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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to Sophie_M

    its probably because i feel like its the only place i can freely talk about whats going on for me

    in the past the only thing thats worked is supressing it down and im sick of doing that

    but it also feels utterly useless to talk about it with anyone at all

    i know and feel for a fact that i really dont like myself. I dont believe i ever will. When my old psych told me that i had to just accept myself i felt annoyed. I cant do it. Theres no point to why i should i feel.

    right now im at home on my own and im tempted to end it but i am seeing my psychistrist in 90mins so im holding out for that

    mum texted me saying have a sleep so im trying to now.. but i keep remembering all the reasons why i dont deserve to. Nothing has changed in 4 years time and im here on my own in my life.

    All i simply want is to be like any normal 23 year old. Im not and i never will be normal. Im not interested in what people say.. they get paid to say it so it'd probably be wrong.

    I just want to hit rewind and go back to school and start over. Things would be so much better thst way. But that wont happen so why bother

  2. Sophie_M
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01, please keep talking here as long as you find it helpful.  Thanks also for the great support you provided Eve23 in her social anxiety thread this afternoon - that you are able to be so kind and supportive of others on a really bad day like today when you're struggling with thoughts of suicide shows a real strength and resilience.  

    Try to approach your psych appointment this afternoon with the assumption that he is there to help, and please let us know how it went.

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  3. james1
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    If you are in danger between now and your psychiatrist, can you give the hospital a call? Even if not, it's important that you do tell your psychiatrist about what you're feeling right now.

    I don't know how it feels to be you, but I can see you're struggling a lot with lots of feelings. Some of those seem to be frustration, helplessness and regret. It would be good to talk to your psychiatrist about how you feel and not a suppressed version of that.

    It's been a crappy few days for you from what I can see, and you are right in saying that your upbringing and school life will never be normal. It's in the past and we can't change that.

    But you've been making real efforts to try and change the path from here, and nobody, not even you or I, can know what that looks like. All we know is that there are many different possibilities for the future - some good, some bad - and you're trying really hard to achieve the good ones.

    James

  4. Quercus
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Not long till the psychiatrist appointment just hold on ok. Please keep yourself safe.

    The psychiatrist will tell you if he thinks you need to be in hospital. Just be honest about how you are feeling. James had a good point about it being hard to know where to start when you're so angry. That's why I think let him read the posts. At least then you know he's got the whole story.

    On your good days you have said your parents love you. You just can't see it right now. They do care, we do care. Even if it feels like everyone has given up on you that isn't true. Thats the depression speaking. Please keep yourself safe.

  5. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to Quercus
    im off to the psych now
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  6. BballJ
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I have sat here reading through each one of your posts.. as you can tell we are all concerned about your well being... it's ok that this is the place you feel you can vent but I do hope you told your psych about all of this and maybe even showed them the posts.

    I know everyone is giving you their takes on everything and I won't keep going on about it...I know you are not in a great place right now but keep replying to us... please tell us how the appointment with the psych went?

    We just want to make sure you are ok.

    My best,

    Jay

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  7. Quercus
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    4 July 2017 in reply to BballJ

    I'm with Jay...

    Been feeling crap about defending your parents when you were so low and probably didn't want to hear that.

    What I should have said is just that I hear you. The pain you're in is valid. Please be safe. And that we care. I care. You're an important part of this BB community. You support others and even your struggles help others too.

    I hope you are alright. Please let us know when you feel able to.

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  8. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey guys, thanks again for stopping by

    what a day its been

    two key things my psychiatrist pointed out today were how hindsight will inevitably colour our perspectives of ourselves. Second thing was that victimising oneself can entertain the notion that this damage can be permanent. He said be aware of thinking that its permanent, because it isnt.

    He put me on a new med too, its used for bipolar and depression. Mood stabiliser. This will hopefully help with suicidal ideation. That was the main thing to grapple with because the rest is through the new psych.

    My parents wanted to make sure that i was okay though when i got home. So that was good. I guess the point is to accept the past whereupon i can move into the future.

    This will be a key theme of the psych sessions i reckon. Goal setting. First and forenost with thst is to get something into a routine where i make money. So i need ideas in that realm. Starting very small.

