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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I made a big mistake...

Topic: I made a big mistake...

  1. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    3 February 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    hey,

    So I have a bit of news. Remember how I mentioned that cornflakes will be leaving drama at the end of the year. Well, I was talking to my aunt about it, and she suggested that after that happens it would be a good idea to come and live in Katherine with her (she's moving this month, because she got a job). I guess, it's a good thing to look forward to in the middle of my sadness.

    Drama starts back on the 15th of Feb. 13 more days, and counting.

    It's extremely cold here. What happened to 40 degrees? Melbourne weather is the absolute worst.

    I've yet to find something to do that makes me feel good. I just seem to "mope" all the time nowadays.

    - Nik

  2. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    3 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik -

    what sort of weather do you prefer? hot or cold?

    what sort of things would you previously like? games? music? movies?

    there was a time when I was like you. there is a web page that list about 300 things to try. Some I would not touch, but some I did and were OK. For example just sitting in the botanical gardens watching life go by.

    Also try out the word search game in virtual hope box. :)

    Tim

  3. Aaronsis
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    4 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hey Nik

    That is really great news that drama is starting back soon, I know how much you love it so I am sure this year will be another great year there.

    The move to Katherine would be very exciting, how would you feel about leaving your friends and your family and starting a new school? I think it is something that you need to really write a list of all the pro's and all the con's as a big move can be tricky. Katherine is a beautiful place and there is lots to see and to do and the new experience would be so wonderful, I just want to remind you though without being negative that while a change is great, the inside of you will still be there and the daily challenges you deal with will still be there. I don't want to say you are "running away from your problems"..that is not what I mean, but I just want you to make a good choice for your MH and ensure you will have good support if you go.

    Chat soon and hope today is a great one for you.

    Sarah xxx

  4. ~Nik~
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    94 posts
    4 February 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey,

    Firstly, I think you misunderstood me. I meant staying with my Aunt for only about a week. Then Ill go back. I doubt my family would ever let me go...

    As for the the things i used to like... well, i used to like eating, but I do find enjoyment in that anymore. I like music, but the music i listen to know, is depressing and sad, and i use it to help me "mope". I can't stick around to watch a whole movie anymore, i get bored after the first ten minutes. Trust me, I've tried. I like baking, but i don't like eating what I bake, and im not allowed to bake until the other food is finished.

    I don't prefer either hot or cold. I like mediocre weather, with neither hot nor cold. Just right weather, thats what I like.

    I'll try that word search game you suggested...

    I don't understand why there's not much I like to do anymore. I used to love to do all sorts of things. I must be a drag to be around, honestly. I barely talk in conversations.

    - Nik (missing Sarah's hugs)

  5. Aaronsis
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    4 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hey Nik

    I am going to start with huge hugs for you and a really big squeeze too...hope you are ok today.

    I am sorry for misunderstanding..I seem to do that alot so I apologize, it must be very frustrating for you..sorry!!

    A trip to Katherine would be beautiful and there is lots to see and do so that might be some really nice time to have a break from the family and to have some time for yourself.

    I understand that you are finding it really hard to find joy in things and that the things you used to like are no longer feeling good. The word game does sound like a great idea and there are some other things that you might find in virtual hope box too, I would really like to know if anything else in there grabs you.

    I am hoping once school gets back into the swing of things and you get some homework and assignments and when drama is back that you will have some things to keep you busy.

    Hugest of hugs to you my friend

    Sarah xxxx

  6. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    4 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik,

    You said the music that you listen to is depressing. Can you give me an example of what you listen to.

    So my choice of music is metal. And some of the songs that might be viewed as depressing or angry can be for me helpful - knowing I am not alone with my thoughts. There was a time when out of all the music I owned there was a single song I could listen to.

    I would also walk - sometime when I did not want to. And after a while, I would feel a bit better. I would go to the botanical gardens and watch the wildlife.

    If everything gets you down, or nothing to get excited about, I wonder if you could find any positives in your day? Perhaps if you told me about your day we could find some things that were worth remembering? I did a gratitude journal for my psychologist as well! If you are up for it....?

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  7. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    5 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    Look I've tried to do all these journal things, but there's really nothing to write. I don't see why I can't try again.

    Firstly, I don't get frustrated when you make mistakes, I just correct you.

    secondly, I listen to slow sad music. I'm not really good with describing songs, as I really don't know. But I listen to certain depressing rap songs that repeat topics about hating themselves and all that stuff.

