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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Feeling lost - can't seem to move on from this hurtful and painful relationship

Topic: Feeling lost - can't seem to move on from this hurtful and painful relationship

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    14 January 2022

    Hi,

    I just need to get this out so I can try to put this relationship behind me + move on. Today, I have been feeling really lost + upset. Background history: This was the first guy I was in a relationship with since my divorce (ended due to infidelity). At the start, everything was amazing + I fell in love with him pretty fast even though I was hesitant given what had happened in my previous relationship. I was with this new guy for about a year roughly when he cheated on me (apparently just kissed another girl) during an arranged meet up. He ended things with me as we were not in a good place at the time then ended up in a relationship with the girl he cheated with. At the time, we had been up + down a lot and I wasn't happy with how the relationship was going either. He presented with some narcissistic tendencies + made me feel sad a lot.

    He wanted to be back with me after a few weeks but I was hesitant ofcourse, so he went back and forth between us. When she fell pregnant (not planned) , he was devastated because he said he wanted that with me, and it has been an up and down rollercoaster ever since. I still wanted to be with him but was so heartbroken that she was pregnant. I went back + forth between urging him to be with her to make it work + then still wanting him to be with me. It was all just a big mess/lots of lies.He claims to have always wanted to be with me and still does now but he just messed it all up. I tried to be with him again but felt I could never just forget about the past + move forward to be with him in the way I would want to be with someone. There would always be trust issues. We stopped talking a few days ago so we can move on.I just have all of these feelings of guilt, shame, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, go from hating him to missing him, to feeling bad for the other woman. He said that he isn't going to be involved with the child or her at all but he has said those things before + has done the opposite. I feel like going back to her will always be an option now because they have this child. Even writing this all down seems crazy.I still can't believe it all happened.I am just having a bad day + feel sad with everything that's happened.I wish I made different choices + wish that I can just put it all behind me + feel indifferent. This has been going on over the last year + a half or so since we initially broke up.The child is now about 7 months old.He also has another child who is 8 years old to another woman previously.

  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1617 posts
    14 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Hi there

    Relationships, even when they’re far from perfect, can be exceptionally hard to move on from for some of us. It does, however, sound like this relationship wasn’t good for you, and moving on may be healthier in the long run.

    The best advice i got when trying to move on from actually a very similar circumstance (?!!) was to concentrate on me. My psych recommended I remind myself of how I felt in that relationship. As you mentioned “he had some narcissistic tendencies and made me feel sad a lot”. I’m sure that’s not how you want to feel in a relationship.

    I hope you can instead practice acceptance- it’s over, and it hurts, and I just need to do my best to move through it. Concentrate on you, and what you want for yourself and your life. Maybe someone that treats you the way you deserve?

    my kind thoughts. Katy

  3. sbella02
    Community Champion
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    sbella02 avatar
    60 posts
    14 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Hey Flower1990,

    I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Well done for trying to move on and put this relationship behind you, that's a noble first step and shows maturity and a propensity for personal growth.

    I know that everybody's different but honestly for me, narcissistic tendencies, cheating, and making you feel sad are three factors that I would consider red flags, in addition to the fact that he's had children with two other women and doesn't appear to want to be in either of these children's lives. He also appears to be contradicting himself with what he says. You deserve somebody who is going to be able to give you their love, loyalty, affection, honesty, and make you feel happy.

    If having children is on your radar in future, you also deserve somebody who will be able to raise these children well, somebody who is willing to invest in their lives. It doesn't sound like this ex would be able to do so, from what you've described.

    If you feel comfortable, you can always reach out to the other women and have a chat, or air your greivances together. Who knows, you may even make a few new friends out of this situation. If you don't feel comfortable, or they aren't responsive to you reaching out, that's perfectly fine too.

    I hope this advice somewhat helps you out, and please feel free to keep chatting to us if you would like.

    All the best, SB

  4. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    13059 posts
    14 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Flower

    Welcome to the forum and thanks openly sharing your story. Many people reading your words will relate to your experience.

    Katy and Sbella have written helpful suggestions for you.

    I feel it is natural when a relationship breaks up to feel guilt shame , loneliness and jealousy.
    By his behaviour you have been put in a complicated situation. He chose to cheat then when the other woman was pregnant he then says he wants you.
    only you can decide what to do but if you ant to move you may need to stop immune I action and to focus on you as Katy mentioned.

    Do you want the relationship you wished you had with him or the one you had where he cheated and had narcissistic traits.

    If you wanted you could talk to relationship australia .

