Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Topic: 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

  1. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    30 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie,
    I hope your doing ok.
    Here when your up for a chat.
    C.
  2. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    30 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey Richie (and a wave to Catie)

    I'm sorry you guys had such horrific experiences that no child should ever experience. I'm so SO so so sorry.
    It breaks my heart to hear how you've tortured yourselves and taken ANY blame.

    NONE of it was your fault.

    I have read through your entire thread Richie and I want you to know that you coming here and telling us what you've been through in your childhood and as an adult, is helping me SO MUCH to support my children. My children disclosed and we've been on a roller coaster journey of getting them the support they need. I've had no idea WHAT to do for them so many times and have had my own Counsellor and Psychs to deal with that and other abuses.

    You're both helping me. Big hugs.

    You're so strong. The predators' attacks were weak and cruel and criminal.

    It must be so hard telling anyone about it but I am so relieved you are finally able to reach out for help.
    THIS TIME is a pinnacle time in your life as you get the support you SO deserve to face these demons.
    No one expects you to do this all alone.

    Please reach out more to us and tell us how you're doing.

    Warm hugs to you both and many Prayers for your healing.
    EM

  3. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    31 May 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi Ecomama,

    I'm please to hear that you are finding these posts helpful. I often forget that it's an open forum as I find richie01 and I just tend to bounce of each other 🤦‍♀️ but I'm really please to think that just by being open and honest about our thoughts and experiences it can in someway help others
    Much love
    C.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    31 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey guys,

    im so sorry, I’ve had a hellish couple of days but I managed to take the kids to my parents place and have a nice couple of date. Been feeling really lost but that’s all part of this I guess. I need to stop blaming me for everything, I think I see that now. So hard to do tho right!!! I make excuses for everyone else and place the blame back on me, it’s hard not to do that. One step at a time. I love my children and I love my ex more than words will ever define. I know it’s a lost cause and it’s probably doing more harm than good me holding on like I am but it helps. Thanks so much for being here, one day I hope I can show the world just how much this place helped me. Fingers crossed it all pans out!!!!! Thanks again, and sorry I posted some negative stuff, please know I never intend to place that on you.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    31 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie,
    I'm glad to hear that you were able to get away and had some more family time.
    I'm sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment. Don't apologise for anything you post here, that's the beauty of this place, it's a safe place for you to say what you need to say when you need to say it to no judgmental people. We are here for you during both the highs and the lows.
    I hope this week is better for you.
    C.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    6 June 2020

    So its been a while since ive posted on my thread. I feel lost one day, found the next, lost again the day after or the same day i felt i was found but all in all, i dont feel helpless for a change. Its not terrific but its not terrifying anymore so i guess ill take that.
    I dont know what it is about our minds, they are capable of holding so much in but can on the same hand, let the wrong things come out. I understand its all about saying what you can so you dont have to actually tell people whats going on. The problem is, that those close to us get tired of the excuses and BS answers we give to the moods we are in. Its hard to explain to someone you dont want to hurt that i cant share this yet. That if this hurts me so much, how can i possibly put this on you. You dont deserve it, i dont deserve the comfort you will offer in return. That i love you with every beat of my heart but every beat of my heart wants to protect you. So you just say nothings wrong or worse, you blame them for your mood because you had to push them away so hard in that moment for you knew that if they asked just once more, you knew you would collapse and let it out.

    The irony of that is that the longer it goes on, the more agressive our defenses become and the more damage and pain we are actually causing. When the dust settles, when one fight too many has occurred, when they say goodbye, thats the moment when you finally understand they always knew, they were begging for you to be honest, to let them in. At the time tho, it seemed so different, like they wouldnt give you space, like they just wanted you to snap out of it and didnt really want to know what the real issue was. Thats when it hits. Thats when you wish you could go back to one time, one moment when they asked to see your pain and actually let them.

    Its taken losing the one person who made me realize what love was to let go of what i never believed i could. Losing her has made me drop my guard on the memories and feelings i could never loosen my grasp on. No one has ever meant that much to me, ever. Im not missing a relationship or a comfort, im grieving the loss of the most important person and friend i have ever had. Vulnerable is an understatement!

