ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

 

 

hi Nellym, thanks for posting your comment, because the same happened to me, I also had the police come knocking on the door and at that stage was living by myself, my wife had moved out as she had done a few times, and was taken to hospital.
The only way she found out was because she was contacted by police or hospital, I don't know.
When situations like this go unplanned, it pulls you back into being a recluse, it hiberants you even more, but this is not what you should do, if your psych is away for 2 more weeks, doesn't mean you should be by yourself, it's easy to do this, I know, but you need to talk with someone who cares for you, whether it's The Salvo's, your local community centre who do have social workers and who will listen to you or you could even go to Anglicare, who I often mention on the site, they were fantastic to me when I was at rock bottom.
You don't have to say that the last 2 days have been hell, I have been there myself just as any other people know what it feels like, and only those who have been there know what it's like, it's horrendous.
I know how you are feeling, but could you please keep talking with us, you will be safe by doing this and hope very much that you will do this. Geoff.

Thanks for the reply Geoff,

I don't think I could sit down and talk to anyone at the moment. My trust has plummeted now and it seems easier to keep it inside for now. That way I am not affecting the people around me who don't understand what I am going through anyway.

I am just trying to take it day by day and sometimes even hour by hour at the moment. My life has gotten to a point where I feel like it won't get any better.

Reaching out for help just makes things worse.

Dear Nellym~

I'm sorry for what happened to you. You are not the first to come across this problem. Just reading how this has affected you with police on the doorstep and a very strong feeling of breach of trust shows the harm. Your reluctance to come forward again is perfectly understandable and frankly I'd feel much the same myself.

I've looked at your other threads:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Hard Times
Forums / Treatments, health professionals and therapies / PSYCHOLOGIST and MYSELF????

Someone with PTSD often has hyper-vigilance and distrust as symptoms anyway and I guess this will have only reinforced those feelings.

It will have been a shock to your husband, particularly as he did not get to find out as you intended. I can see finding there is a whole world he does not know about with the suicidal feelings of someone very close would have been deeply unsettling.

I doubt he knows what to say or do. People are frightened to talk as it might push their loved one 'over the edge'.

Why not ask him to have a look at this on talking abut it:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-suicide/having-a-conversation-with-someone-you%27re-worried-about

I"ll also suggest you get him to help you fill in the BeyondNow app from this website, it is a useful tool in its own right, and if presented to him in the right spirit may help reassure him.

I'm sure sections of the medical fraternity will condone the chat room operator's reaction. Pushing the panic button can seem the best thing to do on the basis that they may be saving a life - irrespective of the consequences. If they do not have sufficient experience or have poor judgment then overuse of this tactic ends up with someone completely alienated alienated for no good reason - as you are.

I'm glad the police officers showed sense and left matters alone after talking to you.

Whatever chat room staff are like, here in the Forum you will find people that understand and have had the same sort of experiences. Also have lived though and coped with PTSD, anxiety and related disorders (I'm one).

In relation to seeking help via the phone, even though it requires more privacy perhaps you might find it easier to use a help line rather than text chat as actual speech may leave less room for misunderstandings.

I hope you can settle things with your husband. Please feel free to talk here as much as you'd like

Croix

Dear Nellym

This was a huge shock to you and your family. Being concerned about your safety is reasonable and it must have been a hard situation for that moderator. Calling the police seems an over the top reaction in this situation and has certainly had a dreadful effect on you.

In the meantime, until your psych returns, you need to take care of yourself, in particular your mental health. I do understand how hard it feels to talk to someone you don't know. Instead of that how do you feel about writing all this down. It will give you an outlet for your distress and you may like to show it to your psych n ext time you meet. I am presuming you have a good relationship with your psych. Doesn't matter if you keep it private, it will help you regain your composure and the panic attacks will reduce.

I know about panic attacks. They are the pits and they bounce into your life without so much as a "Please excuse". The effects can last some time after the panic has gone.

