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Topic: Really struggling

  1. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You are not failing anyone! The only thing that is failing is your health, both mentally and physically which is not your fault. I am sorry you are in such a lot of pain. Is that from your gallbladder or fibromyalgia?

    It is perfectly understandable that you are unable to take care of your mother atm considering how you are feeling and only just coping yourself. Surely someone else in your family would be able to do that for your mother?

    I also wish I could have coffee with you and talk to you in person. You probably won’t believe me when I say this but you really inspire me as I don’t think I would have been able to cope with even half of what you have been through and are having to deal with.

    I do understand your moods and frustration so know that you can vent here as much as you like. It is better to get these feelings out rather than bottle them up.

    So keep going Saree and remember to put your health first for a change xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️☕️

  2. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry Sophie & Jojo,

    It's just another night of sitting here wanting to cry.

    Jojo, it was my mum doing the guilt trip and then my partner got home and was also upset with me as I was unwell again and frustrated I didn't feel up to cooking. I ended up cooking and everything, kept nearly fainting.

    I'm so tired all the time, yet I'm not really sleeping because of the pain.

    Jojo, I went to a specialist on Wednesday (3.5 hours away), and she is unwilling to confirm fibro - but she believes there is some there just need to rule out other issues. We don't know if it is gallbladder, she mentioned a whole lot of conditions it could be, but said my gastrologist should have been dealing with this. She was annoyed as both he and my psychiatrist, in her opinion, are being negligent. She plans to send them a very stern email, which scares me because what the hell is going to be the consequences of that? She simply stated that my care has not been good enough and I guess is trying to help, but it is going to cause issues.

    there is just so much going on and I can't deal with any of it anymore. I tried to eat dinner before, the roast I cooked, and could barely eat any of the meat and then threw up what I did eat after feeling sick for ages. I'm just so over all this. I was in tears as I would have just liked to have sat down and simply been able to eat a meal.

    I'm sorry. everything is just yeah. I probably don't even make any sense.

    Ontop of all this crap my mood is simply not stable and I am frustrated as I know what needs to happen with my meds but nothing is happening because I can't till psychiatrist clears it, but he keeps cancelling appointments. It's just grrr....

    I know I'm so suicidal again. Just no idea who to turn to again. CAT team are useless, everyone will just refer to them - honestly what is the point. The only reason I ended up in hospital last 2 times is because I tried to kill myself. I can't convey how annoyed I am that I failed. I know this is warped thinking as I should be grateful and have a new lease on life, but that just isn't so at the moment.

  3. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I am extremely grateful your recent attempts were not successful and I am now really concerned for your well-being. Please, please don’t harm yourself again. There is hope for you, even if you can’t quite grasp that atm. I would be devastated if anything were to happen to you.

    I agree with your specialist that you are definitely not receiving adequate treatment and hopefully her intervention can help improve the situation. If it were possible I would put in a complaint on your behalf. You have a right to proper health care. You matter and deserve so much better.

    I can hear your frustration with your psychiatrist who seems to cancel appointments at the drop of a hat. Has your appointment been rebooked with him? When do you see the Gastrologist again?

    Once you get to the bottom of your physical symptoms hopefully you will begin to feel some improvement including pain management and start to sleep better.

    Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings as they are valid and important.

    I get the impression that your partner and family don’t know how to support you at this time which must be very hard. If things get really desperate please ring the emergency numbers before doing anything hasty or drastic.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  4. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Jojo,

    Everything is simply shit.

    My partner and I have done nothing but argue, he just seems to think its so simple and easy and he is sick of me being unwell. Last night he got upset with me and simply stated that I should sleep.... just sleep.... no shit, I would if I could.

    Sorry Jojo, just same headspace and even more crap.

    Sorry

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p
    Dear Saree,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
     
  6. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Sorry to hear things are really bad between you and your partner atm. It is so hard when your partner doesn’t appear to understand what you are experiencing and going through.

    Unfortunately this can often be the case. I had the same problem with my family regarding my mental health (though I didn’t have physical pain and symptoms to also deal with like you do).

    Have any of your doctors ever tried to explain to your partner what you are going through as he may be able to relate a bit better if it is coming from them?

    Or could you write your partner a letter expressing exactly what it feels like which he could calmly read rather than getting into an argument?

    I’m sorry everything is so unsettled at home. Have you tried talking to your GP or someone on the BB helplines as they might have some good advice for you?

    Don’t lose hope Saree and don’t give up xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🦋

  7. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    23 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Sophie M and Jojo,

    I'm struggling to see the point in talking to anyone - literally about to cancel all appointments.

    Jojo, yes they have. My psychologist in particular has as she doesn't view me as mentally week and she has had this conversation with my partner who thinks that being suicidal is mentally week.

