Hey, this is the first time I’m actually acknowledging the way I feel... even typing this makes me feel like i’m being dramatic in some way, and will probably burden the person who may choose to read this. I’m sorry and thank you.
For a long time I’ve been feeling like every day is such a drag, I have hobbies and I have amazing friends. But for some reason it’s like I want to be disconnected from everything and everyone. I don’t feel like there is a reason for me to wake up even though there are many, I just feel like running but I don’t even know from what. I’ve had 1 panic attack just when I was in year 8 (and now I’m 18) in which I’ve had to be hospitalised just for me overthinking common situations.
Recently I’ve received my ATAR, and it was surprisingly high however it gave me no sense of satisfaction. My parents were delighted and so were my friends. I recieved an offer from my dream university, yet I felt no joy. I always feel like I’m disappointing myself, like I just can’t be happy. A lot of people that are close to me often say that I’m changing into someone who’s ‘boring’ and emotionless, honestly that really stings. The truth is all I feel is darkness and I wouldn’t want anyone to know that, so I just suppress my feelings instead. I try to be happy and cheerful, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
Inside I know that I am depressed but I am way too scared to get help, or even admit it to myself out lout. Signing up here, was probably the biggest step I’ve taken in these few years. About a month ago, my mother asked me if I’m depressed, however she said it in a very undermining tone that made me hesitantly reply, “heck no, I’m no maniac,” to which she responded; “that’s my strong child.” I love my mother, except in our south-Asian culture this is just not really talked about. I just don’t know what to do, this issue is such a taboo amongst my family and makes me feel weak, like I’m disappointing not only myself, but everyone around me. I hate feeling this way but I can’t make it go away, and every day it becomes worse. I just have no idea how to even bring up this topic with anyone I know, because I never tend to talk about the way I feel. But I have to because I can’t go on pretending anymore, and I’m sick of hearing “you’re becoming boring,” and “it’d be nice if you showed some expressions.”