    My whole life i have guarded my pain and fear and tears and moments of despair from everyone. Why does our mind do this, why would we literally put our lives on the line to keep this hidden????

    I dont have a guard now, but i also dont have Sehra. This costs everything.

  7. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    6 June 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hay Richie,
    This journey is certainly one hell of a rollercoaster. The highs and lows are so extreme and you never know when the next turn is coming. Always on guard to protect your truth. It is exhausting thats for sure. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you to have lost what you have, but I'm glad to hear that you have not be feeling as helpless as you have been. I know the energy that it takes to build those walls that we have felt not only protect ourselves but the ones we love. The excuses, the lies, whatever it takes to divert attention so that they don't learn the truth. You know I still struggle with this. I have days where I think it would just be easier to lay the truth out for the world to know but it's completely, totally and absolutely terrifying. One day at a time right?
  8. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    6 June 2020
    Yeah, one day at a time 🙂.
    Thanks C.
  9. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    11 June 2020 in reply to Richie01

    Hey Richie

    How are you going today?

    EM

  10. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    11 June 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Im doing fine, ive had a few good days which sort of helps alot. How about yourself? I know it must be a really turbulent time for you and that nothing could have prepared us for the circumstances we face. You just have to keep it in the back of your mind that the worst days remind us hof how great the good ones are and that the next great day could be the very next one. Im glad youve joined in on the forums, i can see how much you are struggling with this, i understand how different the circumstances are for us but i know how hard it is not only to try and understand what our minds are doing to us but also to be able to reach out for help. Internalising the pain takes as much toll as the event/s themselves.

    Any plans for today?

    Hope you are ok,

    Richard.

  11. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    18 June 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Got a bit frustrated today but i managed to not let it stress me too much.

    Today one of the boys kept calling me Bill, again and again and again!!! So original when you share a surname with someone famous. I was annoyed with him and gave him the fun job of rebuilding one of our pump liners for the rig pump. I thought it would be a good way to get me out of my face but he then managed to cause 10k + damage to the pump by overcamming the drive shaft 🤯I dont even know how!!!

    Then i find out that the fishing comp is probably still cancelled due to Covid even tho the restrictions are lifting. Was looking forward to it this year as my kids really wants to go again, my son especially. Hopefully it can still go ahead, i know its something small and when you dont even have to travel because its in your town, its not that big a deal to go but yeah, that would have made me crack a few weeks ago, i feel like anything that doesnt work out is a loss right now and take it so personally. i turn 36 this year, surely i can cope with missing a fishing comp!!! My three kids love fishing, they even made me put a picture of them in my boat from last years comp as my FB profile picture, bless em. I guess thats why it means so much to me, its something i can always do with them and know theyll be happy, thats all i want for them. I still feel disappointed that it isnt going ahead but not stressed, its funny how we can be ok one minute but the smallest things can change everything the next.

    Guess we spend so much time and energy holding ourselves together that small things can turn into big things. Im feeling good tho, i know its petty but thats a sign of progress to me, the big things will come further down the road. Baby steps for now 🙂

    A week ago this would have probably had me in a mess. Today, im not too worried about the phone call i have to make to the boss lol. Progress🥳 Just need the comp to get the go ahead now and the day will be sorted.

  12. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    18 June 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hay, Great progress!!! Super proud 🏆. It's not an easy thing to not let things overwhelm you. The smallest things can make you go from 0 to 100 so quickly so, great work on keeping things in check, God knows I know it's not easy.
    If the fishing comp is cancelled can you still go and just have a family competition? I'm sure they would still love to go out and put a rod in and I'm sure you could come up with some prizes so they can all be winners? 🐟🐠🐡🐋🦈
    C.
  13. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    18 June 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Yeah, I can definitely do that. They love the presentation night with the fireworks and winning stuff as all kids do. It’s a pretty good company the Volunteer marine rescue put on every year and it’s sort of aimed at families so it’s nice. They all won a rod or a tackle box last year. So sorry lol have to step it up this year 🙂

    small wins, that’s it. Hard thing is I’m in a good place now and this is where you question if it’s really all that bad. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are things that I’m pushing aside but I have to put here. One week left now, then I have to start facing life again!!!! That idiot is still calling me bill! Oh to be 20 and think your funny again 😆 I hope I wasn’t that irritating.
    how are you going C? Any change from your last post?

