Good morning my friend ☀️

I'm glad you don't want to change who you are, and neither should you. If someone thought you should, then that person is not a friend. They are a pain and they should go look at their own life if they want to change things, your life is none of their beeswax.

Because of your awesomeness and how thoroughly you commit yourself to your emotions and way of being alive in the world and in your relationships is just a reason to develop that discernment. Because there's a finite amount of that awesomeness to go around. Depletion will occur when there's the leeches abounding.

What i wrote is actually quite funny. In actuality it was a typo and i meant *the endless black hole of their own self absorption*. I might keep that new phrase that i accidentally invented though for when i want to say a particular thing without actually saying the thing.

I am a bit up and down at the moment. I've been spending a lot of time in my garden which is always a good place for me to be. It heals and it give me so much peace, it inspires me and gives me hope. I've recently come to a place in my head that if i achieve nothing else in my life, i can create this garden around this little house. A home for the birds, plenty of flowers for the bees, a happy space for my precious boys and mrs b. That's a good thing.

Lots of love to you xoxo

Hi dear Peppystar ☘ and beautiful friends 😊

I was so pleased reading a wee bit back that you met at an art show I think it was a couple of people that might be more the type you're hoping to connect with. I realky hope so Peppy. We need soul nourishing people around us not energy sappers.

I like that Grandy said you look like you're starting to show some self live which I think too and like seeing I think you're starting to be aware what you want or some things anyway. Intellectual and emotional stimulation are important in our lives.

It sads me such a gentle lovely person like you struggles so much lovely.

So always keeping an eye on you darlin and your choccy empire.. oh struth that's embarrassing slipping out like that.

Much love and care sweety Peppy and same for you beautiful Tweety you also have been in my thoughts often. Beautiful people easy to love.

Hope your evenings are relaxed and create peaceful dreams.

🤗☘⚘🌱

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

I’m sitting quietly next to you with a hand outstretched & an open heart...your emotions sound erratic, or even turbulent. So it makes me happy that you have your garden to centre yourself.

I smiled when I read about those inspired & hopeful that you draw from your garden. You nurture your garden & s/he nurtures you (& by extension, your whole family is nurtured)...how beautiful & miraculous is that, my friend?

Your garden & all you do for your family is an outstanding achievement. A real gift from your heart...

About your life’s work...time will tell. I would gently suggest maybe, considering all that you (& all that gorgeous mrs b) is going through, to just take things as they come for now.

You don’t need to know what will happen tomorrow or the day after...just take each moment as it comes. Concentrate on the task at hand, & preferably in your garden, as per that quote ;)

I’m learning to lean into my inner chaos. I think passionate people are chaotic. Maybe I’m too much for some people, but that’s okay, they’re not my people (& I’m not theirs).

Recently, one of the new people ...he asked me if I I could give him advice/feedback. He really wants to get this project off the ground, & he’s at the planning stage. He’s a bit “out there” but so am I...

We’re meeting soon to discuss it in. His drive & energy is inspiring...also I’m glad my nudges have worked to disrupt his recent complacency ;)

A heartfelt thank you for always encouraging me to be me (from Day 1). You have always accepted me. Never made me feel “too much.” Thank you, precious friend.

I want you to know it’s okay for you to be you too...the good parts & the parts you’re insecure about. We’ll love & accept all of you.

How is your garden doing & how has your mood been?

Love you (& love to mrs b too) xoxox

Wonderful DB: How lovely to see you here :) Thank you...

You’re right, I’m over my Leeches. But I’m not yet over my Void Fillers. They still have a place in my life at this point.

Void Fillers are better. They don’t suck up energy...just take up space. Low expectations & no real giving happens in that dynamic..

Thank you for your words of support, love & encouragement. Learning self respect is a part of it...also, I’m just over it. Past the point of caring with some people...

But the blame is on me. I make my own (bad) choices....

Thanks again for keeping an eye on me & for being here. Supersoul hugs & much love to you xoxo

Hello lovely friend,

I just wanted to say how great i think it is, all these changes you are instigating, getting involved with new people, getting involved with this new project with the guy ... you're doing it, and your motivation has been infectious, with him getting a nudge along. You're making changes that you need right now in your life to give you new opportunities for fulfillment on your journey. It's awesome.

I think you should totally celebrate your chaos. Have a party for it. It's a part of you and there's room for that along with all the other aspects of you. They should all be celebrated. They all belong. They make up the awesomeness that is you.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

Thank you so much for your beautifully encouraging & supportive words, dear friend. Your friendship is a true blessing, and something to never be taken for granted :)

I think in life, sometimes if we want something & even if we aren’t always 100% sure what we want, there’s something to be said for trying. Something to be said for putting ourselves out there. Trial and error (lots of error). Learning to sit with uncertainty. Befriending it.

Thing is, no one is going to hand me what I want/need on a silver platter. If I want something in life, I have to think & act. No one is coming to save me. Besides, I don’t want to be a passive observer in my own life...what kind of life is that, really? Rhetorical...

The following is just a stray thought...

You know, I think life is hard. Really hard. Daily, it’s hard. But I still try to do this life thing. Not just me, but so many of us...

People who smile for their children’s sake, people who drag themselves to work then collapse as soon as they’re home, people who are struggling but still try to be there for/check on others, people who struggle to leave the house but try to go outside for their dog pals, people who don’t have much money but still try to donate a few coins to the homeless, etc, etc...