    My partner wanted sex as we don't much anymore (my fault). I just can't do this. I don't want anyone touching me at all.

    This week is supposed to be psychiatrist, psychologist and GP - but I am terrified due of the consequences from the specialists.

    Everything is difficult. I've failed my jobs - not helping anyone - useless.

    We had dinner with my parents last night, my sister was supposed to join but didn't. Basically they ran everything past my partner, whether I could have a glass of wine, what foods I could eat etc. It made me so angry. On top of it, I was actually quite unwell, am today as well and went anyway just to be ridiculed.

    My GP has been nothing but judgemental just before my attempted suicide. She told me the afternoon before I did that it'd pass etc and basically I needed to toughen up and just get back to normality.

    I just want out of all this. I don't want to have sex, I don't want to have to pretend I am ok, I don't want to have everyone upset with me, I don't want any of this. I just want out.

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    23 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree_P, 

    We are sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment and that you are feeling so low. We can hear that you are going through a lot right now, from what you have written it sounds like it is really hard. Thank you for being brave and for reaching out for support.  

    We really encourage you to keep your appointments with your treating team if you feel that you can. We know how hard this can be, but we think that being open with those you trust to help you is a great step along the path to feeling better.  

    We would encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT to discuss the events of the weekend and how you’re feeling about them. They will be able to help you process how you’re feeling about this relationship, and how past events have affected you. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732.

    We also really want to encourage you to call Beyond Blue to talk things through, on 1300 22 4636. We're also available on webchat, for those moments when it's hard to pick up the phone, and you'd rather speak to someone online. 

    Thank you again for your post and for being such an important part of this community. We can hear that you are going through a lot right now and we want you to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. We are here for you if you ever need us. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M 

  9. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks Sophie,

    Due to financial reasons had to cancel the one appointment worth keeping, psychologist.

    We are on one income atm and have literally forked out my partners whole wage on appointments this week gone. Forget mortgage repayments etc

    Sorry. I just dont want to do these appointments. They always end horribly.

    If I could just get out of bed I would take that drive.

  10. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Jojo,

    I guess I find that lief doesn't really matter. Sorry.

    hope you and poppy are happy and well

  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree, 

    We’re really sorry to hear that. This must be extremely distressing, and we don’t want you to feel alone with this.  

    We are reaching out to you privately, so please know that you have our support.  

    We really want you to reach out and give our helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 to discuss how you can keep accessing the support that is best for you despite these issues. We’d also suggest reaching out to local Mental Health Services helpline on 1800 332 388 for advice, assessment and referral. It’s so important that you have support through this period, Saree.  

    Thank you again for your courage and honesty when posting to the forums. This community cares for you, and wants for you to be safe and supported through this extremely difficult time.  

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M 

  12. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Sorry I haven’t replied sooner. I had an emergency with my best friend who has been feeling suicidal. She is safe now, but it was a close call.

    Life does matter and you matter very much more than you realise. Don’t be upset with me, but I felt quite annoyed with your partner for pestering you for sex when you are in so much pain and really struggling.

    Also I didn’t like the way your family treated you at the family dinner. They seem very insensitive at times.

    I wish you could have been able to keep your appointments this week as you could do with some extra support at this time. Is there no way you could organise some sort of payment plan?

    As always you are in my thoughts and prayers xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  13. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo,

    It's ok. I get it. Hope your friend is ok?

    He just wants a normal relationship. I wonder if we are nearly over.... he keeps telling me we are not, but then he explodes or becomes upset. Last night he had a bit of an outburst in the kitchen.

    Psychiatrist today - wants to change medication to Lithium and try a different antidepressant. He wants to do this over another hospital admission - so we have to wait until our private health cover kicks in (2 Months). Thats literally it. His other suggestion was for him to refer me to the community mental health team. My partner didn't like this idea at all. He'd also received a text from my psychologist informing him I wasn't doing well and had cancelled an appointment with her - needed to due to finances.

    Apart from that nothing. An appointment in 6ish weeks.

    What else...... nothing. Partner and I aren't in a good place, ended up arguing after the appointment simply due to the fact he doesn't understand that lithium is one of the more serious medications yeah. He doesn't get that I feel like my life has fallen apart and I want out. Today has just added to the never-ending list.

    I don't know Jojo, I just don't see an end to all this crap. Everytime I think I have everything on track it just comes crashing down around me.

    Just want this to be over thats it.

  14. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I’m glad to hear your partner is standing by you though it is unfortunate the relationship is quite difficult atm due to arguments and lack of insight on your partner’s part. This must be frustrating for you.

    I remember feeling the same way when I tried to explain what I was going through to family and friends. I have found the only people who really get it and understand are those who also have a mental illness.

    I am glad your psychiatrist plans to change your meds as your current ones don’t appear to be completely effective. However, it is unfortunate you have to wait a few months before this can happen.

