Hey DB

❤❤❤💌💌💌

Hi DB,

Yep, it certainly does sound like sleep plays a big role in your mood regulation and recovery. I hope you get loads of rest this weekend.

I'm glad you seem to be able to manage the BP mood cycling. I bet you have learnt many coping strategies along the way and it's good that you've found a friend and confidante in Starwolf.

Thank you, your posts exude warmth. You always seem to have something nice to say about everyone here. You have a kind heart, I think.

Also, thanks for the lovely things you said to me on Sez and Butterfly's (SN) threads. I forgot to address them (sorry) but I wanted to let you know that I appreciated them a lot.

Just keep being you ;)

Love,

Pepper xoxo

Thanks so much Peps :) (( xx ))

When I was young nursing first job, stack of chooks, and we know how that can go lol, just being honest men can be pretty meow too :D I realised people say so much of the downs which fair enough but not enough of the goods in people, I only say what I mean but they should know their goods aye & that they're appreciated. It's boosting, helps self esteem, good to be acknowledged.

Yeah Starwolf my rock, she's jeez I can't speak highly enough and keep raving on oops but can't help it even telling people in RL how amazing she is, the wisdom & learning here's great but also how she & a few others say stuff that I really need to learn.
Everything people say here's so encouraging & supportive and a few like Star are so on point. I'm trying to shutup cause probs continuing to embarrass her Lmao, I'm trying Star but clearly not succeeding :) Probs wants to give me a dummy but of course I've have to spit it

You know you're pretty special too don't you. If not slap yourself cause you are.
Hope you're feeling better today or worst scenario a bit brighter.

Yeah sleeps another of the devils playground, well lack of for all of us, we're at our weakest in those times, life's so much harder in every way. Only goods, those uncontrollable times when ya can't stop laughing at the most stupid things, it's stress release

Pfffttt had a lay down sarvo, bugga only dozed but had biggly stimulation with big hills walking, didn't past couple days, terrified to lose core strength for back, slowly improving thank god, still some OMG's but haven't needed pain relief phew. Neck pinched nerve settling too so gotta go easy on that to not flare it again YIKES, pain and more pain lately, rough as health continually & oh so much variety lol, last 4 & half mths, hacking other stuff but not neck and back, but at least better than other times.

Sleep well lovely thx for ongoing support and care too, right back at cha "bach" lol

Survival: Hey :)

I've been thinking if we can understand depression more it could help move through it. Moving through makes us stronger. So that's where I've been & at atm.

I still need to come outta this cycle that's turning into a long one which is dangerous for the downs but sticking to a determined different attitude, instead of knowing it's going to be a doozy like every other one I'm saying I'm going to get through and use above Stars distraction techniques.

The power of positive thinking, time will tell but I'm gunna get there.
Depression & all the crap thoughts are habit forming, so if we can change the thoughts....mmm....
The power of our minds, OH YEAH two swipes and I got that mozzy, soz yeah it's incredibly powerful the hard part is to get control over our thinking pattern and attitudes. Practice like anything makes perfect.

Sleep helps, LOT of. Tried sarvo but only dozed but nights, comatosed but that's good, the body can only take so much then it let's us eventually.

RockStar: That's right what you said about goals being realistic, I said to a GP once because with BP we can be dellussional (I'm lucky, not really, sometimes though when I come out of cycles can see how it does a bit, more belief in things for me) ..."How can it be dellussional if it can be achieved" he said same as you they have to be realistic. Good call.

And maybe a good idea is to put in place smaller goals as well.

Thx hope things aren't too bad for yaz

Morning DB,

Yes, I noticed that you do try to see the good in people. Speaks volumes about your Kind nature :)

Your admiration and respect for Starwolf comes across. She has supported you from your early days here and her wisdom clearly resonates deeply with you. Sometimes we find people that we connect with us so her words have clearly connected with you. It's a good thing.

Thanks for the compliment. I'm not sure that that's necessarily the case for me but I appreciate your kindness :)

Pinched nerve sounds very painful. Ouch. Also, I hope you manage to get more sleep this weekend to make up for your growing "sleep debt", and moreover, help you manage your mood.