Almost everyone is struggling in some way...I think there’s something to be said for kindness. We don’t always know what other people are going through...we’re all muddling through this life thing, and it’s not always easy...

I suppose that’s my slightly left of field musing of the day...thanks for being here, beautiful friend.

I hope you’ve been spending time in your garden and maybe cooking, reading & dancing too. I hope you’ve been crying too when needed. Giving space for you feelings...the rich range and breadth...

How is your week going, dear friend?

Warm hugs and comforting thoughts to you & your family...thinking of you.

With love xoxox

Hello friend ❤

You are absolutely right, if we want something to change in our lives, we have to do it, no fairy godmother is going to come and wave a wand (unfortunately).

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

That's where depression is such a difficult barrier, because it blocks our motivation, keeps things small, enclosed.

It's so great to hear how you are making changes, *even though* as you say, life is hard. You're doing it. You're getting up, making change in your life, and that will create new impetus in other areas of your life. You are an inspiration!

I have ended up having a good week. I had a moment of clarity on Monday, and i have been taking much better care of myself since. The last month or so I've really been overdoing it with the booze, wanting to blank out some pain, wanting to escape. But something has clicked, and i realised i have so much to live for, so much to be *present* for. I'm going to be looking after myself a lot better from here on in. It feels like a new start. The start of rediscovering myself or something.

The garden is starting to pop, with Spring starting. I bought a young japanese maple today to put in the front garden, but i brought it home and just plonked it ina spot to sit in the backyard before i dig a hole for it and i was sitting there looking at it and it looks gorgeous right where i plonked it, so that, my friend, is where it shall now live!

I also bought another wisteria today, called "amethyst falls" to grow on the front fence.

I counted 37 different edible plants in the veg patch (including my various citrus, olives, fig and avocados (aka AVO 😱). Am excited for spring 😊

Thanks for your love and friendship. I'm blessed.

🌻b xo

PS dear Aunty Deebs, i am so sorry i meant to say thank you so much for your always beautiful caring words, i do not know what happened i accidentally deleted my PS from last time or something. Please know i would never intentionally ignore you ❤ i always read your journey ... sending love.

Darling friend/beautiful birdy/b (& a wave to all),

What a turnaround week it has been for you. I feel so happy for you & proud of you too. I suppose maybe things need to get a bit (or very) messy before clarity comes sometimes...here’s to new beginnings for you, my friend :)

I smiled as I felt a lift in spirit in your writing. I agree, life is to be lived, after all, and there is so much for birdy to discover about birdy. A chance to do things differently & get reacquainted with yourself again...I’m happy you’re starting to take better care of your beautiful self, gorgeous friend.

It’s funny how your accidental placement of the Japanese maple turned out to be just where it needed to be. I wonder if that’s symbolic of how some unexpected things just might work out for you :)

Your garden sound impressive, and it makes me happy that it brings you so much meaning, joy & nurturing. Your edible garden sounds scrumptious! I feel as though you’re home in your garden, as though you’ve “arrived”....

You’re right, fairy godmothers don’t exist...there’s grit, challenge, struggle, triumph/despair, meaningful coincidences, resilience, circumstances that do/don’t aid, support systems/networks/connection (or thereof lack) but no wish granters...not really.

I’ll tell you something amusing. Remember when I was talking about how helpful it would be to have well-meaning lawyers involved in bringing about important community, etc changes? 1 of the new people that I mentioned turns out (High EQ Person) to be a lawyer, which I only learnt this week! wheels in my head are turning...I think she could be very helpful with Community Guy’s project.

Whenever you feel like sharing, I would love to hear about your own self discovery (and your garden tales too)...you’re welcome to share anything you like here. No pressure but I’m here For the & hard times. Free rein to you here ;)

Thank you for being who you are. How beautiful is it to watch you grow.

With love to you & mrs b xoxox

Hello gorgeous friend! ❤

How have the last couple of weeks been for you?

I hope you have been taking good and gentle care if yourself as you grit it out, day by day.

That is so amazing to hear about one of your new "people" being a lawyer ad may be able to help out with the new community project! Talk about things falling into place! Maybe the Japanese maple metaphor can apply here too 😃.

I would love to hear if any developments there or in anything else you have going on.

How have you been feeling lately?

I have continued taking better care of myself. Not to say i haven't partied a few nights 😁 since i last wrote to you, but i feel i really had a wake up call & i am being much more mindful or something, of the way i am taking care of my mind & body. I will share more of this journey, maybe over in doomsville sometime.

I have been really busy in the garden, how i wish i could share pics with you! I harvested the first maybe 30 heads of garlic a week or so ago (i planted about 150 this year, but they won't all succeed), & am picking a couple of asparagus stalks a day at the moment, plus salad greens, herbs and silverbeet. I have the most ginormous flower about to pop - it's called a verbascum olympicum, & it is currently about 6ft tall, but hasn't bloomed. I have waited 2 years for this thing, having put it in as a tiny seedling (& pretty much tapping my foot saying can you hirry up already i have other things to plant here once you're done) & yesterday it nearly was knocked over in a big wind 😱😱😱 the only thing i had strong enough to tie it up to a stake was a scarf i scrounged in desparation out of my wardrobe. It now looks tres chic 🧣

I have also had a sick hen in need of tlc, i think i have her back on the road to recovery after a week of meds x3 daily. It's rewarding to see the recouperation.

