Hi BB community, I’m a bit lost and hoping for some wisdom.
I have been together with my wife for over a decade, married for half and have 2 kids together. Up until recently I was unaware how unhappy my wife was in the marriage, and it wasn’t until she requested counselling that it all came out.
I was slow to grasp the seriousness of the situation and had some adverse emotional reactions - I was blindsided when she opened up which didn’t help the situation. On reflection I understand how we got here, my wife was feeling under appreciated in the relationship, wasn’t getting the attention she needed or deserved, and the spark between us was lost. We both have very demanding and stressful jobs and with 2 young kids we didn’t prioritise our relationship. That being said we have always spent a lot of time with each other and as a family and up until recently barely had any arguments.
Since understanding the seriousness of our situation I have been doing everything I can to save the relationship, have bared my soul, tried to reestablish communication, agreed to counselling and was under the impression we were both on the same page with getting through this.
Fast forward 3 months and I discovered she has been having an emotional affair with a male friend which started around the same time she flagged relationship issues. This was something I confronted her about as I had noticed a change in her behaviours, not something that she came to me with. We also had our first counselling session recently and agreed with the counsellor we wanted to work through it, but the very next day she said she wants to separate and we have now started that process. We both have very different coping mechanisms, I’m trying to talk through my feelings while she is shutting down which hasn’t helped.
I’m absolutely floored. Within 3 months our lives have been turned upside down and I’m struggling to comprehend and keep up with the speed of this. I still have feelings for my wife and would like to work through, we are being amicable as we discuss next steps but I’m concerned we’re about to make some pretty big decisions that will impact the rest of our lives without having had time to fully work this through. She has agreed to continue counselling short term before we make some of the bigger decisions, but I feel this is heading one way.
I would be interested to hear if anyone has been through something similar and if any sound advice or reference materials you would recommend.