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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / new person

Topic: new person

  1. Blue's Clues
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    2041 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    You're welcome. :)

    Yeah, it's a lot - I'm always exhausted, but now even more so. Puffballs will zoom away if I try to hug them - they grudgingly accept kisses, haha.

    I can only imagine how mind-bending it would be, to learn of your own husband deceiving you. I have a history of problem partners, but whatever revolting traits they developed I knew about in short order. I wonder about "there's someone missing". Was it specifically about him, or about your sense of the family unit as it should be? Not to suggest you don't know your own mind, just curious. I know you're not missing demon as you now know him to be.

    I guess you and Alexa have taken different paths with working through what you've been through. No doubt some things to learn from one another, there. Glad your counsellor brought your appointment forward, they know you're dealing with a lot.

    All I can say to all that stuff you have to organise, is tackle one thing at a time. You've go this.

    Blue.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. ecomama
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    2 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue

    Ok kisses for Puffballs only lol.

    The thought "oh there's one person missing"....
    Except for the Easter gathering routine... the number of ppl I was counting (going down the generations) & coming to a number for the first 2 generations that didn't make sense (in my zone of rote preparations for such family gatherings)...

    then thought "oh (that's right) there's one person missing", felt a pang of something like a mixture of guilt / shock / horror. Like a punch in my gut tbh.
    It almost took my breath away!

    I literally had to steady myself.... it was like I was in a different time zone... or something IDK...

    BUT I shared it all with BF today, he was so lovely, he was also shocked as I was at the time.

    I made sure I communicated that I would NEVER EVER even want to pass by demon ANYWHERE ever like forever - like eternity lol.

    I wasn't even THINKING of demon & probably hadn't all day or for days...
    Gosh I LOVE it when I do remember demon and it hadn't crossed my mind for X time!

    I kinda get excited and have a little YAY! In my mind.
    It's quite an achievement to have shoved that crap out of my head after being legally tied to it for decades. phew.

    I'm fitting pieces together more and more tho.
    P.son had come home the night b4 and talked about lots of things... one thing got me thinking about something I had forgotten and also didn't realise the impact.

    I'm now known by my previous surname is almost ALL sectors of my life.
    The kids still have demons surname.

    P.son brought up that when he's a qualified Accountant he would NEVER put his surname on any advertising, he needs a name for his firm NOT using his surname... I asked why.... he said bec of demon, he doesn't want to be associated with demon in ANY WAY AT ALL.
    He doesn't want demon to COME to his firm. Or any of that family...

    I offered for him to have MY surname and then laughed bec it's my PREVIOUS husband's surname lol!!
    Or he can take on BFs any time or wait till we're married... or use Phoenix as his last name - he said "too many bad memories using Phoenix"... another story.

    So "stuff" was on my mind. I'd gone to bed thinking of p.son - not demon. Just son.

    Long winded answer to potential reasons why.

    Alexa said it was a sense of family.

    BF was 100% kind & understanding.

    I'll be talking with BFs San Diego family tomorrow, it's pretty exciting! I would love to see them more often. BF is driving down there from L.A. for Easter.

    IDK, thankyou for caring,
    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Croix
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    2 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Dear EM (and All)~

    I can relate to p.son as I've done something a little similar. Although I remained part of my parents' world for hte first 20 or so years of my life quite early on I deliberately ensured everyone I knew (other than my parents of course) knew me by my second given name. Only they (and now government forms) used my first given name, which I still by association find distasteful.

    The is a lot of power in names and how one identifies oneself. Perhaps you son might consider officially changing his surname to something neutral or with pleasant associations, many people do (for valid reasons), not counting the rather unfair (in my more recent view) practice where many women change their surname on marriage.

    While 'Jarndyce' springs to mind it probably would not be a good idea

    I hope you enjoy talking with BF's San Diego family and relate well.

    Croix

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  4. ecomama
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    3 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix, thankyou.

    Yes I agree 100% with son wanting to change his name. I try to empower ALL of my children to follow their individual paths and KNOW themselves and what THEY want.
    It's really nothing to do with me. I just see my role as supporter and facilitator, some times cook and laundry maid lol.

    Tbh I think p.son will want to ditch his second name AND surname. demon named him... I feel so sorry he feels this way but it IS easily solved!

    He just has to make the decision about WHAT name to change to.

    Lol Jarndyce no.... maybe D'ARCY! Hahaha but he'll think it's a joke, us being huge Pride and Prejudice fans. It will NOT be Wickham! Apologies to any ppl with those surnames, it's ALL good!

    I also said he if he come to be married one day, he could take on his wife's name.... THAT's a novel idea lol.

    Then there's the thing for him of being the same as his brothers... so this could be a ripple effect. That's okay too.
    Youngest daughter plans to change her name to BFs surname - it's a pretty smooth surname lol.

    Tbh I was happy to change my surname to my Hs the first time... my parents argued my whole life as to WHICH surname I should have. So I had 2 all my life till I got married... it was confusing. Plus each parent would get angry with me if I identified as the other surname.

