Hi Outside observing,
Thanks so much for bravely sharing. Your post struck a chord with me. You sound frustrated, perhaps angry and (understandably) hurt by your experiences...
Sometimes I feel people can have this misguided perception that racism isn’t an issue, because they haven’t personally been on the receiving end (or haven’t witnessed it). But when you’ve experienced it (& continue to experience it),I think you really do understand just how hurtful & unjust it feels...to be singled out for something so intrinsic to a person...a person’s cultural background/culture.
Yet sometimes I feel the irony is that when you’re the one trying to voice your own experiences, some (thankfully, not all) people try to shut you down because it makes them feel uncomfortable. I feel that’s sad and self serving, because it suggests they are more concerned about protecting their own comfort than showing compassion to those those who are subjected to those prejudices...
That aside, I can empathise. While my experiences aren’t the same as yours, I’ve also been on the receiving end where I have been targeted for my cultural background, and yes, it did (and does) hurt...a lot...
I feel the attitude in the place you live is clearly (& understandably) affecting your mental health. It sounds very toxic to have to live in a place where there is a strong undercurrent of those prejudices...
I’m glad you at least have support from your partner though, despite issues like the lack of intimacy. It sounds like he really helps get you through each day...
About needing a good psychologist, I know sometimes small towns don’t always have adequate professional mental health support...I imagine maybe that might be the case for you?
I’m thinking of you...
Kindness and care,
Pepper