is pretty rubbish.

Take a rest/break/time out. You've been trying really hard recently to change your mindset and it's been very tiring. Remember, this isn't a step backwards - this is rest.

James

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm sorry to hear you're in hospital but glad that you're safe.

One thing that worries me a lot is how you said you're done with your family. Why? From what you'd said they were supportive. Helpful. Trying to help. Yes they sent you to the school but I'm not sure why that makes you so angry. I don't think I know enough of the story to understand but that is none of my business seeing as you don't go into it.

I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong) that your family aren't religious but sent you to a school they felt would be good for you. In this school you were forcedfed religion in a way that sounds frightening and threatening.Did they make you stay at the school? Did they know the pain and confusion you were experiencing?

What happened at the school if I can ask. As always ignore me if you don't want to talk about it. Maybe you need to talk in depth about this with your psychiatrist. It really seems to be a painful subject for you but also one you haven't been very clear about.

Please don't give up on your family and friends. I'm sure they love you just maybe don't know how to help or what to say.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to vent and write if it helps you. Thinking of you HamSolo01.

still waiting... goodness sakes... they dont give a crap...

Didnt go in

Took way too long at the reception.... others going in before me...

My dad rocked up though so i got a lift back.

Probs going to ring the services team tomoz though

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read you are in a really bad spot right now. I thought from your other post that you were in hospital, not waiting to go in. The waiting line can take ages.

I just want to say, you can get through this... go back and read some of your posts from a few weeks ago, you have times where you go down and then come back up and are so positive and fight everything head on, I find reading those posts shows you can get back to that mindset.

We are here for you and care about your well being.

My best,

Jay

hey jay

thanks again man

This morning i feel a bit better. But still pretty low. I'm just so over putting on a facade. I'm done with fake it til you make it. I'm just losing interest in things.

I've begun to notice that i feel inadequate by default now. It's hard to counteract. I have to admit i still feel like a loser and a failure. Whether or not its true is besides the point... because its a deepseated emotion thats seemingly going nowhere.

I wanted to talk to a psych about this whole relationships/sex thing that keeps coming back. I feel like that is forming the basis of a lot of it. I just don't know how to change that. When you approach life from the perspective of a loser then you begin to be convinced that you are. I'm as sure as the sky is blue that i am one. I look at my facebook photos and just see a loser. Im not saying i AM im just saying i see one. I think this is what people see. Its almost like its so clear to me. I just see this dopey looking loser.

I've spoken about how people look at me yeah? well i think that when they do they must be able to see it.

I feel like friends dont care either and will soon start leaving as well...

whats even more annoying is that i witnessed a domestic the other day.. he had no right to yell at his gf in public.. then im here just some loser who hasnt got a gf. I dont think i can stress the importance of this in mainstream society... it makes you or breaks you.

anyway i need to study today

No point trying to get help. Its all the same.

Hey,

It breaks my heart that you're in a world of hurt. I can't offer much but support and as much love as I can give. I wish I could do more for you.

Did you say in the Friends Cafe that you were looking for a male psych to discuss the relationship and sex situation you're struggling with? I think that'd be a good idea; females just don't get male needs and wants sometimes, you know? So maybe talking to a guy might be more beneficial for you, but it is still good to get a perspective from the opposite sex.

Being a young person and having no relationship and seeing everyone in a relationship, having sex (not seeing but you get what I mean I hope), flirting, going out, public displays of affection, your friends having someone they're talking to or getting along with...it's hard. And being the loving person you are and just wanting to be loved and love, seeing a girl being mistreated in public...of course it would anger you. There's sweet and genuine guys just like yourself who get completely ignored. It's awful that's the case.

You deserve love, and it will come. As I said, you're a pretty cool guy, you're interesting, you have a unique perspective on life, your metaphors are crazy, you're intelligent and so sweet to everyone you've helped on here. You're incredible, okay? I don't think you're a loser, and if I saw you, I don't think I would either. I think I'd see a really strong and resilient guy who's hurting but still fighting. Someone I want to know. Someone who has heaps of stories, both good and bad, and a guy who has a lot to offer to the world.

I don't know what it's like to be a 23 year old guy, or a guy at all, I don't know what it's like to have anxiety and depression and miss out on opportunities. I don't know that, and I'm not going to pretend I do. I do know what it's like to be single, have all your friends leave or believe they will, to not love anything anymore, to feel worthless, to feeling like you will never get a relationship...I know how that feels and it's horrible. And hey, it's normal to want sex. I get what you mean when you talk about relationships, just maybe in a different way seeing as I'm eight years younger than you and a female, aha.

You're valid. A girl will come along and steal your heart away.