Please tell me how you are & what's been happening with you, if you feel like it. I am always listening, caring, interested & paying attention to you.

Much love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (birdy) & a wave to all,

It made me smile to read that you have been taking better care of yourself :) As I said before, it’s beautiful to watch you grow.

I feel enormously proud of your self compassion, epiphany/self learning and self nurturing. I would love to hear more about your journey any time you feel like sharing....your garden, your observations, anything you want to talk about, but of course there’s no pressure to share more than you want.

I feel saddened to hear about your beautiful hen. I know how much your girls mean to you, but I’m glad she’s on the mend. I couldn’t think of a better person to take care of her than you :) Let me know how she recuperates if you like...

Your edible garden sounds like quite the feast! Garlic is so flavoursome & I love silverbeet. I had to look up verbascum Olympian. Wow, magnificent...and stylish too with its own scarf ;) It’s a shame that I can only use my imagination to envision your garden, but even in my mind, it looks spectacular!

I wonder, what helped you develop your newfound self insight? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to of course...I’m always happy to hear about your gorgeous garden or anything you feel like talking about :)

Smiling, I think grit isn’t usually gentle, or at least not in the way that I understand. Sometimes circumstances call for it...sometimes it’s because it’s a committment to something. Sometimes both.

It has been an emotional time. Some sad & difficult times...but lessons learnt too, so I suppose that’s something good :)

In some ways, I’ve come to realise that I have everything that I need. The interesting thing is as I’ve been testing the waters, & letting some of my quirks show, much to my surprise (& confusion) more (not less) people seem to want to be around me. Yes, I’m still attracting my usual Space Fillers & Leeches, but intriguing people seem to be coming into the mix as well...

There was a moment where a group of us were talking & I felt a rare moment of true connection. It wasn’t due to any one person. But it was that particular combination of personalities & attributes. Synergy.

Without consciously realising it at the time, a significant portion of the attributes/characteristics that I had been longing for were there...not all in the 1 person but as a group.

Thank you for being my friend. How blessed am I to have you in my life...

Sending love & warmth to you, your hen & the rest of your beautiful family xoxox

Hi there lovely friend ❤

For some reason I'm not finding it easy to post just at the moment.  My words are escaping me.  But i am still here and thinking of you. 

It sounds like you might have had some challenging situations with people and/or feelings over the last couple of weeks.  If you want to talk anything through, please know i am here listening and paying attention.  

Whatever has been going on, it is good to hear that you seem to be processing some (hard earned) lessons, and are open to whatever it is that needed practice or learning.

It probably sounded paradoxical when i mentioned gentleness in the midst of grit - i guess i think of you gritting it out and see that determined and focused and strong friend of mine needing a gentle space at the end of the day, a mindset of care and letting go of the reins a bit, after forcing yourself through the difficulties of your life.  I just feel that you need that gentleness to balance things inside somehow. I know that grit isn't gentle, but you can do both.  A bit of grit, a bit of gentle. Remember the yin to counteract the yang ❤

What an awesome discovery you have made: that you actually have everything you need. This is such a wonderful realisation, and it makes sense to hear you simultaneously realising this and relaxing into your own skin - revealing your quirks, freeing your own unique awesomeness. Letting your light shine.

I know in the past you have held back because of the people around you. Sounds like finally you are finding the right people, and that is extremely cool. You need people around you who accept and are attracted to your magic, not trying to contain you within their own little ideas of you.

I will come back and talk to you more.  I just wanted to say I'm here, listening.

Love,

🌻b  xo

Darling friend, beautiful b/birdy (& a wave to all),

I’m gently extending my hand out to you. It’s okay if words are hard at the moment...you can talk when and if you’re feeling ready. Gentle & easy, does it...

Thank you so very much for reaching out to me, despite your own pain & struggles. You’re a special one :)

Thank you for your love & care. Such warmth and compassion in your words that is so reflective of your empathic nature. Thank you for mentioning gentleness...yes, you’re right, sometimes gentle self care is needed ;)

However, I feel in addition to gentleness, sometimes I feel that I need an outlet for painful & difficult emotions. The ones that I manage day in, day out, in order to honour my other commitments, responsibilities and work towards my goals.

The things is I feel if you have a certain grit, sometimes the pain doesn’t always have a way out...gentleness may soothe it and is most definitely important in its own way, but it doesn’t really allow pain to be released, does it? That’s okay though, I know that I can channel that into some form of creative/artistic expression.

People have asked me in the past why so many of my creative projects are sad/bleak ones...isn’t it obvious? They seem sad because the creator of those pieces of work is sad...I don’t think it’s a big mystery to solve. Unhappy people sometimes make unhappy things. There are many people like that around the world. Simple, really...

But I suppose then there’s the other extreme... stand-up comedians who use humour as a form of healing, coping, and maybe hiding too...I’m not really into watching stand-up comedy (not my thing), but I have offline friends who love it...

I’ve always secretly wondered what happens when stand-up comedians leave the stage. Specifically, I wonder what happens in their emotional life. That’s my little, slightly irrelevant musing of the day ;)

Lovely friend, whenever you feel the words returning to you, you’re always welcome to chat. I would love to hear about how you have been & what is happening in your world...but of course, no rush or pressure though...as I said, gentle & easy does it...

