Hi Triple A, and anyone else reading these threads like me.
What you've said, and this entire thread, has really resonated with me. I too have these horrible, anxious thoughts that create doubt in my mind and cause me to freak out. I've been in a relationship for just over 4 years now, and my boyfriend is amazing. We've been through a lot, with my depression and anxiety hitting their lowest just after we started going out. But we've worked our way up and I can honestly say I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my boyfriend.
Yet without a doubt, for the past year or two my anxiety will randomly appear one day and say "Oh hey, have you ever considered you don't actually love him?" and so it begins. The first time I ever had these thoughts, I was in a constant panic attack for a week. I was lucky in that I was seeing my psych regularly, and I also have an amazing friend who understands depression and anxiety, and they helped me to slowly decipher when this anxiety was creeping into my thoughts. I had to learn to decipher what was anxiety, and what was real.
This was incredibly hard, as when the anxiety steps in, it shuts off ALL my emotions, so I no longer feel love, or happiness, or even sad, just nothing. I'm a very logical person, so I need reason behind everything. Once I understand why something is happening, then I can deal with it. So to have no reasoning behind these thoughts, I was not coping.
It's taken years, but eventually I reasoned that the fact I was worrying about possibly not loving my boyfriend (thanks to those anxious thoughts that pop up) was proof in itself that I love him. I also learnt that when those anxious moods hit, my thoughts aren't "real". My emotions aren't "real". Don't get me wrong, I still suffer all the panic attacks that come with those thoughts, and those thoughts still come. But I've learnt from my experiences that the thoughts will eventually go, and the trick is to try my hardest not to focus on them. I can't stop them yet, but I am beginning to be able to ignore them, knowing that I will eventually wake up and feel ok.
It is really, really hard, but I just wanted anyone else reading this to know those thoughts aren't always true. You're not the only one who has them, and I am so relieved to know I'm not the only one who thinks this stuff. And for the record, my relationship is better than ever and I secretly hope to marry this man one day ,even if my anxiety says otherwise! :)