Sending kind thoughts your way,

Pepper xoxo

Thx lovely Peps, I mean thankyou too

1st up yes it does apply to you, you're nothing but lovely & supportive to many here and you have your struggles too, it's not hard to see you too have the goods me girl

Btw your name's similar to forums in BB (big brother) yrs ago bumma it stopped. IF that was you we've met before :D

Hoping you're doing better today, I'll drop in later mwah

have lovely day, at very least some lovelies in it

Bit tense this morn but ok mentally so far so good, time will tell but gotta keep that determination and positive NOOoo blacks.
Tension I guess is stress due to extreme tiredness, can't get extra sleep today after all, plans changed but are good though.

bbl

.....monkey whizzing past.....

That smiley face is hypnotizing me....

:) good to see ya Monkey, thx for dropping or in this case whizzing by :D

Love the smileys aye, they were heavily around in the youngy days. Times were pretty cruisy then, they're a nice message I reckon. Colours blow me away

Ha,ha they make my eyes go funny. Yeah I remember those smiles :) and here's some 4 u :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) ...

Its a smiley day :)

ahhh thx Magic, need them atm & did smile amongst a few flowing tears. ( Exhaustion, been very rough past close to 5 mths, going to bed soon & just for a change, bit sick again but ok)

Sorry to put a down on our play, I can always laugh but just threw a mini vent in for good measure lol

Hey watch those branches ahead esp in your dazed state (my smiley)

Let those tears go, nothing like a good release after an exhausting rough patch, been there. I'm a past victim of abuse so I know what rough patches are lol...the wrong ppl treat u rough in this life, it happened to me.

Have a good sleep :)

But through tears & venting I think I got through it, or it might come back, what ever way its important to rest up so I'm glad you are. I'll have to read more of your thread to learn some more. I've read a lot about your BPD. Hard stuff but you are riding through it so u must have inner strength there. Im in awe of you to be honest. U describe it so well and manage it, deal with it and live....I deal with highs and lows and need to manage myself to be on an even keel, it would be easy to give up but never. I couldn't. Just have to stay put through it....

Enjoy your sleep :) :) :) :) :)

Thanks Magic :)

Feel free if you wanna talk here bout your life

I get so angry how some mongrels treat people, sorry for your horrid crap you've been through, sounds like and kudos you've pretty much got through it and more on top than under, that's mega strong.
I believe we all or most have the goods in us but as we know the beast is so powerful. Pricks. (no lady here, and boy am I holding back lol)

Yeah I'm ok about crying thx for smileys too :) god I could fill a swimming pool, too much, but recently realised it's not weakness as we stupidly think starting in our youth, it's an outlet of emotion, good or bad. Stress release.

Thx that you wanna read more, Ditto on others threads, slowly am also reading few latest posts I'm learning more about their grief, makes it easier aye to be able to understand/support.

Mostly I've been lucky in life, magic parents, dear Dad died when I was 18 living/working away from home in another city in NZ, which was a massive hit, lost my darling of 28yrs to leukaemia in 2015, BP downs I equate accurately to heavy grieving so last 4 yrs have been heavy with partners sister same yr and two other friends & more since & before, but didn't know I had strength until so many said I am, now know I am. Working on it too everything for that matter. Major overhaul.

People being people though had plenty (moved around a LOT in OZ lived/worked with many) dunno must have a sign on my head, a.holes, go for it....target...but I stand up for myself but ya know VERY FEW actually say why they give me a hard time. Blokes mainly, sigh, but mostly I get on really well with people. Lucky a lot of love/like. Doesn't do anything for low self esteem but learning to build that too, GUNNA WIN, & recently I think have taken suicide outta equation since loss of darling cause I know now it's the BP depression, depression full stop.

Learnt recently BP has far higher sucide rate than any other MI, I tried 4 times (teens) late age diagnosis.
I'm more than a rapid cycler (4 or more a yr) I have 8/10 major cycles. Joy :) getting stronger though, has to be positives in crap aye.

