Yes, I feel all those things you said and more. I hate how services, people in general, the law and the society I live in have no regard for self responsibility for things they say nor how they treat a victim. This is a basic about life and most people do not even have a hang of the very basics. Furthermore the law states that because this is a "civil" matter of not only domestic violence but something far more sinister than that, the perpetrator is not accountable for lying under oath 66 times. Yet, if I say anything I am supposedly seeking revenge or it is tit for tat.
I have been told time and time again, do not show emotion and speak dispassionately. Anything other than shows that I am not mentally sound and could be using my emotions to garner sympathy. So, in other words, do not feel, do not cry, speak honestly and that is all. So, basically shut down expressing yourself, lest you look like the crazy one in court.
The the experience of people completely shutting down when I try to talk. My feelings, my thoughts and my emotions being "too much for them" because they cannot cope with their stuff or they just shut down" I have no more patience nor tolerance for it. No more understanding or compassion. All the does is enable them to be the same and think it is OK to respond/behave like that. In turn, I no longer speak much if at all, which means whatever "friends" I have left is slowly turn into nothing and I just feel nothing for them anymore. My heart is cold, there is no warmth there anymore like there was.
I hate that I cannot stop thinking really horrible thoughts towards the perpetrator. I hate that I am so angry and the only person it is hurting is me. I hate that I want the perpetrator to either go to jail or to be locked up permanently in a mental health facility who takes people in long term. This person is not safe to live amongst society, yet the law keeps letting people like this off to keep causing harm.
I hate that I have to go to court and defend the allegations set against me, knowing that the perpetrator is very intentionally using the legal system to further abuse me, to lie intentionally and make serious allegations based on my past mental health journey, brining up my past abuse by using that to make false allegations of how crazy I am and how abusive I am. But failing to mention my responses were a result of her abusing me and retraumatising me but feigning she was doing anything wrong.