Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . brought on by my ex wife . i moved here from America 16 years ago , with my Australian wife and baby twins . to make a better life for my family New York was tough . i was going backwards every year . doing a job a hated , it was a family business .
i guess i was always discontent with the world . even at a young age , i felt this world was not for me . in my mid teens i started thinking of suicide. tho never got up the nerve . except for the night that i made up my mind that i was going to do this, at age 21. that night i had a call from a friend from high school , that i lost touch with . it freaked me out . well i put away the idea , but i still struggled with life . i am not always down , i still have fun here and there . i can still laugh at things , but a sadness hangs around .
The thing getting me down at the moment is a lot of things . you see , ever since the split up , the pain i fell from not being with my kids is draining me . i try and see my kids every other weekend . then only as divorced parents know . its that tearful drive back home to nothing . now that wouldn't be so bad if you felt your kids loved you . but i don't feel the love . this past weekend i blew up at my oldest son . yes i was wrong . yes i jumped to conclusions . but when you are down , and you haven't seen your kids in a month ,[ because there mother has other things planned ] and you turn up to see them . and they cant be bothered to put down there computer games to come out and say hello . it hurts . when my son did come out .[ the 3 other kids i have, did not even bother] . i did not have kind words to say . this has been going on since we split . the kids where never phased by my leaving . they just carried on like it was nothing . i feel like i was replaced by computer games and the tv . there was a time that only 1 or 2 of my kids would go anywhere with me .my ex would not force the others to go with me . they where allowed to stay home and play video games . i watched my kids get fat , out of shape . learn nothing . it was killing me inside . i tried talking to them to many times about the amount of time they play .
my 16 year old daughter has told my family in the U.S. i am a bad farther , ( we have very little communication these days) . she thinks i am a looser . and i feel like one . she is tired of seeing my miserable face . she thinks i am looking for sympathy . she had the nerve of telling my family in N.Y. this past summer .( we went as a family so my family could finally meet my kids) that i was being fake . she has not seen me smile or be happy in a while . so when we where back in N.Y. with my family , i was smiling i was happy for a while . she did not see what happened after i left them to go back to my place, once we got back to Australia .( i have also high anxiety at this time ). i got back to my place and it felt like i had a nervous breakdown . i could not stop crying , i could not stop shaking . thank god i had some medicine to take . i took enough to knock me out . and i feared the next day .the next week , i did not know how i was going to pull through . this lasted for a month till i was felling a little better this year alone i don't know how many days of work i have missed . i go through periods where i can function . then i have relapse into not being able to go to work .
i have lost most of what i had . bad business decisions , being erratic, getting screwed by other people . has left me pretty much broke and broken . i am heartbroken , and the love that i would like to feel from my kids is not there . which makes me not want to go there and get rejected again . i went through that for 10 years being married to a woman that was mad at me most of the time . rejection is my middle name . you can only take so much . this has affected me to the point where i do feel worthless . i feel like no woman wants a man like me . i dont go out anymore , i cant look a woman in the eye . i walk with my head down . trying not to make eye contact . i have been alone now for 8 years . no girlfriends , no nothing . i feel like i have nothing to offer .
there is a lot more that i am not putting down . it would sound like a soap opera of bad luck , sorry for jumping around with my story , its the way my brain is .
Thanks for listening