And that girl will love you just as much, and your pain will ease.

You're strong, Mitch.

I'm here for you, okay?

*cuddles*

- Em

Hey mitch,

awareness is a real double edged sword and you're in a lot of pain right now.

I wanted to remind you of something you said on the previous page:

"Psych was okay today. I do feel like ive made progress, its just at times i feel like im leading myself on. I dunno i guess.. just depression and anxiety in a nutshell i guess right?"

Now, I know it's not a super happy quote, but you made some really good observations there.

First- one of the hardest things about recovery from depression is that you feel like you're leading yourself on. That things will be crap anyway, so why bother right? may as well just stop trying and drop the act.

Second- this is just depression trying to basically save itself and stop your recovery. It is not true, even if it feels true and painful.

We can see that you're vulnerable and upset and exhausted and in a lot of pain. But that other thing you said - "I do feel like ive made progress" - is so very true. You've made a lot of progress.

So lets go back to that very first thing - "psych was okay today" - this is something you feel like has helped, and you want it to help you with the relationships and sex thing. This is good. You are trying hard to get help and support, and recognising that you do deserve it.

And the best thing is that in that little quote from Friday, you showed that awareness of what was happening. It's just very tiring to keep it all going and sometimes all we want is just to lie down and stop.

That is okay. We're here to help pull you back up again.

Hey HamSolo01,

You sound miserable even though you said today you feel a bit better. A lot of what you wrote in your last post hits home. I wrote almost the identical words a few days ago. That I'm just waiting for the inevitable that my husband and family and friends will leave me.

Another member said to me that I don't see myself as others see me. He was right. The same goes for you HamSolo01. When you look at yourself and your qualities and what you have to offer another it's through the eyes of depression and anxiety and low self esteem and low self worth. But that's not what others see.

Maybe today when you are feeling so down ask someone who loves you for an honest opinion. Tell them you can't see any good in yourself and you want to know what they love about you. Then write it down and pin it up. As a constant reminder. If someone gives you a heartfelt compliment... Add to the list. And keep looking at it when you feel crap about yourself.

The good things are there HamSolo01 you just can't see them right now. So talk to someone you can trust and ask. It does help.

As to the relationships.. it's connected to how you feel about yourself I think. You sabotage yourself... By not trying.

Please put yourself out there and try meet new people. If you keep to yourself and keep the same routine how are you going to meet someone? It doesn't matter how you go about it online, hobbies, classes or work but someone new isn't going come to you. You have to try.

You don't have to love or even like yourself. Just trust that others will. The list above from people you value reminds you of that. Confidence is appealing but not everyone is confident. I'm not. But putting yourself down and belittling yourself is a turn off for the right sort of people. You'll either attract someone who wants a mother (been there) or someone who sees vulnerability and will hurt you (been there too).

I've learnt the hard way to accept there are things that are important to me in a partner and not to compromise on those things. The funny thing is that others see that as confidence and admire it. Hubby told me once the thing that drew him to me online was that I was bluntly honest about what I wanted on the profile. Put myself out there in a way I saw as utterly bitchy because I was scared to try. But he saw it as someone who knew what she wanted, demanded respect and offered the same in return and funnily enough he wanted the same things.

What do you think?

hey all, thanks for your helpful insights

I've rung the acute care team and they are gonna be contacting me daily over the next few days. I have the group therapy counselor personal assessment tomorrow morning and then my exam in the arvo (so i will be getting out of the house and seeing a person as well, but then still doing an exam which im freaking out about - not because of the exam itself.... but like the subject itself because it carries memories of lectures and stuff where I've been socialising and all). It's weird.

Thursday I'll be seeing the new psych. The male one. Friday my other one. The acute care team said they will contact her about today's call and yesterdays episode at the hospital.

All that said, I still feel crap. But I guess that's how it has to be. I've made the effort to book in he appointments and such and that's a good thing. I'll certainly go. I was thinking about this before... why do i keep pressing on? Why do I keep seeking help? Because i see value in living and life. Just a thought. That's all it is atm. I still feel crap and sad, but at least that's something. There is value there... somewhere deep down. Anyways...

@em - thanks again for your kind words :) You are a kind soul. It was strange when i saw that happen you know... i almost felt compelled to intervene... i reckon i would've if he left and she was still there. She drove off though. I'm simply saying it was a compulsion. The whole thing about how it effects my own view on myself is a seperate matter entirely. Mental health is the worst..

@james1 - thanks :) that sounds like what i'm talking about that lies down deep within me.. I'm on the correct path after all.

