I'm sorry if I concerned anyone.

I am not ok but I am safe for now and still here. Having to deal with the consequences of my actions from the last few days.

Hi Nellym,

I am really glad to hear you are safe. I just wanted to let you know that we are here and listening. You are not alone.

Having a period of really high emotion and distress can be so exhausting. Be kind to yourself. I hope you are able to find some rest and healing moments tonight.

Nurse Jenn

Dear Nelly

I am so happy you are safe. This forum is a good place to write about your feelings and ask questions. So many of us have been in that place and we do understand how much you hurt no matter how different the circumstances.

Never a need to apologise, we only want your safety. When you feel ready we are here to listen to you. Thank you for your reply.

Mary

Hi Nellym and everyone 😊

Not under these circumstances at all hun but it's good to see you ☺

I know you've done it hard for a long time Nell which makes it so incredibly hard isnt it to be able to see any positives or remember happier times.
Even just one memory or something one day you'd like to do hun it gives you a little spark of hope for more goods or incentive to achieve.

Something encouraging which I hope can give you some light darl is the last time we spoke here your life was starting to turn for the better.

I know you're very low atm and for that I really am sorry it's so hard for sure but it can improve again.

I'm glad you have some supports and hopefully hubby is understanding more. Wondered if it might be easier to write to him, that way theres no interruptions when convo goes off track maybe anger and emotions rule.
It could work as a good release for you airing it out.
You can here too but I know you tend not too.
That's ok ☺ your choice hun we're still here and you have some excellent support. I'm so glad. Amazing people here as you know.

Nell the yrs and pain you've endured would be a waste of time and effort if you give up hun.
You're still here for a reason.
You're strength is what's kept you here. It's what will keep you here too. It gets buried in pain but when we look for it it is still there lovey

Please look after yourself Nell and believe in yourself.
We have tremendous power at our disposal

🌱 new beginnings

I have lost another support person. They cut the DBT program I am doing. Money is more important to them then our mental health. Its telling me what I already know. That I am not important or worthy enough of their help.

Why even bother any more. Just as I was getting used to this support and telling them about my past trauma it is snatched away again. What am I meant to do now? Find someone else and start all over again. I can't do that, it is too painful.

I have lost control. I want it to all stop. The pain is overwhelming. I have nothing left to give.

Hi Nellym,

We are sorry to hear about your current situation and recognise how frustrating it must be to lose another support person. Please know that your wellbeing is important to us and we would like to support you in finding supports that assist you in moving forward. We acknowledge how much strength it takes to share your journey and experiences of trauma with others and can’t imagine how hurt and disappointed you must be feeling. It would be great to have you check back in to let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. If you would like more immediate support, please feel free to give our Support Service a ring on 1300 22 4636. Our community is here to help you through this.
 

Dear Nellym hey ☺

I'm sorry hearing you lost a support hun. It can take so long getting onto good help and it's for sure hard

When I met you maybe 3 ish yrs ago I dont think you had this support then. At that time I know it felt that absolutely nothing can or would change.
It did though Nells and for the better which can happen again.

It's a frightening miserable place feeling that its all pointless, such a drag and incredibly hard work.
It is but we can't let that dictate our lives hun

I really have always felt bad for you struggling constantly and so much pain.

It's taken a long time too for me to get good help.
I was taught here and also bought up to appreciate & be grateful for what I have in life that depression completely smothers.
It's helped me no end which might you too lovey. Our depressed minds sway us to only see the hards.

• This support you had was really good.

• You unloaded some of your pain

• You started to lift a bit

That gave you some hope and light.
Both are still there and worth fighting for Nells.

This is easy enough for me to say but the answers Yes Nell... that's exactly what you do have to do love, keep going. Find some one else and release that pain. It would hurt so much you poor darlin 💗 and it also hurts and constantly eats at you and pulls you down all the time being locked in.

I know so well that feeling there's nothing left in the tank.
Doesn't feel like there is and it may not be much but it's there.

It's all about energy.

When we've had enough rest and sleep we're at our strongest.
Vice versa with not enough.