    I won't do that to any of my children. They can do whatever they want with their names with my 100% blessing.

    Thankyou for your awesome input as always lol
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Blue's Clues
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    2041 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM (with a wave to Croix),

    I guess they know they are too small for hugs, the idea scares them.

    I understand. I wouldn't interpret it as missing him. As you said, there was a family unit you thought you had, it's okay to grieve for that and be mystified sometimes by how it ended up. In that way, I think Alexa is right about the sense of family. It's good you're having longer periods now without the ex coming to your mind. Getting there myself with my last ex. Got more important stuff to think about!

    I understand how prodigal son feels about his surname. Our names aren't just words, they are the things that identify us. By holding that surname he feels tied to where it came from, and I can only imagine how difficult that must be for him. It's great that you're supporting him to make whatever changes he needs to regarding his name. Sounds like he needs to open a whole new chapter for himself there, create his own identity outside of the mess you've all endured.

    You sound pretty chuffed to be talking to BF's San Diego family. Enjoy. :)

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. ecomama
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    3 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    You're not gonna believe this but I MISSED their call today!
    I think BF will be really upset with me... I apologised prolifically via text when I realised, 2h later... eeeek.

    Not sure if it can happen tomorrow.

    TODAY I woke at 4:30am with an inkling something wasn't quite right.
    Well I was right... something to do with POODLE and POOP. GRRR.

    So before dawn I had that revolting job... then needed to clean myself bec I felt like vomiting lol.

    After a short time on the forums... tapping into the level of anxiety I felt, I had some fussing with family early this morning... omg everyone is feeling anxious atm...

    THEN they went to the zoo...

    I stayed home and MOVED over 100 x 10L buckets of soil being the TURKEY'S mound.... using that light weight shovel was a Godsend!

    I stopped counting at 100 buckets... but it went on and on... I still have HUGE buckets all around the garden lol. Whatevs!

    The turkey watched me do this ALL DAY LONG.

    The turkey started putting it back the minute I went inside!
    omg.... so with a vengeance, as it was getting dark, I brought up long timber planks and bricked it up, THEN put all these branches all over the area extending outwards.

    Seriously Blue THIS really helped the anxiety diminish so much I can barely feel it.

    But I needed to clean the laundry (because it's so disgusting - the chooks live in there)... BECAUSE I need to get quotes for the roof and ceiling AND the "man hole" to get up in there is in the laundry...

    The laundry's drainage hole was completely covered up by the turkey mound.

    So I had to work a domino effects backwards...
    I want to call 2 Roofing companies on Tues when they're open again.

    I had a long scrubby bath with the bath hose running almost the whole time lol because I was filthy!

    I'm yet to scrub the laundry even up the walls... erghhh. I have till Tues to do that.

    P.son went to the zoo with all the others today and he's doing okay tonight.

    HAPPY EASTER Blue and everyone!

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Blue's Clues
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    2041 posts
    4 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Oh crumbs. Sorry you missed their call. You didn't do my trick of having your phone on silent in a critical moment, did you?

    Oh dear, a poop incident. In light of pups being toilet trainable, is Poodle okay? Have you caught up on sleep after that rude awakening?

    Glad the family had a zoo day, time around animals (especially ones one doesn't have to clean up after) is good for healing. They are so engaging.

    Good grief, was there not a more efficient way than buckets for that job? That said, nothing quite like hard work for taking your mind off anxiety. The physicality of it burns off extra energy and draws you into the moment mentally. Or that's what I find, anyway. Can't help but chuckle at the picture of the turkey just watching you the whole while.

    I get the whole domino effect of jobs - that's something that really does my head in. I can imagine the laundry with chickens in there making thier mess. Give yourself some leeway with that, in light of not needing it done until Tuesday. Maybe enlist the aid of offspring?

    Not surprised you wanted a bloody good bath!

    Glad prodigal son joined in on the zoo adventure. Good for him.

    Happy Easter, EM (and all).

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. ecomama
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    4 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    The fam are on their way over... gonna be a big fry up for "Brunch" lol... that's what THEY are doing so I'm thrilled lol.

    Well I started scrubbing the laundry walls this morning... tbh I'd rather the kids NOT help!
    Not only did they flood the laundry into the house last time (yep ooops) but they tramped mud all thru the house last time too lol... but only p.son is home atm.. the others are either at work or I think the others forgot about buying eggs for Easter so they've gone out to the Shopping centre lol.

    Whilst I got busy in the laundry, p.son cleaned their rooms up! Made their beds, emptied their garbages etc. How sweet is that!

    AT LEAST the drain pipe is clear to the outside garden from the laundry.
    I think I need to put some pavers in a "path" under the drain so it doesn't erode the soil there into the drain below it - in front of the garage door ugh - THAT drain is chocka block full of soil at one end atm... such a huge job there too...

    HOPEFULLY the water coming from the laundry drain lol can run down the path I make and help wash some of the soil away from the garage drain.