    Thirdly, do you seriously want to know what happened yesterday? Cause I had a panic attack in the middle of lunch because I thought I was fat compared to everyone else, and the funny thing was, no-one noticed... That's the society I live in. And I was surrounded by people but none cared.

    Lastly, I am tired of feeling not much joy in my life anymore.

    - Nik

  8. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    5 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik,

    It is journal of a sort. All you have to do is write down

    • something to look forward to in the day
    • something you accomplished in the day
    • a gratitude for the day

    there is also a thread on the forums here called "three things to be thankful for today". When I had to do this homework initially I had to use google to find a gratitude. My psychologist helped me with the accomplishments. Whether you consider this exercise is up to you... I cannot make you do something.

    In the end, small things like getting out of bed, having a shower, brushing my teeth, having breakfast while small would be accomplishments.

    Tim

  9. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    6 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    those three points are really hard to write down, as I never look forward to anything in my day, I just hope that i can make it through another day of school. I guess that i could be grateful for the fact that i did survive school.

    As for the accomplishments. I finished another day of school?

    Yep, basically my life is nothing but going to school and sleeping. But then again, i rarely get to sleep anymore.

    I know you are trying to help, so i'm sorry i'm being like this. I just don't really know how to do what you are saying.

    But, I need some help. This guy, whom is one year older than me, wants to hang out with my on one weekend. I don't really know what I should do. On one hand, I don't want to say no because i'm scared of his reaction, on the other hand, I don't want to ask my parents in case they say no, and then i have to tell him no. And then again, i don't know if he really just wants to hang out with me or he's just bored. Then again, no one likes hanging out with me, so why'd he want to? Plus i'm so anti social in person, so if he hangs out with me, he's never going to want to be my friend again. I'm really not used to hanging out with people who are not my family. I usually do it about once a year, maybe less.

  10. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    6 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik,

    Yes. It seems that you can think of surviving another school would be an achievement or accomplishment.

    Lets try something or gratitude - do you like rain, sunshine, flowers, phone, access to the internet, being able to chat here, pets, fresh air, bed to sleep in, etc.

    About the boy... would you like to spend some time with him? What if you asked your parents and they said "Yes"?

    Tell us more about him? (somewhat rhetorical and more for your reflection)

    It is easy for us to be able to see all our own faults. And while I have seen some mean teen films, do you think that a boy would open himself up to possibility of rejection in wanting to spend time with you? Perhaps have a chat with him one day at school? Is it possible that he sees you in a way different to the way you see yourself?

    Tim
  11. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    10 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    I'm grateful that some people don't have to go through the struggles of mental health. I am grateful that there are people that are free from all this.

    I just wish I was one of them.

    I don't see the boy at school. He lives an hour a way from me, he goes to my drama. I barely know him. I met him a year ago. I don't know whether he really just wants to hang out. Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe it's not worth it. I'll invite some other friends of ours he can hang out with instead of me, he'll prefer it anyway.

    I don't know how to cope with life anymore. Maybe I'm just having a really bad day.

    - Nik

  12. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    10 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~
    You sound quite low at the moment. :(

    Perhaps trying to talk yourself out of meeting him?

    It is a natural thing to do. However both my psychologist and psychiatrist said to me that the best thing to do in these instances is to do the opposite of what your mind tells you.

    In my case I had bailed out of a couple of meeting with little to no warning and I told my psychs that I was not in the mood. By going and doing something it would act.as a distraction. I might have even enjoyed myself.

    How are things going in drama? Or at school? How about your friends?

    Tim
  13. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    Yeah I am talking myself out of meeting him. I really don't think I want to go anymore. I never go out with my friends, so I'm really not used to this.

    I go back to drama in 3 days, I haven't been for two months and I am missing it so much. I can't wait to see cornflakes and eclair (my two friends. You probably missed the fact that I give people codenames according to the first letter of their names)

    School... Well school sucks. That's all I have to say about it.

    - Nik

  14. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Remember a short while ago I mentioned an exercise with something to look forward to, an accomplishment etc. It sounds to me like

    • drama is something you are looking forward to
    • getting through the school days at the moment is an accomplishment
    • thankful for my friends - cornflakes and eclair

    When I am down, seeing something positive in a message can be very difficult - that is something I know quite well. And that is OK also. Perhaps I could ask one small favour of you.... don't throw away positives messages you might find or receive - there may be a moment when you read them again, and so "yeah! that moment was good". It might only be a moment but that moment offered a sliver of hope.

    Do you want to share something about your friends in drama classes?