Our mind & bodies try to lift us.

Our energy focuses on our pain sapping us more because we're roar and weakened by tiredness.

Nell you've survived this long because you have the strength.

You survived when you didn't have the support.
You would have gained from that even if subconciously.

Please don't give up on yourself as we won't either. You've been through way too much to not have the chance at a better life.

If talkings too hard on the phone this is a text service.
Between 6pm and 10pm run by Suicide service. (Legit I checked it out).

Talk to you again Nelly 💗

Dear Nell

I am so sorry to learn how tough your life is getting again. It is hard to have support removed when you were getting on so well. I cannot understand why funding gets cut in this fashion. Be assured you are not worthless, you are in fact very worthwhile. You are important in the world because there is only one you. You are unique.

Keep talking to us and use the SCBS as often as you need. They are such great people to talk to and can offer you help. Remember every time you have thought you cannot go on you have found the way and strength to manage. I know it's hard. I was there so often myself but there is a way out, truly there is. Every time you manage gives you more strength to make another step forward and the memory that you have done it before and got through.

I know words can feel they are not enough but think of everyone here as holding your hand.

Mary

I just need to vent.

had my psychologist appointment today and my husband decided he wanted to come into the session. Despite me saying I didn't want him in there, he decided he was coming anyway. He doesn't like my psychologist and thinks he is not helping me. he pretty much said this to my psych. If he had his way then I would be seeing a different psych. I am so upset and mad. I really needed today to talk to my psych but hubby took up most of the session.

I am so close to breaking point that I can not cope any longer. Everything seems to be going wrong lately and hubby wants to control everything. He wants me to talk to him more and guilts me into talking to him. Its not as if I do it on purpose to him. I feel guilty enough about what I am putting him and the kids through without him adding to my guilt.

I want out of this life. I want to leave and never return. Its like I have emotional overload and cannot get a rest from anything. The only time my brain gets a rest is when I sleep. And even then, I am plagued by nightmares.

Sorry for the rant.

Dear Nell hi ☺ and everyone 🖐

Dah what a shame he insisted on going when you needed to talk to the psych one on one.

Poor thing feeling as you do, it's very hard trying to hold up when there's such weight pulling you down.

Btw lovey please never feel bad about " having a rant" in your words ☺ that's exactly what your thread and here's for.

I imagine this has been spoken about before but have you tried writing your feelings out Nell, doesnt have to be here but it can give a sense of release which you certainly need by the sounds.

Something else I imagine could be very difficult but certainly worth the effort and a good feeling after is to try even if just a short walk in the sunshine out of the house, sun has a great deal of healing and is proven to help along with exercise with depression.

Feel for you having nightmares. When you wake try to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you're here in the now and safe.

My thoughts if you're happy with this psych best to stick with him. Might give your psych some good insight to your home life listening to hubby. Does hubby listen to you? Up to you if you want to reply to that.

Nells if you can at times to give your mind some freshness and temporary reprieve from pain if there's something in your life you've enjoyed like being at the beach, looking at the stars being in the water if you cast your mind to somewhere and focus on the light warmth of sun feeling on your skin and ignore for that time any negatives. We need a break from darkness all the time.

Nells you've survived this long hun under extreme circumstances. It doesnt feel as though you can I know but please keep going and try very hard to get ending out of your mind because the more you consider that a depressed mind will be more likely to give up.

Believe in yourself that you really do have in you what it takes to keep moving forward towards a better life. You're needed Nell and you deserve peace.

Vent anytime ⚘

Hello Nelly

Having a rant is good for you. You need to get it all off your chest and then move on. The trouble of course is that it leaves you feeling exhausted. I am sorry your husband insists on being with you when you attend the psychologist. Can you ask your psych to refuse your husband being in the room? I am unsure if this is possible but I think he needs both your consent and that of the psych. I also realise this may be difficult as it may cause friction with your husband.