    I have a VERY early dentist appt tomorrow morning (yep Easter Mon lol) and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel afterwards.
    I think I'll be scrubbing late into the night AND I found all this stuff in there that I was "hiding" from demon lol - gosh THOSE were the days!
    So ALL that can go into the garage now yay.

    Thanks for popping in, I know how busy you are atm and I really appreciate your time and attention.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Jstar49
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    567 posts
    4 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Em,

    Well I did plan to catch up on your thread 4 days ago, but here I am. You sound busy, and like there's lots of balls in the air- as per usual. I did however notice a brief comment about you feeling anxious about having too much free time. To think, you said, but maybe, to feel...?

    Dear Em, I know you know this, but please make time for those feelings. And if they do flood you at a time when you're shovelling turkey mounds, or cleaning laundries, or fixing roofs (well, organising said fixing of roofs etc) Then just know that you are safe, and trust yourself to let it out, as you need to. Nothing is more important than you grieving, and letting go. It does sound like this recent loss of your friends daughter is triggering your own past losses, as well as the very real grief of losing someone in your circle. You are a very caring woman, and could not help but be touched by this on so many levels.

    Wouldn't it be nice to be able to call HALT for a while?

    I will be thinking of you, and hoping and praying for things to settle, and tasks to be completed easily and effortlessly.

    Much care,

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  10. ecomama
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    5 April 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hi J*

    Welcome back! Thankyou for popping in, I hope you're doing okay?

    I completely understand why you're saying that, perhaps I'm too "experienced with grief" and know this process all too well when someone loses a child. I could give you the back story for myself but it's a LONG one.. supporting my mother through the loss of her own child, my younger brother...

    then other friends for such a long time...

    it's something that never leaves a mother.

    So yes indeed the moment I heard on Tuesday, I fell apart. Triggered pretty deeply and left work. I was crying too much to stay at work. Cried all the way home.

    When I got home I called ppl I had to tell, cried more.

    Simultaneously I realised THIS event was not my child (but I am ALLOWED to grieve as deeply as I want to) and...
    My friend(s) would need me to be truly empathic but strong... and I knew full well that I (again) will be one of the only ppl they can talk freely about their loss for the rest of our lives.

    The impact of knowing this gave me the capacity to LOVE my life right now.
    Broken roof, difficulties in ANY form is LIFE.
    I could breathe deeply, love the views, BE in the moment.

    So whatever I'm feeling, I'm allowing it, but with the knowledge of what's to come... should I be blessed enough to live a long life.

    My Grandmother was a great great grandmother when she passed at almost 100yo.
    She and I spoke of deep topics when she allowed it... once she said to me 'something no one tells you about growing so old is that you lose everyone around you...' she told me how when she was 70yo she gave up making friends older than 50yo and the lost them all and kept going..
    this happens, it's happening to me..

    all this knowledge my elders passed on to me is extremely useful as I move forward.

    With the border closures and the lock down where my friend lives, this means I cannot travel there...
    She has MANY ppl around her atm, I'm very grateful for that.

    Grief is a part of life, if there's anything to take from all the losses I've experienced so far, it's that I KNOW grief.
    All the tumbling whys and how could this happen and why take a beautiful person and all the rest.. I went thru that hard core on Tuesday. I had been preparing for 2 weeks while she was in a coma.. Praying and WISHING so hard she would come out of it, this didn't happen. She passed and this is something I accept now and the horrible grief to follow, most esp for her family.

    Love EM

    3 people found this helpful
  11. mb20lover
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    3350 posts
    5 April 2021

    Hi EM, J, Blue and others.

    I hope you're all doing ok and had a good Easter. Hugs to all if anyone wants one/if that's ok.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. ecomama
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    6 April 2021 in reply to mb20lover

    Hey Tay

    HAPPY EASTER TO YOU TOO!

    Yes it was a lovely Easter time. I hope the Easter Bunny came to you?

    I'll have some hugs YES!
    Hugs right back at ya, lovely girl.

    Love EM

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  13. ecomama
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    6 April 2021

    Update: Putting "first things first"

    Just waiting till the time I can call 2 Roofing firms today to book in quotes asap... it just started raining, so not happy about that!

    The essential work is fixing the roof, probably cracked tiles I'm surmising, plus other repairs.
    I've got a few "extras" like a whirly bird to replace the skylight, installation of gutter guard etc.
    Hope quotes come in UNDER the finances I have!

    The cosmetic repairs are to the ceiling and can wait.

    I'm VERY happy with myself that I put extra money against the mortgage.
    I intend to cancel my mortgage payments this week, and possibly next fortnight, to be able to pay for the repairs. The mortgage can be paid via the monies I paid ahead of time.
    Not sure if my savings alone will cover the repair costs.
    Both firms need to be paid via cash or electronic cash transfer...

    so I've been using my credit card for all other costs for kids.

    I'm out alot with the kids today, ice skating, banking I hope... other stuff.
    Counselling tonight.

    I need to seek and FIND any roof tiles in the garage pretty soon, for the roofers to use.

    AND finish cleaning the laundry. It will do for now, but still needs alot of cleaning!!!