Thinking of you...

Sending warmth and love to your beautiful self xoxox

Hi again beautiful ❤

I guess my concept of gentleness might be a bit different to what you have in mind. I don't think of it as something mild or meek. I think i am talking about a concept of acceptance and allowance for whatever it is that needs to be felt.

I think the idea I'm trying to relay to you is not about soothing, but about freeing those reins or confines that you need to be in whilst you're gritting it out. At the end of the day, allowing yourself to free those emotions, softening the edges that you need to have up for your commitments.

I have been listening a lot to some podcasts and meditations about the concept of "this too belongs". Like, "there is room for this too". Whether it be sadness, anger, outrage, boredom, whatever. It all belongs. There's room for it all.

And i guess that is what i think of when i think of gentleness. Allowing it all. Accepting that it all has a place in our lives. And softening our edges to allow that to have expression and room. Softening the edges that we need to have up during the grit of the day to day in order to allow the spilling out of the essential feelings ...

Being gentle enough with yourself to let yourself go, including allowing yourself to express the difficult emotions and sadness and angst in the way that makes sense to you. Allowing all of that, accepting that expression, letting yourself flip out/ relax/ express etc, in my eyes, is being gentle.

I guess i mean i want you to relax those rigid walls when you can, to let what needs to be felt, be felt. I see that as being gentle with yourself : knowing what you need and allowing it.

Whether that be splashing around paint jackson pollock style or running really hard for 10 kms or lighting a candle and floating in the bath. Knowing what you need, and doing it.

I hope it makes some sense.

Love xoxoxo

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

Sorry, my bad. I’m sorry, I think that I’ve misunderstood you. I was definitely associating “gentleness” with different things to you. Thanks so much for patiently explaining, my friend...

If I’ve understood correctly this time, I suppose your understanding of gentleness is (maybe) something similar to my “ebb and flow” of feelings? I agree with you that there’s a whole range of human emotions to feel, and that it all has its place...thanks for the loving reminder :)

That said...please don’t hesitate to let me know if I’ve again misinterpreted, or if I’m just having an entirely different conversation to you ;)

I feel, to a large extent, that I’m at peace with the concept of feeling the feelings. But I think maybe, in my own case, it’s more about finding the best expression of those difficult feelings, within the pressure constraints of my life. It’s about wanting to communicate a story of sorts but struggling to find the best medium...

But in a way, I wonder if we’re having 2 slightly different/parallel conversations? I’m not sure, but maybe what I’m trying to talk about is more storytelling (very inarticulately), rather than necessarily allowing space for my feelings/gentleness.

I get that “storytelling” is maybe a form of gentleness/allowing space for feelings in its own way...maybe it’s just that you’re talking about gentleness in a broad sense, and I’m talking about a very specific kind of gentleness (storytelling)...

I feel as though I’m not much making much sense tonight (laughs)

Anyway, I’m happy you are growing and learning. Those podcasts and meditations sound as though they have been very helpful. As always, if you want to share anything about your journey/thoughts/feelings, you’re welcome here. Free rein, beautiful friend...

Thanks again for explaining and for your patience and love.

Love from me xoxox

Hello gorgeous friend ❤

Well, I'm not 100% sure, but i *think* we may now be on the same page 😊 yes, i guess my idea of gentleness might be similar to your ebb and flow. I think we've arrived at the same point eventually.

Funniky enough i did have an image of water in mind, it's such a strong force of nature, but soft at the same time, it accommodates the hard edges it passes, but ultimately can literally slice through stone. I am thinking if a quote but can't quite capture it.

I think i understand more now that you are seeking out mediums for expression and therefore maybe some release of the painful and difficult feelings and experiences?

I am listening to you and always paying attention to your thoughts and ideas, so if you would like to talk more about it, i am here.

How has the last week been?

I have not been feeling as on-top of things as I'd like, but that's ok. Hey, i at least finished my tax return today. Ever noticed that the letters that make up the word TAX are all present in the word Anxiety? Coincidence??? I think not ...

Oooh, had some awesome news from some friends of mine and mrs b, ones who occasionally come diwn here to stay ... they have decided to go vegan! They are going to transition a little maybe like what you had in mind. I was so happy, as you can imagine 😊

Love to hear how you are.

Think of you daily.

❤

🌻birdy

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on water, lovely friend. I agree that it’s majestic and a life giving source that is both gentle but powerful...

Congratulations on finishing your tax return! I bet you’re feeling relieved. You’re probably onto something there about the letter sharing not being a coincidence ;)

I can picture your excitement when you heard your friends’ news. What a big step for them. That’s really excellent news! Good for them too.

Thank you so much for caring and thinking of me, dear friend. It has been a rough week, but I think if I can find an effective way for me to channel/express my emotions, I’ll be okay.

How are things going and how is your garden coming along?

I care about you and think of you often too. Always happy to hear from you :)

Sending love and warmth to you and your beautiful family xoxox

Hello Gentle Peppy, sweety Tweety..

Im just calling in to wish you both a glorious day today...Each new day is a new start from us...Love that saying...because it’s true, and I think if we closed each day off like a sunset and started our new day as bright as the sun...we can have everyday a good day....

