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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Some days are hard and I still think about him a year later ....

Topic: Some days are hard and I still think about him a year later ....

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Michelle1978
    Michelle1978 avatar
    7 posts
    13 May 2014

    Well I was with my ex boyfriend for just over 4 years. I really loved him and fitted in with his family quite well. His mum even said to him to start saving for an engagement ring. I didnt want to marry him - sometimes I just felt that we were on different paths in life. He wanted to get married and have a family. But I loved him all the same and supported him as best I could. He was from a very wealthy family and seemed to have no idea about money etc.

    Anyway over the years we spoke about moving in together but it just never happened. I was still trying to save a deposit together to buy a property which we could live in or use as an investment.

     I had a mutual friend of ours give me an ultimatum at one stage which made me upset. I didnt remain friends with her because I dont believe real friends give ultimatums. My ex boyfriend still remained friends with them which upset me. I never stopped him from seeing them but as he had a big mouth I would just ask him not to talk about me at all etc. because I didnt want to be a topic of conversation.

     

    He wasnt very supportive. I went back to uni a couple of years ago and he wasnt happy about that at all but I did it anyway. His reason why he didnt want me to was because it would take time out of our relationship. He didnt seem to like any change. Just go with the status quo.

    Anyway there was a couple of times in the relationship where he just withdrew himself etc. I didnt know why but then he would come around and be ok. His family lived in another state and we were going to go on holidays to see them last year. Before we booked the tickets I asked him was he happy with me and our relationship and he said "Yes" so he booked the tickets. I was excited as it was one of my fav spots to visit.

    Anyway about 6 weeks later he had withdrawn himself and was acting a bit strange. Said he wanted to have a break and that he didnt feel the same for me (it just happened out of the blue). We went to counselling and he said the only reason why he booked my ticket to see his family was so that he didnt want to go on his own. This upset me as I gave him a chance to express his feelings before we booked the tickets. He was really pushing me to have a baby and in counselling when asked how we he afford it he said "There is government support available" and the in the next sentence he said "One day I will be filthy rich" this is due to his inheritance that he will get one day. This showed me that he had no idea. This didnt align with my values on money either as I have always been taught to work hard and save hard for the things you want in life.

     

    After the counselling we split up and the counsellor said to me that he was very immature and she thought that he didnt have enough maturity to become a father (he is 34). Anyway I told him I didnt want to stay friends with him but Facebook was ok because I had nothing to hide - then a couple of weeks later he blocked me and couldnt give me a good excuse why. This really upset and annoyed me.

     Anyway I havent had any contact with him for many months. In that time I have brought my own place etc. then a couple of weeks ago I found out he has a new gf who is a lot younger. Also his mum treated to the family to an exclusive get away and I just thought "He will never learn about money".

     Sometimes I still think about him and wonder how he is doing. I still get a little upset about it sometimes. I was talking to a distant relative of his on skype and he told me that he said to my ex that it was a shame that we split up because he liked us together and then my ex got upset and wont talk to him at all which is just immature.

     I have tried to move on with life. I have put myself online and gone out for a couple of coffee dates recently but sometimes the feelings keep coming back :(

     

     

  2. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    16 May 2014

    Hi there Michelle  

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post – I think you had a lot of stuff inside and it’s quite often a good way to vent sometimes – just to get things off your chest.  

    I also read between the lines that you absolutely KNOW that that relationship was not going to be a good thing for you and I feel very pleased for you that it has ended. 

    And being with him for 4 years, of course feelings and thoughts will be there for a while – you’re only human – and now that you’ve bought your own place (and good on you for doing so) and haven’t had any contact for a number of months – another big positive as well.  

    You are absolutely doing the right thing – doing your best to get on with your life and also having had a couple of coffee dates recently as well.  Keeping yourself occupied – making sure you keep occupied with whatever your interests or hobbies are or even anything sporting as well. 

    Doing those kinds of things, you just never know who you might run into. 

    But hey, also don’t be stressing if nothing happens immediately – cause that’s perhaps not what you are wanting right now anyway.  Just get out there and enjoy things now for what they are.  

    Kind regards  

     Neil

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9377 posts
    16 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Dear Michelle,

    I agree with Neil1.  And in another post on BB I explained the 3 or more processes we go through with separation.  Grief from loss, adapting to changes and finally moving on. 

    What you are describing is also a "what if" senario and a "when will he ever learn" concern.  Which really amounts to a clinging on situation.  But this is very normal.  I still do the same after 18 years from separating from my first wife of 11 years and 6 years since separating from my defacto of 10 years.  Will my first wife ever lose that laziness and will my ex defacto ever love or at least accept others children as being part of a partners life.

    What helps the most from these thoughts?  Finding love again.  Being able to focus on a new beginning.  Chances are your ex boyfriend wont ever learn about money and you could be a very lucky lady that it is no longer your problem.

    good luck

  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15561 posts
    17 May 2014 in reply to Michelle1978

    dear Michelle, yes I do agree with Neil and White Knight who are well, how can I put this in a diplomatic way, from the baby boomers era.

    What you have now done is to move forward by yourself, because people who are born into money never know what it's like to appreciate what working for a living is like, so their value of money means nothing to them, like 'I want to go away overseas' so who picks up the bill his parents, or perhaps 'I want a new car', but you got a new one last week, but go and choose what you want.

    Immature people like this can eventually go bust when it's all left to them, because they have no common sense, no understanding of having to work extra time, and will never associate the privilege of having so much money, seems as though I am giving a sermon here.

    Go your own way, there will be plenty of men out there who will treat you as a lady, and with so many goals in life. L Geoff. x

  5. Michelle1978
    Michelle1978 avatar
    7 posts
    21 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi

    Thanks for your responses. I guess I just needed to vent. Ive just been thinking about him a bit lately and just really want to stop the thoughts and focus my energies onto new goals in my life and hopefully find somebody nice along the way :)

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