Hello Anzee, I understand the predicament you are in and feel very sorry for what you have to try and cope with.

If an IVO is broken then the police can be called, then they handle the situation, however, I know this may cause some fear for you and I don't want this to happen.

Can I suggest and this is important, is for you to contact one agency and there are many such as St. Vinc. but the one I'm thinking about is Anglicare who can provide you with a house/flat that's already furnished and have contacts to stop this and could possibly change your identity, suggest a new phone number.

I know that the next 2 days are holidays but if you can google this 'contact anglicare on public holidays', there may be something that helps you.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

So over the long weekend I found out he had a fiancé before me (he told me he’d never been engaged) and that he was physical with her on more than one occasion (he told me about ONE physical incident with a different gf and said that was the only time he’d ever been physical before me and that he regretted it every day of his life. I felt really down and upset about that because it felt like he had this whole other life I didn’t even know about when I thought we knew everything about him (we were together 11 years) then on Tuesday night I had a few friends send me screenshots of him and his new gf going official on social media and all these pics of them spending the long weekend away together and I don’t know why but that absolutely broke me, I was having intense flashbacks, nightmares and had this really intense fear that I can’t survive without him (I’ve had this fear and feeling every time I’ve left him) but I suddenly realised that although I hadn’t admitted it out loud, deep down I was holding on so tightly to this hope he was going to get the help he needed and we’d be together again as a family. He promised me (and his daughters) over and over again that he was going to take this time we were apart to start working on himself so that he could be safe for us to all be together again, I felt like the services pushed me not to trust him and continued convincing me I couldn’t go back but deep down all I wanted was to go back. I continued doing what I had to do to keep the girls safe but in my heart I felt like things were going to be ok because I was going to end up back with him again. I knew he was seeing this new girl even though he kept denying it and saying he was waiting for us, but I’d just keep convincing myself I was overreacting and making up their relationship so when they made it official publicly I felt so much pain and just felt like I literally couldn’t live without him. I don’t want to end my life but I feel like I can’t keep my girls or me alive from some outside force without him, like we literally need him to live. I know it doesn’t make sense because I have had 100% care of the girls since December and we’re all still alive, but it’s just engrained in me that something bad is going to happen to us if we’re not with him.

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to stay safe
• It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

You are everything your children need. No one loves them like you do. Yes, he told you that you were not good enough and that's hard to shake of. I PROMISE, you are.

Dear Anzee~

I'm sure for you this is a never-ending nightmare, and that outside agencies have a simplistic and impractical approach to things, in fact often push to have things "their own way".

In the long term overall they may do some good, though they may well do harm as well, something you have pointed out before.

Over the years you have shown, despite you poor regard of yourself, that you a loving mother. That you have an excellent grasp of what is going on and act sensibly (and yes that includes all the things you have blamed yourself forr. No, I'm not going to repeat them here, we have talked of them before. Please just try to believe in your circumstances no one could have acted better.

Your kids are settling down, which is a huge bonus, and you did mention (forgive me if I got it wrong - that you have someone new as a friend. All that of course under the cloud of your ex's threatening presence. Maybe inch by inch you are getting there

May I suggest that even though you have the strong temptation to say to Child Protection that all is good this is not a way you will be happy with in the future - even if it does make them go away right now.

OK, so setting out in detail what has happened may well be beyond you at the moment, and fear they will make matters worse holds you back.

Is it possible to steer a temporary middle course and simply say you do not wish to talk to them at least for now as past experience leads you to believe there is a possibility they will make matters worse. Also that your mental health is very precarious and you are not up to anything further now.

Then leave it at that. No explanations, no further talk now.

This approach (they will no doubt want to argue or ask why) does not close the door for the future, does not exonerate your ex and allows describing the truth later on if you need to to be effective.

I know what I'm offering as a thought for you to consider is not an easy thing, however you have done many seemingly impossible things in the past and still very much have my admiration.

You may also like to consider either having someone with you or just handing over a note.

If I remember last time we spoke (sorry if I've remembered wrong) both you mother and sister were difficult and did not support you - is that still the case?

Also may I ask if you do have anyone to support you, not prod you into ill-advised actions, but listen with sympathy and care?