No one here is judging you or telling you what to do. We are here simply to support you and sometimes we tell you about our experiences as I did in the previous sentences. In general people can talk more easily to others who have been through the same or similar events because we know how it feels. If you feel like having a vent please do so. We will be here when you need us.

Mary

Dear Nellym~

I wanted to add to what I said to you in my previous post. Here I'm not judging or excusing, or even saying the below applies in your case, merely making a general observation. As I said I'd most definitely feel from what you said that this reaction was unnecessary and made your life, and that of your husband, harder.

I can however see there might be something one might not think of when seeking help.

Medical professionals are tasked with saving life, and in some circumstances that can override the wishes of the person concerned, and I think most of us can accept that. Those who staff A&E, emergency help lines, web-chat services and so on are themselves human with their own fears and worries. As you can see here in this Forum not everyone can cope with the death of another, or if they do it is not easy and can leave a mark for life.

As a result the decision when to press the panic button can be a difficult and heavy responsibility, and there may well be a tendency to err on the side of caution.

Perhaps this episode might have some benefit in the long term if you become closer to your husband and have an understanding ally to support you in the future.

What do you think?

Croix

Leaving professional procedures and ethics to one side when one contacts a medical professional in A&E, on a help line, web-chat chat or elsewhere it is quite easy to think of them just being part of the 'medical system' and overlook the fact that they are human too.

Here in this Forum and throughout everywhere else are many people that have not been able to cope or have not coped well with the death of another. For someone that may be faced with this possibility on a frequent basis there may well be a natural tendency to react more hastily .

Thanks Crox and Mary for you replies,

I understand that they thought they were doing the right thing, unfortunately it has just set me back a long way. I was struggling beforehand and this has just made it worse.

I think in the future I just won't reach out for help - that way I won't be put in that situation again.

Dear Nellym

Thanks for writing in. I hope you will continue to talk to us and do not leave in case we turn out to be like the other forum. I very much doubt that is the case. If you have not already done so would you read the Community Rules. Look under Get Support and go down to Online Forums then across to Community Rules. This will explain how Beyond Blue forums are moderated. As you can appreciate we get some dodgy posts here, not necessarily discussing suicide but other life events which may distress someone reading them.

I suggest you have a look at the different forums on BB to see what others write about and how they phrase their comments. It's not about shutting anyone up or calling the local police. It's about respecting the other people who post in here. There are posts about self harm and they are always a concern both for the moderators and those who reply. We try very hard to help and support people who are in a very dark place.

We do understand that self harm is a coping mechanism and although we would like you to find other ways of distracting yourself it does not mean an immediate call to the cops. I will never forget the sight of a young man on my train to work, sitting on the seat in front of me and harming himself. It really was horrible and all I could do is tell him to stop doing it. I think it was made worse because like the rest of the world I had heard on my radio of the planes crashing into the two towers on 9/11.

So tell us if your life is a mess, talk about the help you are getting from your psychologist, tell us about your family. In short talk about anything and everything you want to chat about. We cannot answer in real time because this forum is not set up for this, but we will answer. And so long as your posts stay within the guidelines you will not have police officers knocking on your door. Is it a deal?

OK here is a bit about me. Separated from my husband after 30 years of marriage, four children and eight grandchildren. I have retired from paid work but have several volunteer roles. I go to church, enjoy various crafts such as knitting, sewing clothes for my grandchildren, or at least those who are not old enough to prefer to buy their clothes. I enjoy embroidery and gardening but these days I have someone come in to do the heavy lifting. I meditate and am a member of the local meditation group and a local book club. I lead a pretty full life.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Mary

Dear Nellym~

We understand exactly how it has set you back and the massive loss of trust. Mary has offered you what we have to give, not real face to face contact, but genuine, how could it not be, we have both been right down.

The other thing is at the moment you have control over you actions. I remember a time when I suddenly thought I really did not. I could have taken my life and not been here as a result. If you are near that stage don't be put off, please seek help anyway, the cr*p in hospital, lack of control and all may almost be a relief.