Water is awesome...I agree it’s got so much power in it...Strong enough to carve a rock over time...yet soft enough to be healing....

I was thinking about the both of you this morning...When I think of one I think of the both of you...I love listening to the support, love and care you give each other..it’s so uplifting..and beautiful...

Peppy..I want to thank you for your support on mine..I am grateful..and feel bad not coming to yours as much as I should/want to...

I have a lovely picnic basket for you both to enjoy together tonight....While your sitting somewhere outside under a tree and enjoying Mother Nature...It’s got a yummy dip and crackers...Strawberries and choc dipping sauce..and a bottle of champagne....Sure to make beasty hold off for a couple of hours...

Not much of a post...but wanted to say hello to the both of you....

Sending you both my love, care, and soul hugs..💖🤗..

Grandy.....

Hi gorgeous Grandy (and a wave to all),

What lovely words about the sun and the sunset. Thank you so very much for visiting. It’s wonderful to see you here :)

A warm thank you for the generous picnic basket as well. That’s a very thoughtful gift and I absolutely love it!

I hope you have been taking good care of your gorgeous self.

Love and care to you and your fur babies xoxo

Hello lovely friend ❤

I'm so sorry to hear you've had another rough week.

I am wondering if you have been able to channel any of your difficult feelings in a way that has felt like a release for you. I would love to hear anything you might feel like sharing.

Yes i was so happy to hear my friends' plans for changes in their lives. Their passion is climate change, and they've recently had a baby, so a lot of things are clicking into place in their thinking because of the kind of world they are envisaging their child will live in.

Have you had any catchups with your new peeps? Anything brewing with the community project?

I have been feeling really lousy the last week or so, maybe longer. I lnlw i told you i was doing better - I always feel like i jinx myself when i say that i am feeling on top of things. Seems to undo itself at precisely that moment. Not to worry, I'm just going with it. There is room for this too (i guess).

The garden is starting to go a bit gangbusters, that tower of flowers i told you about is definitely a leaning tower now, with multiple scarves. I've nearly lost it a few times thinks to the crazy winds. The bees are absolutely loving it, i counted about 20 this morning wirking very hard on it and filling up their little saddlebags with pollen. So that's a good thing. I hope they have a hive somewhere private where no humans are going to steal their honey.

Went to the beach last night, mrs b bravely went for a swim, i enjoyed just wading and burying my legs in the sand.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

Hello Grandy, and thank you so much for thinking of me and sending your love and care, plus a champagne picnic 👌 very lovely xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (birdy),

Thank you so very much for reaching out, for caring & for sharing, despite your own pain. What a blessing it is to have your beautiful friendship :)

I am sitting next to you, hearing you out if you want to talk or offering quiet company if you would prefer some silence to process things, my friend. I feel sad to hear that you’ve been struggling...

I am here & I care about you. I like how you’re taking your feelings in your stride though, even if it’s very painful & overwhelming. I think that’s brave...that acceptance of a range of emotions is brave, or at least I think so...

I can imagine your great joy when you heard your friends’ wonderful news. I think it’s great that they care about climate change & are making decisions based on the kind of future they want for themselves, their child & the wider community.

Your floral leaning tower sounds like a resilient fighter. Even after some close calls, it’s still going strong. A survivor. I smiled to read about the bees. I find them calming to watch for some reason...

I managed to make this particular artwork recently, & as odd as it sounds, I now have daily conversations with it. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol, but I managed to create something that really captures how I have been feeling.

There was a sense of relief that I could translate my emotions into something that made sense to me. Something tangible. Seeing as people generally don’t seem to understand me much at all, I’m apparently now resorting to talking to inanimate things...I managed to find some small canvases last night, so who knows, maybe I’ll soon have even more new “friends/family” to talk to ;)

I have been seeing some of the new people in my life. Investing time in getting to know them, because I think that’s important in pretty much any relationship/friendship: time & effort. It has been good as we have some common ground.

The community project is slowly underway. Community Guy is going through some personal stuff, so he has been taking a bit of a backseat lately. But it’s okay, a few of us, including me, have agreed to take the reins for a bit while he deals with some things.

How is your weekend looking, lovely friend?

I think it’s nice that you went to the beach with mrs b. Hopefully you’ll get to go again soon, and you’ll enjoy both sand & water :)

Always caring and listening if you wish to talk or vent. Thinking of you and offering some gentle company.

Love xoxox

Hello lovely friend,

I'm so pleased to hear you were able to express some of your emotions through your artwork. And double bonus is that now you have a new conversation partner. I can relate to that. I often have a chat with my pots as i form them out of clay. It helps!! I reckon convos create better art. I talk to my plants in the garden all the time too, and that definitely helps!

Did you make any more friends with the small canvases you found?

I'm so glad you've been spending time with these new peooke in your life and that your finding some common griund and perhaps forming some bonds. I'm guilty of neglecting the time and effort required in some of my friendships lately.

It sounds like things are slowly happenibg with the project, that's so good to hear that you might have found another avenue to put your energy and creativity.

How have you been feeling?

