Venting on recovery process I suppose?
I’m 31 years old and two years ago after dealing with growing up with domestic violence and an unstable home life I called my mother out on her partner molesting me numerous times throughout teenage years and early adulthood.
It hurt. A lot. Because the only way I have ever dealt with it was to blame myself or that it didn’t matter as long as my mother and sister were happy or keep the family together.
But what hurt more was my mother knew. There were multiple times I was the reason for the fighting because I told her, and it always ended up ‘my decision’... I was a kid terrified of losing my family and home. What else was I meant to do?
I had started therapy two year ago for depression and anxiety but it wasn’t until later I opened up about abuse. And it wasn’t until that confrontation I really addressed it for what it was. To then be told ‘well it’s your fault, why didn’t you do something’
To me that was the final straw because yes it was all my fault then. I wanted to commit suicide, and I ended up checking myself in. From there I tried to work on things. Therapy stopped due to limits and I just kind of ignored things again? I got work throughout 2019 and I shoved it all down again I suppose?
2020 happened. Isolation makes it so easy to get so worse again. Finally started therapy anew in October and this time round it’s really about the childhood abuse. I’m struggling with PTSD and agoraphobia and just…
I either feel nothing. No motivation. I go days without doing anything around the house or looking after myself. Or I feel so incredibly angry and upset. The idea of the outside world is too much. Living is too much. It’s this festering weight on my chest and knots my stomach. It’s horrible.
Does it ever get easier? Does working through it all ever get easier? I know feeling it so intensely is because I’ve shoved it down so long and now I’m trying to process it but I’m just so tired of it all...
I ended up getting a medical certificate for Centrelink as I’m currently on Jobseeker but it ended this week and I’m agonising over whether I should ask my therapist for another one.
I don’t want to be a dole bludger… I don’t want to seem weak or avoiding things but I also know I’m just not well right now and it’s so incredibly frustrating.
Like I said I’m just so tired of it all to the point I wonder am I even worth it you know?