How one thinks of things changes, and better feelings can come unexpectedly.

All I can do is say that Mary, I and others are here for you, we understand and care

Croix

Hi Mary and Croix,

Thanks for your words. I just think it will take me a long time to build that trust back up.

But what's done is done and I can't change what has happened so just need to move on. I will just be careful about what and how I write things. Today I actually got out of the house for awhile so will take that as a win.

Hopefully the next few days will be better than the last few and that I can put all this mess in the past.

Nell

Hello Nellym

Sadly we cannot change the past but I suppose another way of looking at this is think what would happen if you could change the past. That may lead to a more disastrous future. I won't say forget the past because that is clearly useless. Be aware of your past and learn its lessons but don't let it control your future actions.

I hope you can move on and put the crap in the WPB (waste paper basket). Then start again here. Do not worry about trust, just start with the small things and go from there.

Mary

This feels sort of familiar. I haven't had police intervention thankfully but I have trust issues as it is with friends and loved ones breaking up with me, mistreating me, abandoning me, etc. But on top of that, I have this worry about who to tell my thoughts and issues to and what might happen from there.

Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts and have come close a couple of times in the last couple of months. No, that does not exactly mean I am going to do something about it. I know people, even mental health professionals mean well but it can be hard to feel truly honest with what's going on without worrying that they'll misinterpret what you're saying or go a bit overboard or even get it to the stage where certain people might find out about your poor mental state, (EG: ex girlfriends) whom you are not comfortable with knowing this information. It can make you feel very uncomfortable and wary on speaking out. It is really frustrating.

Thanks for the replies

It is frustrating and I have lost all trust now and don't think it will come back. I'll just put on my 'fake smile' and tell people that "I am fine". That's what they want to hear anyway. They don't want to hear what is really happening.

It's easier if I just stop talking to people and keep it to myself. That way I can't hurt the people around me again.

Dear Nellym

You sound like me in the past. I also said I would trust no one and would keep my problems to myself. And it works for a while. Yes, we need to be careful who we confide in but not put everyone in the same untrustworthy basket. As I said above, don't look at the big picture just concentrate on the day to day events in the bottom left hand corner and go with that.

I had a quick look back at the posts but there is no reference about you seeing a counsellor of some sort. Do you go to someone? I hope it is helpful.

Mary

Hi Mary,

I see a psychologist weekly and am booked into see a psychiatrist early Oct. Unfortunately my psychologist is away for 2 weeks so cannot tell him all that happened.

Hello Nellym

The one bad thing about seeing MH professional is that they insist on having holidays. Two weeks can seem like an eternity when you feel very down. I saw my psychiatrist last week. She is now on holiday because she has children. So it will be three weeks between appointments instead of one. Add to that my GP is going away for several months, which is a habit she has got into during the past few years. I really depend on her so it's probably good to manage on my own.

You can practice trust with us here. We cannot tell anyone about you because your whereabouts are unknown. Also it may help to practice these things and we can be your sounding board. Did I suggest writing a journal of sorts? I always found that useful when I felt particularly down. I re-read them a couple of years and had a bit of a giggle about some of the entries. The psych I had then used to fall asleep while I was talking. Such an ego boost.

Total trust is hard to give again but can you consider trusting someone in small things? It may be the way to go. As ever only what you want and choose to do.

Mary

I changed psychologists a couple months ago because the last one was in his 80's and often fell asleep. Nice guy but never had much to offer than being a sounding board. When someone falls asleep on you in your most vulnerable need for help, it's just SO horrible.

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply. I will try and start trusting people again, but I think I will take baby steps and see how I go. I had to laugh a bit about your psych falling asleep. Must have made for interesting sessions. Hopefully the one you see now stays awake!

Nell

Hi Nelly. I'm curious how things have been since your first post with your partner. Has he been more understanding, is he still the same? Obviously that is one support that would go a long way to helping in this hard time.