I'm heading to the beach for a walk and maybe a splash this afternoon. I've been feeling ok the last few days. I made yummy scrummy vietnamese style rice paper rolls yesterday with a creamy peanut dipping sauce 😋 they taste so clean and fresh . I can't remember if i gave you myrecipe for that or not. Don't want to overwhelm you though, i know i gave you a recipe or two already, maybe one recipe per year is enough for you 😉

Thinking of you, and hope you are taking good care of your lovely self.

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (and a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for your gorgeous support. I often say it’s so important not to take people for granted, & it’s something that I truly believe. Thank you for making time for me, despite your own struggles. It means a lot...

I’m very pleased that the last few days have been kinder to you, & that your spirit was lifted a little. What precious moments of relief for your beautiful self :)

The rice paper rolls and dipping sauce sound divine. I know that you gave me a satay peanut butter recipe. Is that the same one?

You’re welcome to share as many recipes as you like. It makes me smile when you’re talking about things that you love, such as cooking :) Also, I think that it shows a generous spirit that you would want to share your passions with me & anyone else who might be reading along.

I smiled to learn that you also like to talk to non-humans sometimes. I bet your chatter helps your garden bloom ;)

Sometimes things get a bit much for me. Life is hard, as it is for most people. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my emotions...

Sometimes there’s literally nothing or little that I can do in the practical sense...sometimes it just hurts, but there’s no remedy or quick fix (or even necessarily a “long-term” fix). Sometimes bad things happen...that’s just life.

But the minute that I can tell a story, things are a tiny bit better. Whether it’s paint or pen or choreography or gardening (or whatever each person’s preference is), it’s saying something. It’s a little like saying “Here’s my story. You may or may not understand it. You may or may not even care. But I’ve said it. I’ve said something. I’ve conveyed something.”

On that note, I stumbled upon the following quote about a week ago & it really spoke to me, so I wanted to share it with you:

If you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or who is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them & spread it around other places. Put your love in worthwhile people & things, turn the romance into passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your life.

- unknown

I hope you enjoyed time at the beach. I know how much peace that brings you. I hope you’re spending time with your mrs b and doggies as well :)

I would love to hear about your latest beach adventure and/or garden. Also, how has your week been going, my friend?

Thank you for your friendship & love..

Much love to you & your family xoxox

Hi gorgeous friend,

I absolutely love that quote. I have had a longrunning theme in my life the last five years or so where i have all this love that i no longer know where to "put".

That quote just says exactly what i needed to hear. And i guess I'm doing it, to a certain extent. How about you? I would love to hear more about your creative endeavours, or anything else you'd like to share?

I love it when i hear that you are expressing yourself, releasing those feelings and emotions.

I'm a wreck the last few days. Surviving. But I'm ok.

Just checking in with you.

Tell me anything you feel like saying.

I'm listening.

🌻b xoxo

Hi darling friend/b (& a wave to all),

Would you like to talk about what has been going on and/or your feelings?

I care about you and I’m here for you, and I want you to know that. But I also understand that sometimes you don’t want to discuss certain things, and that’s naturally okay too. Whatever you need, I will support and extend my love and friendship :)

My friend with the huge heart...I’m glad that quote moved you. Can I ask how have you been channeling that love?

I would think that gardening must be one of them ;)

It has been a long day. To be fair, most days are long days for me these days (laughs). I am just processing things...thinking about how my own behaviours & thoughts sometimes contribute or exacerbate my problems.

I feel my response to a situation can improve or worsen things, & I think that’s what I’m working on...my response chain...

To nurture resilience. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, I think bad things unfortunately happen at times...I think it’s not about avoiding bad things (they’re inevitable to a degree) but it’s about learning to cope/respond in more functional ways. That’s what I’m trying to learn.

For example, for a very long time, offline people would take from me with little to offer in return. It’s not about tit-for-tat or keeping score, but I feel a degree of reciprocal caring isn’t unreasonable ....

For my part, I put myself in that situation. For my “50%”, I let (offline) people take from me...I feel it’s not about being hard on myself or self-critical, but it’s about sometimes needing to take a good, hard look in the mirror to understand what I have been, at least in part, doing to myself/let happen to me...

The following quote almost literally stopped me in my tracks:

We subconsciously seek situations to act our old emotional wounds until we are able to heal them.

- Dr. Nicole LePera

As for channeling my feelings. I’ll tell you something amusing. I don’t typically show what I do to most people; it’s (usually) a private thing.

Long story short, a few strangers stopped me & said that they liked my work. Said that I was “talented.” Talented or not is less relevant, but it was about how on some level, my art communicated something to them. A feeling, aesthetics, a story, an instinct...something...& it made me realise that I can tell stories. Not necessarily in the traditional way, but in my own way.

Having a voice is empowering & having people listen is validating :)

Love from me to you xoxox

Hello lovely friend,

It sounds some circumstances in your life are encouraging some soul searching - a really healthy thing to do. If you would like to talk more about anything that's happened, I'm listening, but i understand if not as well ❤

It's so good that you're taking stock of some relationships or situations that you find yourself in (or put yourself in), and weighing up how positive they really are.

That quote is an important one i think, and i think it's true that we, or our subconscious, or our higher selves, (or however you like to think of it), keep leading us back to scenarios until we've learnt what we need to learn. Boy oh boy do i know that to be true.

It's a huge step in recognising and valuing your own needs as just as important as others. I can sense that snap of awareness in you - keep looking after that precious Pepper.

