Hi KA, welcome
And a choice that's yours and yours only. but it makes you feel guilty because caring for these family members has been your life.
We cant choose our family. But we can choose if we want to continue in contact. And if in the future they do contact you...you can let them know that all the clothes and toys for your nephew went to charity.
I've been in a bind myself. My older brother died in 1979- suicide. My family, like yours grieved so much I had to be the strong one. But the following years my mother placed incredible stress upon me with demands. In 1992 my father died and that pressure became too much. Eventually in 2010 I discontinued contact with her. This is permanent.
Was my decision hard to keep? Yes, the first 2 years was riddled with doubt and guilt. But the thought of returning to her life - well I had to be realistic and recall the stress and unnecessary obstacles she placed on me.
So what has happened since then in 5 years? Well I've lost about half my family. A daughter, a niece and her young children, an auntie, 5 cousins and many family friends. Such is the power of one. But it not bother me because I know this split was required for my sanity and my future. I know she is unwell. All evidence points to BPD but I'm no doctor. As she is and always will be in denial, I'll never know. Her denial of any adverse input to the split is evidence in itself of her stubbornness. That's her problem.
But the last 5 years has been a rebuilding experience that I've enjoyed albeit difficult.
Sometimes you just have to back yourself. But if you decide to alienate members of your family you need to stop playing their game. The game in my case was and still is, manipulation of other family members to "make" me run back to my mother.
I had one such example. One of my loving cousins, more like a brother, asked me once "if you mother was on her death bed and not long to live..you'd go to her wouldn't you"? "No" was my answer. Then "I don't get in between your mother and you, why are you involved in this issue?". And, "My mother has some good qualities but her poor qualities I cant live with". And this "only the children of my mother know what its like to live with her as a child of hers....no one else would know what that's like".
Some people can portray themselves as a wonderful person that has been unfairly dealt with. Manipulation is a handy tool. But it will never break the will of some.