    On a funny note... 2 false nails have been "sacrificed" lol... I can assume more losses to come with all this work.

    We've had to postpone the changing of beds around due to p.son having so many allergies to dust or fur or whatever. He's going back South on Friday... we need to do all that after he leaves.

    Plus I've been chipping away at my Tax Returns - LOTS of work there... majority needs to be done in the next 10 days.

    Better get on.

    Hope everyone has a great day!

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Jstar49
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    567 posts
    6 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Whew!

    As usual, I hear you doing the work of three people Ecomama!

    Hope you get thru your day with lots of laughs- I like my chances! You're a person who knows how to laugh Em.

    I like the sound of the iceskating!

    Today I'm finalising some work paperwork, after taking our dog to the vet. Poor thing got a hot spot- a quick spreading sore, on his head, over the long weekend. Glad I've got a bit of a breather before work starts properly to attend to things. I should have my own roster next week tho, and an idea of what sort of hours I'll be expected to do.

    Thats a good idea to use the mortgage payments to pay for repairs-good thinking!

    Seek and you shall find! Even roof tiles!

    I'm kinda surprised the nails lasted so long tbh. I am constantly surprised by you Em ;) xxx

    Love,

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  15. ecomama
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    7 April 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Aha Yes! lol I can't believe the nails lasted so long EITHER hahaha... they are sadly departing one by one now... might get them redone on Friday, just the horrendous decision making process about WHAT COLOUR!

    Just joking.

    How you doin'?

    omg I'm so addicted to these YouTube channels that catch predators in the U.S. I'm SO jealous that many things they use to solve crimes are way more progressive than here!

    They do Familial DNA testing there now... I Googled it here and they've started in baby steps for missing ppl, which I'm SO grateful for ofcourse, BUT announced that they would NEVER use it to solve ANY serious crimes!
    WHY? I can answer that... our entire system would collapse.

    I had Counselling last night.. I used a technique last Tuesday & last week that I hadn't done so thoroughly before... to "regulate" myself.

    Apparently we "use" MH professionals, even family, friends, possibly forums like these, to "co-regulate" ourselves when we're feeling stressed, distressed or suffering from MHIs, basically to REGULATE ourselves.

    So last Tues, when I heard that shocking news & I was inconsolable... I came home and imagined what my Counsellor would say to me... a bit like WWJD lol but "What Would Sami Say?" ... Sami is NOT her real name. Then also what would the Head Psych say to me...
    I had one answer at a time and employed them.
    I felt 'better' pretty quickly.

    My Counsellor laughed her head off about me comparing her to Jesus lol, we joked about it.
    She said I was doing well, but we're having another appt next week.

    One roofing firm phoned back yesterday. He sounded rather "unprofessional" - maybe a bit haphazard... he's coming to quote on Friday.
    Hopefully the other one will call back today.

    I ended a call early with BF yesterday. Seriously?
    woah boy he gets into this "zone" of 'mansplaining' and talking to me like I'm a 2 or 3yo lol and I'm feeling the pressure building inside my chest & it seems NO MATTER what I say... in a joking fashion like "I'm NOT 2yo... stop speaking to me like that... I don't need you to MAINSPLAIN this to me.. I wasn't born YESTERDAY"

    He kept going!
    I said I'm getting off the phone, I don't need to waste my time arguing with my BF. Bye!
    I recovered pretty quickly. Getting a bit riled up now but wow... sick of this.

    Another big day today... woke early, got this party started!
    Love EM

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  16. monkey_magic
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    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama
    Hi Em, ( and all )

    I've been catching up on your thread reading back on quite a lot of posts.

    You've certainly got lots going on and it's great you've been supported through by your councillor, BB etc etc...

    Yes, those rains were quite something. Wishing you the best of luck hiring the right person for the roof job 😉

    You are such a great friend feeling things deeply while also being strong for others in your life because they need you. They couldn't ask for more in my opinion. The fact you feel " life" with your friends speaks volumes. You are in touch with humanity and yourself on many levels. 💕
    Best of luck working through everything...it's an ongoing journey hey....have lots of reprieve too.

    Ice skating is so much fun...and a great physical outlet. Hope you really enjoyed it.

    Good luck with what you're working on at work, it sounds like such a wonderful and important project.

    And I hope you get lots of money back from the tax man, you deserve it!

    💸🤍💕


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  17. ecomama
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    7 April 2021 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hey monkey girl!

    I'm SO impressed by all the really positive changes YOU are making in your life... so impressed!

    I took a break from my Taxes for the past 2h to pop in here... ah doubt I'll get ANYTHING back at all lol, it will be taken to pay back other stuff... BUT the more thoroughly I can do my Taxes, the better the financial situation will be. I ALWAYS do them to the nth degree lol then ALWAYS put my receipts and spreadsheets through a Registered Accountant.
    ALL GOOD.

    I've been working on something (else lol) in my own way of thinking, that you may relate to...

    I see ppl ask "why isn't life easy?" and stuff like that...