It is also brilliant to hear that you are feeling heard and validated by some of those around you with whom you chose to share your art. It is such a personal and soulful form of communication, and they are blessed to have been able to share in what you have created. I hope you keep going.

Yes i guess i have channelled a lot of that spare love into this garden I'm making, and into my little family and home here. I had a period of time where my art kindof took off (in a good way) for me for a while. That has taken a backseat recently - but it will return, i trust that it will.

I am doing better - i was triggered by something earlier in the week and went into a bit of an anxiety spiral where i wanted to burrow deep into a hole and avoid the world at large. I kind of let myself become a bit if a wreck, and now I'm ready to pull my socks up again.

Have you had a better day today?

Love to you,

🌻b xoxo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I can imagine the vast love & tenderness that you pour into your gorgeous family & home :) It really is your sanctuary. A place to both give love & receive it. That’s very special, my friend...nourishment...

I feel sad that you’ve been struggling. I know triggers can be very rough; they take a lot out of you emotionally. Gentle hugs from me and comforting thoughts...

It’s no wonder that you felt the spiral...that said, I feel very proud of how you’re trying to cope. I know it can’t be easy, & if you ever want to chat, you have a friend in me. Absolutely no pressure or obligation though...I’m saying that I’m here, that’s all...

I believe you. I trust your ability. I believe when you’re ready, emotionally & physically, that the art will find you (or is it the other way around?). One way or the other ;)

Thank you, as always, for your beautiful support. It truly does mean a lot to have your friendship. Blessed, really I am...

I think sometimes, even if unintentionally, we create our own self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, if a person has spent their whole life/grew up believing that they can’t count on anyone to be there for them, they might (subconsciously) seek out people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, flakey, self absorbed, etc...which then of course reinforces & validates their original worldview that they can’t count on anyone...I think this relates a little to the quote that I mentioned in my previous post...

I think to alter the course of where we’re heading, it requires consciousness. To think before leaping...to make decisions more consciously, rather than relying on habit or mindlessness...also, to understand how sometimes it’s our own behaviours that might need changing...

I think some (offline) people are just taking advantage...& I have truly reached my upper limit with some of them. I don’t want to cause a scene. In fact, I can’t even be bothered talking to them, as that means using my finite time & energy. I’ll just keep a polite distance, & that will tell them everything they need to know...

Here’s to change...

Do you have any beach or gardening plans this week, dear friend? I care about you very much & you’re always welcome to share anything (if you want to)...

As I said before, you have a friend in me ;)

With love xoxox

Hello lovely friend ❤

I think it is wise and self-nurturing to walk away from those situations in which you feel they are taking advantage.

Explaining or justifying your stance can sometimes help, but often in these situations it either goes straight over their heads anyway (especially the über self absorbed ones), or stirs up unnecessary angst & the best thing to do is turn your back & walk away. I have had to do that too, sometimes just for self-preservation.

I agree with how you described the self-fulfilling prophecies, & definitely making more conscious and mindful (rather than mindless habit) is a major step towards unhooking from toxic or unhealthy relationships.

I think sometimes we unconsciously act out of our own woundedness - we developed ways to keep ourselves safe or feeling loved somehow when we were younger, & now we're outgrowing those ways, or recognising that they're not helpful or that they're keeping us stuck in a place we no longer want to be.

I think that's where the healing you mentioned comes in - looking at the *reasons behind* why we get ourselves into these relationships, or why we keep accepting a certain behaviour from people, & then addressing those underlying reasons or issues

A mindfulness teacher and psychologist i like to listen to sometimes (Tara Brach) talks about a tool she uses with people when dealing with difficult emotions, relationships, situations etc, it's an acronym: RAIN and the way you are describing your process now kind of reminds me of it.

It stands for:

Recognise (whatever is going on in your life eg: The unhelpful, limiting and unbalanced relationships you find yourself in),

Allow (let yourself feel your feelings without judgement, eg: You might feel angry or irritated because you feel taken advantage of, or feel drained or resentful because there is a lack of reciprocal caring),

Investigate (look into the situation with gentle attention eg: You are thinking about reasons why you might get into these relationships or accept certain behaviours),

Nurture (eg: You hold yourself with compassion and realise that you can look after these old wounds or old habits with gentleness and you no longer need to be in those unhealthy dynamics, you are nurturing your growth beyond these limiting strategies that no longer serve you).

And you can use this cycle of inquiry again & again for lots of different feelings, situations, relationships etc.

Your process just really reminded me of that, so i thought i would share it, not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know, or are not already doing - i am just recognising your wisdom & smart way of moving through this whole process.

Go you ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for your love & support. Your insight, caring & making time for me means a lot, dear friend :)

How brave, even if very painful, of you to walk away from those situations. It couldn’t have been easy...

I like what you said here...

...sometimes we unconsciously act out of our own woundedness - we developed ways to keep ourselves safe or feeling loved...

But I wonder, is that even “love”...is it really love or is that just fear in disguise? I suppose it depends on who’s asking (laughs)...

I agree with you that our reasons for tolerating certain things or repeating the same relationships, with different people each time, speaks volumes...volumes about what we haven’t yet resolved within ourselves...

Thank you so very much for sharing RAIN with me :) I’ll have to let it sink in a bit...

