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Forums / Long term support over the journey / My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

Topic: My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

  1. Paul Me
    Paul Me avatar
    6 posts
    10 November 2017 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    Thanks for your input . I think there are always choices in life for each situation .

    We can’t just assume terminating a relationship and starting a new one will be always end up in the same situation ; I believe there are more people unhappy in this world , because they don’t have the courage of taking steps to change the situation , than happy because they did it .

    Furthermore , you can always try again - it doesn’t have to be perfect and work always - bad things happen - just don’t get paralyzed in your comfort zone again . You are you best change to make yourself happy , no one else .


    Paul Me

  2. Paul Me
    Paul Me avatar
    6 posts
    10 November 2017 in reply to Shelll

    Hi Shell

    Thanks for your comments ! I hope you can take steps to change your situation , just don’t blame yourself . Have you ever had “the talk” with him ?

    It is difficult to tell what the problem is because I know little about your history , but if you are unhappy you need to address it , leave your comfort zone and fight for your happiness ! I know it is easier to say than do , but you have to start somehow .

    I spent the last 10 years of my life depressed about it , just to realize I am not the one to be blamed for it .

    When we enter in a relationship we expect so many things from the other half (INCLUSIVE SEX ) and taking this away without explanation is not fair .

    It might be it is time to ask him if he feels pressure from you . Whatever the problem is , mental or physical , you should know . Living with this uncertainty is not good for your help and self steem - the way I see it , he is not allowing you to be part of the solution of his problems .

    Take Care

    Paul Me

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Dan049
    Dan049 avatar
    6 posts
    11 November 2017 in reply to Paul Me

    Hi Paul. I Am a 43 year old married man for the last 20years and was diagnosed with Anxiety & depression 13 years ago. Every night without fail I go to bed alone as my wife falls asleep on the couch. Early on I tried to wake her but that was met with anger so I now leave her there and go to bed. I would say that there would be only 2-3 occasions in the last 11 months that we have gone to bed together.

    The last time this occurred in July. We have never had a “satisfying” sexual relationship as it is quite mundane and unfortunately I am now of the thought that this will continue forever.

    We have very little in common and once the kids move out I have no idea what will happen as we will have nothing to talk about.

    I am somewhat resigned to living this way as I cannot deal with confrontation. I know this is not the best way to deal with this but I think it is for my kids as they have no idea there is any issue.

    I wish you all the best and hopefully these forums can assist.



    3 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    11 November 2017 in reply to Paul Me

    Hi Paul and Dan

    Paul...I just wanted to say thankyou for your great attitude not to mention your excellent posts....If I may quote you..."start enjoying other things in your life !! The chances are that your other half will feel less pressure and will feel more comfortable aroundyou because there won’t be any pressure for sex" I havent been on this thread for a while and you are seriously a breath of fresh air Paul...Nice1 :-)

    Hey Dan....Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to post too! I understand where you are coming from as I used to have chronic anxiety in the 1980's which has morphed into depression (manageable) since the mid 1990's. Just for me the true joy of sex flew out the window when I was in the grip of this awful disorder/illness.

    Confrontation is not on my menu either....It can make me feel ill...not to mention triggering any old symptoms

    I am 57 and understand where you are coming from Dan. Just with my anxiety/depression I forgot all about 'Romance'....I may be clutching at straws but it did help me....The best help I had was from my GP and psychologist who helped me no end to diffuse my anxiety after many very frequent visits...

    You are a great dad by placing your children first....I really hope you can stick around the forums Dan.

    I hope your weekend is good to you


    2 people found this helpful
  5. Paul Me
    Paul Me avatar
    6 posts
    12 November 2017 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Blondguy and all !

    I know a lot of you are wondering what was the outcome of Steven 1 relationship with your wife !

    I am please to let you know It all ended well ,!!

    Congratulations Steven 1 for being so brave and coming out !!