    You may need time to process what has happened and see that the relationship is over.

    We are listening to you.
    Feel free to post hare when you want to.

  5. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Thanks so much for your reply! Its nice to know that I have support and people who can relate!

    I know that this man and relationship isn't good for me and I deserve so much better! This whole scenario has just been really difficult for me for a really long time and cant help but feel hurt and pain because of it. I guess I just wish he was the man I wanted him to be but he isnt. I miss all of the good times because there were many of them too but too much damage has been done and I just cant open myself upto him and trust him again! Its just really hard letting go of someone you love…I wish he loved me in the same way back

    You said that you had a similar experience…would you mind sharing it at all? If not, thats totally fine.

    I know that for me our relationship was over a long time ago…and its just taking a while for my heart to catch up with my head because I desperately wished things were different!

    I will try to focus on my and my life and what I want and hopefully after a bit of time find my own true happiness!

    Thank you for the suggestions :)

  6. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to sbella02

    Hi SB,

    Thanks for your reply! It definitely helps when people are there to support you!

    I am trying to move on its just been really hard on me. I guess ill just take it day by day. Yes, the red flags were there from the start and theres plenty more that I havent even listed in my story. I know hes bad for me and its really unhealthy….thats why I want to move on from this for good this time!

    The first child he has with another woman he is in that childs life. He has 50/50 custody….its just this child that he seems to not want to have anything to do with and says that he made that decision because he wanted to be with me…and thought that I wouldnt want to be with him if he was still involved with his ex who he cheated on me with and new child. I guess thats true….I wouldnt beable to handle that but many times he had said to me that its not the sole reason why hes not involved. I think he just uses that sometimes against me to blame me or to not take responsibility for his own decisions. He made sure he wasnt on the birth certificate because he didnt want to pay child support and has said to me multiple times that he doesnt think that its his child. I never know what to believe because he has a tendency to lie. The entire situation is just really hard and I want it to not weigh me down anymore. At the moment, I feel like this is always going to hurt me

    yes, I do want children in the future and if I ever thought about having one with him, I would be worried he would abandon me just the same as the other two women :( I just wish things were different!

    thank you for your advice :)

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to quirkywords

    Thank you for your reply!

    Yes, his behaviour has hurt me deeply! All the while telling me he loves me and then saying the same to her in the past. Over the last 2-3 months he has been wanting to really try with me and said that he hasnt had any contact with his ex at all but how am I supposed to believe him when the trust is basically non existent. Its torture loving someone who you feel is just going to hurt you and not love you in the same way back. Thats why I need to move on from this so I can finally be happy!

    I want the relationship that I wish I had with him….I guess thats just been really hard to accept and let go of. I am trying to focus on me but its just been up and down. Hopefully in time I will feel much better and get closer to what I deserve

    thank you for your advice :)

  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1617 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Hi again

    Its been awhile now for me since we split, but it’s still painful to think about. I got pregnant, lost my baby, instead of being there to support me he started seeing someone else. Then he came back but said he wanted to keep seeing her too. She got pregnant. He decided he wanted to be with me. Then he went back to her. She lost her baby, got pregnant again. Back he came… He was in love with her. Then with me. Same as you’re saying. Week in week out. What a crock. It’s all a crock. And just like you I wanted him to actually care, to be a good man. But some people are just no good.

    You say he’s a liar? There is a saying that goes “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. Because what people do is more important than what they say.

    You don’t need to wait on a man to love you and treat you good. There are already people who want to do that. Yeah it’s hard to give up someone you love, and to leave those good times in the past. But you’re also giving up pain and suffering. I only regret I didn’t do it sooner. I was living in hope, not reality. And not to sound dramatic or anything, but it was killing me.

    I still see that person sometimes, in the street, and it hurts all over again when he looks at me like I’m nothing. But he’ll be out there causing someone else pain and suffering. I just need to remind myself of that when it hurts. Id rather something real and not painful x

    Katy

  9. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    So sorry to hear that youve been through something similar :(

    How long has it been for you? When did you begin to feel better?

    yeah….there is no way a normal person can say he loves you and then go and say that to another woman days or a week later….its heart breaking and really hard to understand! Your ex too sounds like a but of a liar! I just always want honesty no matter what…and it seems thats too much to ask!

    I feel the same as you…and wish I ended things earlier….because things just got even worse and things became more painful! You are not being dramatic at all! I also felt like this relationship was killing me….it was affecting me physically and mentally and taking a real toll on me!

    have you been able to move on and date other men since? I feel like I will never be ready!