    I know for a fact i can interact with people as im not inept. Even had my friend tell me that some others i was out with on saturday night thought i was good chatting to them. I know the whole women/sex thing is an issue in my mind, but in reality i can still speak to girls. Its just meeting them and/or going up to them i suppose. But because i have a perceptive mind i can know what to say to them and keep a conversation going. Plus i have good sense of humour and girls like to laugh haha :p but at this point its a case of patience. I must remember that im not into giving myself off cheaply. But i must also open up and this is the core challege with my MH battle. Slowly but surely its changing.

    I believe some of my percieved inadequecy comes from the people i use to hang with as well. Often it boils down to "what would xyz think". But who cares. I dont even hate them.

    Im beginning to see the true self thst exists underneath. I guess it just takes time to click into place.

    I told him all the stuff i posted here, i remembered it all. Plus i copied it on here from my notebook. Ive got a MH notebook now.

    Ill have more in the morning. But for now, good night :)

    thanks again too, was a tough day today

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  9. Quercus
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Such a relief to see the mood has passed a little. I hope in the morning you continue to feel ok.

    I like this...

    that victimising oneself can entertain the notion that this damage can be permanent

    That makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. We're more than just our shitty life experiences. We grow and change and adapt. Who we were once is not who we're destined to be forever.

    And I'm glad to hear about the new meds. Really hope to hear they help soon.

    Small steps. Little changes. You can do this. Financial independence is a really good place to start. Putting yourself out there to find work is daunting but worth it. Just imagine how good you'll feel to have your own place. A lot of the anger yesterday seemed to be directed at your parents but I keep wondering if living at home contributed to this. You're trying to find the space to become your own person in your own right independent of your parents. Because you are an adult with your own wants and needs and priorities. But it's their house... their rules so you're kind of restricted. Does that make any sense?

    So jobs... You mentioned the bookshop. Any chance you could go visit and ask if the job is still available? What is the hardest part you find about the job hunt? Is it the idea you might not be any good at the job? The initial getting to know the staff routine? What was it that stopped you from accepting the job in the bookshop?

    Oh I forgot to ask... How did the airport volunteering go? You're familiar with the environment why not see if there are any jobs going there? Customs is always recruiting.

    Anyway kids are awake the day begins. Take care of yourself ok.

  10. james1
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    I'm glad your psych was able to help you find that perspective and new medication, and that your parents showed their concern as well.

    Quercus had some awesome ideas about the bookshop and airport, perhaps in the retail areas even. Job hunting is difficult so it could take a little bit of time, but you'll find something.

    It's hard to open up, so I just thought I'd send a little reminder that nobody is going to judge you here. If you're feeling like you're slowly crumbling, let us know and we can help remind you that you're still moving forward. That way you won't feel like you need to hide and bottle everything in. It'll be easier :)

    James

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  11. HamSolo01
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    5 July 2017

    hey guys

    i dont know if its a case of fully fledged financial independence yet quercus, more a case of finding something to do between now and when i graduate. I need money because i want to be able to buy stuff but also because i want experience. I find evem thinking about work can bring about anxiety. Even when you just mentioned it in your post i get sick. I think is because i dont view my chances. I actually do feel like a failure as im 23 with very little real world experience. But i have done tutoring around the place which means i can interact with people no dramas. I also did an internship at the uni too. These were no doubt helpful in getting me a job offer from that bookstore. I think i woulda had to compete with others in interviews but then again its a step in the right direction.

    The reason i knocked it back was because i felt my anxiety and depression were getting the better of me at that point.

    ill continue the rest of this on my pc, give me a few minutes

  12. HamSolo01
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    I really can't get my head around the problem i have with working. I think it's also because i feel like a lazy, good for nothing bludger. I hate myself for it, but i don't even know if it's true. I guess i felt like the bookshop stuff was going to be too much. This is where i spiral down though. I begin to see all the interactions i have had in the past and remember stuff that worked out. I remember the internship and having to speak to the heads of the departments, i remember speaking with new people on monday at the training, i remember being assertive and confident in classes at uni when i've had to be. None of that was EASY but i still kinda managed it. But I think this is the problem, I want it to be easy. I hate that something i'm seemingly able to do in some circumstances is harder in others. It's strange because i can view and remember all these times in my life where things have worked out well, and i just cant seem to shake the anxiety that comes with working.

