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Forums / Relationship and family issues / My estranged daughter turns 21 today

Topic: My estranged daughter turns 21 today

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    43 posts
    22 November 2020

    Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

    It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

    She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

    I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

    It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

    Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.



    3 people found this helpful
  2. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2551 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to Jstar49

    Dear Jstar

    What a sad thing it is that your eldest daughter isn't speaking to you and hasn't for FOUR YEARS! omg that's so sad.

    I'm so sorry. That's horrible.

    I really don't know how the relationship between you both / all can heal but we're here to listen and comfort you if and when we can. Hugs!

    I had a very high risk situation happen a number of years ago with my eldest daughter and eldest children.
    It lasted for YEARS.
    I truly thought it would never heal.

    It broke my heart in 2, so I'm really feeling for you about this.

    My Counsellor's advice was VERY difficult to hear and to do.
    I asked her questions ALL the time about it and cried my heart out.

    Cs advice was "Be consistently and persistently YOURSELF".

    For me it was more about AVOIDING doing some things and just being consistently and persistently myself.

    I had to ask myself what kind of mother I AM firstly!
    It was SO HARD....

    Then I came up with answers which directed my own actions (and inactions).

    I consistently sent pleasant texts asking her questions. I have grandchildren to her also so I asked about them and her partner (who was a huge part of the problem).

    I ALWAYS used pet names to her and sent LOTS of 💜💙💚💛🧡 hearts lol.

    I knew her / their interests so selected ONE present that was very thoughtful for every celebration.
    I had them mailed, gift wrapped etc.

    I avoided...
    * over explaining things about the situation
    * blaming her or anyone in her sphere
    * crying
    * texting too often
    * calling too often.

    I apologised for anything she accused me of.
    I expressed HOPE for our future relationship.

    She was VERY ANGRY in fact FURIOUS.... it's taken YEARS to begin to heal our relationship and I STILL have to be consistent in my mood, reactions, LOVE - everything.

    The thing was that SHE betrayed me many times over multiple levels.

    I will never trust anyone 100% again. No one.
    I am far more comfortable this way as no one can promise life long devotion and probably shouldn't! (See Brene Brown's work esp her Netflix special "The Call to Courage". She agrees).

    My own mother is another story.
    I've been NC for decades with her.
    She was taken away by Police which could have happened hundreds of times during my life.
    I'm NC bec she's violent in all ways.

    You're in my Prayers
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    8219 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to Jstar49


    welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your experience and exposing your story.
    I was going to reply and noticed EM had replied with helpful suggestions from her own experience.

    I won’t repeat her post . I do know people who have not heard from their children for up to ten years. I have hope that things can change as I have seen it happen. It takes time and patience.

    You know your daughter more than anyone you will decide what you want to do. I can feel your pain and not sharing her 21st birthday with her.

    A friend wrote to her daughter for all the years in a journal .
    When her daughter came back she told her of the journal but the daughter didn’t want to see it at that time. Years later when her mum was ill, she asked for the journal and cried.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    43 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks Q,

    There's some really sad stories in your reply.

    I have been hoping that the whole amygdala thing maturing was going to be the answer to my prayers- maybe not! Thing is, I can imagine this sort of scenario with my daughter. She's quite strong willed. I wrote her a letter and popped it in with a basket of presents, along with a photo album-family tradition in our family- but i really don't know if she will read it. A journal is a good idea, maybe.


  5. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    43 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey Em,

    Thanks so much. I knew i wasn't alone, but it's not something anyone really wants to talk about I guess.

    Theres been a lot of blame shifting in our (FoO) family for years. It's a tough one. What can one do? Only learn from it, pick yourself up when you get knocked down, and find lovely people wherever you can.

    I have learnt that I need to get by without other people's approval. That recognising you've made mistakes isn't the same thing as shouldering all the blame, for everyone else/their choices and actions.

    I try and be consistent with my d. Funny that, cos when she was little someone told me that consistency is what kids need, and I really struggled with it. I like the description tag of being consistently me, and examining what sort of mother I am. An interesting mental exercise anyway-should help distract me from my self-flagellation! haha lol.

    My youngest d is an absolute gem, and tells me all the time that I'm the best mum. She is so good for my soul and I love her to bits. I love my eldest too, in such a different way. I don't think she knows that, really, from what my mum said once. I am reminded of the Peter Carey novel, Oscar and Lucinda, where the guy grows the girl a forest for her bees to prove his love. I wonder if I will need that much patience??!

    Em, it sounds like you have your own sad story around mothering. It's a good thing you are on a healing journey, both for yourself and your bloodline. I truly believe that nothing we do is wasted, especially not our healing work.

    Thankyou for your words- and hugs


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