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

Hi Anzee,

You seem to be going through a lot, I'm sorry for you. I know what it is like. Only recently I was going through the same thing, shaking, unable to control my thoughts and flashbacks. They are so very disturbing and the worst thing is that you feel so very alone in this. My mother left my father two times also, only to go back to terrible trauma. Due to my past, I have PTSD and terrible chronic depression which has caused a great deal of pain in my life. My sister has this also and is going through a painful time with her partner who is similar to our dad. This behavior affects kids terribly.

Besides your psych is there some other support for you and your daughters? Family? I understand when you are going through panic attacks and shaking, it would be hard to contact support and go through your story again and again but this guy's behavior has me very worried for you. Can Centrelink help you?

I'll say a prayer for you, I really hope you get some relief soon. I know you are doing what you can.

Leisa68

Hi Leisa68,

thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing your story. I do know deep down that this is what’s best for my girls and I have to keep them away from him (they are terrified of him and want nothing to do with him) but I so often feel that with my poor mental health I’m not better for them and I just wish they had another option, I wish they had someone more, someone better, someone stronger etc. I lost our families and most of our friends when I first left him early last year, I struggled so much with this as I always thought I had a super strong family bond with my family and members of his family had admitted things to me about my ex and we were super close but once child protection became involved he went around telling his sob story and soon everyone was completely against me and I was so alone. I have one truly amazing friend in which I don’t know if I’d still be here without her (she is also significantly older than me and has even joked she will adopt me so I can have a good mum haha) a have a few other friends but I don’t talk to them much about any of the stuff going on.

My ex did do something really bizarre to mess with my head when we had to live with my mum for a few weeks, my mum denied it would have been him and said my nana had made it up and was awful to her (my nana) about it. When we got to come home I sent her a photo of the evidence he had left for me to find so now my mum is kind of nice to me. I still don’t talk to her much at all and I’m definitely not ready for a relationship with her but at least she now believes what my ex is capable of, and my sister has seen a few things too so we talk a little (she apologised for not believing me) but still not very close.

I hope your sister can come through her situation 😞 I never realised how much generational trauma comes through and effects so many of us.

Hi Anzee,

You are stronger than you know. You are going through an awful testing time, I don't think I could be as strong as you are. I'm so sorry that your family has not given you much support, that must be very hard and disappointing. I know you are thinking of your two children through this.

It would be good for you if you could hold on to your support worker, she sounds very helpful. It sounds like things will not resolve quickly in this situation particularly since a lawyer is involved. I can only imagine what it would be like to have strangers involved in your situation, but you definitely need everyone you can get to support you.

I don't have any magic words, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are strong and I hope that there is a good outcome here for you and your girls.

Leisa68

I have reached that point again, where it all feels too much and I don’t feel like I’m able to continue being the sole parent.

As far as I know child protection have closed their case against the kids dad and I feel like I have reached breaking point so have been thinking about whether to let him see the girls again. I know it is very likely them seeing him will undo all the hard work we’ve done in the last 6 months and their world will be turned upside down again, school will be unsettled and scary and the anger and tantrums will be back for the youngest, but I just don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m at breaking point and I can’t keep doing this alone but I don’t want to put the girls back in a position where they’re scared and at risk of being traumatised again. Why haven’t they made a place for single mums in this position 😭 child protection were the opposite of helpful and had no support to offer, even when questioned by one of my workers how they (CP) expect me to do this on my own so I really am out of ideas. At the moment I’m kind of asking myself which ones worse? For me to reach tipping point, or for them to see their dad again?!?!

Dear Anzee~

It's very hard and I can't suggest either way what might be best. Two horrible choices.

I can say something that might help. You are the one stable loving person in your children's lives. That is terribly important, to have an anchor, an oasis of love and care and consitency, is what children need above all else - and you offer that.

So to do anything that risks you may leave them with less refuge than they have now, and less able to deal with toxic others.

It is sometimes a mistake to see oneself as an infinite reservoir of strenght when protecting loved ones, sadly that is never the case and your own circumstances, resources, limits and ongoing well-being have to be taken into account. (That's a fancy way of saying we just do the best we can)

Croix

He’s taking me to court…. I’m not allowed to speak about details but I am well and truly gone. I had therapy yesterday and I didn’t even remember driving there and I couldn’t get out of the car until I knew it was my turn. Like this could very well end me.

