At least once a fortnight I fall asleep with sunken eyes, and moist cheeks, having turned the lights out at midnight and cried until 1:56 AM. This is because I’m tired of being me, and as much as I say it nobody seems to believe me, so I just stopped saying it to anyone but myself. Every morning as I brush my teeth, I’m thinking that I’m tired of being me. As I catch a glimpse of myself as I walk out the door, I whisper that I’m tired of being me.

It bothers me so much that in 23 years I’ve never once felt beautiful. I still remember the neighbour’s boys telling me I looked like a witch when I was seven. I still remember, because I agree with them. I’ve never thought I was better than anyone, but I’m afraid that people mistake my fear of eye contact for arrogance. When in reality, I’m just worried they’ll notice how asymmetrical my face is, or how my nose droops when I smile, or how my teeth go up and down, or how I can’t imagine my face inspiring any emotion other than apathy in another person.

I spent the first 20 years of my life not caring about my appearance, and it was okay because I accepted that I just wasn’t ever going to be an attractive person. At 19 I thought I ‘d put on the headscarf, so I’d feel more connected to God. For me it was the only thing spiritually that I hadn’t achieved, and I couldn’t possibly feel less attractive so why not. Here I am now almost 5 years since I’ve put it on, and I’ve never hated it more. Maybe I hate it because I adopted it so completely that I see it as an extension of myself, and any opportunity to shed a part of myself…I guess I would take it. The saddest part is that I’m not keeping it on anymore because I love God, even though that is why I put it on, I’m keeping it on now because I’m worried that without it I’ll still be ugly but I’ll feel foolish too. Because underneath all of this material is a person who grimaces when she looks in the mirror, and who feels like a massive failure when she tries to look nice. And I’m worried that people will think, even if they don’t say it, that I should have kept it on. If they did think that, they’d be right.

Hello potatopatato,

Welcome to the forum and well done to you for posting here.
As I read your post my first thoughts and feelings were; that sounds like a very shy girl, lovely and softly written.
I am so sorry that you feel this way, even if I began to tell you that beauty is on the inside and it sounds like you have so much of that, it probably isn't at this stage going to make you feel better.

If you cannot see the beauty you possess and accept yourself then you are always going to believe that no one else will. You say that you always tell yourself that 'I'm tired of being me' but you haven't explored all of you and you haven't tapped into all of your beauty that is there waiting to be discovered.
I know that it must have been hard to hear a negative comment from the neighbours boys when you were young but that doesn't make it true, if you began to think it as they said it and you believed it thus you constructed that reality for yourself.

You thought by not caring for your appearance earlier it was ok because you resided to the fact that you were never going to be attractive, this is just simply not true and you don't have to accept it.
Please think about the positive things in your life, I am sure you have achieved so much, think of the things and the people around you that love you and would not believe what you say about yourself.
You are using the headscarf to hide from everything, it doesn't have to be like that and you need to start believing in yourself and your beauty. Do you have close friends you can talk to? Are there any female friends that you can spend time with doing things that are lively and make you feel happy?
Increasing your social connections, looking after your health and wellbeing are so important and they contribute to how a person feels.

Why not explore and join in community events and groups in your local area, this is a great way to connect to new people and do something different, it is a wonderful way to see what life has to offer and meet people that are not that different from you.
Please talk to us here whenever you feel you would like to, someone will always answer you and support you.

Hayfa

Hello potatopatato,

Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly and truthfully in this forum. I was nodding a lot while reading your thread as I can relate very well. My daughter who's your age also tells me very similar things. It's absolutely normal to feel the way you feel. It's not easy being a young adult. Is not easy being a young woman in particular. So many expectations by society, culture and religion crush our spirit. It's not easy growing up in a culture that is obsessed with beauty and youthfulness and most of the role models young girls see today are objectified females. The pressure is enormous to be certain way and look a certain way if you want to be accepted or desirable.

I often say, 'if things don't go right, go left'. If you are tired of something, change it. That's the beauty with being human, we can move, experiment, try something different etc. Especially living in this amazing country of opportunities, we can truly reach our full potential without having to worry about what others think.

I understand that when you are 23, being beautiful or attractive may seem important. We think others won't accept us because we haven't learnt yet to accept ourselves.

I think it's great to feel tired of being you. It means you are ready to change things. You are thinking about it. And you are publicly disclosing your feelings with others, which shows that you are in the contemplative state of change. It may not feel like it but it is a great place to be. You are aware and thinking of change! It takes time. lot's of time.

The reality is we are our own benchmark. No one else can do anything to change us. We are who we are and it's good enough. And what others may think of us is relevant only to them, not to us.

There are some excellent supports available that can help you deal with all these and develop strategies to cope. I'd suggest go to your doctor, tell them how you feel and ask for a care plan. You can access a psychologist and medicare subsidizes the first 5 sessions. It may be helpful. Also, apart from these public forums, beyondblue offers private chat/support one on one if you need it or you can just call. X

Hey potatopatato!

Firstly, I'm so sorry you feel this way. As women in this society, we are constantly told we should look a certain way to be appealing - in the media, in ads, on TV and so on. And it can be so hard to deal with that. I personally struggled with my eating at one stage in my life, and felt the constant need to continue losing weight even when underweight, because I was not body confident. A huge part of my recovery from this was recognising this as a widespread issue and looking at all the forces at work, e.g. societal expectations. One way I did this was reading about and following women who promote body positivity, and removing people in my life who don't. Have you heard of Taryn Brumfitt? I totally recommend her documentary "Embrace". Look into her social media posts as well. She encourages women to embrace their beauty, no matter what it looks like. Because guess what? You are beautiful, I can guarantee that. Asymmetrical face? Drooping nose when you smile and no Hollywood smile? Still beautiful, if not more beautiful than if your face was indeed symmetrical. Because ultimately, you are you. You are unique. And you are worthy. And it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks, and certainly not that silly 7 year old boy.

I encourage you, as I always do in my replies, to speak up and talk to others about what you are feeling, so that you can get some help changing the way you are thinking. It's okay that you are insecure. Many people feel that way. I feel like that much of the time. But it's about recognising these thoughts as ones of insecurity and not ones of truth. A psychologist might be able to help you with that, a counsellor or a best friend. You shouldn't have to live your life not feeling beautiful just because of society and because of personal insecurities, and the good news is, you can get help. I promise. Countless young women have been there, and have managed to change their thinking. So don't lose hope, and hang in there. If it's any worth, I'm confident you're beautiful because you come across as very kind, and I believe every kind woman is a beautiful woman.

And remember...

“A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too. I want to encourage women to embrace their own uniqueness.” Miranda Kerr

“Character. Strength. Intelligence. Style. That makes beauty.” – Diane Von Furstenberg

Wishing you all the best.

xx Josette