  14. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    18 June 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Note to self... don't call you Bill 😂

    In a word, exhausted. Your right, I need to take back and be a bit kinder to myself. A few deep breaths and some decent sleep should help the cause too.

    I actually made another appointment with the therapist for next week 😳. Not sure if that's very smart or not yet but I can always cancel it if I don't want to go. I just feel confused about what happened this week and I feel if i don't get it back on track I'm not sure I'll want to go back at all.

    I guess time will tell. I just have to get to 3pm tomorrow and the weekend is mine - long walks to the beach and time to breath again.

    C.
  15. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    18 June 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    You obviously felt it was a good idea to book another appointment and went through with it so it is something that felt right. However it turns out, weather you go or not, you did what you felt was important. Just another one of the many choices on along the way 🙂

    you definitely have to give yourself a break and accept some credit for how brave and strong you have been. The hickups along the way do seem to be what we focus on, be honest with what you have achieved C. You’ve come so far, it’s no small feat and you need to acknowledge that. I’m sorry but I won’t ever let you forget that, especially on the tough days.
    you can call me bill lol. If only I had his money!!!!! Maybe I should see if I’m related... I’d give up the rigs for a nice job playing with computers. Can’t complain about money, wouldn’t say I’ve been wise in that part of my life but The work I do definitely takes away that stress. It’s hard but work but rewarding.

    Bring on 3 pm tomorrow!! Definitely take some deep breaths C and go for a walk early on The weekend, sit in your favourite spot, watch the waves roll in and take the time to thank yourself for being you. You’ll get back on track, it’s a life changing journey you are on, you will get tired, exhausted and a little lost along the way. It’s part of it but with a little care and a chance to take some time for you to regroup, you’ll see the way again. I’m there, I’ve been there so many times. Guess what tho, every time it seemed like I might give up, I found a way not to. You will too and I’ll be the annoying voice over your shoulder making sure you know it’s going to be ok.
    one step at a time but now is the time for a rest before taking the next one 😊

    krisrine Hersh . Your ghost. Don’t know why but that song popped into my head today, been a few years.

    take care.

  16. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie,
    Just checking in to make sure your doing ok today 😊
    Catherine.
  17. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    13 July 2020
    Morning Richie,
    So have you got much planned for your last week before returning to work?
    C.
  18. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    13 July 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey C,

    just getting everything sorted before going back. Been all over the place since getting back from the sailing. Been unusually anxious about things, more current than past related tho so that’s a bit easier to cope with. I think I always get this way before going back to work. When will it ever be normal right!!!!! So tiring and when all you want to do is talk about it but can’t for every reason we have ever had, that’s the kicker. Got to prep myself for EMDR next break. They want me to actually visualise details and focus on the things I don’t let myself face. Think it’s going to be rough. Like scary rough. Don’t really know if I can do it on my own through that but I guess if anything life has taught me, on my own is probably the best place for me. Not being negative, just realistic. It helps to share but hurts just as much to share it some days. I feel like your probably the only person I know who could understand that. It means a lot 🙂

    I’ve posted to your thread too, sorry I’ve been a bit out of reach, just been a bit scattered if you don’t mind me stealing your title.

    hope you are well.

    Richard

  19. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    13 July 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Bloody anxiety, it can be so debilitating.

    Normal.... i don't even know if that exists but I'd settle for calm 😉.

    Im not going to lie, EMDR certainly will be a test. I don't know about you but I don't see all of my experiences in 1st person, there are some that I actually see in 3rd person (like I'm looking down seeing it happen) and whilst those events are technically worse I don't tend to feel the same terror that I feel from the other experiences 🤷‍♀️. Apparently it's a coping /processing technique that I've used but I had no idea that's what I was doing. Just take it one step at a time and only do as much as you can handle each visit, it's a marathon, not a race.
    You forget, your not doing this alone anymore 🙋‍♀️.
    C.
  20. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    13 July 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Yeah, maybe not looking down but definitely like watching rather than experiencing. It’s been getting worse over the last few years, think I’ve slowly been letting it back into reality but just keeping it inside. Guess you know your completely losing it but keep on a face to the world that nothing’s going on. I see now that I’d pretty much convinced myself I was fine by doing it when the whole time, I was re living it over and over in my head. I’d be a great salesman lol.
    Guess you can tell I’m not doing so great at the moment, I hate this roller coaster ride. One day it’s ok, next it’s a mess. Yay for us right.
    anyway, we will get there. Baby steps 😊

    thanks C,

    richard

  21. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5897 posts
    13 July 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi. I noticed your thread and thought I would say hello and see how you were going.