Thx listening, that's a roughy nutshell. :)

Tc

Hi demonblaster,

Ill agree that u r strong. Bd, deaths, blokes giving u a hard time, yep that takes strength.I believe we can still be strong during the weak times as well.

Ive been through some similar things to you & its a shame we've had to fill up swimming pools but I think it gives u a sense of satisfaction and adds to your character onces through a rough patch. It' s really good that the tears are releasing as well...

Blokes give each other a hard time & then pass it on to us, not fair. I've had my fair share of male banter, sexism, abuse etc, not nice. That's why I got out of one of my jobs, couldn't cope with it. Sometimes u just want to feel safe.

Self esteem can b rebuilt. Until its torn back down. I learnt if I didn't change my environment I would forever have low self esteem so I stepped out of those environments. Comes at a cost but worth it in the long run, as they say life is a journey not a destination...

Sounds like you have support around u which is good and boy do u deserve it. So much you've endured & continue to.

Keep your heart strong & wishing you luck on that grief journey. I've had many grief journeys ( death, breakups, other loses) & continue to so am filling that pool up with you.

Love monkey

lovely thx Monkey, I agree with what you're saying

Low self esteem I've recently realised it's one of depressions tendrils, a stronger one
Mine was rock bottom starting at about 9yrs, beautiful parents, was people, so called friends pffttt but to be fair they too were young.
Pretty sure if not BP all life something else pulling me down, I remember same deep depression at times in very young yrs but fortunately as a kid we have easy distraction so they didn't last long.

Yeah I"ll never understand why people wanna put others down, heard it's their insecurities but says a lot about them, we have em and don't feel the need to put others down. Belittle.
I worked amongst majority blokes cutting T.tree in swamp,God eye opener to OZ bush coming from Sydney, city all life till then, YIKES, think all the insects & helicopter size flyers smelt new blood, we'd be sitting in a circle, few of us and they'd beeline for me. Much pain there, daily untold bully jumper ants & the Red ones the whoppers, multiple bee stings once, spider bite, nearly got crushed by falling tree & I live to tell the tale lol. Met my sweetheart there so good outta hard.
Good you got out, only a couple of nursing jobs outta a few the staff were B's so I moved on, actually second one I stayed & worked out ok, sadly where ever we go there's that small minority of mongrels. What's the point as you say in being unhappy aye.

Truth, when we can look back & say we got through roughies, we should pat ourselves on the back aye. The mind in downs pulls up every friggen hurt. Happy to say starting to say yeah/nah, just the depression trying to pull me down (working so far) stoked. Dismissing it

:) our pool, pretty average aye at least we're releasing stress which needs an out, it compounds, pulls us down. IT's maybe a wired energy that if it's not used (adrenalin) for it's purpose if it stays inside, not healthy.

Self esteem I'm pretty sure to build means liking ourselves, if we do then we get a shield for confidence.
Do you like yourself now?

Nice chatting with you magic.... magic :) thx for calling. Sorry I didn't give you some choccy cake lol, anything sweet doesn't last here long.

Survival:

Matter of fact self talk: Head was starting to go South today in bed, thoughts constantly downers and mentally said Nah that's depression wanting to take me down, not having it.
WORKEDddddddd. Was really firm.

Also said in the mania (mind seems to open up, bloody amazing) still rational, same style, "I'm NOT goin down in this one" Firmly, meant it. For most I've read the downs are first, I have them before the mania but worse is after, unbearable.

Had some understandable sads being up at MIL's (mother in law) where we spent a LOT of time (late darling partner) & BP brings the downs on harder or digs em up from past & realised it's depression full stop that does this. IT's always deep but just to what degree.
NOT THIS TIME. Felt my mind making up & esp lately happy to say not accepting leaving as an option anymore that is was lately for quite a while. That's a lift, so there's only one way to go now. UP.

Not an overnight thing, & we'll see how it goes, but if I keep reiterating for belief & do believe it's possible contrary to a psychiatrist, mmm, it can be done.

