I met my partner in 2011, I was 17 at the time and he was 18. I was outgoing, happy and confident. I met him through a high school friend, he was a bit aloof when we first met, but I quickly fell in love with him.
As time passed, red flags began to appear (which unfortunately I did not see for what they were at the time). He was always incredibly moody and there were many times that I saw him loose control of his temper. He was never physically abusive towards me, but he often got into fights with figures of authority or would take his anger out on inanimate objects. He would regularly ignore me and treat me as if I was invisible, even when it would bring me to tears, he would not acknowledge my feelings. The relationship quickly became very dark for me. I believe I have erased many things that I went through with him from my memory as a coping mechanism. I could not understand why he was treating me this way, I lost all of my self esteem and self confidence and became so depressed that I ended up turning to a psychologist to try and get some help (I was around 19 at this time). With the help of a friend, I finally removed myself from the relationship and with much support from friends and family, I began to move on.
After leaving the relationship, I was very damaged, yet despite it all, I still missed my ex boyfriend very much. Some time after this, I met a man who ticked all the boxes, he was loving, kind and he adored me. We dated for nearly 2 years, BUT I would often see my ex partner around my area. It seemed to me that he had made some big changes in his life, he was taking better care of himself physically and had a stable career (both things he lacked whilst we were together). We started talking again which eventually drew me and my new partner apart and I ended up breaking up with this great guy, to go back to my ex. At first, things seemed great. I was confident our relationship was going to be different this time around.
It has been 2 years since we got back together. I am now 26 and we are living together. Things are not good. Although he has changed to an extent and does tell me he loves me, he shows me no affection, our sex life is non existent and we do not communicate. I feel lonely and unhappy in our relationship. I am depressed and often think of suicide. I know I should leave him again but I am terrified at the thought of breaking up and feel that its impossible for me. After nearly 10 years of this I feel so depleted and hopeless.