    The bookshop thing was good because it was in a section i knew about and studied about. I even wrote a letter explaining how i was keen to share my knowledge and stuff from uni along with my experience as a tutor. Even put a bit about how i used to go to that bookstore as a kid, just to give it a bit of personal touch. Basically i constructed a narrative. I think this is the problem too. It goes back to the whole thing where I sell myself short. I can do this sort of thing, but i think i feel like its so fake its just a put on and i get exhausted with it. I couldn't ring them back because i freaked out that i would forget how to be normal on the phone. I'm even having doubts now about whether i can do that volunteer thing at the airport - because it requires going up to people. THIS is something that I freak out over. NOT because i dont think i can be friendly and easy going and helpful (because there is evidence of that) but its actually because of my height. I honestly feel at times that people are just too intimidated by it and it throws them off. People are fickle like that and it annoys me. I mean I'm not trying to eat them or something. But as a result of both being quite tall, but also shy and reserved i kind of fall flat on my face. I'm really self conscious about my weight too, i feel like im too skinny. I've lost weight when i wanted to put it on. (see how the negative thinking thing spirals out of control again? its really strong and deep seated)

  13. HamSolo01
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    This is also where a lot of the self-consciousness comes through.

    I guess it's a chain reaction. I see that i have virtually no money in the bank, then i start to see how sad i am, then i see how inadequate i am, then i see how hopeless my situation is (despite the fact that it's not really), then i start to view myself in a negative light, then i start to see how much i have screwed up...... it's a MASSIVE chain reaction. All kicked off by something as simple as looking for money.

    That's just the tip of the iceberg. IT also then delves into how im still a virgin, the fact i look skinny (i dont even know if i am or not), then its about how everyone around me is doing better, then its about how friends have abandoned me (or that i might've even turned them away)..... again... see how its negative thinking all over?

    But in answer to your question, i guess the thing that puts me off the MOST? is the fear that i will screw up. I have memories of times i have done stupid things in front of people and crowds and i just freak out that it will happen again. I'll just be that tall freak who can't manage. But to be honest, i think its lessened a bit. But then idk.

    I tried an employment service but they were terrible. Immensely condescending and just did not care whatsoever. Plus it made me feel worse. I realised that I pretty much did not need them.

    I guess the solution in the short term is to keep an eye out for stuff that is suited to where I am at in my mental health journey. I have the uni job search thing (the only work i've ever done has been found through that). But i could probably look for basic data entry stuff too idk? Where would i find that?

    But you see, it becomes a roller coaster. I just feel so nervous about work. Despite the fact I'm not an idiot, i still FEEL like one.. I worry it will show.

    Part of the approach the new psych takes is goal setting and i guess this is something i want to raise tomorrow.

    Gotta admit, I feel pretty down at the moment because of this. I feel like a failure again. It's all about how others are out there enjoying life and im stuck at home.

  14. james1
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    You said in your second post:

    "see how the negative thinking thing spirals out of control again? its really strong and deep seated"

    Did you talk to your psychiatrist about strategies to manage this yesterday?

    It sounds like you do a lot of ruminating and that's where the negative thoughts can get out of hand.

    It's good to cast a critical eye over yourself, but it's important to make sure this doesn't dip into critique and negativity. It's also important to remember that we cast a critical eye to find opportunities for improvement, and improvement takes a long time so we don't need to do a check on ourselves each day.

    Are you able to distract yourself when these thoughts start?

    If you're like me, a lot of the thoughts will have probably been thought about a couple of days ago, so from the perspective of self-improvement (which takes a long time), they're not useful thoughts.

    About the self-doubt regarding work: have you ever read Hamlet? That's a wonderful example of just how hard self-doubt and endless rumination can be. It's sad because he gets so caught up in the thinking, that he ends up acting with pretty bad results. So we need to learn how to be a bit more spontaneous as well. For example, I catch myself making long as plans about what I'm going to do, then I realise I haven't done anything. That's usually when I put the plans aside, and just do what I was planning - go for a run, search for jobs, call my friend.

    James

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  15. james1
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Sorry I forgot to post my strategies for distracting myself..silly me.

    So some of the things I learnt to do last year was:

    - as soon as I catch myself saying or thinking something negative, change the topic

    - post on other people's threads to stop myself from thinking about me

    - run really fast and set goals for my running

    - message a friend and tell them to distract me

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  16. Quercus
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    You're not alone in this work anxiety. I finished my degree and would look at the jobs and feel too useless to apply for any of them. There would always be a reason to not put myself out there.

