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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Forced to have an abortion

Topic: Forced to have an abortion

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Flourish
    Flourish  avatar
    7 posts
    4 July 2016

    To the point straight away I was forced to have an abortion after taking all the proper contraception controls 6mths into seeing a guy.

    At the time had just had a baby to another guy who after a lot of grief(very long story we parted ways) the thought of being a single mum with 2 kids wasn't the best option so proceeded with the abortion.

    It has then became an on&off relationship which I feel that this incident was the turning point for the relationship, myself never fully being able to recover from terminating twins!

    It has now come to the point where he has partially walked away as he believes I'm happy being depressed and negative all the time. I want to fully cut off all contact with him as I know it's not helping my mental stability, I just can't seem to let go??

    I have no friends due to a previous relationship, no family and my psychologist never seems to have stragies to help. Any advice would be greatful as right now I'm starting to think of giving up my daughter to foster family.....

  2. Kathryne
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    Kathryne avatar
    132 posts
    6 July 2016

    Hi

    Welcome to Beyond Blue.

    It is hard coming to terms with the grief experienced from the termination of a pregnancy. It will get easier.

    Could you consider attending playgroup with your daughter with the view to meeting with other mums.

    If you feel you need a break have you considered putting your daughter into childcare.does your daughter's father have Access? How about his family /parents could they have your daughter for a weekend to give you time.

    Have you discussed your view with the psychologist and that the strategies you develop in your sessions don't assist with you being able to move forward.

    If you feel you need to chat call beyond blue on 1300224636

    Regards Kathryne

  3. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    6 July 2016 in reply to Flourish

    Dear Flourish

    Hello and welcome. I am sorry that you have been through so much turmoil. Abortion is never easy and it seems you have a double loss with twins. Please believe you will get through this.

    If you are unhappy with your psychologist it is your option to go to someone else. I would like to suggest an alternative. Psychologists work by helping you discover what is upsetting you. For example, you may have experienced bullying at school, been assaulted in some way, missed out on a caring relationship with your family. The list is pretty well endless. Have you talked to your psych about your life in general?

    Strategies are not usually the first thing a psych talks about. You need to become comfortable with each other and trust each other. This therapeutic relationship will not work if there is no trust. Neither will it work if you do not contribute to the discussion and work on what is happening in your life. I know I tend bottle things up and find it difficult to talk about many parts of my life. I have only been able to do this in more than dribs and drabs in the last few months.

    If you are looking for a quick fix it will not work. Do you think you can talk about this with your psych? Discuss your expectations from this therapy and what the psych is expecting to contribute. It may be you both have different ideas about what needs to happen. So talk about this first. Once you know, in general, how the process works it will be a lot easier to reach your goals.

    Strategies are not imposed on you, they are developed together. After all, it's no use telling you to do something you know full well you cannot manage at this time. I suggest you use your next meeting with the psych to talk about your expectations and be sure you are both heading in the same direction. Your psych will not be upset with you over this. They know it takes time and often people need to have expectations clarified from time to time.

    I find it hard to believe anyone is happy being depressed. It's a contradiction in terms and seems unlikely for you. I wonder if the BF is looking for an excuse to leave. How old is your daughter? I gather she is quite young. At this time toddlers need their mom to be around. They need to be loved and cared for by mom. Yes it's hard being a single mom and every single mom will agree with you. Please keep your baby close, love and nurture her as much as you can. You and baby only get one chance at this.

    Out of words. Please write again.

    Mary

  4. Flourish
    Flourish  avatar
    7 posts
    6 July 2016 in reply to White Rose

    Hello,

    I understand it's not a quick fix, it's been 10yrs with numerous psychologist, psych's, counsellors ect.

    The BF is now an ex as he cant deal with my depression just used every excuse possible which I see now.

    My daughter is 3yrs old, I'm still at the stage of going through the motions and thinking she would've been better adopted!

    Im just barely keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. My daughter needs what's best for her regardless of me being her biological mother.

    I know if I had friends and family for support it wouldn't be like this, I guess just keep with the 'autopilot'.

  5. Flourish
    Flourish  avatar
    7 posts
    6 July 2016 in reply to Kathryne

    Hi Kathyrne,

    I can't attend a playgroup as I work 5 days a week so she is already in daycare which is very costly and work is barely covering it!

    Two weeks after my daughter was born my depression got to me not being aware, a fight broke out with her biological father where my daughter was taken from me for 6mths until I could prove to DHS I was a fit mother, the courts said Post Natal Depression was no excuse.

    After that all happened my own Mother sided with my daughter's biological father and placed IVO's on me&his family never wanted anything to do with me after his previous past so literally have no one to take her for a break.

    I feel like I'm going in circles as every professional I talk to I need to start all over again with telling them about my past and the government only offers 10 sessions a year so usually takes 5 just to talk about my past so I usually feel like I'm going for nothing! I need stragies to deal with everyday stresses and unplanned events. Also ways of coping by myself.....

  6. beingbyrne
    beingbyrne avatar
    153 posts
    6 July 2016 in reply to Flourish

    I'm really sorry about your struggle, but let me put it into perspective for you.

    In your first post you said that " the thought of being a single mum with 2 kids just wasn't an option" ...and in your second post: " it's been 10yrs with numerous psychologist, psych's, counsellors ect." and you also mentioned that you have no friends and family support and "Im just barely keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table."

    Based on these facts I think you've done the right think and you shouldn't beat yourself up. I assume you've been struggling with depression and mental health issues for at least 10 years and that makes it a lot harder to be a parent, which is why you felt that having a second child was not an option for you. If you didn't terminate the pregnancy, now you would have to be thinking about finding care for 3 children instead of 1 which is worse...so you've done the right thing, the best possible option in your situation regarding the abortion.

    And also, I think working part time instead of full time would work out better....centrelink payment + part time work is pretty much the same about of income as working full time and you don't have to pay as much for child care. You should go to centrelink and ask the social worker on duty for advice and for the best possible option for you and your child. They are usually quite helpful with reasonable people.

    Don't abandon your daughter....you mean the world to her at this age...she needs you.

    Don't give up just yet.....there are always solutions..we just have to look hard enough to find them.

    Best wishes .....hugs

  7. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    6 July 2016 in reply to Flourish

    Dear Flourish

    So sorry about your hard struggle. It's difficult to offer help when we don't know the whole story. I see Beingbyrne has made a suggestion about CentreLink. I have no idea if this would work but it certainly sounds worth pursuing. Do you get any assistance from CentreLink? They give an extra supplement to assist with rental costs but you are probably receiving this already.

    I know the primary need for both of you is shelter and food. I also know managing your own mental health is important. I take it the more obvious things like a different job is not feasible. When your ten psych visits are finished, can you go to your own doctor? Alternatively, have you tried Relationships Australia or Anglicare. These have free or very low cost counselling available. Anglicare may have child care options that may be cheaper but I don't know for sure about this part. Both organisations have good reputations in the counselling world and this way you would have continuous service. May I ask what state you live in.

    If you phone the BB help line on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to suggest other options.

    Mary

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