    If you want to know more about Steven 1 journey please go to the forum sexuality and gender identity and look for the thread entitled:

    “”Married with 2 kids but I am gay and living a lie “”posted on 11/05/2016

    I think we can all learn from it and see how relationships can be complicated ; we were all this time trying to figure out what was the problem with Steven 1’ Wife and , in fact , no one guessed that it might be the uncertainty was coming from Steven 1 - not even him ( sorry Steven1 this was only my personal conclusion for all of it )

    How relationships can be complex hey ??

    Again Steven 1 , congratulations Lon being so brave and coming out and facing all your fears ! I am positive you will be much more happy now and you will leave you life at its fullest!

    Thanks for sharing your story Dan and thanks for your comments Blondguy !!

    I am thinking about having ‘the talk ‘ with my wife again , but it so frustrating discussing the same thing over and over again - She can’t admit she has a low sex drive and keeps blaiming me for not being a gentleman and not treating her in the way she thinks is the right way .

    Sex for het became a reward for good behavior , and not a thing you desire . .. Frustrating ...


    2 people found this helpful
  6. Andy1965
    Andy1965 avatar
    1 posts
    13 November 2017 in reply to Jemimah
    Thanks so much for taking the time to write this Sophie. It helped me a lot on a day I really needed it. Thank you
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    14 November 2017 in reply to Paul Me

    Hi Paul....Its Paul here saying thankyou for the super kind post too :-) Hey Andy1965 too!

    I remember the frustration that you are going through. I am far from an expert (as there arent any) but have you been 'Romancing' your wife? I have neglected the 'R' word in my relationships and paid severely for it. Just from my own experience that is of course

    Excellent last sentence in your post by the way....

    My Best for you Paul


  8. Mr Cool
    Mr Cool avatar
    12 posts
    12 December 2017 in reply to blondguy

    Wow, this does attract a lot of interest. I lost my login and have just come back. Steven 1, well I never saw that option.

    ihave also read the Attol stuff, and it's very good. Just makes sense to me. I highly recommend it.

    Reading through the posts I did have one question regarding physical reasons for not having sex vs need for intimacy and desire. There are other options other than regular sex, but they are not considered. Is that because it's too difficult to discuss, or just an excuse. Even the offers to go somewhere else for sex, just seem to miss the pout that it's offense about intimacy and there are lots of ways to have in in bed ???

  9. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    12 December 2017 in reply to Mr Cool

    Hi MrCool

    Good to see you again! As you mentioned there are many options besides regular sex but they still need consent too from a partner.

    This thread topic is "My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I? "

    Just trying to keep the original thread on topic MrCool, do you take it personally if your partner has no interest?

    You are welcome to post on your own new thread if you wish to start your own topic MrCool. No worries at all

    My Best


  10. readytocrack
    readytocrack avatar
    1 posts
    4 June 2018

    Hi Steven1

    Married 35 +, had/have depression, etc, etc.

    Physical love with my wife has been a battle from day 1. This was/is very hard as she is most beautiful with a nature to match. She is a fantastic mother and wife, so the frustration is much worse when I can't show my completeness for her, in a physical way.

    I can emphasise with you regarding how the lack of physical love can make you feel inadequate. In my case this has been exaggerated due to the size of my penis. Whilst the has denied this is the reason and it is more than likely not,I have always blamed our lack of intimacy on the size of my member.

    Over the years, this has played havoc with my brain, especially when I was depressed, a few years back.

    Anyway apart from that, I have a theory based on many talks with women: Women fulfil their destiny throughout their lives with children and keep receiving fulfilment via grandchildren in their older years.

    Men on the other hand, marry, then children come along and the tap is turned off by the wife.

    We are hard wired for continual procreation of the species and this is denied in most marriages, which produces all sorts of complications.

    This I believe is the reason for grumpy old men like myself. Not only has my reason for being been denied, but my station in life is also diminishing as I get older. No one listens as intently as to what i have to say. I'm losing ground to younger men, who are obviously more virulent than I, but I cannot challenge this situation, because the means by which I could, have been taken away from me. (no sex)

    Love/marriage is like a wheel with different parts holding it together. If one of these parts are missing the wheel disintegrates.

