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Forums / Relationship and family issues / How do I make sense of this?

Topic: How do I make sense of this?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. User95
    User95 avatar
    2 posts
    22 May 2021
    Me and my ex were in a relationship for 3 years. We agreed on no contact due to us both still having feelings for eachother, and the breakup was very respectful with no bad feelings involved. During those 3 years, we got a dog together which we both agreed would stay at his house and I can see her anytime I want asking as I message him before hand. I messaged him asking to see her Thursday which he said she would love to see me and ‘might see you Saturday :)’. On Saturday, I got there to see her and found out he was there, he stayed inside on the couch, and made me feel very sad and awkward that we were so close yet he chose to ignore me and didn’t even say ‘Hi’. It’s got me feeling very confused and sad. I can’t make sense of him not even acknowledging me when we were a glass door away from eachother. I messaged him afterwards saying ‘Sorry I didn’t say hello, I didn’t know if you wanted me to or not.’ He has seen it but didn’t reply. How do I make sense of this as I’m struggling how to interpret it??
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    22 May 2021 in reply to User95

    Hi, welcome

    With human to human communication (or rather lack thereof) we never really know what is going on unless we a/ go directly to the source with direct questions or b/ ignore the lack of communication altogether.

    The reason is, for example, he might have another person in his life, there might have been someone else there, he might find his feelings of you difficult to manage so not seeing you is easier to cope with...and many other reasons not thought about....like he might be drunk and ashamed, busy putting together a job application and wants to focus...etc

    The best thing you can do is either ask him directly how he is coping with life as a friend that is concerned and ask him to open up or allow him to move on how he pleases.

    Another idea is to express your friendship to him with a small gift, makes a good reason to knock on the door and talk directly.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    619 posts
    22 May 2021 in reply to User95

    I probably read more in your post than you wrote...

    • We agreed on no contact; - so this is a condition to not engage in banter or even social niceties to avoid blurring the lines of separation
    • we got a dog together ... agreed would stay at his house and I can see her anytime; - again, an understanding that you are entitled to visit your dog irrespective of the dissolution of the relationship
    • he said she would love to see me; might see you Saturday :); - perhaps a little sardonic, but in accordance with the agreed terms. Do you detect some macabre humour in 'might see you' (through the glass!)
    • I messaged him afterwards saying ‘Sorry I didn’t say hello, I didn’t know if you wanted me to or not.’ He has seen it but didn’t reply; - following the stipulated conditions of no contact

    Is this the first time you have gone to see your dog? If so, things might be a little raw and uncomfortable on both sides for not knowing how to manage the situation without breaching the agreed conditions. Your ex seems to have followed them to the letter (possibly to a petulant extreme). Perhaps you could refine your agreement to clarify presence (a regular day/time for fitting in with plans) and interaction boundaries (maybe take dog to a park to respect the conditions) in which you will both be comfortable.

  4. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    65 posts
    23 May 2021 in reply to User95

    Hi User95,

    Regardless of the reasons why he behaved in this way, and there could be any number of explanations, it is painful for you to have to deal with and I understand how this is making you feel sad and confused. White Knight is right in saying you have 2 options; ask directly or ignore. It is really difficult as there are probably hurt feelings on both sides even though the relationship was ended respectfully. If you ask, there's a really good chance you won't get an answer that is satisfactory or will make you feel better and if you ignore you are left wondering. Honestly, yes, he is abiding by your agreement but it seems unkind to not respond. By not responding to your text or saying 'Hello', he is sending a message. The message is difficult for you to interpret. You are left with your 2 choices! Tranzcrybe makes a good point about clarifying the terms of your agreement in how to behave/interact for situations where you might have to see each other.

    If you are able, and feel up to it, please let us know how it goes.

    WaterFront

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