What a sad thing it is that your eldest daughter isn't speaking to you and hasn't for FOUR YEARS! omg that's so sad.
I'm so sorry. That's horrible.
I really don't know how the relationship between you both / all can heal but we're here to listen and comfort you if and when we can. Hugs!
I had a very high risk situation happen a number of years ago with my eldest daughter and eldest children.
It lasted for YEARS.
I truly thought it would never heal.
It broke my heart in 2, so I'm really feeling for you about this.
My Counsellor's advice was VERY difficult to hear and to do.
I asked her questions ALL the time about it and cried my heart out.
Cs advice was "Be consistently and persistently YOURSELF".
For me it was more about AVOIDING doing some things and just being consistently and persistently myself.
I had to ask myself what kind of mother I AM firstly!
It was SO HARD....
Then I came up with answers which directed my own actions (and inactions).
I consistently sent pleasant texts asking her questions. I have grandchildren to her also so I asked about them and her partner (who was a huge part of the problem).
I ALWAYS used pet names to her and sent LOTS of 💜💙💚💛🧡 hearts lol.
I knew her / their interests so selected ONE present that was very thoughtful for every celebration.
I had them mailed, gift wrapped etc.
* over explaining things about the situation
* blaming her or anyone in her sphere
* texting too often
* calling too often.
I apologised for anything she accused me of.
I expressed HOPE for our future relationship.
She was VERY ANGRY in fact FURIOUS.... it's taken YEARS to begin to heal our relationship and I STILL have to be consistent in my mood, reactions, LOVE - everything.
The thing was that SHE betrayed me many times over multiple levels.
I will never trust anyone 100% again. No one.
I am far more comfortable this way as no one can promise life long devotion and probably shouldn't! (See Brene Brown's work esp her Netflix special "The Call to Courage". She agrees).
My own mother is another story.
I've been NC for decades with her.
She was taken away by Police which could have happened hundreds of times during my life.
I'm NC bec she's violent in all ways.
You're in my Prayers