    I'm trying not to give any negative emotive thinking to alot of things that may have annoyed me previously... I think with the deaths of young ppl I cared about, it's caused a paradigm shift for sure but I wanted to extend the experiences if that makes sense...

    SO I made the decision to accept that life WILL throw things at me.
    Even the huge, awful things.... but I have been thru all that and like a Phoenix, risen and overcome.
    For this I'm grateful.

    SO now, even with the things that annoy my kids... eg  my daughter wanted to write to p.son's exGF who has put him in a very challenging situation now... She was angry...

    I said Why don't you write her a THANKYOU Letter and not send it...
    THANKYOU that p.son isn't tied to that kid of lifestyle and family for much longer and went on...

    Alexa LAUGHED.

    For the choices we DO have, we have the choice in how we THINK about them and also about the PERSPECTIVES we have on any and all events.

    I think by doing this, it frees our minds up to achieve the dreams we have for our lives.

    It's a really beautiful space to inhabit being free.

    Yep I have a quote on Friday for my roof lol.... I'd Prayed for a Carpenter to "cross my path" to fix the ceilings and I hope the one I saw yesterday is that person.
    I need all the ancient ducted air con vents removed and the holes repaired. PLUS the skylight removed and hole patched up. PLUS the bowed ceiling repaired.... maybe some other things Uncle has yet to fix.

    seems like I'm rebuilding my ENTIRE HOME lol.... I may be doing JUST that. 😉🥰
    Good thing too lol.

    Love EM

     

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  18. Croix
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    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Dear EM

    Your talk of the letter and laughter reminds me of an episode from a very long time ago which I wrote about here on the Forum in the first 3 paragraphs in this post:-

    https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/permalink/qlj0KnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    They tell the tale, (we were both from the same area in the police and ended up on the same ward).

    The remainder of that post is irrelevant.

    If you don't mind me saying so your handling of the situation shows wisdom

    Croix

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  19. ecomama
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    7 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Thankyou Croix, a humbling compliment from a formidable man.
    I appreciate it very much.

    I read that post... nice one!

    I guess some times it's best to listen, other times give out a radically different life buoy lol... anger is so necessary at injustice... esp if it kicks us into positive action of some type.... then after burning fury blazes away we can hopefully realise that it's ONLY harming us!

    when our anger is ONLY harming us, methinks it ain't beneficial any more.

    Do you know sometimes I'm SO grateful that I read so much about survivors of the Holocaust when I was a child.
    I have memories of their stories... they're SO amazing.
    Decades later I became friends with 3 wonderful ladies, all from different families, whose parents survived / escaped the concentration camps... very different outcomes of their lives afterwards.

    I'm in awe of all of them.
    Stories like these have become kind of "role models" for me.

    I think there's much to research about pushing for survival and thriving...

    Just my random thoughts late at night lol.

    Love EM

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  20. ecomama
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    8 April 2021

    Update: perseverance and resilience REALLY pays off!

    It's funny that sometimes I remember what wise people have said to me... or just remembering feedback from MH profs (gosh I've seen so many over the years)..

    Sami (my Counsellor - not her real name)... said to me in our last appt that resilience & perseverance are the underpinning characteristics of why our family is recovering well. She's mentioned this many times before.

    Wow it really DOES pay off.

    P.son has been here all week and had "time" without being shoved around all the time as he is down South... he's slept well. Had HUGE meals - he was skeletal when he arrived 2 weekends ago and hugging him was shocking, feeling his bones so prominently. He was basically only drinking milk drinks and apples.

    I feed him HUGE meat meals and lots of everything.
    We watched him "learning to chew food" again... this was majorly scary for all of us...

    So I've spoken gently with him about this.
    Basically he said he didn't care about work shifts down South as much as coming back to see us and BE home. (He moves back home 100% after his HSC exams).
    I pack LOTS of food for him to go back with. Any food he buys & stores in his room, the other kids go in there and take it to eat and even feed the dog that visits.

    He was worried about money but had some savings... with "time" here he chased up on some Centrelink texts.
    YAY he got "a real mover and shaker" - what I call ppl who ACTUALLY help you to completion which is RARE...
    This person kept phoning p.son back personally, asking more questions etc...

    Apparently he found an error in their processing of p.son's paperwork... PERFECT timing! Now the Southern household have NO rights to know about p.son's financials. BEFORE he may have told them!

    P.son disclosed more to Alexa & myself last night, saying he hasn't got access to a laptop to do his studies at the house - the family are manipulative saying he can have this or that UNTIL he brings HIS car down for them to use (son is on his Ls and can't drive it). He refuses to take his car down there. I said to tell them that I need it.

    P.son needs a laptop.
    Centrelink are correcting their error & paying him almost $2k today!
    After the chiro for us all today, we're taking p.son to buy his laptop!

    He goes back South tonight sadly.
    He has work shifts & a week of study next week.

