Hi,

In my early childhood 5-7 years old I would be first hand witness to my mother & father arguing which led to my father leaving the house & seeing other women, & also witnessed my father being violent towards my mum. I witnessed my mum & her side of the family always throwing shade at my dad & bagging him to his kids. My 2 older sister's would get psychically violent with one another if they didn't agree on something. My family never had a healthy way of communicating, everything just resulted and ended with violence. Due to financial reasons, my family decided that it was best off they leave me with my grandmother till they could get back on their feet as they were struggling to find somewhere to live & we would never have stable accomodation. My grandmother treated me very poorly & would always favour my 1st cousin which was my age over me. If my cousin would do something wrong, I would get the blame for it, no questions asked. I think I heard her say once that she Neva liked me because I looked like my father. My father passed away when I was 7 years old due to having a liver failure from too much alcohol consumption, even though he knew he was going to die that didn't stop him from drinking & leaving us financially broke. At the age of 10 I witnessed my mother suffer her first heart attack when we got an emergency call to make our way to the hospital, and witnessed her eyes roll back as she was suffering a heart attack right in front of me. A few years later she suffered another 2 heart attacks and I was first hand witness and called the ambulance. Due to financial difficulties that my father left us in, my mum had to continue to work to pay for the food, rent, clothes etc, and I was left in the care of my 2 older sisters. They had their own demons they were facing & started consuming heavy drugs and I was around 9-10 years old when it first started. The drug habit of my 2 sisters went on for years, and I would always be there to support them being the youngest sibling I felt like the eldest. My school life wasn't the best, it wasn't very organised and I would hardy ever attend because of my family issues & I felt ashamed because I thought my friends knew about what was happening at home. My middle sister had a toxic ex that was on heavy drugs, that would stalk & harass her, try to control her & that's something that I took onto my shoulders and would try my best to help her with also. She passed away at the age of 26 in 2014 due a drug overdose.

Hi Akiner,

We are so sorry to hear about what you have gone through. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. We also encourage you to speak to your GP to help connect you with some ongoing support with a psychologist.

Hello akiner,

I feel sort of speechless at how much you've experienced in your life - it's just so much. the losses, the instability, the alcohol, & drugs, the way people treated you I wonder that you can cope at all.

I would like to ask if you have sought any help & support to deal with all the memories & the emotional impacts these experiences have had on you?

I am glad you have found your way here, & I'm sure you will find people here willing to listen & talk with you, about anything.

mmMekitty

Hi, no unfortunately I never had the chance to seek professional help or to talk to someone because I have been to busy helping others fight their own battles and living for other people that I completely forgot that I have a life to live as well (my mum & my sister). I just feel like I am not good enough. I am left feeling emotionally depleted & confused with life, I hardly find joy in the things that I do. I'm just very un happy & wondering if this will ever end. I have signed up to see a counsellor for the first time, but they have a 10 month wait due to covid, I don't know how long I can handle feeling this hopeless. And I don't have friends because I push them away. I need serious help.

Continuation -

After my sister passed away, I made friends with not nice people. People that would intentionally put me down, or would try to dictate the way I would be feeling, or mock me for being sad. I have always been real with the people around me but unfortunately wasn't that lucky to get the same back in return. And I know that these words get thrown around a lot, but I have also been gaslighted & witnessed narcissistic abuse also. I still try and be happy and thankful for everything till today, but sometimes I find it hard to show gratitude. Over the last few weeks I have come to realise that not everybody will have the same intentions of me and I need to protect myself at all costs. I am just so sick of being everybody's go to person with having no one to go to. Apart from counselling, does anybody know any other techniques that would be helpful to feel like a human being again? I feel like a robot. I would appreciate it, thanks.

Hi Akiner,

I was trying to find some info to help you, because I think 10 months is an awfully long time to wait to see a Counsellor. I don't know where you live. If you were to phone bb as Sophie_M mentioned, 1300 22 4636 for further advice. Or as she also suggested, your own GP could refer you to a psychologist.

You are most welcome to continue talking here.

My own experiences, also taught me to not trust people. But also I don't see early enough when the distrust is really warrented or not. I've fallen in with people who were bad to be around, too. & lost friendships. which may well have been very good.

The fact that you are able to see & name what you don't want is very good information to have. You might also make a list of what you do not just want, but expect to have from friends, or anyone inyour life. realationships with different people will alter your list accordingly. It's like what I need from my GP is different from what I need from a friend. I think it helps to spell it out, to yourself.

There are places on this website, other threads, where people talk about what helps them. I'm not good at making links. I'll take some time to find a few to go on with, & get back to you with a little list.

Sorry I couldn't do more right now.

It's very late, again! I didn't mean to be up so late, but no matter.. if I speak to you first, before I go to bed. Because, even if you don't think so, I think you are worth some extra time here.

mmMekitty

Hello Akiner,

Looking on BB, there are many people with ideas of how to help yourself through the tough times. Have a look in the Forum, 'Staying Well' & at the top wher there are other tabs, one is 'Personal Bst' & in there is 'Wellbeing' & 'Supporting yourself' & other things.

I do try to take time out, even over a meal I have prepared, to focus on sitting & eating, taking in the taste, smell & texture of the food. Focusing on that. Or listening to some music, following each note, or feeling how the music makesme feel. Or, you could take a walk, feel the ground, smell the air, listen for birds, dogs, whatever is around you, feel the breeze.,The idea is to simply be there, & only there. Now it's getting warmer, what about swimming? Cycling? I don't knw, what are things you like to do? If you don't know, try some things & find out if you might like something. Sometimes, I simply enjoy a shower, a basic self-care thing like that, can be very satisfying.

It does get hard to push yourself away from those memories, feelings and all that stuff in your mind, but that only makes it more important to try. We need to give ourselves a break from the relentless going over & over the same things in our minds.

I had decided, I would put what I was tinking on paper, writing, writing & more writing. I dound that helped me to stop going over & over the same thoughts. There, I said, the thoughts are on the paper! I did have to go & do it many times, but it did get better over time as well.

You can phone BB's own counselling service anytime.The service is there for you.

I will still be around to listen, whenever you want to talk.

mmMekitty

Hi Akiner

Your post struck a chord with after I lost my brother I let toxic family members back in my life. He was my mother father and my protector and in my grief a terrible damaging person in to my life. My sister was a very selfish person and she put me down and pretended to love me but was using me to get access to other family members. Not a new thing for me because I do get used and abused by certain family members. She distanced me by running me down to anyone that came near me. My close friends were alarmed and shocked but I had no tools to stop it. I did block and cut that her out of my life. Sometimes people are too toxic. But doesn’t stop me from being taken advantage of by new people.
im seeking further treatment by psych of some sort I have an appointment in a weeks time. I get phone counseling and it’s helpful to have someone to talk to. My GP is supportive too. Medication can help with anxiety while you are getting help with good tools you can use. I found that when I stopped doing things for them these people will go find new people to use. You just need some strength to ignore the rude comments and the guilt trips.