@Quercus - a friend of mine asked me how i was today and i told her the truth and she said that she was there for me. She's cool. A good mate :) And my other friend who goes through this stuff is the same, she's a good help. For someone who claim to be terrible with women.. I have many female friends right? lol.. yeh anyway idk about the relationships thing. Guess that's the point of the new psych hey? I think you are onto something about not trying, but the reason i don't "try" is because I don't feel deserving or worthwhile.... YET. Keyword "Yet". I'm working on that. Plus boosting my social circle is really difficult atm.. I'm trying to work on that but it's hard.

Thanks again guys. It's tough atm so I'm not gonna sugarcoat things, I'm on a good path i guess.

Wish me luck in my exam, ill need it ha

Hi HamSolo01,

Good luck in your exam. Glad to hear you have appointments lined up and are taking care of yourself.

I think if you wait until you feel good enough and self confident enough you'll be waiting forever pointlessly. Just put yourself out there and make friends and enjoy yourself the way you are (you don't seem to struggle with this). We all doubt ourselves. That doesn't go away we work on it.

But my point is there is nothing wrong with you. You are the way you are. And that is ok. You don't need to change how you are or how you act. You are absolutely fine just as you are. If you doubt that look at the post from BenignSky. That post is full of compliments and she sees you talking honestly about how you are at your worst.

I can't see you judging a girl for having a mental illness as long as she is taking care of herself so why are you judging yourself? So what if you have issues? That doesn't mean you can't find love.

Anyway maybe just focus on getting through the exam and then you can think it all through 😊.

Tonight I feel horrible

I'm just wondering what the hell it is I have to do to make my life better you know?

Even coming on the forums here to seek help..... it makes me feel like a failure. It actually makes me feel like I've screwed up THAT BAD that I have to come here to seek help. I feel like a loser. There's just a lot of emotional stuff going on and I feel like bawling my eyes out. Even as I'm writing this I'm getting tears in my eyes. I'm just SO ANGRY at myself. I wish I never changed schools. I wish I never got involved with religion. I wish I actually did something with my life in high school to make it easier on me now... I wish I wasn't such a fraudulent child. I wish I worked part time while in high school to support myself at uni.. I wish I grew a pair of balls and asked those girls I found attractive out for coffee in first year uni... I wish I played a team sport to develop my physical health and mental wellbeing in order to make friends. I wish I hadn't ever been diagnosed and just sucked it up and put up with it. I honestly think at times that had I just got on with the job at hand then things could've been SO much better. I wouldn't be where I am now. It actually feels like I've created this entire thing by way of inaction and stupid decisions. I was never assertive, I was never confident and I've always doubted my own abilities. I don't deserve anything. It just feels so overwhelming. Why can't I just be normal you know?

It just sucks so much. I'm getting ongoing treatment and everything. Even considering going off my meds on the weekend, but I stopped myself from doing that. Stayed on them. I just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel gets closer soon because I feel like I'm going to fall through the ice into the freezing cold water underneath.

In an attempt to make myself feel better here are 2 good things that happened today. I found out that I will be doing that volunteer thing at the airport (Which is good) and I feel like im on top of my mental health despite the fact I feel the worst I have in ages.

The default crappiness is still there. How desperately I crave some sort of change, how desperately I crave a button to press that could reset the course of history so that I would be much happier now. How desperately I have craved the warmth of a romance, the happiness of wealth and the enjoyment of friends. Everything is tasteless, dull and void. But there's a small hope. I hope it lasts.

Thanks

Hello HamSolo,

it might be a good idea if you do some volunteer work,like in a refuge for homeless or a nursing home or maybe a aids drop in centre.

Life is very very hard!

But you have choices!

You are young,not many responsibilities!

Stuff all the pressures put on you from the world!

Be a man not a mouse!

Raw like a tiger and take life by the balls!!!!!!!

Later

Hi HamSolo01,

How did your exam go?

It's ok to feel absolutely crap just try and remember it will pass eventually. Today is just one of those days that the depression is overwhelming you. Wait it out and keep talking it will pass you know this. Feels absolutely horrible though.

There is no point flogging yourself over what is done and past. You can't change it. It would be wonderful to be able to go back and change things but dwelling on this just hurts you. Was is done is done. You can wish to change the past but it isn't helping you. Focus on the present and what you can do. What you can change now.

If you keep dwelling on the past get up and do something to distract yourself. I find music loud in headphones helps and exercise. Maybe hit the gym if you have a 24 hr one. Watch a movie. Distract yourself however you can.

Focus on what you have achieved as well. You kept on the meds. That is a good thing. You got into the volunteering job. That is fantastic. You are going to meet all sorts of people. I can say one thing about airports you will very rarely have a dull day at work. I think you might really enjoy this. Again more progress.