The exhaustion use to be hitting the wall and it'd push furthur till total exhaustion, over the yrs I've pulled the highs down & don't quite hit it tho still do have exhaustion or as now deeply tired, amazing what stamina we do have

Also working on the list, life changing event, gunna get stuff happening, instead of doing nothing in between.

IT's happening, I believe I can do this, would love to be able to keep the mania though, may not be able to damn.

THink it could be about gaining equillibrium. Very much like Ying and Yang.

Ta :)

Good morning DB,

So good to see you retraining that rogue mind...The more you do it, the more momentum is acquired. You are one brave soul !

So hard to keep on top of overwhelming grief so...well done.

Can't hang around much. A full-on weekend (work) that has turned me into a blob. It might take a while to start making sense again. Meanwhile, I'd better take it slow.

Just had to let you know how proud of you I am and wish you a great Wednesday (yeah, I had to check !).

ALWAYS happy to see you :D Rock, sounds like you've got a stack on, know exactly what you mean about what day it is lol, I had mini arghhh what days tomorrow yesterday tell ya bout it later, excited.

You'll be proud of me and thankyou, >3 (heart) touching you being proud of me, mean it, I know I keep raving on but you mean so much to me, just hope I can be here for you too or make you happy like you do me.
Btt (back to topic) gunna be looking after doggy, YIKES haha you know my doggy fear (shaking emote) she's a beautiful well trained Lab so ... smiling with trepidation. AT least I know her a bit

Hope you're getting the NBN sorted

Take really good care friend. (( If you want these hugs ))

Thx for calling by :) always appreciated x

Hi DB,

I have a fair bit of catching up to do on your thread...which I will get around to in good time...

I just wanted to pop in to say thank you for your beautiful words of support (especially the second post) on the 1 Oct. Thank you. That single sentence (or 2) was perfect.

Catch up later but in the mean time, I'm sending you gratitude.

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hey sweety, hope you're feeling better, hate that you weren't travelling well xx

Thanks so much darl, lovely to be appreciated, I mean stuff I say hun, you seriously rock.

Looks like I maybe in trouble, hacked dunno for sure yet so maybe afk for a while. Pricks.

Take good care darl, you're worth it.

Hi again,

Oh no, that sounds stressful. Hopefully you manage to get it all sorted.

I appreciate ALL your posts to me but the one that I especially wanted to single out was your very last post on my thread (I meant to say the two on the 2 Oct...oops). Thank you again.

All the best with it. Sending kind thoughts your way.

Pepper xoxo

Hi DB,

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved partner and your dad when you were 18. They must have been incredible people and they were lucky to have had you in their lives, and lucky that you honour their memory.

I realise everyone is different but I personally feel grief and loss is just one of those things that stays with you. I mean, sure, maybe the feelings associated with the loss ebbs, flows and evolves over time but it's there...

I don't have bipolar so my personal understanding of it is admittedly extremely limited. But the cycling between moods sound very draining- I admire how you're trying to stay on top of the downward spiral.

I hope one day you will achieve the sense of equilibrium that you seek.

Gentle thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

you're a very supportive sweet person Peps, thankyou darl

I went back & reread the posts you mentioned & so glad you got something outta them, I don't say stuff I don't mean so it must be true aye :D You rock, simple as that chooky xx

Thx for you genuine sorry for losses, yeah agree it stays but the severity lessons, I think when people die and people hurt they've done well in life for them to have so much like/love. We don't have to achieve great things or have celebrity status to make a difference, Dad was soo long ago and it still bites, Mum too but I could accept that she made a great age & from nursing geriatrics before training you see a LOT of death as with other nursing jobs, terminal too (Palliative care) that there's times its a blessing in disguise. Ripped me that I couldn't get to Mum in NZ because I was a gambler compulsive but kicked it over 13 yrs now, thought less but just realised but so glad after lot of pressure got to see her before she left.
Someone said recently you're never alone while you have the memories, WOW ..sound.
Gunna try and have sleep, still trying to catch up but mood holding, think I"m on the way to kicken this, time will tell.