I asked what happens if I just give him everything he’s asking for and my lawyer said CP will probably take the kids off me because I’m not acting protectively by giving him unsupervised access to them. So pretty much either way is a HUGE loss for me…

Dear Anzee~

I'd like ot say a couple of thngs as I've followed your posts though from the start. I would expect you would know these things 'intellectually', but that is not much help. Maybe hearing them from others might be.

The first is you love your kids, that comes out in everything you say, and the idea of what it would do to them to be permanently with your ex can give you the strength to do the seemingly impossible and fight for them in court or though child protection.

Your Support Worker sounds a real gem - an ally and can probably help you gather together all the things you need to prove your case.

The second thing is you seem surprised that you keep on suggesting to your friend she tell you that you are a bad mother, or that she hates you and similar things. It is not really trying ot drive people away, it is the need for a great deal of reassurance.

You have been treated very badly, and that has not just happened once, but been a constant over a long time. Sadly when this happens people start to think they have no worth, are not capable, and that love is not as wonderful as it really is.

When you think badly of you it is quite a natural thing to seek reassurance, and the worse you feel the more you have ot reach out for that reassurance. Your friend sounds a pretty wise person and a very good friend too.

Having someone so wise who keeps on wanting to be your friend and kids that love you and settle down when with you may help you realise how good you actually are.

We are all wanting the best for you - as you and your kids deserve it

Croix

Thanks Croix, I appreciate your always positive and encouraging words. I guess the problem with going to court is anything I say will be questioned and I will be cross examined by his lawyer and she has already said awful things about me and we haven’t even started court yet so I know in my heart the minute anyone questions my story and credibility I will shut down and deny my story, change it, cry and say I can’t do it. I’m very worried where my mental health would be in that situation, it has already dipped a lot recently and I have had times that I am really concerned about whether I can pull through so for something this big, my ultimate fear, I just cannot imagine getting through this. I have messaged CP asking if I agree to his terms and don’t go to court whether there will be any risk of me losing the girls so I am waiting for a reply in writing from them so I know I’m covered if they give me permission I guess to agree to his demands.

I have made an offer to my lawyer to settle out of court (I know he won’t accept it) but I am sure I can not go to court. Even my therapist said she will do intense training with me to be cross examined etc and we will act as if we are going to war but it’s too deep (people questioning my truth) it’s like pretty much the end of the world for me if people don’t believe me and I have so much shame and fear I feel like I can’t survive with those feelings..

Dear Anzee~

Despite how you might feel about yourself I see you as a capable person in very difficult circumstances who can still make mature judgments about matters. You are the expert on you after all - and as a result if you feel that going to court would harm you and also be counter-productive then that's sensible.

It can be really hard not to judge yourself too harshly. I was like that and even simple things like not getting out of bed seemed to me to be failures when compared to how I should be. This was of course completely wrong, I was judging myself as if I was a completely well and uninjured person. In actual fact considering my mental condition it was to be expected - a different and kinder standard for a different set of circumstances.

So please try not to feel badly if you have decided not ot go to court. It is a very traumatic and unpredictable environment.

I also see that you are not giving up but taking other steps which do not involve court and realy hope some come you way, with for example CP being reasonable.

You do have a couple of allies in your support worker and you hterapist. Actually you also have legal advice to help guide you though pitfalls and unexpected consequences, so no, all is not lost.

Your kids are so lucky to have you and your love. That will always be there inside them.

Hopefully you will find the way to keep all together, you are due for some good luck

