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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Separation anxiety?

Topic: Separation anxiety?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Elle gross
    Elle gross avatar
    6 posts
    18 January 2022
    Recently I got into this weird “more than friends” thing and it’s giving me such anxiety. We both want to focus on our studies since it’s our senior year so we decided to agree to start the real relationship by the end of senior year. Because of that decision he talks to me around 2-3 hours a day. I’m just in constant anxiety even though I know it’s because he wants to focus on himself and study for the moment:(( Like the negative thoughts in my head keep telling me that if he was really interested in me enough he would talk to me more. I’m honestly considering if I have some sort of abandonment issues or separation anxiety 😭If he doesn’t talk to me often I just assume it’s because he doesn’t want to. I know it’s not a healthy behaviour for me because I even get jealous of his friends that get to spend time with him even though I know I shouldn’t be! Like 2-3 hours isn’t enough for me. But it doesn’t seem like it bothers him so much which hurts me a bit too:(( These strong emotions keep me from my hobbies and studying. I’ve talked to him about this issue before and he told me I need to be productive too and that caring for me is making sure I am the best I can be. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back. I was productive today but I just ended up feeling worse in the end from all the suppressing and distracting my true emotions. Please help me on how to cope or if this even is the right path for me!
  2. HappyHelper88
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    HappyHelper88 avatar
    198 posts
    18 January 2022 in reply to Elle gross

    Thanks for your post and welcome

    2-3 Hours a day is still pretty good considering how busy you both must be, in my senior year I was stressed and had no time
    I definitely understand the way that you are feeling as I suffer from abandonment issues myself

    I feel like a lot of women tend to be more emotional then men I'm not sure why.....i am quite emotional and have had similar thoughts as you but my partner is never bothered

    I think distraction can help but you need to address your feelings too

    I think you should talk to someone...a close friend or even a counsellor is a good start

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

    I hope this helps

  3. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    18 January 2022 in reply to Elle gross

    Hi, welcome

    Like happy helper, I think a counselor is a good idea.

    Our emotions can feed our mind the wrong ideas, jumble things up and before you know it you are mixed up and getting things out of whack.

    In a relationship your aims should be to be as relaxed as you can get with each other which must include trust, space, plans, commitment (depending on the conditions agreed), benefit of the doubt and care. In your case its sort of as if you feel insecure and it comes across like anxiety hence best to seek counseling. Counsleing is no big drama, think of it as an insurance for getting things into better perspective.

    Many years ago I had issues with realism. I would allow my thoughts to wander into fantasy. I'd worry my boss would knock on my door even on a Sunday morning. My therapist identified this and taught me to discount thoughts that were not realistic. Even today 33 years alter I still ask myself that question and if it is a fantasy I move on quickly, it a control I'm glad I now have.

    In a way that same discipline allows you to discount assumptions which in a relationship can become dangerous. eg if he is enjoying company of a few friends and you feel he is spending too much time there then later you find out he went to that friends place to celebrate his friends birthday then study together and so on. Hence the "benefit of the doubt" which is part of trust. Trust until proved otherwise is a part of a relationship unlike a new friendship where its the other way around.

    I hope that helps.

    TonyWK

  4. jaz28
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    jaz28 avatar
    519 posts
    19 January 2022 in reply to Elle gross

    Hi Elle,

    When I first started dating my boyfriend of 2.5 years, I sometimes felt similar. I would get envious when his friends and even family got to spend time with him over me (lmao I laugh now), so I think it is quite normal. However, I knew to hide this and not place this envy on him or express it (as it is not healthy) and reminded myself that he needs that time to be happy in himself - which is key to any relationship. And, I also need that time too alone with my friends and family.

    Now, we are both quite individual in our lives but always come back to each other. We lead busy lives, both work a lot and only get to see each other on Sundays for the whole day and then a few nights a week after work. This creates a healthy balance, we get our alone time and space to live our own lives - but we always give ourselves a day a week to be together. After each day, we talk and share the details of our day and express our love. We hope to move in together soon, but even then it is important to have alone time for the relationship to survive.

    Emotions are strong, especially envy, but you need to recognise them before you react. I hope things improve for you.

    Jaz xx

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