    My friend practically dragged me to her work and said stand there and serve customers. I was terrifed. What if I got their change wrong? What if I couldn't remember the price of something? What if they yelled at me? How the hell did I finish a degree and yet have no bloody life skills?

    I felt useless because I couldn't even master checkout without melting down. But the customers were kind. The staff were supportive and lovely and patient. The nerves only lasted a week until I got a routine. Then I realised I was enjoying myself. I loved the staff they were like a family. And I liked the paycheck. I liked being able to tell my parents thank you but I can now pay my own rent.

    You mentioned a family friend offering you work before. Is that still an option? Sometimes we just need that helping hand to get us started. You've got to start somewhere even if it feels like a silly job. Every bit of practise helps you to gain confidence.

    You've got this. It is so bloody scary starting a new job I do get that feeling. But once you're there you'll learn and it will be ok. You will mess up at some point (everyone does) and feel like an idiot but that is part of learning. If you find a supportive environment the other staff will help you laugh it off and try again. As to your height there is a young bloke working at our local bakery who is extremely tall and slim. Yet noone is intimidated because he always has a smile. The older ladies in particular wait for him to serve them because they like how he always makes the time to be polite. Everyone makes mistakes at work (anyone who says they don't is a liar) the trick is to apologise with a smile and make sure people know you're trying your best.

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  17. HamSolo01
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    5 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Today has been a very rough day indeed.

    I think I need to take the next week off from worrying about finding employment, and simply just apply for SOMETHING once a day. Whether it's an internship, volunteer role or maybe some tutoring work.

    Today I feel like dying. I'll be honest. I just feel so low and depressed. Like I've wasted my time (again with that one).

    I had to sleep this afternoon because i came from gym really upset. That's twice it has happened now. I think it's because it feels like it's not having any results. No one has commented on it. It's fickle of me I know but that's just how it is and I'm just trying to be open.

    The thought that I'm where I am at 23 is just so bitterly disappointing. I just want it all to go away.

    I'm anxious and depressed and i feel like life is not worth living. The problem is though that I'm intelligent enough not to let it get to me so much that I want to kill myself. I told my sister that yesterday the only thing preventing me from killing myself was the fact i was seeing the psych. I guess that worked too.

    I'm seeing my psych tomorrow (the new one again) so i will raise the work topic with him and the suicide. I guess that's the point of the new medication too, it being a mood stabiliser.

    I think I need to tune out from the world a bit more too. Listening to the news and stuff just makes me feel guilty that I am not out there doing anything with my life except uni and that's it.

    I had to tell my student that i couldn't do tutoring yesterday as well. Was honest and said it was mental health related.

    What frustrates me so much about my MH is that I KNOW I can be social and all that, but it's like I just fail so much at the door. I even begin to doubt the times where I was sociable, thinking that I was just weird and they were being kind and putting up with it. It's pathological surely? Anyways I don't know anymore.

    I'm just sick of all this. I really am . I don't even know if I'm sane.

  18. BballJ
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    5 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Glad to read that you are in a better state of mind at the moment, the psych really does seem to help you a lot which is great. I am trying to decipher your last few posts and one theme I took from them all is that you are trying to fix everything all in one go. I know you said you are discussing goal setting with your new psych tomorrow I believe, which is great and I am a big fan of goal setting or making lists. I think once it's in writing you can focus all your energy on certain tasks and when you tick them off, it is an achievement and something to be proud off. You want to change so much but that is I believe is where it become overwhelming. This is all from personal experience of course.

    I know it all seems like a big pile of stuff you look up to and you are trying how to work out how to climb over the whole thing but I think breaking it down in small things and working on them individually is an idea. Of course your psych will give you the best direction and I may be way off base.

    Quercus - just wanted to clarify in my post above.. I wasn't criticising your post in any way shape or form when I said I didn't want to add on the stuff that was said in previous posts by HamSolo01. I simply meant it in that I didn't want to say anymore on it, as everyone else had covered it off.

    My best,

    Jay

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  19. james1
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    6 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    Something that always works for me when I'm in a similar position to you and questioning what my value even is, is to go away.

    Like you said, it helps tune out from the human world and lets you just focus on being you in a much more natural, non-judgmental environment.

    You can get away from the pressure of being at work, of needing to be at work, of friends' expectations and comparisons with other people.

