I hear you. It's been a month since I left a 5 1/2 year long toxic relationship. I too know that I deserved better. Subsequent research on my part confirms I was in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies. It was a continual cycle of agitation, emotional abuse, love bombing, and usually- me apologising for causing her such unhappiness.
I'm sure you can relate, but when you're with someone like that, you are always treading on egg-shells.
I look back and find for every nice time we had, there were probably 5-10 bad times. Even despite that, I miss her so much. When she would love-bomb me, it was beyond intoxicating. She made me feel absolutely incredible. It was like a drug.
The covert nature of this kind of abuse is hard to reconcile. In my case, sometimes there wasn't yelling or anything like that, but subtle put-downs or criticisms that made sure I was in a position of weakness compared to her. She always had the high ground. To an outsider looking in, they might not even see what's going on as abuse. I'm a professional musician- I've been told off for "not looking at her enough" at gigs. Likewise, I've been told off for "looking at someone else (another female presumably) too much at a gig". I don't even know who she was talking about. They're subtle jabs, designed to make you feel guilty.
At times of course was very obvious abuse where she would be yelling and screaming at me.
I too have had her fears/insecurities projected on me. Before I was with her I was a much more outgoing person. I'm a shell of my former self at the moment.
With all that said, I'm really optimistic as time passes I'll heal. The relationship was like being on a roller coaster, and I think the recovery process is similar. I have good days and really bad days. That said, I'll never go back to her again.
She confronted me at a gig a couple weeks after the break up and I'm so proud to say I held my ground and didn't fall for her empty promises. I've fallen for them so many times before, and for a short while things get better, but she in the end couldn't keep the facade up. She can't change.
Hang in there PF
It's a rough ride but we're going to come out of this as better people. Future relationship are going to be healthier as we know the red flags to look for. I'm in no rush, and happy on my own for the foreseeable future. Just having freedom to be myself again is a blessing.