Hi Sad Puppy Dog,

My partner is still a bit freaked out with the whole thing. I am trying to look at it from his point of view and how scary it must have been for him. I contact lifeline in a moment of distress the other night and had a really good talk to someone about all of this, which has helped a bit.

I have tried to let him know that I am ok, but I think I am trying to act as happy and normal as possible around him which has been exhausting and making my anxiety worse.

I haven't told him yet about my past traumas. That will happen in the psychologist's office. After what I tell him happened to me, he will need more support than I can give him.

Unfortunately it was just really shitty timing with this happening and the psychologist going on holidays!

I am just taking it hour by hour at the moment and taking baby steps along the way. That is all I can manage for now.

Nell

Hello Nellym

I get the part about taking things one hour at a time. At the worst part of my depression that was all I could manage. Even trying to look further was impossible. My daughter told me "Baby steps mom, baby steps". She was hugely supportive. Sometimes I was asked to do something in the future, like next day or even worse, next week and I would get in a tizz.

So keep your eye on the spot in front of you and shuffle forward. Sometimes that is not only the best we can do, it's also the safest.

Remember you can phone BB 24/7. The number is 1300 22 4636 There is another help line that gives you more time. It's the Suicide Call Back Service. Don't let the name put you off. They do offer counselling but more to the point they can stay longer with you on the phone. It's also a 24/7 number 1300 659 467.

May I suggest you stop acting as though there is nothing wrong. As you say it is exhausting and may trigger another panic attack. If you are tired then rest, if you want to out then do so, you get the picture. You are going through an horrendous time, being considerate of others is nice but you need the support. Please look after yourself first and if necessary tell your partner why you are doing this.

Have you looked at the information here on BB? Browse through it all and download what you want. Your BF may be interested in reading some of this to help him understand what is going on.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Thanks for that, you have very sound advice!

I know I need to stop pretending like everything is ok and it is adding to my distress, but I think at this stage if I told my partner especially since my psychologist is on holidays than it would be worse. I couldn't handle the questions he would ask. I know it's not ideal but I think it is the best outcome as this stage from a really crappy situation.

Lifeline were good and promised me they wouldn't call the police with letting me know first, so will ring them again if I need too.

I have looked at the info on BB, and read through the ones on anxiety, depression and PTSD. I hadn't thought of passing it onto him, that might be a good idea.

I will see how tonight goes, hopefully I get some more sleep than the last few nights. My body/brain must be ready to cave in soon.

Nell

To anyone out there,

I need some help. The last three days have been hell and I am not sleeping. Last night I didn't get any sleep. I can't clear my mind and my normal coping strategies are not working. My past traumas won't leave my head and I feel so helpless at the moment. Last night was bad. My safety plan didn't work, I ended up doing bad things and got really upset. I need to speak to my psychologist but I cannot get in contact with him as his on holidays.

My anxiety levels are high and I just feel distressed all the time. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I just want it all to go away, just for awhile, so I can get some relief.

Hi Nellym. We spoke briefly last night in the Cafe. Shared a peppermint tea around midnight in fact.

Sorry to read that you've not been getting any sleep. Lack of sleep certainly takes a toll. It sounds as though your PTSD symptoms have been triggered recently. Is it an anniversary or something for you around now? I know for me anniversaries are a really big thing. I totally understand your issues with trust - as Croix has said, a loss of trust generally comes hand in hand with PTSD. Along with everything else of course.

Its most unfortunate with everything thats happened for you over the past week, that your regular psych is away. Do you have a local counsellor that you may be able to speak with in his absence? I realise it isnt ideal to have to talk through past trauma's with a new person, and it may in fact defeat the purpose. But it could be beneficial for you to have someone to speak to face to face right now. Even if it is just to discuss your feelings and emotions and to possibly go through some additional coping strategies for you.

Other things you can try, if you havent already - meditation, yoga, mindfulness, grounding techniques, listening to music, exercise, colouring in, arts and crafts. I know it all sounds very 'ordinary', but sometimes those ordinary things are just what is needed.