    Unfortunately I have heard a few stories similar to yours, of a childhood stolen and years later it is still distressing. And you did nothing wrong!

    And now from reading your posts there is plenty to be proud of - kids, family, fishing.

    In your latest post you mentioned baby steps. I collect inspirational quotes. There's a couple that apply to you and I will paraphrase...

    The first is about moving a mountain by moving a stone at a time.

    The second is similar... It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop.

    Your posts show an inner strength and I'm hopeful you will get through this.
  22. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    16 July 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi smallwolf,

    Thanks for posting. Its definitely something that takes a toll. Admittedly most of our lives are spent like this, we only gauge what we think life should be like by the moments in time where we have been able to push the past aside and enjoy it.!!!

    Im finding as i get older just how common this is and its sickening to tell the truth. Id like to think that if the people doing these things new the full toll it takes on their targets, that they would think again and stop but lets face it, there is no soul behind those eyes and the thought of the future impacts on their victims would more likely increase the desire rather than to suppress it. I guess some people are just wired wrongly at the start, maybe they too are a product of their environment, who knows.

    I guess when it comes to sayings, i always remember this one 'your never remembered for what you did right, your only known for your mistakes'.

    I think because i have conditioned myself in such a negative light, this saying always hits hard. Like you could save 99% of the world but only be remembered as the person who let 1% die. Its crap, even our successes are failures for no reason other than that we cant accept that we are good enough. This is what these people do to us, they take away our sense of worth and we chase whatever we can for the rest of our lives to feel some sort of relief from that. Unfortunately because we feel like we are always insufficient, even when we do find something golden, we tarnish it with doubt that is unfounded.We make mistakes and cant forgive ourselves even though we should and every one else does.

    Doom and gloom right.... I dont see myself as a pessimist but i guess i am if you were to go off of the words i post. I do see hope now but the past has taught me nothing but failure even with the most beautiful memories i have, i think all of us who have experienced this are like this in a way and thats what we all want to move past, just so we can close our eyes and know that when we open them, that things will still be ok, so that we can let ourselves be happy rather than letting the past strip that away from us again and again. Id love to be able to explain every emotion that is associated with that window in time and how they have evolved into who i am now, i think it would really help people to understand. 'Baby steps'right, speak to yourself first, then take the words to the masses.

    Richard

  23. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5897 posts
    16 July 2020 in reply to Richie01

    I do not see you as a pessimist at all. And it depends on what we consider or count as successes vs failures. And then how we view failures. While I cannot say that I like ANY failures, my psych tells me that a failure is an opportunity to learn. Successes can be getting out of bed, going to work, completing some task. Perhaps a way of putting the negatives into another perspective. At the end of the day, you can write a list of all the things you did and hopefully that 1% you referred to feels smaller. Secondly, with my mistakes... I am doing the best I can and I am only human! Changing thought patterns is not instant or happens overnight

    I have told a story about a sheep in a paddock elsewhere on the forum - you mentioned conditioning yourself in a negative light. I will try to remember to tell you that story next time.

  24. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    2 March 2021
    Hi Richie, are you about? I just wanted to check in and see how your doing 😊
    C.
  25. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    26 March 2021
    OMG Richie, new imagine dragons!! I hope your enjoying their new tunes 🎵🎶
    1 person found this helpful
  26. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    11 May 2021

    Hi Richie,

    It's been a while, I hope your doing OK. If you do pop in here again, It would be great to hear from you. I do miss our chats. I think the connection and understanding that we provided each other was pretty special and I think of it often..... I am forever grateful 😊

  27. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    15 November 2021

    Hey Richie, I've just been reading back over some of our posts. I do miss our chats. I hope your doing OK. Always here if you want to check in. C.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up