    Simple as that!

    So, my advice would be this.

    Things are not going to get better unless you become a women and can understand the cryptic clues that they give out under the cover of darkness, so put up with it or leave. Be careful though, the grass is never greener on the other side.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. capitalguy
    capitalguy avatar
    1 posts
    6 October 2018 in reply to readytocrack

    Thanks @readytocrack, your post made a lot of sense.

    I got up from bed about a while ago after lying awake for ages stressing about my relationship with my wife. While I can’t remember the exact date anniversary, this month is pretty much three years since my wife and I had any sexual contact. There’s been a few kisses along the way but none of them would have lasted beyond 5-10 seconds and always rushed by my wife ... there is always something more important for her. It’s been years of rejection and forlorn hope that she’ll come around.

    Anyway, without unloading everything here right now, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been so honest in posting your honest and frank feelings. It’s given me the boost i need to speak with my wife again about how we might fix our relationship going forward. We’re both in our late 40s and have two kids in high school, so I hope we can fix things.

    But just telling someone)or everyone haha) has been rather cathartic. Thanks again.

  12. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    7 October 2018 in reply to capitalguy

    Hi capitalguy,

    Welcome tot he community here. You may have noticed this thread has not been used for a while so I am not sure how many responses you will receive here. Hopefully others will notice this thread is active again and will join in.

    If you don't receive many responses here and if you feel comfortable, you might like to start a thread of your own so you have more interaction.

    In saying that, a lot of people have shared here, so there is still a lot to be gained from all that has already been shared here. I believe I have contributed here myself.

    Sorry to read about your relationship and the lack of intimacy. I do understand what that is like but from the other side of the coin as I am female. My husband decided years ago he would prefer a 20 year old when we are both now 50.

    I hope you are able to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. Would couple's counselling be something you could try? Relationships Australia may be able to help with a few suggestions.

    We have had separate bedrooms for years now, my husband's idea not mine. Recently I had a slight accident and had a lot of trouble doing anything for myself. My husband offered to help me to bed. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of getting undressed in front of him, that I went to bed with my clothes on.

    Chat with your wife. Hopefully it will not turn into an argument and hopefully cruel words will not be said. It is hard to erase those awful degrading words once they have been said.

    Love and care comes in many forms. I know I have had to accept that changes in marriages do occur and sometimes there is no going back, forwards is the only way. Finding a new sense of being.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Hockeychap
    Hockeychap avatar
    1 posts
    30 July 2019

    All this is my first post and I specifically went searching for this issue regarding sex in marriage. My wife and i have been together for nearly twenty years and married for 13, we have 3 children all above 9. There was always an imbalance in our relationship in terms of sex drive however my wife also had deep depression issues that as a younger man i failed to address. I took lack of sex as being lack of loving on her behalf towards me, I felt rejected and unloved when actually she loved me very much. I had a void, a need for intimacy and turned to massage parlors and pornography to fill a gap rather than speaking openly to my wife. Sex with my wife was sporadic but overall around 5 to 10 times per year and it was very good when it happened. Stress would get teh better of my wife and she shut down, whereas in stressful situations I would crave to be close to her, we have had to deal with very difficult episodes in our life like most couples. I though i was coping by seeking affection elsewhere, that somehow this created balance in my life when all it created was lies and made me feel empty and even more lonely. About 3 years ago my wife discovered what had been going on and wa devestated, in a way i was relieved. the pronography and massage parlours were empty souless places that ate away at who I was. We went to counselling and i finally learnt how damaged I was and how wrong I had been about my wife loving me, my upbringing led me to distance myself from others and I had very low self esteem. Today we are not having sex and it has been maybe twice in teh last year or so, it isn't on her radar although she says she still loves me.

    I'm not sure how to go on with the marriage , I have no crutch no for intimacy but I know my wife also needs me as do the kids of course. I would love to go back to the 1 time per month but its not going to happen, am I selfish for wanting affection?