    We all miss him dreadfully when he goes.
    Hopefully he stays safe, there'll be alot of recovery for him to do when he moves home.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    567 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Em,

    just a quick post to say that I’m keeping up with your news and loving your positive vibe. I have passed on your ‘thankyou’ tip to a friend- I like it!
    I can imagine how distressing it must be to send p.son back down south when he obviously isn’t doing well there. Am glad he has such a strong loving family to ground him. a worry nonetheless.
    I am going well, a fair bit of adjusting and small hurdles- some technical- to overcome, but basically good. We could do with some sunshine!

    talk soon,

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  22. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    3892 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hey J*, I LIKE the Thankyou tip too but it was from Brene Brown's podcast "Unlocking Us", not from me lol.

    I'm glad your friend could use it! GREAT!

    I told my C about it too & she's been suggesting it to some of her other clients. Happy days.

    P.son's going back soon with a brand new laptop!
    He's so freaking excited.
    He feels he can get stuck into all the study he needs to do to catch up since there's the horrible behaviours of that family going on towards him.
    I bought him a super hard laptop case so it helps protect it.

    So much for Alexa's tip on getting a $400 one eye roll... p.son has champagne taste & spent over $2k...
    I paid for so much for him since he's been home because I can't stand it...haircut, clothes, personal items etc.

    My Chiro annoyed me so much today... gosh he annoyed me!!!
    Did so many irritating things... like someone nervous bec they know something you don't & can't tell you kinda stuff...
    All the kids were there so he didn't BUT he brought up heaps of stuff about us still being traumatised. That was after adjusting us all & saying how different we all are NOW.. so I said what I had to say to shut him down.

    Again & again.

    Thankyou I hear you say J*?? lolol
    THANKYOU Chiro for making me realise how far we've come!

    He even brought up stuff that happened SEVEN YEARS AGO what the?
    He said it was about time WE moved on!
    Omg what an insult!
    I said we "moved on" in Dec 2013!! It was "the other party" who wouldn't "MOVE ON" bec he wanted all my money. GRRR.

    He agreed & finally shut up then!
    Darned unprofessional talking about THAT crap in front of the kids which was half their LIFE TIMES ago.

    I'll give him a stern talking to next time I'm in there bec that's way outta line.

    It must be "in the stars" this week with me.
    All sorts of ppl speaking to me like I'm a 3yo.
    Cheeses I've probably had FIVE times their life experiences and they lecture ME?

    How arrogant. When I ASK for advice, that's an entirely OTHER story.

    THANKYOU that my Chiro appt is OVER lol.

    Yvette aka as "Miss Organisation" in our family, is TOO CUTE & drawn up spreadsheets directions for diff't stations at her workplace.
    She's been asked to "Train the new people" & she's had enough of the repeated questions. She's written DIRECTIONS now lol!!
    I have to take them to Officeworks to have them laminated so they look "Professional"! too cute.

    I hear you on the IT stuff returning to paid work... it's a THANG!
    Bestest wishes
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2041 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Family get-together sounds great, hope it went well.

    Oh, damn. Maybe best to not have them in the laundry, then! Glad prodigal son was happy to do some tidying up for the others, though. Chip off the ol' block, by the sound of it.

    I just can't imagine the problems you're having with drainage and soil erosion. That much water anywhere is mysterious to a South Aussie, haha. Hope you can get it all sorted with a minimum of ado.

    How did the dentist appointment go? Very surprised it was on Easter Monday.

    I guess finding your little hidden cache was a good reminder that things are a lot better now than they were.

    No problem. I give my time where I know it is worthwhile to do so. You are worthwhile. :)

    Sorry to hear prodigal son is struggling so much with the ex's family. What an ugly situation to be living in. I'm glad he has the support he does from you and his siblings. May the time between now and his homecoming pass quickly.

    Blue.

    PS Happy Easter and hugs to you too, Tayla.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    2902 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    hey EM

    love ur pride of ur kids achievements

    Go Yvette!!

    ur kids are too cute.
    Hope ur doing okay xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  25. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    3892 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Thanks Blue, for everything...

    I was thanking you SO much yesterday lol regarding our ORGANISED kitchen cupboards!
    Omg P.son is in LOVE with our "professional" looking house lol.
    He knew EXACTLY where to put everything emptying the dishwasher - you beauty!

    P.son was on a REAL school holiday for a whole week here... all the others worked stacks.
    It was soul soothing for all of us to have him here. My gut hurts when I think about him being down there.
    It's alot worse than he professes... ALL of us know that.
    He needed to go back for work.
    I miss him & worry about him so much, it would be easier if I knew he was happy.
    Might need a cry about it.

    Blue I am grateful for the rain, drought is NOT fun... but??? The news about my roof is WAY worse than first thought. Only 1 person has shown up to quote and couldn't bec the job was too big for him. I'm trying to WORK, as in physically WORK, through the stress of that.
    (Just the finishing part alone for the roof is $3000... Lord knows how much the first stage will cost).

    Hopefully ALL the roofing ppl get back to me ASAP!
    Feeling stressed about finances, I'll mention on the money thread later.