    Tim

  15. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    13 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    My friends at drama are the most accepting bunch of kids. I know I am biased, but I believe kids who do acting accept every type of person, because most of the time we are very unique. We have a lot of the LGBTQI community (including myself) and a lot of us have experienced bullying and being excluded for being weird. But at drama, no-one judges and its a place where we can escape and be with people who are like us, and who accept us.

    I met cornflakes a year ago. He finished year 12 last year, and has been a great support to me. He often makes sure I'm ok, and is just a really nice person. He gives great hugs, and knows exactly what to say. Well... most of the time he does.

    Eclair, I also met a year ago. She's a really cute girl, whom I love to death, and is just a really great girl to hang out with. We stick together a lot. I don't really remember how we met, but as soon as we did, we became pretty good friends. She has a best friend who is at drama too, and is also another one of my good friends.

    There is the boy who invited me to hang out. He's nice. We acted in a scene together, and that's how we met.

    Then there's this other guy, who is a year older than me, and we barely talk, but we are really good friends.

    In fact, while there are really nice people at my drama, i tend not to talk that much, I just stick to myself, until cornflakes gets frustrated with me, and asks me whats wrong. I usually say fine. He never believes me.

    That's my drama.

    - Nik

  16. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    13 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    It sounds like you get excited by drama!

    Do you meet with these people outside of drama classes? They sound like nice people. And you will see them tomorrow? Are you looking forward to seeing them again?

    Tim

  17. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    Yes i am seeing them tomorrow. We had a break for two months. I really need to speak to them all again, I miss them all so much.

    No, we don't see each other outside of drama. They all live on the other side of melbourne.

    - Nik

  18. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    15 February 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hope your day is going well with your drama friends...

    ... maybe later you could tell me all about it?

  19. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    18 February 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    It was ok. Cornflakes gave me a hug when he saw me, and i gave him my thank you letter with a hand drawn picture I had made him. He was pretty happy with that. He gave me the donuts he had gotten from his work to give to my dad, and then told me he had organised a bunch of his friends, his girlfriend to all go on the mental health walk to support me, which is super nice and i can't believe he actually did that for me.

    We got our scripts (our performances has moved a week or so earlier, so we need to get into rehearsals earlier, and start practicing our script), We are doing the jungle book and Aesop's fables.

    We did a get to know you game, which I absolutely hate every time we do it.

    I had a mental breakdown because I don't think I deserve to be in the level of acting that I am because I am a rubbish actor.

    I gave eclair her valentines gift. Then I ran away.

    - Nik

  20. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    5 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    I have an issue.

    Cornflakes thinks I should see a doctor for my eating issues, but I disagree. I don't think there's anything wrong with what I am doing.

    Should I see a doctor anyway, to see if Cornflakes is right?

    - Nik

  21. Aaronsis
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    5 March 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hey Nik

    I know that you don't want to hear this and that you do not believe that you have a concern with your current weight, however, from what we have talked about in the past with your weight and your height I feel like cornflakes and I both share the same concern.

    I think it would be a great idea to go to the doctor, to see what they say. Just a question though, if you know that cornflakes has worry for you isn't this enough? He is a dear friend to you and just like me, has your best interest at heart, do you need to hear that your weight is an issue from a doctor?

    I know you do restriction and things like that I don't want to make this harder or upset you in anyway but we have had this conversation before and I am so very worried about your relationship with food and with your body and I hope you can get some help with this as I want you to be healthy, and happy and live a full life.

    I hope you are not upset by what I have said here as it is coming from a place of care.

    Huge hugs Nik

    Sarah xx

  22. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    5 March 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey,

    Rest assured, I am not upset.

    Cornflakes knows I disagree with him about the weight, and he wanted me to get a third party in, to see who was right, so that's why I sent a post. I guess now I know he was right all along. It's just sometimes hard to believe him when I can't see what he is talking about.

    Sure, I have a really bad relationship with food (which I see as the enemy) and my body (which I hate so much).

    How do I gain the courage to talk to a doctor about this? What do I say to my parents? I really don't want them to know what's going on, because last time they knew I was doing this they only made things worse (i understand they try, but they don't understand enough, and they don't listen to what I need. They tend to just threaten me with punishments if i don't eat food, that it makes me feel as if I have done something extremely bad, and that I am a horrible kid, instead of making me feel understood. In fact, I feel as if their focus is misplaced. Most of the time they focus on the fact that I lie to them, then the fact that I'm really hurting on the inside.) I want help, but I don't want my parent's involved.