Sorry I am not being more helpful. I think you may need to insist this is your consultation and if husband wants to talk to the psych he must arrange a separate consultation. May I ask why he wanted to be there and what he discussed? Not an in depth explanation but just in general. Did he want to know how you were going, how long it would take, how you both can talk to each other. I ask because it is your time with the psych and more importantly, your time to get some help.

You mentioned he does not like the psych. Do you know why? I gather you feel comfortable with him. Does husband want you to change psychs and who would choose the next one. These are all important issues to address and in the meantime you are missing out on therapy.

I am so sorry you feel so dreadful. Can you phone the SCBS? Please be open with them as I believe they can help you through this. You sound so confused and unhappy. I wish I could offer more tangible help.

Mary

My psych has told me he cant treat me anymore. I am beyond devastated. He was all I had left. My case is too complex for him and he is cutting back his hours. What am I meant to do now.

He recommended someone else but I cant get into see them for ages. I have gone from weekly sessions to nothing. No help, no hope, no more.

Hey Nelly ☺ and everyone

Wow that's hard hun. Very sorry to hear that.

I know it wouldnt be the same but maybe ringing here or lifeline could make the wait easier you poor thing.

You know you've always got here if you want to talk.

Don't know if writing out how you feel at home could give you some reprieve.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help but know I as others too care and are listening lovey.

Catch you later darl ⚘

A lot has happened since I was on last. I have lost so much.

DBT has finished and no more support there.

Psych gone and still trying to find a new one that is close and has space available

Another attempt, spent 4 weeks in hospital

Out reach are finding it hard to find someone in my area who can support me

Life is a living hell

Dear Nellym 🤗

Wow you poor darl it just keeps at you doesnt it.

I'm so sorry hearing of another attempt I know too well how it is being that low.

There's so much more help and availability needed out there. It's so incredibly hard isnt it.

Darl I'm wondering if you might be interested in Mindspot online. I highly recommend it. I imagine everythings one hell of an effort atm but this if you can push through might give you some light and help.

I'm truly sorry for your incredible pain.

I'll be keeping an eye out for you even if you just want to chat or me to talk about whatever for a change of thought pattern let me know if there's anything I can do that could lighten the load.

Well done keeping in touch. Always want to know how you're travelling.

Another hug if you like. You're not alone here hun.

Peace and light wished ⚘

Dear Nelly

I am sad to learn you are in such a bad way. How has your family reacted to your suicide attempt? You said earlier your husband wanted you to talk to him more. Have you been able to do this? He is the person on the spot and can help you immediately.

While you were in hospital did you see any mental health professionals? Probably sounds a silly question but if you were admitted to a general hospital they may not be any MH doctors. Can you clarify this please? The other reason for asking, and I hope you were treated by MH people, is can they either find a psychologist or psychiatrist for you or treat you via an outpatients clinic? At the moment these seem the most likely avenues of help.

You said your retiring psych recommended someone else but there was a long waiting list. I take it you did not make an appointment with this psychologist. If so it's a pity as you may well be seeing this person by now. Can you try again? Even a long wait is better than no one at all. The other alternative is to go to a psychiatrist and under the circumstances this may be a better option. You can see both a psychiatrist and psychologist at the same time. They work a little differently to each other which may well be of benefit to you. Can you see your GP and get a referral?

I know it's easy for me to make these suggestions and not so easy for you to work on them. I have to say I have been where you are and know how devastating it can be. I got through this by focusing on one short period of time and getting through that. Sometimes it was just one hour then the next. Sometimes one day and so on. The more distressed you feel the shorter the time to focus on.

It is baby steps and it can feel as though you are running on the spot achieving nothing. Not the case. Each time you manage and get through a time makes you stronger. Look back occasionally and see how far you have come. Not too many backward glances because it can be disheartening. Just occasionally.

Nelly, I may not always be able to respond to you straight away. I have a serious illness and in fact have just spent four days in hospital. I do get tired but I find writing here is as much a help to me as, hopefully, it is to others. I will post but not necessarily immediately. I hope you understand.

In the meantime please give yourself other supports such as the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 available 24/7. Use whatever is around.

Mary