    I did an overnight camp at Kosciuszko and that was lovely. Another time I stayed in a hostel in the Grampians and did day hikes (too cold to camp) a little while after my break-up when I felt I was going nowhere and had just wasted 24 years of my life. That trip was amazing to just remember what is out there in life aside from work I wasn't enjoying, a failed relationship and parents I couldn't stand. And appreciating the other stuff actually helps you put a more positive perspective on the less good stuff too.

    James

  20. HamSolo01
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    6 July 2017 in reply to james1

    hey all

    today i feel a bit better, i think it might be the new medication. Either way it's good. It's not solving it, but it's like a form of happiness - Soma (remember that from BNW James1?). But the thing is, I'm not taking it at the command of the World State lol.

    Off to the psych this arvo. But I have planned to meet with that student again today. Going over HSC stuff.

    I also "composed" a short poem/free verse just now. I did it while listening to the theme from Cloud Atlas (A movie that's 3 hours long, based on a book and is all about how we as people continually impact one another through time, where things that took place centuries ago reverberate through history). It's kind of like that idea of the Butterfly effect. To think that so many things could never have happened had certain people never made certain choices. I would never have existed had my dad decided to speak to my mum on that tour group. He wouldn't exist if my grandad didnt marry my grandma.. he wouldn't exist if his dad didn't travel from the other side of the world and arrive in Australia. I feel like this movie captures a feeling I have within me. About how things can work out fine in the end, even while we are on that journey we may never look out the window of the train, but we arrive at the station and open up the map to see just how far we have come. I guess this is how it feels now.

    "I close my eyes

    I imagine a reality

    Whereupon you don’t exist

    All things that could’ve been

    All things that should’ve been

    All things that would’ve been



    I ponder my life now

    In this, this ever-changing world inside me

    The world that shakes and rocks my inner core

    With its snow-covered mountain peaks

    It’s luke-warm gungy swamps

    I have traversed these peaks, I have waded through those
    swamps

    With that sunset up ahead, kissing the horizon oh so gently

    I am still

    I see that I have far to travel

    Yet I have come so far

    The clouds are settled. Blanketing the sunlight.

    The sky is orange. A tinge of blue and grey

    The bird sings its song and it echoes through the valley"

    My mental health journey is essentially a world that exists within me. One of many. I suppose I have many worlds in my being, a universe even. Reminds me of a phrase I heard once that we all have a universe in us.

    Today I feel like I've made progress in my MH. Not that it's all solved. I think accepting it is part of that fight. It's a fight for me to accept my MH but once I do it is okay :)

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  21. Quercus
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    6 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Thank you HamSolo01,

    I'll write to your posts once I feel ok but I need time out today.

    Just wanted to thank you for your poem. It is beautiful. You have a gift there you know.

    Take care 😊

  22. james1
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    6 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    Yeah I remember soma from BNW, haha. To be honest, I never thought of medication as being soma-like. To me, soma is a much more extreme form. Have you ever seen/listened to Book of Mormon? There's a funny song in that called "Turn it off". That, to me, is more soma-like.

    "We all have a universe in us" - I like that. You've got me thinking now!

    James

  23. HamSolo01
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    6 July 2017 in reply to james1

    hey all

    psych was good, gave me an opportunity to reflect on what was going on overall. I can confidently say that i have one new CORE BELIEF -that I am getting help and that I am on the right track. THAT is all that matters at this point. Nevermind everything else.

    Today I met with a student and realised that I really need to get my ass into gear with pushing them towards their HSC. I've come up with a basic strategy to employ for all of them. Luckily they are smart so I don't need to worry about teaching them basics - god knows i would be under a lot of stress if they weren't.

    I think I can confidently say that I will be done with tutoring after this year. Or I may not I really don't know haha.

    Another thing I have noticed in relation to tutoring is that I recall once seeing a website that sold notes and helpful tips a student pointed out. What I realised is that I don't put enough effort in for the prices I charge. So rather then boost my prices I have decided to hit an optimum level of commitment. At the end of the day it is their HSC and I am only there to provide guidance. I could charge them a tonne to write essays for them but maybe I am more moral than that.

    Another thing too that I have noticed is the ability for my thoughts to go into complex ideas over myself and how these develop into core beliefs.

