Well I emailed my sister last night to share a breakthrough I had re: not feeling like I have fight against grief or fight for happiness- I just accept both will come.
My sister emails me back giving me long lecture on happiness is a choice, we make our own happiness. I emailed her back to explain that it's not as simple as a choice to be happy when you have mental illness. I explained my experience in the last 5 years with PTSD, in order to help her understand. She sends me an angry email back saying she doesn't believe in all that stuff- mental illness, PTSD are just labels so you don't have to take responsibility for your life & can play the victim coz safe being a victim & she hopes her email makes me angry, angry enough to stop being a victim.
Ouch!!! It really hurts, I made myself so vulnerable & she shut me down! I'm fed up being told how I should feel or not feel!
And now I'm worried for her kids, as two of them have shared with me their own struggles with mental illness & how they tried to talk to their mum but she shuts them down because she refuses to accept mental illness is real- according to her mental illness is a choice! Yeah we choose to have PTSD coz it's safe! Pfft! Ask anyone with PTSD & they will tell you they don't feel safe. The most concerning thing about all this is she is a nurse! Clearly classically text book trained.
It makes me feel sad &I isolated - like no one gets me or understands! It makes me want to never open up & share how I'm really feeling coz I'm sick of dealing with ignorance, arrogance & people intolerance to accept people with mental illness. And I'm over Being judged by people especially family who don't even take the time to see how I am or what's going on in my life.
Im feeling pretty raw tonight & like hiding for the rest of my life!