As to your list of regrets... Asking a girl out for coffee. Joining a team sport. Making new friends. These are things you can do even now. Even with depression and anxiety. At the risk of annoying you I'll throw this out there... Just do it. Put up a profile on line. Ask your friend you spoke to today if she wants to go grab a coffee and help you practise flirting. Pick a sport and ask a few friends to join you so it's not so intimidating. Just get out of your comfort zone and try something different. I'm sorry if you find that too pushy.

It will be ok HamSolo01. Just get through today and start again tomorrow.

Hi HamSolo01,

I will point out something you said in a earlier post from today "Because i see value in living and life. Just a thought. That's all it is atm. I still feel crap and sad, but at least that's something. There is value there... somewhere deep down. Anyways..."

You know exactly how valuable life is and that it is worth living, one thing I want to point out as well is that it is never ever too late to start living your life that you deserve. Regrets are a part of life and hindsight is a hell of a thing because you look at things that happened and think of how you could of done it differently. End of the day part of healing and getting better is accepting what has happened and accepting that it is part of your past and learning from it and moving forward, I think you have learnt a lot of life lessons in your life at only 23 years old as well which you can grow from.

You aren't a loser for seeking help here, most, if not all of us are here because we were seeking help. We aren't trained professionals, this is a community based on have common ground with everyone and that we all suffer from a mental health issue, so we use our experiences to help each other. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

My best,

Jay

Hamsolo01,

I really really get some of what you are describing, it reminds me of some of my internal thoughts that have paralyzed me. Particularly the regrets and hopelessness.

I am not currently in the proper place to give thorough support, but I would like to give some suggestions which I have found helpful.

1. Congratulate yourself for seeking help. It is a big big step. Be proud that your are seeking a way through this.

2. Your inner critic (the regrets, the self-criticism, etc,) is self-propagating and addictive. It will not figure out a way out of your painful situation. Only new actions and behaviors can orient you in a different direction.

It took me 10 years to figure this out, I finally realized that my depressive episodes were always unsuccessful attempts at dealing with stressful thoughts. The evidence was before me, depression never worked. I needed to find another way to deal with the world. I find if I analyze less and just "do" the right things, over the long term the picture improves.

3. Accept things as they are. I think the Buddhists have it pretty spot with this: craving leads to suffering. Even though you need to accept things as they are, you are free to change things also. Acceptance does not mean you "take no action", it means "OK, things are like this now, can't change the past and can't live in the future", "but, now, what small step can I take the very next moment that helps me out?" Make small steps and set the bar low. Again, I speak from experience, accomplishing small things is way more helpful for treatment than having a big goal which may not be achieved. If you take the step, its important to see it right through that is why small goals a better.

4. Praise yourself for your achievements. Some of my best moments are when I I can say to myself "Good on you, it's not easy being me, but darn it here I am and look what I can do". It's OK to be selfish here.

I hope these are helpful. But if not, that is OK too. A lot of what you describe sounds freakishly similar to some of my thought processes.

Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less alone. I hope to keep on top of your thread.

Best,

Jimny

hey all

thanks again

today was okay

Assessment people may decide against letting me do the group stuff. Just the vibe i got from them. Time will tell. If they say no, then ill lool at the south sydney recovery college.

@9 names: i like that approach i think i might adopt it. I can see it starting to emerge in my life which is good.

@quercus: i find that stuff can help at times but not all the time. Guess its how it has to be. Havent been to gym this week so guess ill go tomoz. Flush it out that way. I joined a dating site too but i dont like the photos.. most are older ones and they dont do me justice :p and im not overtly happy atm so selfies wont do nothing haha. Might leave it up for a bit. Eventually someone might reply. Its brutal with online stuff for guys. One day at a time i guess hey? As always. Music is good therapy atm too. Check out "Pavane for a dead princess", its like 150 years old. Gorgeous piano cover on youtube. I listen to it and it makes me feel like things are getting better. Music is great like that. Plus its from Dark Knight Rises too.

@bball: hey. Hindsight is indeed cruel. The only way to use it is to learn things i guess. Good ideas thiugh so thanks :)

@jimny: hey there, thanks for dropping by. Its always good to hear from people who feel really close to what ive written. I like the "what i can do now" approach. Thats a really good way to cement better thought processes.

Thanks again people.