    In the meantime can you touch base with a GP for some extra support?(perhaps a different GP as I remember yours came across as being rather insensitive).

    I know things are extremely hard for you right now Saree so try to only focus on one day at a time. Also I know you are scared about going on the new mood stabiliser, but it will be worth at least trying it. This could be a major turning point for you. Don’t lose hope.

    My friend is doing a bit better, thanks for asking xox

    With lots of love & hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️

  15. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Jojo,

    Who knows. I just cant last another 2 months feeling this way anymore. I feel like a waste of time and space. Just feel like an annoyance and a burden.

    Everything is just too hard. My partner wants more and more. Sex, find a job, work, go to hospital, fix everything. I cant even do one of these things.

    I just dont want to live anymore. I know I should but I don't.

  16. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Hey Saree, 

    We're so sorry to hear how hard things are right now, that’s a lot to deal with. It's so good that you are continuing to seek support, although we understand it’s not easy. Jojo’s advice seems really helpful, we hope that you find some comfort and encouragement in it.  

    We think it's a really good idea to take the referrals your psychologist has made, such as the community mental health team, as it's important you are supported while waiting for your private health cover to kick in.  

    It’s really important you reach out when you’re feeling like this. You can call Beyond Blue at any time on 1300 22 4636, or you can call our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467. All of these options are available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

    If you feel like you’re unsafe, this is an emergency and it’s important you call 000 straightaway.  

    We can hear you’re feeling under pressure to deal with multiple challenges at once. We wonder if it helps you to think of one of these things at a time, such as how you can make sure to reach support whenever you’re facing these feelings? 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M 

  17. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You are not a waste of time and space or an annoyance or a burden. However, you are unwell and pressured into trying to resolve too many issues all at once which must be really overwhelming.

    The main focus ought to be on keeping you safe and getting you well. Please listen to Sophie and use the online counselling services while you are waiting for your next appointment with your psychiatrist.

    Or perhaps consider going back into the public health system only in the short term, until your private cover is sorted out.

    Don’t give up Saree. I have faith in you that you will get through this extremely difficult time. You are stronger than you think xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  18. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    29 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry for not replying sooner. I thought if I wished time away it might all disappear, wishful thinking I guess.

    Things are the worse they have been, my partner literally spends his time in another room and then keeps pressuring for sex and keeps groping to a degree. I'm actually starting to wish it'd stop happening and yeah. I get that I should be "putting out" but its hard to do when you don't feel connected and there is little connection between you. I can't go from being told how useless I am and how I stuff everything up to wanting to have sex.

    Simply feel like I am failing on all fronts..... My parnter told me all he sees is a failure. how I keep failing. He is right of course.

    Yesterday everyone wanted some more finalised details for the wedding, cake, when we are going wedding dress shopping etc. And here is me.... not even sure we should be getting married at all.

    Just wish I had my Job back and had a purpose to life.... there is literally no reason to be here at all. My family don't have time for me or simply can't even be bothered to respond to my messages.

    Thanks for all your help and advice Jojo, it's always appreciated.

  19. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    30 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    It upsets me to hear your partner thinks you are ‘useless’ and a ‘failure’ when you are at your most vulnerable and really unwell. Please don’t believe it because it’s not true! It’s no wonder you don’t feel like being intimate with him.

    This probably explains why you are questioning whether to get married or not. I can’t really comment too much on this, but it might be worth making a list of pros and cons to try and clarify how you feel.

    I’m sorry that your family are not there for you or being supportive. It also sounds like communication between you and your partner has broken down.

    Have you managed to book another appointment with your psychologist as I think this would be helpful atm?

    You have been through such a lot both physically and mentally so don’t be so hard on yourself for not having a job. Your worth is not defined by whether you are working or not. You will find another job in time once your health improves. You are strong and capable. You have a future, you have a purpose so don’t ever lose sight of that.

    Stay safe and don’t give up, don’t give in xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  20. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    30 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Jojo,

    I've just told my partner I want to seperate. He is then accusing me of wanting an easy way out to kill myself and then telling me I'm not in the right frame of mind to make a decision.

    Yet here we are in seperate rooms of the apartment.

    I just want a way out of this world. I feel trapped in a life that isn't mine. I was supposed to be able to play elite netball, become a clinical psych, etc. not this invalid with bipolar.

  21. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You are not an invalid, but you do need support to take control of your illness rather than let it control you. You need to tame the beast! I hope the change in medication that is planned for you will be the answer.

    Once you are on an even keel there is no reason why you can’t play elite netball and study to become a clinical psychologist. You have so much to offer to others with your lived experience of mental illness.

    You are young, intelligent and very capable. There is no reason you can’t live your dreams once your illness is better under control.