  10. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    15 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    I’m not gonna lie - it took a long time, but I also knew it would. I just kept count of the days, then weeks, knowing that every one I got through I was further away from something that was not good for me. I was also busy with uni which helped.

    I actually haven’t thought about dating again, but now you ask, if I met someone, I’d be ready, yes. It won’t feel like it now, but you will too. You will get over this person. If you want to. Because it’s really up to you to decide.

    Warm and kind thoughts from me cos I know how awful it feels. Katy

  11. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Thanks Katy

    you have made me feel not so alone in this. I have felt like I should have been over this ages ago and havent really told many people about what has happened and what I am still struggling with because I dont think they would understand. A few friends know but thats it….I feel like everyone would just say “you know hes a jerk and doesnt deserve you so its time to move on”….but its like they just dont get it….trust me..I have feel frustrated with myself a lot and feel like an idiot for going back to him multiple times and wasting even more time when things have just gotten even worse! Its just been really hard to let this go….I am afraid of whats next for me….fear of the unknown….and its silly I know but sometimes I think what if I cant be happy without him in my life in some way and what if I always feel like this! Its crazy!

    I just want to get over it sooner rather than later….I want a family and to just be happy :)

  12. sbella02
    Community Champion
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    sbella02 avatar
    60 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Flower1990,

    I applaud you for making efforts to move on, you're very strong. Don't worry, you're definitely not an idiot for going back to him. Humans crave familiarity. Your efforts to break the cycle, step into the unknown, and find the love you deserve will be very rewarding for you in future.

    I would take his exes as an example of what the future may look like if you were to stay with him and have children with him. It's a reflection of his character, as there are plenty of men who are single fathers or have joint custody (etc., etc.) who are good, honest, and loyal people.

    You'll definitely find a way to be happy without him! And if you need a little help in doing so, you've always got our support, and you can also seek help and advice from a GP, therapist, counsellor or psychologist if you feel particularly overwhelmed.

    Take care, SB :)

  13. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15581 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Hello Flower, all the comments above me have been very good, so I hope I don't repeat anything.

    When you look at this man do you feel you can trust him and that he loves you or does his look go straight through you and think about these kids and the other person he's had the affair with and can you believe what he has to say or pretending to say?

    Could you go away for a couple of days, leave him behind and absolutely trust him that nothing would happen, it's not something I could.

    Infatuation and surface love don't go hand in hand, there is always a disappointment.

    Geoff.

  14. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to sbella02

    Hi SB,

    thanks for your reply! Yes, I really want to move on and have this not affect me anymore! Its all been really hurtful and toxic and unhealthy for a really long time now and I just want to be happy!

    I know that if I stayed with him I would end up the same….with a child and abandoned which isnt what I want for my life at all! I just wish things were different…his character has been shown to me over and over and yet I think hes magically going to change and be better or go back to his ex and be an amazing partner and father for her…I know thats not reality but it enters my mind and makes me feel crap!

    I know that surely ill be happy without him…I guess im just impatient and want to feel better and healed now

  15. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    thanks for your reply! No, I dont trust him at all….I think he does love me in his own way but I dont think thats enough for me or would be for anyone! He throws the word around like it means nothing….I want to believe him, but his past actions and even actions now prove otherwise…I dont think hes capable of truly loving anyone….its just really hurtful!

    and yes, I feel like he pretends to get what he wants at the time…its very manipulative and damaging! Like I said, I just want to move on so him and this whole scenario cant hurt me anymore!

  16. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1617 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to Flower1990

    Hi again

    Can totally relate to everything you’re saying. I felt exactly the same - as though my ex would suddenly be an amazing loving partner - with someone else. But it’s not based in reality, and the best thing we can do is just take off the rose coloured glasses and remind ourselves of the ugliness instead. It will hurt and it will take time, but you’ll be better off for it.

    My suggestions, if I may:

    Go no contact, completely. Avoid all reminders and any places you might bump into each other. No social media stalking. No indulging romanticised thoughts - force yourself back to reality. Keep busy. Congratulate yourself for being strong. Accept that it sux - short term pain for long term gain.

    All these things will speed up the process.

    Katy

  17. Flower1990
    Flower1990 avatar
    10 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Yeah…its just horrible isnt it! I think the worst thing about it is all the lies…that hurts me the most! I know he cant change and wont better himself…but it still makes me so upset how someone I love can treat me that way…ill never understand! :(

    yes…im trying to go 100% no contact and stick to it this time so I can forget about this nightmare! 🤞🏼

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