    Sadly the chickens can't live outside... foxes eat them.
    Hence only 2 left now out of 26.
    I'm taking a break from owning chickens once these girls go... I'll absolutely miss them to bits but need a reprieve from added work for the mean time.
    When I can own a BIG dog, I'll get more. Foxes don't come when I mind Alexa's dog.

    I'm STILL scrubbing the laundry walls, brought the tank water hose in yesterday to do it. I'd finally cleared the Brush Turkey's mound away from the house and DRAINS...
    I played YouTube clips of Aussie plumbers unblocking drains all day and it was REALLY comforting to see others work as hard and get as grubby as me lol!
    My kids thought it was hilarious, yeah it's a comedy all right lol.

    Still more to do yet... hopefully the step ladder helps me reach the ceiling.

    I need to do so much, I'm trying to break it down into manageable steps. Just too much. I went to be so early last night but was awake at 3am!

    Not sure if we can swap the beds... that son's working ALOT.
    I think he worked an "illegal" amount on Thurs... 8:30am till 11:30pm... that place LOVES our family.. it's almost the full composite of staff some days! Other kids let them down so they have a hotline to our family lol.

    How are you doing?
    How's LM?

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  26. ecomama
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    3892 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey Sleepy

    Thankyou.

    Ofcourse I'm proud of them, I'm proud of YOU too! Not my pride to have, you've earnt it though!

    I'm earnestly TRYING to keep up the positive vibe!
    I hope I POSITIVELY can keep our home after yesterday's convo with the first roofing guy.. "yeah too hard for me, you need an EXPERT (I thought he was lol)... but I'll come back to do the finishing $3k"... oh so easily uttered...

    Not so easily come by sighhhh.

    Anyhow lol... Yvette wants to spend the day with me today, specifically NOT working around the house she said lol.
    It's seriously ALL I do full stop.
    Work outside and inside. Just work. Then work at work and work at my kid's houses.

    Lucky for me I LIKE working!

    Probably need a "balance" though!

    I have to do an Interview for Alexa's assignment, a video with her Counselling me on WORK / LIFE balance! Hahaha.

    Oh I do come onto the forums when me working is too noisy for the kids to sleep.

    I'm glad you've found a great new person to help... I can see YOU creating a more positive vibe too!
    That's wonderful Sleepy. Well done.

    Perseverance pays off!

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  27. ecomama
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    ecomama avatar
    3892 posts
    10 April 2021

    Update: chooks, dogs, LDR, rooves, kids and other "fun" things.

    I'm pushing the pressure, of so many things weighing on me, away as much as I can atm.
    This poodle has a mean BARK on him!

    Counselling on Tuesday... doing ok. Just feeling the pressure & not liking it much atm.

    I'm worried about my friends who lost their children, about p.son, about our roof - about finances to FIX it blah blah blah. Tax returns, 30h so far... ugh.

    It's not easy parenting this many children alone but it's WAY easier without a lunatic involved.
    At least we HAVE money to eat now!

    Feeling very frustrated with BF.
    I don't want to talk to him. He doesn't "get" what's going on here & tbh I hate him lecturing me on things he has ZERO idea about ie my life.

    I know he feels bad when we don't talk but right now?
    I can't handle it.
    It's too much & I can't manage the "stupid" place we go to when I'm not 100% present, just immeasurably distracted with REALLY pressing, urgent things like a leaking roof.
    If I hear "In America we ALL ...." one more time, I'll scream lol.
    LIKE ALL Americans?? Yeah right, no silent army fella.
    That r/ship - too hard basket atm.

    I want to GRAB the times my kids WANT to spend with me... it's so rare for parents of teens!
    Today is for Yvette & me too, she asked me for it.
    Tomorrow night is for Alexa - to be videoed for her assignment.

    I'm also sick of spending hours on the phone with BF, missing my WHOLE day.
    It's fine for him, it's night there when we talk.
    He's HAD his day.

    I'd like company in the evenings too, but it ain't there.
    In fact that's probably not true!

    I NEED my own time.

    I may not even want a partner... like at all.
    THAT thought is kinda new to me.
    I had it 100% after D Day. I had other offers but YUCK NO! I ran for the hills.
    Then met BF, an incredibly amazing man.

    Poodle liked his beef leftovers for brekky lol. Now he's quiet.

    IDK, I'm thinking a solitary life is nice. Peaceful, gentle, calm. Except for rooves caving in ofcourse lol. The usual palaver partner or not.

    Maybe I've had too many ppl in my personal space for too many years?

    I've definitely had it up to HERE with ppl telling me what to do! Not here btw lol... just IRL ppl talking to me like I'm a 3yo.

    It feels GOOD knowing that, as my kids are growing up, my CHOICES are expanding.
    IDK if I want another husband.
    Gosh that sounds ungrateful!

    But just because someone OFFERS, doesn't make it the RIGHT choice.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9640 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Dear EM~

    You are certainly lucky to have teenagers that want to be with you, not just luck though but a tribute to your love, and also to your ability to relate to them at their level.