You know how they say that the opposite of love isn’t hate: it’s indifference? I actually think there’s some wisdom in that...hate requires a lot of energy & effort. Hate is an effortful emotion...a person still exerts a lot of energy quietly seething...

But when someone is indifferent...I feel it’s effortless. A person just doesn’t care anymore. I think that’s where I’m at...

If I truly cared, I would be more likely to argue or try to assert my views (even if they’re not responsive or listening). I would fight for a relationship or friendship if I cared...but the thing is I don’t care anymore...I’ve emotionally checked out of a lot of things...

Thank you again for your beautiful wisdom & caring. I hope that I’m not boring you (laughs)...

How is your weekend looking and how have things been for you, dear friend?

I know you’ve had some recent struggles. I know sometimes that you want to talk, whereas other times you don’t...sharing or not, my hand of friendship is always extended.

Thank you for being my friend :)

Warm hugs & much love to you, mrs b and the rest of your beautiful family xoxox

Hello lovely 😊

No, i don't think it's real love - i meant that we found ways to make ourselves *feel* safe and loved, when really, we weren't safe or loved at all. And that's where our woundedness lies. Those strategies served us and were effective for us for a time, in terms of survival, but now we recognise that they're... i can't think of the right word, but *unhelpful* will do for now.

I think I'm trying to describe like an *unlearning* of tactics that made us *feel* loved or worthy or whole, back in the day.

The RAIN thing might be better explained on her website if you're interested, but i know what you mean, it took me a while for it to sink in and click into place.

Yep, i totally understand the indifferent feeling. It can be kind of liberating in its own special way! It frees up such a lot of energy to channel elsewhere and into constructive stuff like what we were talking about before. I'm glad you're not expending precious energy getting caught up in the toxic cycle of negativity, and are able to switch off and walk away. Awesome!!

I'm feeling a bit tired, i think i am kind of recovering after that anxiety spin cycle. I used to live on that stuff, and now i just feel wiped from it!!

I don't have any special plans for the weekend ... have to see what this crazy weather is doing as well. Had plans for a pocnic the other evening at the beach, but it went feral so had to change plans. I kind of feel like flaking out on the couch with a good book.

How about you, do you have anything interesting lined up?

I'm about to start homemade pizzas👍

Love to you,

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I think some quiet time, such as your couch and book idea, sounds great :) It sounds like maybe that’s just what you need...something relaxing and calming this weekend.

It’s disappointing about the beach picnic the other night. Maybe another another time...

Lovely friend, I know your spirals/spins must demand a lot from you emotionally...no wonder you’re feeling drained and tired.

But maybe in some weird, weird way, the exhaustion is your body/mind trying to help you....maybe your body/mind (or something) is now learning to “regulate” your spirals a little more than before.

As in, maybe after the emotional peak of the spiral, the exhaustion is here to help you preserve energy/encourage you to rest...as opposed to a spiral that keeps expanding or escalating. I’m not sure if that’s it or if that’s completely irrelevant, but you know....musings & all...

Sorry, my bad, thanks so much for clarifying. I realised what you meant when I re-read “feeling love” in your earlier post. Thanks again :)

Your support is heartfelt & appreciated, dear friend. I agree...I feel once you’ve emotionally checked out, even if you wanted to care, it’s really hard to even want to make an effort. No real interest or drive anymore...

As you said, it works out...that can be channeled into other things...

I have a lot of work to do this weekend, even though I don’t technically work on weekends...it just has to be done, so there goes my “weekend” :/

Also, I’ve just been thinking about helping to plan for some of my older relatives’ future e.g. aunts, etc. Most of them are still relatively healthy & mobile, but I mean in years to come...some years down the track...

Nursing homes & aged care is not an option, because we just don’t do that in the eastern cultures that I come from...it’s either hiring live-in carers or having them move in with various family members. But I’ll think more about that after the weekend...

I’m doing an art thing later tonight so at least that’s something pleasant. Also, I want to get into choreography when I’ve a bit more time...storytelling and all. Stories and emotions...

I’m sure your pizza will be delicious! Enjoy your Friday night and let me know how your weekend goes (if you want).

With love xoxox

Hello Friend ❤

Well now it's the following weekend - i hope you don't have lots of work to do and can spend a couple of days relaxing?

How was your art thing last Friday night? At least you had that evening to relax, to balance out the work stuff a little bit.

How has your week been? Any plans for the weekend?

Planning for your relatives' futures - a big task. It's really good that you are starting to consider things early, while they're still relatively healthy (no pun intended 😃). I think it's wise to start having these conversations before it gets to crisis time. I have that convo with my parents every 6 months or so, just to make sure we're on the same page.

It's great that your family will come together to support the elderly members. It really is ideal. It's something that causes me worries for my own old age, because my family is broken.

Some of our friends and us half jokingly talk about buying land somewhere and living like a little community where we can all be there for each other, a little utopia, grow our food, rescue some animals, share child care duties, etc - and look after each other as we get old. Probably just a dream, but it's comforting.

Have you been getting into any of your choreography? I think it's awesome the way you can channel your feelings and experiences into various ways of storytelling.

Your musings about my tiredness made a lot of sense, and yes i think it's a way of making myself slow down and recuperate after an anxious cycle. I have not been coping too well this week, but I'm just going with it. I trust that i will get back on top of things eventually, just not today.

🌻b xo