This is my first step to getting my old self back again (hopefully). I don't know if I have depression or suffer from anxiety. One thing I know for sure is that I'm not happy on a regular basis and I don't know why.
This all started about six or seven years ago and has been a roller a coster since then. We have had happy times, however the low times are what seem to stick around the surface of memories. I have trouble forgiving myself for hurting my wife (not psychically) and through that I am pushing that hurt back onto her because I can not forgive myself. I lie to her sometimes when she ask's me questions because I don't want to argue with her incase my answer is not what she wants to hear. I know this will only lead to more mistrust in our relationship. I am an open book and are very comfortable talking about my past and problems, so here goes.
After the birth of our second child about 6 1/2 years ago my wife caught me looking at an adult webcast of another woman online, I am not proud of that, and can not change the fact that it happened. I was feeling lonely and was seeking attention and sexual attention from my wife and was not receiving it. I did not want to have physical contact with another woman just someone to show interest in me on a level that I felt I needed at the time.
I understand that it was the wrong thing to do and have felt like a piece of garbage ever since that day and to be honest I glad she caught me. I want her to know that she can trust me again. She had banned me from Facebook and social network in general due to her fearing that I will seek out an emotional relationship with someone from the opposite sex.
I am adopted and have known this fact from a very early age, however once told about it, it was not spoken about again and I was left to deal with the emotions on my own. I have felt like a black sheep most of my life due to the fact that it was not discussed openly at home. I have a problem with the constant need to know that my wife is in love with me and will always be there for me, my biggest fear is her leaving me. She has always been faithful to me and try to understand what is going on with me.
I have two adorable children who I love to bits and a wife that continues to stand by me even with my constant mood swings, feelings of loneliness, sadness, bitterness and emotional pain I have endured her through. I am actively seeing a councillor every 2 weeks and attending aa meetings also.