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Forums / Relationship and family issues / I need some real advice here. Please read!!

Topic: I need some real advice here. Please read!!

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. deek21
    deek21 avatar
    10 posts
    4 September 2021

    I've been with my bf for just over 2 yrs now. We met online &he was currently at that time in rehab. That info initially took me back but we developed a intense connection right away where I wanted to spend more time getting to know him. I find out he's in there for alcohol addiction. We spend about 2 mths getting to know one another by phone etc and finally meet. I've never had such a connection before. He comes from a good family. I also find out that he had an incident with his ex partner where it resulted in a domestic violence matter.I hear his story and put this aside and don't want to judge him based off that as it felt two sided in aggaggravated i'm separated with two kids from my past relationship, and what I was looking for physical etc I found in my new partner. During our relationship it's been highs and lows both with alcohol on the rare occasion and then came in drug use. I won't say the drug but when I found out I took a step back and gradually worked up to seeing him. Then his court case comes around after over a year and a half together and he gets a couple of months. This in another state too as that's where it happened. We stay in touch and decide to still be together he's out& clean and the letters conversation give me strength in us. We both made mistakes during our relationship and decide to move forward

    It's been a few weeks unfortunately we are still waiting for him to transfer down to our state and actually see eachother it feels like forever & although I see positive changes he's back to drinking

    I've been really upset by this because I'm worried he will go backwards He's drank quite a few times & then ontop of that he's bit distant. He's smoking also.

    I called to speak to him on a couple of occasions and he didn't answer then when he calls back he's been drinking and it feel like everything we've spoken about was a lie

    I've spoken about my feelings about this but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly nagging him etc. Spoke to him recently to find out he's drinking again tonight with only 2 nights of a break from drinking i'm concerned.Our plan was to move in together. But I'm scared that maybe he's not as serious as I thought. My kids are attached to him. He's great with them calls videos and shows he's genuinely interested in their well-being.

    But then there is the drinking & my uncertainty now around who he is now that he's out.I don't know what to do. Or how to think I'm in love with him &daily anticipate his arrival home.

  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1564 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to deek21

    Hi there

    So you love this man and want to be with him but it sounds like you have concerns around his drinking. What was his response when you expressed those concerns to him? And what are the implications for your relationship if he chooses to drink? Does he act in ways that upset you or your children, or make you feel unsafe? You can decide if you wish to answer those questions or not.

    I think in any situation it’s important to think about our values and what’s important to us, and whether what we’re doing aligns with that. If not, things can feel fairly uncomfortable. I hope that makes sense.

    Is there an opportunity to delay moving in together until you’re more sure about things?

    Katy

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15269 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to deek21

    Hello Deeks, good to hear from you.

    We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect in any way, but those of us who want to learn from past experiences and try to rectify the situation to honour our position will be able to improve the relationship, but those who refuse will always have trouble keeping close to their partner.

    People with an alcohol addiction can improve themselves in a new r/lationship but as this continues on, then slowly the alcohol will become a dominant factor once again, which may also include drugs but not necessarily for alcohol addicts, or one or both of these may be hidden so no one else knows about them causing a greater problem as your trust has been broken as he didn't answer the phone calls you made to him, not unless he'd been drinking.

    Your intention of moving in together may seem to be appropriate, especially as he and your kids get on well with each other, however, as I can't tell you what to do, I can offer a suggestion, but as he has been convicted then I worry if the two of you can live together, and I only say this because he has to decide himself if he wants to stop drinking and no matter how much you love him is not strong enough to stop the drinking, and that's a concern.

    Please post back to us and ask any questions you like.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  4. deek21
    deek21 avatar
    10 posts
    6 September 2021

    Thank you for the replies.

    It's been a good couple of days then today I gave him some funds for food etc. To find out he's brought alcohol it wasn't even 2:30pm I called he was drinking, not to mention with his mates gf there too. Just them again. It really upset me so I lost it hung up and then called his mate to try to talk to him. He just got home so couldn't talk.

    So my bf calls me up abusing me calling me names and verbally abusing me. I'm crazy yelling etc. Then came the texts of any love he had he's lost for me, good luck to me.. then to say I'm putting things in his mates head.. I called him to let him know he was drinking and also I wasn't happy with the environment. I suppose I get jealous but it's been months since we seen eachother..

    He's told me his done with me, he's very drunk. But then he's called me threatening if I do it again we are done. So I'm not too sure what's happening with us. I'm really hurt I've cried so much. I sacrifice to help him financially then ontop of that it feels like it's turned onto me and I'm in the wrong as I'm unhappy he's drinking and his mates gf is there. I trust him around her but I don't like knowing he's drunk..and in a situation something could go wrong etc.

    I don't know how to feel. I called his dad to tell him he's been drinking and the situation which he wasn't happy about. Then he said I should really think about if I want to be with him as he's not changing.... I feel like I'm constantly giving and he doesn't get my place in this..

    Any advice on how to approach this ? There's the love and feelings then there's the person who is drinking who's different..I'm so hurt right now.

  5. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    6 September 2021 in reply to deek21

    Hi there,

    This is a really difficult situation. I can completely understand where you're coming from when you didn't want to judge him about his addiction and his domestic violence case. You have obviously developed a strong connection with this person and it's amazing that you were able to see beyond his struggles.

    I think at the same time, your intuition is very important. It's important to look out for the warning signs of abuse and relapse when deciding to be with someone with this background. Everyone can say that they've changed, but change is demonstrated through actions.

    Your partner has been verbally abusive to you and drinking again, even when you have supported him financially and emotionally. Abusers seek to control and have power over you to get what they want. I understand that you have empathy for your partner and know that he's struggling, but this can never excuse abuse. You can still love your partner but have boundaries for yourself.

    I can't tell you what to do by any means. But I strongly suggest that you put yours and your kids wellbeing and safety over his. If he's the right person for you, he will show you that he's changed and come back. It may be that in his own life he isn't fit to be in a relationship right now, and he has a lot of work to do to get back on track.

    You can still love and care for him while keeping your distance. Do not ever let him get away with this behaviour, especially considering what happened with his last partner. It takes a lot of recovery and desire to change for an abuser to resolve their issues, and it's his responsibility to take those steps.

    If he is right for you, he will show you.

    I really hope that the love you have for each other will lead to a healthy relationship one day for the both of you. From an outsider looking in, this does seem like a dangerous situation and I strongly encourage you to look after yourself here and keep your distance. The person that you once had a connection with I'm sure is still there somewhere. It's his job to prove that to you, and it's important that you don't sacrifice more than he will to get back to where you both were.

    Take care.

    1 person found this helpful

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