A friend told me last night that those of us who experience the darkness in life are in a position where we can appreciate the good. We are more human as a result. Gives my depression and anxiety a silver lining. I suppose this is also why im not into hook ups hey? i want intimacy and love and acceptance, things which are good and true. I think i sell myself short. Maybe im yet to find a girl like that. Ill be keeping my eye peeled however. I think if i see it, ill be confident enough to chase it. Its a case of working on my deepseeded negative thoughts i have of myself. Its a process i guess. Onwards and upwards

Hey HamSolo01,

Good to see today was ok 😊.

Yeah I get what you mean about what I was saying only working some of the time. When I'm really down and frustrated I can't seem to actually apply many of those things except for just keeping busy either.

But when I'm feeling average or good or ok I can take action. Make changes. Get off my butt and help myself. Do whatever I can that might make things easier when I go down again. That way when I go down (I always seem to) I've already got things in place.

Like what? Like talking to friends and asking for help beforehand. When I'm in a bad place I know I can just call and say help keep me busy please. And the explainations etc are already done.

Like confiding in my family and husband things that help me when I'm low. Sometimes that's meant swallowing my pride and admitting things that are hurtful or embarrassing. Yeah imagine trying to tell your husband sometimes you forget who he is and get frightened. That was hard. But we worked out a way for me to bring myself back to the present and grounded.

Like listing my goals and things I want. Priorities and plans. Strengths. I save them on my phone if they are private or put them up on the fridge if not. That way when I'm muddled I'm reminded I just have to put one foot in front of the other and the good days will return. And the woman I like will come back. The proof of it is looking at me.

You can hear it today. I'm good today. But am on my way to bare my soul and pour out poison again. And I don't seem to feel great afterwards. So this is me in preparation mode. Maybe the fall won't come maybe it will. But today is good and I'm leaving myself every reminder I can just in case.

I think this is what I was trying to say. Just hold on while it's shit. Focus on nothing but staying alive and safe and reminding yourself it will pass. Then on the ok days work on yourself and help yourself and protect yourself.

Arrgh time to go spew it all out. Ah crap tonight is going to be a teary one I can almost feel it.

i like the idea of preparing/readying yourself on the good days. Make plans for your life on the good days when you feel good. When you feel crap then its a chance to hang up your shoes and let it pass too.

Reminds of that phrase "This too shall pass" from the whole human condition adage - about life being transitory. It traces back to an ancient Persian fable apparently. As it happens, there was a ring that had the power to make the sad man happy and the happy man sad. On it were inscribed the words "This too shall pass". The story continues and says that the ring was given to the king/whoever was in charge and that it was intended to make him happy when he felt sad - all he had to do was put it on. This of course meant that when he put it on, he would eventually feel sad again. This was the power that the ring had. It was both a blessing and curse.

I think the funny thing about that fable is that we aren't wearing the ring. We don't have to. If we did, then nothing would change. Why? Because it would have the same effect... life without the ring is transitory just the same as it would be with the ring on.

That little fable is a cool one. Reminds me that no matter what we do, we simply won't remove the sad times in life. Have you read or are you familiar with Brave New World? It's a tough book to read. But I believe the tough books are often the best. It helped me, but it broke me a bit too. It's primary focus is about a world where sadness, grief etc are totally eradicated. Might sound good right? But the problem is that the happiness was totally manufactured. Nothing happy about that. Says a lot about mainstream culture I suppose?

Literature is pretty good like that. I love the fact I have the ability to recall things I've read and apply it to real life. Sadly I feel no one appreciates this about me :/ it's lost on most.

Ah well. Back to the drawing board I guess.

Thanks again Quercus. Take care mate :)

I think if i ever became one of those punk weirdos you see walking around the inner city of Sydney, then I'd buy a ring and have that inscribed, or if i got a tatoo then i would have that.

Sending you hugs. Life is

I'm hurting with you,sorry

Just wanted to say I appreciate literature nuts and I enjoyed reading that last post of yours. It was insightful and deep. Do you ever write poems?

I'd respond better but I myself am going through a rough time.

Hope you're doing okay.

Hi HamSolo01,

You are right, literature is sort of lost on a lot of people, I like the fact you can recall things you have read. I love books about positivity and bettering yourself and I really do love quotes, in all forms. I guess I find peace in some of them when I am feeling down. One thing I also love are listening to motivational videos people post on youtube, not someone speaking to an audience but most are various speakers talking about certain topics and there are clips from movies and what not that relate to it. I have listened to ones about depression and anxiety and take strength from them to help myself.

You seem to of had a better day today and that is great to read. I read your thing about the online dating site you joined, its tough for every guy on those things so just keep it up and hopefully something comes out of it for you.

Side note: Quercus, I really hope you are doing ok at this time, and also to 9 names later and BenignSky, I know you are all hurting right now but it will all get better, keep your heads up and be as positive as possible.

My best,

Jay