    What can I do?

    - Nik

  23. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    16 November 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hey,
    Why does it feel as if I'm not happy enough for what I have in life? I have all these new friends and friendship groups and yet I find myself slipping back into sadness whenever I'm alone, or even when I'm with people. I ruin people's days because of it. Because I just get randomly sad and spend a lot of nights crying and reading over all messages and cards from friends. Like I just want someone to care about me.

    Like, I feel selfish. I have things so much better than I used to. I have multiple friends I can hang out with whenever I need, and a best friend who I can talk to about anything, and have even started hanging out with outside of school. But sometimes I just feel really sad. I want to be happy and I want to love life.

    Why can't I?

    I really want to be happy, accept myself, love myself. But I can't and I don't feel like I'm living my life to my full potential. There's so much I want to do now that I want my life. Why am I so sad? I don't wanna be sad. I want to be happy!

    - Nik

  24. Aaronsis
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    17 November 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik

    It is really lovely to chat to you again and even though I can hear how much you are questioning your happiness and why you are not happy, that you are feeling so sad and you are crying each night and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this really confusing time. I can hear some really positive things too, like how you do have friends and that you are apart of a friendship group, that you do want to have wonderful happy experiences and a full life, this is really awesome Nik and it is so far from where you were when we have spoken in the past.

    See, the old brain is a funny thing and even though you do have all these great things in your life, that you "should" feel happy about and you "should" feel grateful for but you just don't, you just dont feel happy and you do spend time crying and wondering why. I know you are struggling with the idea of seeing a GP or getting some professional help but maybe it is time to get some assistance with these feelings, see it is not always as easy as making external changes and having everything be "perfect" in life, therefore I "should" be happy, sometimes it is internal factors that need some help too.

    You have had so much on your plate and I am so very proud of you for how far you have come, to read that things mostly are going well for you and you see no reason why you should be crying at night and feeling alone and like you are not enough. I want you to see how far you have come from when we chatted in the first few posts and how things were pretty rough with friends and feeling like you didn't have anyone but cornflakes, I feel like things are different now?

    We care about you Nik and I am very sure that your friends do care about you too. What do you need from them to help you to see that they do care? Maybe this is something to think about and maybe address what these things are that would help you to know that they do care about you too.

    Hugs to you Nik and it is really lovely to chat to you some more and hear how you are going.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  25. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    17 November 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey,

    Thank you for your reply. :)

    I know things have come far, and I am very grateful that it is this way, and I want to be proud of myself. And I remember when I only had cornflakes to help me, and now I have all these people and no cornflakes. His name has changed to Beef Jerky cause he is being a jerk to me and that is my coping mechanism towards it.

     

    Anyway, that's not the point. What do I need from them to help me feel as if they do care? I don't know. I kinda just want to be reminded how much they love and care about me, but most importantly I want to believe it. I want to fully believe my best friend, P, when she tells me she loves me.

     

    Things are very different now. There's this bunch of guys, and while they can be loud and weird, and just like teenage boys can be sometimes, they include me more than they used to, because I have a bit more confidence and most importantly I try to talk to them. I have a best friend, who I love and have started to hang out with outside of school and we are actually planning to go out to lunch together. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I get so jealous when she laughs with other people, like she's gonna leave me for them and then I feel like I get too overprotective and take it the wrong way. I plan to talk to her about it and let her know what's going on, cause we are very open. I just want to tell her I have trouble trusting people because of cornflakes and others, and if I come of as angry or blunt, that's why and I don't mean to be that way, I just love her a lot. I have some other friends that I used to walk around with at lunch, but one of them is on holidays at the moment. And I'm starting to realise how much my drama friends have been there for me and how much I misunderstood and didn't appreciate them enough and I know try my hardest to. B and I have a great texting relationship about her Minecraft obsession and I love how easy it is for her to send messages of herself to me and we can just laugh.

     

    And see, while all these good things are happening, whenever I'm alone I feel sad, and whenever I hang around too many people I get tired easily and need to be alone to get my energy back. It feels like an endless cycle. Happiness and sadness. And sometimes I feel like my depression is coming back, and I try so hard to keep it at bay, because I don't need it right now.

     

    - Nik

  26. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5742 posts
    17 November 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik,

    as I looked at your latest post I was reminded of a story my psychologist told me. Well, perhaps not quite a story but it relates to the ups and downs with our moods...

    our mental health goal might be to get to the top of the mountain - that is when everything is back to "normal" or "cured". I tend to think of the mountain as perhaps having no tip, but that is my mountain. Sometimes we might have to go through a valley in order to find a better path to the top of the mountain. It might not, or is not fun to have to go through the valley, but knowing there will also be a point when we will go up again out of that valley means we are on our way again... You have not gone down to the ground and still on the journey to the top. (And for me, as long as I am moving forward I have not stopped.)