    An example: I always remember the colleges at uni. I don't know why but i always seem to think about how i 'missed' out on it. The reality is that I never had a chance in the first place, i was never presented with an opportunity to go there anyways... Nevertheless it still effects the way I see myself. Maybe this comes from being in the vicinity of them idk? and reading all the stuff too. Then i apply it in a weird way to my own reality and it morphs into a core belief. So as it turns out, I hold myself to a standard that simply doesn't even exist. I think this comes from a core belief of inadequacy i have in relation to myself - so i subconsciously seek a standard or norm that was never there in the first place. Weird how something I have no connection to in any official or real capacity (Apart from reading about the places) has an impact on me hey? But i guess it could go to the whole relationships and sex thing that keeps playing on my mind - because from what i read, those colleges are places where that happens. But then it could be the formative years stuff in relation to sex as well. See how it all mixes together?

    Anyway still got more

  24. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    886 posts
    6 July 2017

    Anyway, today i applied for a job. Was VERY apprehensive at first but did it anyway. Told myself that there is no reason as to why i can't just apply then knock it back if need be. But I'll wait til that happens. The problem I had with it was that i applied for a job in the past one time and the same person who owned that business owned the one i applied for today - came up in history on my email. I saw this and remembered how useless the person was, that they didnt even go to the interview and didn't even reply when i told them my availability. But i figured i have more experience through more tutoring and the internship at uni so i thought why not just apply and see what happens. The inadequecy thing will kick in regardless, so i thought why not just apply. Worry about the next step when it comes by.

    I have found that work anxiety also stems from how people will perceive me generally. I guess I have 2 options to go from that? Either I freeze up and act odd OR I embrace whatever task it is I am doing and just do the sh*t out of it. That way you make a good impression and it shows you know how to work. I have the socialisation aspect downpat I know for a fact (but im still effected by social anxiety). I guess that's life with MH though really. The trick is to learn how to manage with it, something I am in the process of doing.

    At the moment I have some down time so i will spend it playing around a bit on pc, dinner, read my book, watch the cycling and then go to bed. Got a bunch of stuff tomorrow to do too so i will get on that as soon as i wake up and eat.

    That's the other thing too. This thread is gonna become a diary too. Just as a form of venting. I find that it is a good method of therapy. Just blurt out whatever the heck is on my mind at that time in order to get rid of that stuff. Feel free to ask ANY questions on stuff I mention. I have found over the past 4 years that one thing i have found useful for my mental health journey is to have a second voice/voice on the side asking questions. I think this is because i am the type of person that operates like that - i always go in for a second opinion and such. So I guess I'm actually asking you to ask me questions about it lol

    Anyways. Thanks again.

    And yeh, Jay (can i call you that?) soma is probably a bad example haha.

    Glad yous liked that poem too. There are more to come with it. Check out that movie too. I'll probs watch it again soon.

  25. Spearmint
    Spearmint avatar
    29 posts
    6 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    There seems to be a theme
    that you have high expectations for yourself & life. It's great
    to have goals & a marker towards what direction you want to go
    in.
    I also had grand plans.
    When I became an adult, things didn't really work out most of the
    time. Everything was difficult, it felt like all the doors were
    closed. I felt so completely stuck. We grow up being told that we can
    be, do & have everything we want. Only, we want & expect it
    right away, all at once & easily. Adult life can be hard to
    navigate. All of a sudden our plans are shoved to the side in order
    to pay bills & we have many new responsibilities getting in the
    way. Sometimes we don't want our old dreams anymore and we're left
    feeling lost.



    I spent my 20's undoing
    all of my conditioning that came from family, friends, school,
    religion & my own belief systems. I had so much inner crap &
    I went through 4 bouts of deep depression. Like you I was angry,
    frustrated, feeling stuck and hurting. I felt like my life was over
    before it even really began.



    It has taken me a long
    time to figure out who I truly am. what I really want and to be in a
    healthy enough head space to go get it. I am very different to who I
    was at the beginning of adult life. I look back without regrets
    because I can see how the trials have shaped me & made me into a
    better person, for myself & others. I am now approaching 30 &
    even though I have done almost none of what I have yet
    intended, I am now finally really ready & I am stronger than I
    ever thought I could possibly be. I don't see that time as being
    wasted at all. At 30, assuming I live to an old age, I still have
    tonnes of time & life left in me to do the things I want.
    All the unnecessary crap &
    people in my life that weren't really right for me have fallen away &
    it has been painful but it's also been for the best.