    Reading all of the other posts has been great to understand there are others who have the same issues

  14. James01
    James01 avatar
    1 posts
    16 August 2019 in reply to Steven1

    Hey Steven1,

    I'm not sure if you get notifications from this thread... and i know your last reply was like 4 years ago... but i'm in a similar situation to you and i'm really lost and alone right now.

    Reading this thread has helped, i feel less alone now.

    This may seem absurd, but i feel really connected to your story. I'm not sure if i'm looking for strength to keep going, or to make a tough decision but I would really like to know how things worked our for you?

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  15. Jacaranda72
    Jacaranda72 avatar
    25 posts
    7 October 2019
    I am on the other side of this coin. I am a wife of 22 years who has not had sex with her husband for about 7 years. We don’t argue at all and we don’t talk about it. I guess he’s just decided he has to accept it to keep our marriage intact for the sake of our children. I have anxiety and depression. I See a psychiatrist fortnightly and am just resigned to living this limited life.
  16. Wanderer276
    Wanderer276 avatar
    2 posts
    9 October 2019
    Having been married 13 years with 4 kids. We had an amazing sex life pre-kids. Now I am in depression as a women doesnt understand a man bases his self-worth on if his wife wants him. As a very confident person, years of rejection have eroded me away to depression.... I can't leave because I love my wife and kids, but I can't see an end to the torture and torment of being unloved. My wife is an amazing person whom I adore, but how does one exist feeling unloved and unwanted.... It is so sad that a person can do this, she says she loves me but really... like a n earlier person said, sex has become a reward, how does that work when everything I do is wrong. I have given up on sex and basically our marriage now. I am 40, fit and active, great kids and externally a happy life,but I am living a hollow and sad existence.
  17. Wanderer276
    Wanderer276 avatar
    2 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to Jacaranda72
    Sorry to hear, it is challenging as it makes one feel worthless, I can understand your struggle, as whilst not wanting to separate as the rest of our lives are amazing, this has driven a huge wedge between us, and for a very strong and confident person I have found depression, often crying in my car....
  18. Not a robot
    Not a robot avatar
    1 posts
    5 November 2019 in reply to Wanderer276

    Hi Wanderer276, I hear you and your words echo my thoughts exactly. 15 years of marriage, 2 amazing kids. I love my wife and kids to bits, and I do genuinely believe my wife still loves me. But there is zero physical intimacy other than my wife wanting a cuddle to help her get to sleep. After years of an almost sexless marriage, I am becoming resentful and less attracted to my wife.

    She simply isn't interested in sex. Hasn't been for years. I would always have to initiate things, only to be rejected 99% of the time, and I've basically given up. Ironically, on the rare occasion that my wife and I are intimate (maybe once every 6 months) she says how great it is and we need to do this more often.

    At times I just accept that this is how things are. I have plenty of healthy distractions - I enjoy work, my kids are fabulous, I'm exceptionally fit and love my competitive sports. These distractions have kept me getting by.

    But at times, it gets the better of me. I fail to see how we will stay together as the kids grow up. I'm not sure whether the lack of physical intimacy (not just no sex, but we just don't have much physical contact anymore in general) is a cause of our problems or a symptom. But I do know that we are drifting apart and it saddens me. Never thought it would happen

  19. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    5 November 2019 in reply to Wanderer276

    Hi Wanderer.. Not a Robot.. Jacaranda72... James1 and HockeyChap (the most recent posts)

    Even though this thread topic is old it is still an important one

    Dools posted an excellent point on October 8 2018....."If you don't receive many responses here and if you feel comfortable, you might like to start a thread of your own so you have more interaction" Thanks Dools!