    I hope that helps a little.

  27. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    18 November 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hey,

    I mean, that makes sense, I just don't understand why I get sad. I don't need to be sad. In a way, and using your scenario, it's like I'm going up the mountain; things are getting better, but my emotions are staying the same. So while I'm improving, I'm also not.

    But you are right, I want to be normal, and maybe I wont get there. But I shouldn't be sad for the rest of my life whenever I'm alone, right? Or is this as good as I'm going to get. Happy on the outside, but still feeling like I'm missing something on the inside, like something isn't right.

    Or maybe I'm just overanalysing everything, and it's normal to be sad half the time and happy the other half. If I'm being honest, it's almost like a mood swing; random and sudden. But it feels like my depression and I don't understand it.

    I should be grateful that I've moved up he mountain and become better than last year and it'll sound stupid if I say this, but I wish someone would just say they are proud of me. Cornflakes in particular. But of course, he never will. And I know that I should be proud of myself, and learn to be proud of myself. But for some reason I can't and just wish others would say it. Once, a girl told me she was glad I was eating again, and it really really made my day. More than she'll ever know.

    - Nik

  28. Aaronsis
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    19 November 2020 in reply to ~Nik~

    Hi Nik

    It is great to get an update on the people in your life and how things change, that is one thing that it really true in life and more so when we are young, people flow in and out of our lives and this is not necessarily a bad thing. As we grow and change so do others and we find we don't mesh with those anymore and then we find new people that come into our lives and mesh perfectly. I think it is kind of exciting, to meet new people and to learn new things, and as you are finding with your new friend you have a wonderful connection and are able to be open and to chat about all sorts of things.

    Just a little reminder, P has no reason to tell you she cares if in fact she does not. Also her actions will speak louder than words so notice that too. It is hard to trust and to believe but P has nothing to gain by making up how she values your friendship so while I know it is hard to believe and to accept, if her actions are showing you she is a caring friend I would accept her words and her actions. If you need to hear from her more often as some reassurance as to her friendship and her care for you you could just simply say to her "thank you for your friendship" or " thank you for being my friend", and let her talk and this is sometimes how we can get some extra validation from time to time.

    I noticed too when I was younger that boys to provide a very different environment in a friend circle to what girls do, it is very interesting and I also found it more comfortable to hang with the boys than with the girls. We are all so different and yet all very similar, and at times when we are trying to find where we fit and who is in our tribe and understand ourselves it can be so hard to feel like we do fit anywhere, you are doing so well Nik and I am proud of you.

    I hope you have had a great day and are enjoying this stunning sunshine.

    Chat soon to you,

    Hugs

    Sarah

  29. ~Nik~
    ~Nik~ avatar
    94 posts
    21 November 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey,

    I went to a nice café with P (I wanna think of a food name. Peppermint keeps coming to my mind, I think I'm gonna use that) today, which was great, still half anxious that she thinks I'm a weirdo and doesn't actually want to be around, but I am way more comfortable around her, then I'll ever be around cornflakes. He terrifies me these days.

    The guys I hang out with can be really weird, but at least some of them know my name now.

    What I'm honestly scared about is what if nobody truly cares about me and sooner or later they'll move to someone better? I don't want to lose anymore people, I'm still struggling with the loss of cornflakes and while it still hurts, it doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time it happened.

    I saw him a week ago. I was too nervous to function properly. I wanted to show him how much I had improved, but the mere existence of him there made me nervous and scared, I could barely eat, and while I wanted him to be there, I also automatically wanted him gone. I didn't want him there. Not the way he is now. I want the old him there, and I was hoping my mind had made up the change, but I wasn't wrong. He's different and terrifying. A lot of people don't understand why I am scared of him after all of what he did for me.

    I guess the easiest way to explain it is that he's unpredictable at the moment. I have no idea what he's going to say, how he is going to react, what he is going to do, and that unknown part scares me.

    Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I wish more people said it. Cause it makes me realise that it's a good thing I recovered, and that even though all these bad things happened at the exact time I began to recover, it was a coincidence and it didn't mean anything.

    Perhaps I will be dealing with mental health my whole life. But I hope I can beat it eventually.

    - Nik

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