Greetings from another ex-member and welcome to the Support Forum. To post here is a mark of your deep unhappiness as well as your MH conditions, and I'd like to show you a little of my own experiences, as a means of reassuring you there is hope of a happy and fulfilling life - no matter what you have been told. I do this as I'd like to start an ongoing conversation by with that in mind.
I was struck by your sensible attitude and example of personal strength in your advice to Bee1998 - all of that is still a part of you.
Like you I was a career officer, and was invalided out a very long time ago with the usual suspects: suicidal, PTSD, bouts of depression and an ongoing anxiety condition, together with the various physical problems that they generated.
I was kindly told I was TPI (could never work again) and left with a reduced income (but full medical for treatments). So there I sat in a silent house, something that had just been a base for a busy life.
Ceasing to be a member under those circumstances is completely devastating, the loss of identity, purpose, occupation, satisfaction, friends, prestige and authority is total, and there seems nothing left.
I cannot pretend the start was easy, I have been hospitalized and even now, very many years later, am on medication and see a psychiatrist regularly, experiencing symptoms, although at a reduced and manageable level. I build my life to take into account and minimize these
My life turned around over time and now I give and receive love and support, am occupied in demanding ongoing occupations that provide structure, require effort and imagination and yield satisfaction.
I have not managed all this by myself, support, medical and personal, plus a pinch of luck have been there.
My partner after a long and very hard time with me eventually suggested study. I was indifferent, however did turn up. I took longer than usual due to concentration and memory problems, but ended up doing well and was invited to teach. I did that for a lot of years, then moved over to another similar role.
Now I've turned my my unhappy experience to advantage and use it here and elsewhere. Yes I still miss the police on occasion, however it is in there with other things, like the passing of my first wife. A chapter in a long life.
I'm not suggesting your rout to a better life needs to be like mine, just it is achievable.
I'd really like it if you came back and talked some more, said what you think.