Venting on recovery process I suppose?

I’m 31 years old and two years ago after dealing with growing up with domestic violence and an unstable home life I called my mother out on her partner molesting me numerous times throughout teenage years and early adulthood.

It hurt. A lot. Because the only way I have ever dealt with it was to blame myself or that it didn’t matter as long as my mother and sister were happy or keep the family together.

But what hurt more was my mother knew. There were multiple times I was the reason for the fighting because I told her, and it always ended up ‘my decision’... I was a kid terrified of losing my family and home. What else was I meant to do?

I had started therapy two year ago for depression and anxiety but it wasn’t until later I opened up about abuse. And it wasn’t until that confrontation I really addressed it for what it was. To then be told ‘well it’s your fault, why didn’t you do something’

To me that was the final straw because yes it was all my fault then. I wanted to commit suicide, and I ended up checking myself in. From there I tried to work on things. Therapy stopped due to limits and I just kind of ignored things again? I got work throughout 2019 and I shoved it all down again I suppose?

2020 happened. Isolation makes it so easy to get so worse again. Finally started therapy anew in October and this time round it’s really about the childhood abuse. I’m struggling with PTSD and agoraphobia and just…

I either feel nothing. No motivation. I go days without doing anything around the house or looking after myself. Or I feel so incredibly angry and upset. The idea of the outside world is too much. Living is too much. It’s this festering weight on my chest and knots my stomach. It’s horrible.

Does it ever get easier? Does working through it all ever get easier? I know feeling it so intensely is because I’ve shoved it down so long and now I’m trying to process it but I’m just so tired of it all...

I ended up getting a medical certificate for Centrelink as I’m currently on Jobseeker but it ended this week and I’m agonising over whether I should ask my therapist for another one.
I don’t want to be a dole bludger… I don’t want to seem weak or avoiding things but I also know I’m just not well right now and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

Like I said I’m just so tired of it all to the point I wonder am I even worth it you know?

Hi DearHedgehog,

Of course you are worth it!
You are worth getting the specialised help to work through your trauma and begin the healing process.

Pushing it down only works temporarily and I strongly suggest seeing someone who specialises in what you've experienced.

It's gut-wrenching for me being an outsider looking in knowing the abuse you endured. You were overpowered and it wasn't your fault. The perpetrator of the crime is to blame and he should be the one to carry it.

I'm really sorry you've been a victim of something so abhorrent but I'm also glad that despite the odds you've been a survivor.

There are a lot of you out there. It would be great if you could find some sort of group therapy with others that have also been through it although this doesn't always work for some people.

You asked whether it gets easier. Yes, I think it does. Once dealt with and purged I believe it gets easier. With major effort on your part to focus on what you like doing in life and remunise less and less about it the less power it has over you.

The memories will come and go. Distractions can help.

I find the more I do for myself moving forward the less I'm stuck in the past. I did, however see a psychologist under Medicare and have had 10 free sessions. I had to go through a few before I found a good one.

The inner work has to be done. I really do wish you well and think you're brave.

🙏✨💗