I'll flop in to see you sometime near future hun xx
Hope you're feeling a bit well lot better

Thx for visit

Survival:

Been coming down from a pretty YUM GOOD buzz (mania) & been a long one due to lot of people stimulation.
The downs were a bit during stay at MIL's (mother in law) use to spend a LOT time there with late darling, lot of ghosts but knew it was worse with BP down but hackable, knowing helps so didn't allow it to bring me down for long, but ok to allow thoughts, love doesn't die

Other times down thoughts have tried their best but allowed them then as Starwolf said but in different way I thought about other stuff, so pushed them aside & inner voice saying NAH that's just depression trying to pull me down. Has worked so far.

I'll know for sure when I recover from this fully, up to wks recovery from deep tiredness close to exhaustion but ya pull up to not go under which can put ya back into BP mania which it did once only a day though but it carries through, all good though. So far really happy with progress. IT'll be a first ever if I can get through this without anymore grief.

Belief & hope & determination good fighting tools, joked recently with brother saying I'll probs just get a grip on this then croak it lol but at least I'd leave on top, my goal :)

Thx time listening (Y)

HI DB

catching up on some threads here

how have you been? sorry i havent really read backwards yet

Hey darls thx for dropping by good cya,

Yeah considering everything, doing really well, determined to blast these demons & looks like this might be a very positive step in right direction, said to myself with the tough no nonsense inner voice I'm NOT going down this time. Working so far and soo friggen tired but amazing how long the body can keep going, at least getting some sleep even if it is comatosed lol. Having the odd sleeper but that's ok.

Popping into your joint now xx

Hi DB,

You really are very aptly called "demon blaster"; I mean it as a compliment :)

Your mum and dad sound like they were amazing people. It must have been painful to not have been able to go to NZ for your mum. But as you said, they both live on in your memory. Forever and always.

The BP depression/low mood must be draining. You have a great attitude about how you're trying to manage and get on top of it. Your determination and resilience will push you along, I'm sure.

Congratulations for being 13 years of free of your gambling problem! That's an enormous achievement.

"Demon blaster" indeed ;)

May you continue "blasting" those inner demons.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

Hey Peps thx for your caring ongoing support

Yeah got over to Mum bit before she passed, she had dementia & I could see her trying to work out who I was, knew she knew but couldn't make the connection.

Arghhh now's the really hard bits of BP, was and going to keep at the positive not gunna let it down me but feeling pretty average atm and teary. Around people but may have to just take some time out soon and get the head where it was in mania apparently, everythiing's doable in mania, this has been a long cycle, getting sleep but feeling crappy, so gotta change thought pattern I guess. If I think or acknowledge feeling crappy that's how it'll be but clearly got my work cut out today.
Gotta get back on top.

Hi there, dear DB.

I'm glad you are at least getting some sleep. Manic phases are exhausting so depleted energy needs building up again before much can be achieved. Kicking back without being dragged down is the challenge, isn't it ?

Nothing wrong with taking time out (that's what I'm doing atm). It's about taking care of yourself.

I hope dogsitting will go well. Labradors are generally not much of a challenge. Just watch out she doesn't train you to feed her every 5 minutes...

Sending heaps of love your way, to help you pass the day.

That's beautiful Star, thanks for the love, feeling it.

Yeah I think it is best to not try so hard to fight atm just redirect thoughts and feelings, had few tears but been out shops with brother and just walked lab with him too. Really enjoy our chatting we talk about all sorts of stuff, love him deeply & other too but this one very close & sil we get on well too and have chats and good laughs all of us.

Lol yeah it's inhaling food aye Phooey can relate when it's chocolate for me, poison to dogs.

Wanna tell ya some more stuff but too open here.

You OK Rock? if you're taking it quietly wondering if you're a bit on the blaghh side.
Thankyou as always dear lady, your kindness friendship & time you give others & me is so comforting. Hope you know what a difference you're making.

love back at cha (holding your hand) hugs if you want too xx