    As far as separating from your partner goes, that is a huge decision which only you can make. You know what is best for you. I would suggest you talk it through with your psychologist or someone you really trust.

    I’m still a bit worried about Poppy as she is losing weight. She’s gone from 3.3kg to 2.8kg in a few weeks, despite eating normally. The vet has increased the dose of her medication so I am hopeful that will make a difference.

    Take good care of yourself xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️🐾

  22. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo,

    Hope Poppy is ok.

    Had an appointment with the Psychologist today.... not the best. Walked out feeling more suicidal than ever. Not sure what to do anymore.

    Sorry Jojo

  23. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Sorry to hear your appointment with your psychologist didn’t go well. That must be very disheartening. Is she aware how you were feeling when you left the appointment? Are you seeing her again soon?

    It can often be difficult following a counselling session as it tends to stir up difficult emotions. Give yourself time to process your appointment and be gentle with yourself.

    Try to do something nice as a reward for going to counselling as you definitely deserve a little boost. Take life hour by hour, day by day. That’s more than enough to deal with.

    Don’t lose sight of your dreams Saree. You have so much potential to make them come true.

    My thoughts are with you dear friend xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  24. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    9 September 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry Jojo,

    everything has fallen apart. Life is just so hard. I'm not sure I know how to cope anymore let alone if I can.

    My partners family have tried to make him choose between them and me. They refuse to attend the wedding.

    Jojo, its just a mess.

    Sorry

  25. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    There’s no need to apologise especially when your life is so difficult right now.

    Weddings can often be stressful to organise and please everyone. It is very unfortunate that your partner’s family are saying they won’t attend and making your partner choose between them and yourself.

    Has communication broken down completely? Is there no way you can talk things through with them? There is always the chance that they will come around and change their mind.

    When is the wedding? Hopefully there’s time to sort things out. Often people say things in the heat of the moment and don’t really mean it.

    Stay safe and strong xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

  26. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    13 September 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry Jojo,

    I don't know.

    I guess that them not being onboard isn't a case of getting over it etc. the fact is they will never apologise for what they have said of me nor will they admit that they were wrong and it is clear they will not support us when it gets really tough. They had no idea what was really going on with me and simply listened to my parnter vent and reacted.

    It's never going to be ok Jojo.... seriously... do I get a break? I need to just bloody make everything stop once and for all.

    Hows poppy Jojo? and you?

  27. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    First of all I’m really sorry for the delay in replying to your last post. Somehow I missed it and only realised today.

    It’s unfortunate that your partner’s family don’t understand what you are going through. At least now you know what to expect and not rely on them for any support which must be really difficult for you.

    How are the wedding plans coming along?

    Are you able to discuss things with your psychologist as organising a wedding can be quite challenging and stressful?

    I hope you are going a bit better since your last post and once again I apologise for missing it.

    Poppy is going well thanks. She has stopped losing weight which I am very relieved about.

    I am also going well. Our ukulele group recently did a small performance which was good fun. It’s such a happy little instrument and having a singsong always brightens my day.

    Take good care of yourself Saree xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️🐾

  28. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo,

    Psychologist is on holidays - again. and then she will be booked out. She had to reschedule our last appointment and I couldn't make the times she had free, so had to miss is and she went on holiday.

    We went dress shopping the weekend past and I think I have found the perfect dress.....

    My partners parents are just lying and manipulating him and I hate that. Our relationship nearly broke completely just over a week ago, but he changed. He didn't realise how he was making me feel etc. I just don't know how we are supposed to make it if his family are going to treat me as they have been?

    It's such an insult to be told that I am not safe to be around children when my job was a child and adolescent counselor..... I've worked with kids and teens for the last 10 years. The kids love me.

    and on what planet is "watching her swallow her medication" and "giving her allowance" okay? Oh, and I am not supposed to be offended.

    sorry, ranting. I honestly do not know how we are going to go.... so the wedding is just a mess.

    my life is a mess.

    I just wish everything was over.

  29. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    That’s great news you have found the perfect wedding dress which is one thing less to worry about. I’m sorry your partner’s family are treating you so badly and seem to be judging you behind your back. You don’t deserve that.

    From what you have shared previously I know you are an excellent worker and have helped many children and teens so it is very unfair of your partner’s family to say otherwise.

    I know it’s extremely hard, but try not to listen to what they are saying about you as they don’t know what they are talking about.

    Sorry you feel your life is a mess. It gets like that sometimes, so just remember this time will pass and push on through.

    Try and make an appointment with your psychologist once she returns from holiday for some extra support.

    Take good care of yourself xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋🐾

  30. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Wish things were manageable and survivable.

    Done trying. Have to keep waiting and waiting for help, for change of meds, etc. Just can't take it anymore.

    I know I should be stronger than this but I'm not

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