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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / I am not able to get myself back together again

Topic: I am not able to get myself back together again

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. 2tired
    2tired avatar
    3 posts
    19 October 2021

    On the 6 August I left a very violent and evil person. I was in a relationship with them. I am in a court process at the moment.

    I cannot seem to get me or my life together again. I've stopped reaching out for help because further damage has been done by me doing that. I know I am a victim of evil cruelty. The thing is this evil cruelty has done permanent damage to my life. This evil cruelty has done damage to my brain. I feel it is not fixable, my brain that is. Its damaged skills that I had that do not feel possible anymore. I struggle to do them now. I am not only traumatised, I am horrified. I go blank as a form of protection to my mind. I'm scared of my lawyer, I am scared of court, I am scared that I am just going to sit and cry from the frustration that my mind will not work or that I have been so traumatised that I cannot talk.

    I do not even know what to do. I do not know who to see that can tell me what has happened to me nor what to do about it. I am in a therapy program but my therapist isn't helping. My last session I just sat and stared out the window, not there. Just stared out the window. I'm pushing everyone away from me. I want to say horrible things that enter my head but I do not say them because I talk very little now. It is like words don't come to my head or even make their way out of my mouth but inside I am screaming.

    I feel like I am beyond help. I am aware of things around me but they just don't mean anything or matter. I want to disappear and I do not want anyone to find me at all. Nobody wants to hear about what is going on for me. They just bring their own agenda in or there opinion of what I need to do or should be doing. Everyone including therapists treat me and the things I am going through like the elephant in the room. At that point I just want to tell everyone to get out and not ever come back. I've learnt that people are selfish when what someone else is going through creates issues for them whatever they may be, then it becomes about them and not the victim. This is what has further caused me to shut down. I have lost faith and hope in the world, in society, and I do not want to be around people anymore. I don't even want support or help because that has always come at a cost for me.

    I think it is fair I do not need to explain my decisions and choices to anyone anymore.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to 2tired
    Hi 2tired,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult recently and that you have had to navigate all these new situations and heavy feelings on your own. We understand this must be so overwhelming and stressful for you, so we would like to remind you that you are important and have such incredible strength. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5879 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to 2tired

    hello and welcome to the forums.

    I am sorry to hear of the struggles you have had and are currently having. It sounds as though everyone appears to be against you? That must be really frustrating.

    I did notice that you say you cannot talk / or talk very little now / and at the same time nobody listens to you. The other thing you mentioned as that you are screaming on the inside. I found out that keeping things inside is not very helpful and that being able to put those thoughts somewhere such as on paper or telling some is better.

    But I will ask... what do you want to say?

    Listening to you, Tim

  4. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    mmMekitty avatar
    1683 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to 2tired

    Hello 2tired,

    I'm so very sorry you experienced so much violence & are so traumatised by that. There's so much emotion going on amongst your words. It sounds to me like you feel totally broken, fearing to be hurt, angry, not sure what to do, how to say anything, I mean, what words are there for what has happened to you, & what you are feeling now? & Is anyone listening anyway? & it's really difficult to push through all that & keep going.

    I am here, if you want to talk some more. I am willing to hear whatever you have to say.

    mmMekitty

  5. 2tired
    2tired avatar
    3 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    in some cases of my experiences, yes it would appear that some are/were against me for no good reason. In my other cases it was simply a matter of people thinking it was/is OK to treat me a person (a victim) with such disdain. People that should know better and no I do not forgive or say, oh hey it's ok they do not know any better. That is a complete dismissal of myself and removing responsibility for people's choices and actions.

    Yes. correct I struggle to talk now. To communicate, to express myself. That is a consequence of the violence and the way I was treated/am treated in the aftermath. To not talk, to not communicate, to not express is the only way to keep myself safe now and I am too tired in myself to talk. I have cut off emotionally because my emotions are not important to anyone. I don't even cry anymore. I don't even feel compassion like I used to. The person that was before all of this is gone. I actually got rid of her. Her beauty and her heart is what always got her into trouble so I got rid of it and I do not want it back. It served no real purpose except abuse. 37 years of it and she was done. I will never ever bring her back. That is me keeping her safe.

    People listen, but they listen with their own agenda and without care or compassion. As cold as a fish out of the Antarctic waters. My post about what I want to say is continued below mmMekitty's response.

  6. 2tired
    2tired avatar
    3 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty,

    Yes, I feel all those things you said and more. I hate how services, people in general, the law and the society I live in have no regard for self responsibility for things they say nor how they treat a victim. This is a basic about life and most people do not even have a hang of the very basics. Furthermore the law states that because this is a "civil" matter of not only domestic violence but something far more sinister than that, the perpetrator is not accountable for lying under oath 66 times. Yet, if I say anything I am supposedly seeking revenge or it is tit for tat.

    I have been told time and time again, do not show emotion and speak dispassionately. Anything other than shows that I am not mentally sound and could be using my emotions to garner sympathy. So, in other words, do not feel, do not cry, speak honestly and that is all. So, basically shut down expressing yourself, lest you look like the crazy one in court.

    The the experience of people completely shutting down when I try to talk. My feelings, my thoughts and my emotions being "too much for them" because they cannot cope with their stuff or they just shut down" I have no more patience nor tolerance for it. No more understanding or compassion. All the does is enable them to be the same and think it is OK to respond/behave like that. In turn, I no longer speak much if at all, which means whatever "friends" I have left is slowly turn into nothing and I just feel nothing for them anymore. My heart is cold, there is no warmth there anymore like there was.

    I hate that I cannot stop thinking really horrible thoughts towards the perpetrator. I hate that I am so angry and the only person it is hurting is me. I hate that I want the perpetrator to either go to jail or to be locked up permanently in a mental health facility who takes people in long term. This person is not safe to live amongst society, yet the law keeps letting people like this off to keep causing harm.

    I hate that I have to go to court and defend the allegations set against me, knowing that the perpetrator is very intentionally using the legal system to further abuse me, to lie intentionally and make serious allegations based on my past mental health journey, brining up my past abuse by using that to make false allegations of how crazy I am and how abusive I am. But failing to mention my responses were a result of her abusing me and retraumatising me but feigning she was doing anything wrong.

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