    Perhaps for the moment at least the idea of a full-on relationship with another in your life might be put on the back-burner. This is not realy a novel idea, as most of us need space -and not to be lectured. As for the idea this would be "ungrateful", frankly I do not understand your reasoning. You could be a great asset in any partnership, not someone who needs to feel grateful for any offer as if you had no worth..

    I'm afraid the assertion "In America we do ..." is something that might have unintended interpretations: while it has many strengths it also has no social security, a gun reached for at every turning, an insular way of thinking, a massive Covid death toll ... etc etc

    Perhaps if your BF talked to you at a time of your convenience it might not only make you less tired, but also act as an indication of care.

    Apart from things like roofs there is no rush.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  29. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    3892 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Roof update lol...

    Omg some ppl are charlatans, I tell you now.
    That person yesterday said minimum $3000 to "finish the roof off" once his friend did "all the MAJOR work" - he said minimum $5000 for his mate, this guy gave off a weird vibe.

    Well waddayaknow. He didn't even go up on my roof and was quoting like a poker machine spinning...

    I contacted another person, he called early today & came over this afternoon.
    I found out he did the rooves of 3 other ppl I know & they look GREAT!

    His quote for all that & MORE was less than $4000.
    My Insurance money covers most of that.
    I'm having the skylight removed & the roof patched & retiled.. the whole shebang. DONESKIS!

    SUCH A RELIEF.
    He starts in est 3 weeks but already patched the leak BEFORE even giving me the quote!

    The fact he signed off our first call with "Oh Happy Day!" was a GOOD sign for me 😂🤣🌈

    Once that's done, I can get that Carpentry team in to do ALL our ceilings; patch the huge skylight yuck, take out 6 old ducted air con vents & a square thingy from it.

    I think I'll get someone to paint also.

    Gosh it's wonderful making all these decisions on my own.
    As I said to BF last time I spoke with him, MY house, MY money, MY decisions, MY consequences, don't tell me what to do.
    Cheeses I NEVER tell him what to do with his money... I listen & if he asks, then I go with what HE wants to do... not Brain Science.

    I'm sure gonna LOVE coming home soon! Just joking, I love staying home lol.

    Did a few hours laundry cleaning while listening to YouTube cleaning & garden makeovers lol..

    Then had a WONDERFUL time out at the Shopping Centre with Yvette.
    She bought fancy perfume with her huge pay packet from Easter.
    She already gave me another $150 first to save towards her first car... lol she doesn't have her Learner's Permit yet! She makes me laugh.
    We had lunch together too.

    What warms my heart the most is that she WANTED to spend the day with me. Awww so precious.

    Alexa's coming tomorrow for videoing her assignment. I MUST do my hair & make up! She said tonight that she's gonna have a hard time NOT laughing, bec I pull all these funny faces etc so NO FUNNY FACES.
    I bought a sweet dress today for $20 for the filming.

    I'm almost finished my Tax Return and have another 3 weeks to put it thru an Accountant.
    Better make the appt soon so I have a deadline!
    I'll pack it up now, leave it for weekends.

    I want to get into my garden during my last week of Leave.

    Happy Days!
    Love EM

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2041 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    No problem. It's definitely good having an organised kitchen. Mine has gotten a little less orderly due to recent events, but the general structure of organisation remains and does make things easier. I'm glad prodigal son is enjoying the "professional" touch. :)

    I understand your worries for your son being away in his situation. As you say, things like his weight when he hasn't been home for a while really tell a story. I'm certain your support is making the rest of his time away a lot more bearable.

    I read a bit ahead, glad you got some better news about the roof since the first dodgy quote. Some people really try to take advantage. I think you said somewhere the second guy did a bit of a patch-up before even quoting the rest? I hope so!

    I understand about chickens, a few of my colleagues have had them, and I frequently hear of fox-related incidents. They never seem to learn, though. Poor chickens. Yes, it's a lot to manage, a time out from that stress would help, and a big dog to guard them if you begin again would be best. My partner wants big dogs one day, he adores them. We'd have to select carefully though, a breed that would play nice with the birds.

    How's the laundry looking now? As for the YouTube tutorials, they're such a handy way to learn how to do things, it's great. And as you say, a bit of a comfort to know they get as grotty as you in the process, haha.

    Yep, breaking the workload into steps is the way to go. Focus on one at a time, eventually you will get to the end of it.

    Wow, that's a hell of a shift your son did, I likewise question the legality of it.

    Me, I'm doing as okay as can be expected. LM the same. We've had some positive social time the last couple of days, slipped in around appointments - saw a friend of mine I've known since I was a teenager and his daughter, which was brief but really good. Our schedules mismatch horribly and we rarely get to see each other.

    Sorry to hear BF is being stubbornly condescending. He should know better than that, you're no idiot and I imagine he knows you've got a lot on your plate. That crap isn't going to help. And just maybe being flexible and calling when it's good for you at least some of the time would help, and would be a way of showing some respect and care for your situation. I gather he hasn't nearly as much to manage as you have.

    Glad Yvette wants a day with you, that's awesome. Hope it goes/went well. No sense of time, here.

    Blue.

    2 people found this helpful

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