    I am not married yet its an awful feeling when sex is withheld

    Wanderer276 mentioned " it is challenging as it makes one feel worthless" Wanderer is spot on here

    Not a Robot mentioned "I am becoming resentful and less attracted to my wife" Very good point

    Of course there are many genuine reasons why 'withholding' intimacy is concerned....Yet it can have a detrimental affect on a relationship....a marriage and especially if there is children involved that also suffer as result of lack of TLC/Intimacy between their parents

    just my opinion

    my kind thoughts


  20. aegidius
    aegidius avatar
    58 posts
    20 December 2019 in reply to Wanderer276
    @wanderer276 and not_a_robot: Agree entirely. Compounded when one is in the late 60's and there is no Plan B. The chance of another relationship now is zero, so not thinking about that at all. The only Plan B is to be alone, and there's too much to lose. We all come to this stage eventually with sex, don't we?
  21. The Tall Guy
     The Tall Guy avatar
    1 posts
    9 January 2021

    Steve, firstly good luck. You are in a very difficult position. In your position, it would be easy to slide down the rabbit hole and end up in a really bad place mentally and physically. So my first bit of advice is - don't. You need to look after your own mental and physical health as a priority so that you can be a good father to your children and have a long and fulfilling life. Whether your wife is part of that life is really up to her, as you can't control her response and actions.

    You will hear a lot of people give advice as to how you can "win" the love and affection of your wife back. That is all very well, but in my experience, it almost never works. Unless your wife has a physical or hormonal ailment, which is possible, she doesn't want sex with you either because you have behaved badly and treated her poorly for years (I am assuming not, but...) or she is just not interested, either in you specifically or in men generally. Alternatively, she just may be not too thrilled with her life, either because of her upbringing (what is her mother like?) or because I've isn't working out like she had hoped (whose has?) The sooner that everyone identifies where the issues lie and with whom, the better.

    Talk to her about it all and see if you can both have counselling, but separately, at least at first. If she says no, that is an answer. Tell her how a lack of sex makes you feel and ask her what her solution is. If she says that it is all your problem, that is an answer. If she gives you a shopping list of your defects, then, whether it is accurate or not, you have the real answer.

    Ask her if it is reasonable that one partner effectively has to remain celibate because the other one is not interested? The reality is, you might never have sex again, which is ridiculous. Most people would agree. However, in my experience, sex is a byproduct of a good relationship, but without it, the relationship falls apart, so there is a bit of "Catch 22" there. Quite simply, sex is a Criticality 1 Item - its failure almost always results in total failure of the system.

    I think that a sexless marriage is the worst thing that someone can inflict on someone else. It is cruel and manipulative in the extreme, whether intentional or not. Some people do, however, use it as a tool to force their partners out of a relationship. That is just the reality.

    Don't wait too long to find out the why of all this. And if it is not salvageable, just let it go (so set a timeframe).


    2 people found this helpful
  22. Hayabusa
    Hayabusa avatar
    3 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to The Tall Guy

    Hi everybody

    I know this is an old thread and I have read it front to back. I am in the same situation. The last time my wife was intimate with me and initiated it was in November of 2018. I am feeling all the hurt that everybody else has experienced above. My wife has had kids to a previous husband and the kids are all in their 20's. It hurts when I become the butt of their jokes in regards to the sexless marriage.

    I'm not the perfect husband, and we both work. But 90% of the time, after working up to 12 hours a day I ensure that my wife dinner is ready for her when she gets home, and I do help out around the house to a significant degree. Ive tried the intimacy thing but it is all generated by me and usually receives an average response.

    I'm sad, cranky, and sometimes not the best guy to be around. I have tried raising the issue with my wife in varying ways from trying to find out whats going on to the point of asking if she's interested in me anymore. I feel lonely. I feel that my wife doesn't want to spend time with me or be intimate with me. I have thought about other women, but reconcile myself with the fact that at the end of the day following that path only results in everybody getting hurt, which I don't think anybody deserves.

    I honestly don't know what to do. This is Catch 22, or as Murphys law of combat operations state "Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing" This is slowly eating me alive to the point where I am literally having an anxiety attack while writing this post.

    Apologies for the book, but at least its out there now. I need to do something.

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