I'm sad to hear your story. I'm so glad you have reached out to BB for support.
You are more than welcome to phone the 24 hr phoneline and speak to a Counsellor,
PH: 1300 22 4636
Or RESPECT: 1800 737 732
have had experiences like what you describe. I've felt the feelings, so jumpy I felt tingles and my heart would race, I couldn't catch my breath, & I it seemed, I needed to be always 'on guard', aware of, yet still jumping at every sound, & when people could walk up behind me, I just about hit them. I've been millimetres from doing that when someone reached toward me, apparently to touch my shoulder.
It's been a long time, and I still have some physical symptoms. Not nearly as bad as then, but sill some.
Slowly, slowly, I have become better, can understand why I feel so much of what I feel.
I could use the worst words and still not describe how horrible the experiences are like for those of us who have been sexually assaulted. Sometimes, there are just no words. But I think finding words is helpful.
The effects are deep and complicated. I do want you to know, YOU have NOTHING to feel shame about. Nothing is disgusting about you. You are not to blame. Whoever this person who assaulted you ,was the one who assaulted you. You did not do that.
I understand how difficult it is thinking about finding someone else to help you. I've done that a few times. It is always hard, but when I did find my current Psychiatrist, I felt it was worth the search.
Writing things out has been something I have done for a long time. I used to write, thinking, no one will see this, so I could write anything, no limits. Eventually, I needed feedback. Talking/writing to myself was not moving me along by then. I even took some into my Psychiatrist,(another) to read, because I couldn't speak my words aloud.
So, write here, & the people here are all here to support each other, In doing so, we help ourselves.
You say, you feel so robbed, meaning, you feel a large part of you was stolen? I get that. I don't trust, but still feel I could be easily taken advantage of. I don't want to get close to anyone. But I never see what happens, until I find I need someone, now & then & fear needing them too much. & so many emotions!
Complicated, that's why it takes time.
I'm glad you have some friends close to you. Tell them what you need , by way of what support you could use.
Meanwhile, be as kind & gentle to yourself as you can. Keep talking here We're listening.