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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Topic: I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

  1. Ghost 76
    Ghost 76 avatar
    103 posts
    20 May 2020
    Have you ever had that feeling... That feeling that you're just existing and not actually living?? That feeling that you're living in a dream, not really part of your life at all? Like you're a stranger living with people that you know is your family, but you feel so disconnected from everything and everyone?

    Do you ever question who you are? Who you might have been if someone didn't steal your innocence and childhood?

    It doesn't seem to matter how often I wash myself. I can't get rid of the feeling of being dirty. The shame and guilt never goes away. The questions are constant in my head... what if?? Was it something I said or did that made them think it's okay to do the things they did?? Is it something about me??

    I feel lost. I feel like I'm just fading away and sometimes I wish I could.

    It feels like I have no right to be here. I'm putting my family through hell and I swear, it's not intentional. But they suffer, because of what I'm going through. It doesn't seem fair. They never did anything wrong.

    I'm exhausted. Not just from lack of sleep, but just so incredibly tired and overwhelmed. So tired of nightmares and body memories.

    Sorry... my head is so full and so loud and it feels like it's going to explode.

    Ghost
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Ghost 76
    Hey Ghost76, thanks for checking back in with us on the forums.  We're sorry to hear how lost and exhausted you're feeling at the moment. How long have you been feeling like you've just been existing and not living? was there a time where you didn't feel like this? We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help to answer some of your questions. We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.
     
    In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 (https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and Suicide Call Back Service on1300 659 467.
     
    And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

    If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10382 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Ghost 76

    Dear Ghost

    I've had the sensation of being completely separated from everything, life, loved ones, work, and most importantly from myself. Living on the far side of a thick glass pane looking at myself and wondering. Not knowing if I was capable of anything, but also knowing it was my fault.

    I do not know if that is what you feel, perhaps there is some similarity. As this is a long term support area which anyone can read un-warned I"ll simply say I tried to take steps.

    My reasons, though partly trauma were different for yours.

    Trusting a psychiatrist or other therapist made all the difference for me though I'm still under treatment, but have come to the place where life is understandable and I can give -as well as receive.

    I have talked to my psych about how long to retirement and maybe no more meds/therapy, a bridge I think we will both negotiate together.

    You have been injured deeply by a cruel and selfish person and for some reason that makes everybody blame themselves and wonder ...

    Me included. I came to the conclusion I needed to be in control, and by my actions caused the injury - I was in control - even if unwise or did thngs without thinking of consequences.

    It's all rubbish if course. Not my control at all , s**t happens. If anyone is in control it is the injurer.

    You have been injured deliberately be another, can you see it is that?

    Can you understand what I'm going on about? If not sing out and I'll try to think of another way -you are brave and worth it.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to Ghost 76
    Dearest Ghost,

    What you write really resonates with me, although our stories are different, some of the echoes from our hurts reverberate similarly.

    We are here with you and we are listening with much care and concern for you.

    The angel-walrus Croix said it: you were injured deeply by a cruel and selfish person. It was not anything you said or did - they did this, and they were wrong.

    It hurts so much, that blame you place on yourself, because none of it makes any sense ... you blaming yourself is just clutching at trying to make sense of something that will never ever ever make sense.

    Have you been able to find a new therapist to talk to after the last dropped that it would be your last session?

    It makes absolute sense that your head feels a mess and ripe to explode, and you never need to apologise here - we are in your corner and care for you so much.

    Let us know how you're feeling, if you are up to it?

    Thinking of you heaps, and sending a big hug ❤

    🌻birdy xo
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Ghost 76
    Ghost 76 avatar
    103 posts
    23 July 2020
    Hi All you Wonderful People.

    Thanks for being so amazing. You guys are truly special and I appreciate you so much. I hope that you are doing well.

    I understand what you're saying Croix. People are terrible (not everyone, but most) and I don't understand why some of them do what they do...

    People do horrible things and other people suffer for tof their lives. That's why it's so hard to trust people!

    I don't know... it feels like this is never going to end. Just when I think that things are settling down, something else comes up!

    I don't think my marriage is going to survive this. I think I finally "broke" my partner. He's had enough and is taking about splitting up. He feels that he's got a right to know about my past, but I just can't talk to him about it. I can't even talk to my therapist about it! I don't know what to do...

    Take care of yourselves.

    Ghost 💚💛💚
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10382 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Ghost 76

    Dear Ghost

    I think you misunderstood a little

    Some people are cruel and selfish -very true. I did not say most because that does not match my experiences in a long life, even when a policeman.

    Yes when abused mentally or physically, it becomes hard to trust.

    I think from waht you have said before you value your marriage, and valuing means taking action to keep it. May your I suggest you simply get your therapist your last post, then get your hterapist to explain some very basic facts to your partner?

    To be chaned ot hte past and gagged

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10382 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Sorry, the internet posted before I finished, not even typos fixed - it happens. anyway to continue:

    To be gagged by the past to the extent you let the present go is a terrible thing, and it take sheer bravery to take just one step. Let that be it. there is no need for your therapist to go into detail with your husband, just emphasize the depth of your difficulties and point out you are opening up a fraction of your soul to keep the person you love.

    Maybe in time with kindness ans lack of pressure you will open up more.

    I eventually opened up to my partner about my suicide attempts and that I was just about to go again. It was a real weight lifted - a relief - and led in time to my being a different person. Mind you it was not all bravery, a lot of desperation in there too.

    I had eventually reached the stage where I told the whole story to someone, can you override the habits of a lifetime and try?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9091 posts
    24 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hello Ghost...🤗..

    Im sorry that it been such a struggle for you...I did ages ago post to you as our stories are so similar about our childhood...and often it triggered me..

    I just wanted to call in and say..that we can’t let them win..I suppose I’m lucky in one way that I don’t need nor want to talk to my elder brother...He contacted me a couple of years back to ask me to forgive him...I couldn’t do it then and I told him so...Forgiving is hard because he did wrong, a wrong that I have lived with for many years....I have forgiven myself though, I was always thinking I caused it to happen...but no..I didn’t he knew what he was doing and that I was very afraid to reach out for help...back then there was no where to reach out to...

    Living with that then an abuse narcissistic husband has taken its toll on my mental health...psychologists were no use to me..they didn’t understand...My Dr. started thinking out of the box of regular psychologists..and filled out an application for a Victims Services...It’s a service aimed to support and council people who have been victims of crimes done against them....I’m wondering if you could speak to your Dr. at your next appointment and see if he/she can get you into these services...my therapist appointed to me is very good..and seems to understand things I went through...and after only two visits I’m feeling not so down on myself...Is this something that you might consider trying?..

    Im sorry about your husband is talking about splitting up..It’s hard to trust anyone enough to disclose everything that happened... Maybe in tiny sections without all the details might help to calm him down a little...I am not good with relationships..I wish I could offer you some help..my marriage was a living nightmare..I hope things manage to work out for you both..

    Kind thoughts dear Ghost..

    Grandy..

    without

    2 people found this helpful

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