    Give yourself a bigger
    time line for your goals, It doesn't happen all at once, your goals
    aren't 2 minute noodles. Unless it's Friday night & your hungry..



    Don't waste your time
    comparing yourself to others, it's not a race & their lives
    probably aren't as great as you think they are. With sites like
    Facebook, you wouldn't believe how many people paint an amazing
    picture of what their life is like when in reality it isn't nearly as
    great as they make it out to be. Our lives & journeys are all
    vastly different & we all live at a different pace. Also most
    people fight battles you know nothing about.
    2 people found this helpful
  26. BballJ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    BballJ avatar
    2037 posts
    6 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow, I loved what you wrote in the first paragraph of your last post about your new core belief about realising you are getting the help you need and are on the right track to recovery. I feel like you need to write that down and look at is everyday if you can, print it off on Microsoft Word and stick it on your bedroom door, so you see it every time you leave the house.

    The tutoring really seems to be something you enjoy as well. You never thought of becoming a teacher?

    I agree with what you were saying about your thoughts manifesting and creating complex versions of yourself in your head that you fail to live up too. It is a very interesting concept to be honest. I think this is mental health to a tee however, it makes our minds do silly stuff.

    I feel like down the track, we may see a motivational book written by yourself about overcoming mental health, with your poems as sort of a bonus in the book. You never know.

    Quercus - I hope you are doing ok.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    886 posts
    7 July 2017

    I'm actually so over this.

    I don't even have any words to describe what it feels like.

    I just hate the fact I've gotten here.

    I made this in about 30 seconds.

    Wait

    Until the darkly night it passes

    Wait

    Until the quake rolls its last

    Wait

    Until rain it dries

    Wait

  28. BenignSky
    BenignSky avatar
    149 posts
    8 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey, Mitch,

    Can I make a suggestion..? It could be a stupid idea, or one you've already tried or had suggested to you, or maybe you just don't believe in these things, but I found it helped me a bit.

    Have you ever had a 'self-love' day? I saw this thing where it went for a month, but I crammed as much as I could into one day. I did one yesterday. I had only two hours sleep or something ridiculous, but here's what I did.

    I woke up early, and I took my time waking up. I stayed in bed, I cuddled my cow etc, then I got up and chilled downstairs with coffee for a bit. The weather was good yesterday, so I sat outside in the sun, forever waiting for my bus. I sat with my puppies too, and played with my cat. I stayed away from the television or phone etc. I listened to music on my trip, then when I got to the shopping centre, I bought presents for a friend, I visited a friend I'd been having trouble with, I bought myself coffee and lunch, I bought myself a new pair of shoes, I donated to charity and I spoke to someone new. I caught up with a friend after she finished work, I bought Jordan an elephant stuffed toy because two months ago was the first day I met him haha.

    It made me feel better, taking some time for myself and helping other people. I like leaving little notes on buses and in cafes and books to leave my mark in the world.

    I don't know..maybe it's something to try? Or maybe it's completely stupid.

    Know that you are worth it, and you mean so much to me, just simply for being human and for helping me through everything.

    I really hope you're okay.

  29. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    886 posts
    8 July 2017

    hey

    yeh i've done similar in the past.

    Tried to do it tonight but failed half way through because i just feel sad

    It's really just beginning to become a massive burden on my life and i want it gone

    there's so much regret, anxiety and self hate.

    I just want to be normal

    im not getting any younger and im sitting here at home on a saturday night feeling sad.... im just so over it

    i dont know what to do anymore...

    im just sick of meds, psychs, nutrition, exercise.. the works..

    i mean we are already more than half way through the year and i have done nothing..

    i feel like ive been on autopilot for so long

    today was so average with the extended family.. hearing how everyone else is going..

    just over it.... so over it..

  30. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    3037 posts
    9 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Any name works for me as long as it starts with a J, haha. Or, apparently, Penelope. That's a thing now.

    The day with the extended family sounds like it was pretty tough and just exhausting to have to hear how others are doing when your story's kind of shut away.

    Has your Sunday been any better?

    I had to go for a run in the morning which I just managed to drag myself up in the cold for, then I had brunch, a nap, tutoring, way too much cake in the arvo, youtube and going to have to go drive to the airport to pick someone up soon.

    Flat. Out.

    James

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