I am also wondering if you have had any specific trauma therapy with your psych as yet? I am not sure at what point you are at with your psych sessions. How long have you been suffering from PTSD for? For me, its now over 21 years. There are successful therapies to help reduce symptoms and help us to better manage the symptoms. Worth trying in future, if you havent already.

Or ... if you just need an understanding ear in which to bash ........ I'm very happy to listen. And I may be able to offer some helpful advice along the way.

Sherie

Hi Sherie,

Thanks for responding. I think it is a build up from last week when the police came to my house. And it has just snowballed from there. I tried to get into see someone else at the same place where my psychologist works, but they were all booked out.

It has only been going on for about 4 months now and probably only been seeing the psychologist for 3 months, so everything is still so new. We have mainly been working on how to try and make the flashbacks and panic attacks not as intense. Made up a safety plan all that sort of thing. Haven't even got to trauma therapy yet. I am booked into see a psychiatrist but not till mid October.

It feels like everything is a waiting game. I can't function properly and I just do the bare minimum everyday so know one knows how bad I really am.

Nell

Hello Nell

Sorry for not replying earlier. I know those bad nights. Excuse me for repeating myself but would you consider phoning the Suicide Call Back Service in future. The staff there have a lot of training and are very good when we fall into such dreadful holes as these. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au copy this link into your browser and check out their website. You will get immediate support which we cannot do.

When I said don't keep your mask on I did not mean tell your partner. Let yourself be tired or cranky (well a little bit😊), or not feel up to cooking a meal. I do worry about you and I want you to be safe and not do those distracting and destructive actions. Talking is always better.

It looks like you need to review your safety plan. When does your psych return? Do you have an appointment with him/her soon? If not phone and ask for an appointment immediately he returns. I know how long the road seems and how dark. Keep shuffling forward until you can take steps. It's so hard to listen to someone giving suggestions when you are smothered in the dark. I get any closer. Remember if you can there is a huge group of people who want you to get well. This includes everyone who has answered you and others who look at your posts and use them to help themselves.

Mary

Hi Mary,

thanks for your response. I did check out that website and am going to call them if I get to the point of losing control again.

I don't think I can tell my husband everything unless I have my psych sitting next to me. We have discussed this already but he doesn't think I am ready for it and neither do I.

I have got an appointment with my psych first week in October when he returns, so still seems a long way off. So I will use my safety plan for now and just add SCBC into it and see how I go. Thanks for your concern and thoughts. Hopefully tonight is a better night than last night

Hello Nell

I hope you had a better night. Amazing how much better we feel after a decent night's sleep.

No don't tell your husband any thing until you are comfortable with the thought. Talking in your psych's office will be good. I'm glad your psych is letting you take things slowly. Rushing through anything often means it has not been examined properly. Just try to relax a little around other people.

Glad you have somewhere safe to phone if it all goes bad.

Mary

Thanks Mary for your reply,

Had a bit of a turn yesterday afternoon and recovered from that, but about 3am this morning got really bad. Won't go into details, just not good. Safety plan didn't work and did end up calling SCBC. Probably should have called them an hour earlier but didn't.

Had a really good long chat to them which helped a lot. I explained what had happened with the police and they said they wouldn't call anyone which made me relax a bit and let me open up to them a bit more.

It wasn't a miracle fix and I still feel like crap, but at least I kept myself safe and I know I can contact them again if I feel that way again.

So new day today, sun is shining, and I am going to make myself get out of the bloody house!!

Nell

That is fantastic. Not that you became a little unsteady but because you took steps to help yourself. That's how you know you are on the right road. Trying to manage on your own is next to impossible.

You have made my day already and it's only 10:00 am.

Calling the SCBS is a huge leap. Sadly no one can 'cure' us in a few minutes but they do provide a great service when we are the most vulnerable. Now you can get help more easily when you fall down that rabbit hole.

The sun is shining here AND I have got the washing on the line. Woo-hoo! I too need to get out of the house. Thanks for telling me.

Mary