Croix

Although you don’t know me or my situation personally, I feel like we do have a relationship in these forums and it’s really comforting to have you say that not going to court is ok. I know myself the best etc. I know they’re just trying to help and reassure me and that they know the ins and outs of our situation but I feel like none of my supports are listening to me when I say I CANT go through with court. I have done everything I can to try and get my ex to settle out of court. I have told my lawyer about the evidence I have, photos, videos and admissions in the hope that once my ex finds that out he might change his mind about going to court because I have kept very quiet about this evidence because it’s the last thing I wanted to do but I felt like I had no other choice but to bring them into the mix. My DV worker does have a couple of screenshots I have and I gave her permission to send one to the police officer to keep the IVO in place and like the police officer said to me in person they asked why they are not criminally charging him for this as it’s criminal behaviour and against the law. Even the liason officer asked the same question after the last court case, he asked why there are no criminal charges in place but I feel like no one understands that it doesn’t matter how much evidence I have my ex will continue to fight me until the very end, and he will make my life hell denying and contesting everything just to stress me out. His lawyer has obviously not fact checked anything he told her so in the report there are things that can clearly be proved to be false by checking the system/ services and I mean things that are hard evidence that what he’s said isn’t true but they’ve still put these things in his statement and to me that feels like he is showing me he can and will get away with anything. I also just know his lawyer would destroy me when it came to questioning and cross examination and I have tried so hard to explain to my support workers how serious I am that her doubt and questions will destroy me. Even the thought of someone not believing me is enough to put me in a deep downward spiral let alone someone cross examining every word I say. Even with the proof and evidence I have I just don’t feel like facing him or his lawyer is an option, but all of my support workers just keep saying they won’t let me give him access to the kids no matter what but I know it doesn’t matter what I say or do he won’t stop until he wins.

Dear Anzee~

You are living a nightmare at the moment, so having nightmares when asleep is to be expected - it has been for me. One of the problems is when waking up from a nightmare that may be a distortion or non logical experience of reality it can carry over for a while, leaving one feelng as if one has not woken up, or if one has it has made no difference -the nightmare keeps on going. My only recourse at one time was to leap straight into a physical action, shower, walk dog or whatever. I'm not saying it is the same for you.

I don't know why the legal system cannot accept a simple fact, a perpetrator can injure a person so badly they cannot come to court. Maybe it is starting to work with young children and video, but I don't really know.

Although you have a solicitor, support worker and therapist I wonder if thay are experts in this field? Perhaps you can tell me.

I do know this long standing problem has attracted a lot of attention on women's advocacy groups as well as in the legal profession concerning domestic violence . I apologize if you have already gone down this path, but have you been able to find a professional or semi professional body - probably non governmental - that deals with these matters and may have established partial workarounds or at least give sensible advice?

I'd be the first to admit it is not simple.

I think the reason so many do not understand is because they have never been there themselves, even CP officers may have only seen it, not experienced it, and believe the matter is straightforward as you have so much evidence. Perhaps if you had not been so badly injured it might have been, but under the circumstances it simply is not possible.

So where to from here? I guess in as much as you are able you keep on trying. Please do bear in mind what I said before, when badly injured the victories are not the same ones as when you are fit.

One other thing that I have found helps, and that is to find a way to step outside a horrible life and be distracted - even if only for a few minutes. This, provided it is nothing to do with your real life, can give a modicum of respite. For me it is movies and books, it used to be walking with the pet. Can you envisage doing this? I think it is highly lightly you may find it a help.

The only other thought I have to offer is that peole do not stay the same. Injuries - with the right help - do at the very least partially heal. When that happens one's abilities change to match.

Croix

I haven’t even begun to tell my lawyer what I have been through with my ex or what he has done to me. I only told him about my fear and concern for the kids.

my therapist does specialise in these issues and when she has spoken to me she has mentioned that I can go into one of those boxes/ rooms and be present via video link but I have memories of been shown one of those rooms as a kid but my mum denied it to me when the memories came back and I started talking to my psychologist about it. I do remember it though, I remember where it was and everything and when I went to the police with my DV worker I said isn’t the police station in this place? And she said no that’s the courts! So maybe my memories of going there as a child are true and I feel like it is just going to be so triggering with all of that history on top of facing my ex. But again my lawyer doesn’t know any of this so maybe I need to ask someone to explain that to him, and explain how afraid I am of going to court and facing him. Then maybe he can find a way I don’t have to do it? I don’t know. I just know that it is all too much for me at the moment and I am not in a headspace I can even consider going through with it all. I wish it could all be over and part of me feels like the only way to make that happen is to just give into my ex and let him win. Give him what he wants, so that I can walk away from him. But I know that doesn’t save the girls so I am just completely at a loss and don’t know how to be the person they need to fight for them right now. I’m not coping or feeling ok about any of my decisions.