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Topic: Toxic mother

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. EG1894
    EG1894 avatar
    5 posts
    12 April 2021

    Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me and how they have dealt with it.

    I have been seeing someone for 3 years, he is a beautiful person with good intentions, he works hard and treats me well. However, my mum absolutely hates him, she never has anything good to say about him, she is always negative and calls him the most disgusting and derogatory names. She does however act fake and nice to him to his face, but when he leaves I cop the brunt of everything. My whole extended family love him and so do my friends.

    For the past 3 years she has been not only nasty to him but incredibly nasty to me. She tells me I'm disgusting for wanting to be with someone like him and the only reason I'm with him is because I'm desperate to be liked by someone. There has been times in the past where he has stood up for both himself and I, however, she will just react by secluding the both of us from her house and from any family events. Just recently she told me that she spoke to her friend and that her friend knows a guy who wants to ask me out. I just find that very disrespectful.

    I just wanted to mention that she still loves my ex boyfriend who was emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and still hopes to this day that we will get back together. She tells me that her gut feeling is always right and that she knows he will contact me soon.

    I have been fighting to have a positive relationship with her for 3 years and have tried to forget all the trauma she has put me through, but I dont think I can keep going anymore. I guess I'm just scared to not have my mums support and I'm extremely desperate and always have been for her approval.

    Any guidance would help.... Thank you

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10373 posts
    12 April 2021 in reply to EG1894

    Dear EG1894~

    Welcome to the forum, where there have been all sorts of experiences to draw on.

    I guess it's only natural to need a parent's approval and also love, they hold a special place in one's life and heart. They can be role models, sources of love and comfort, and hopefully the wisdom that comes with a longer life.

    Unfortunatly parents do not always live up to such expectations, mine didn't, and it was over a girlfriend too. I was in circumstances where I could be independent and therefore able to make a choice.

    I'm unsure as to your circumstances, maybe you need to remain with your mother for practical reasons, which is a hard thing. You know that anyone can have an opinion, justified or otherwise, about another. You also know that there is such a thing as being two-faced which is dishonest and undesirable.

    Constant nagging is never on.

    For your mother to present a nice face to your friend, then complain about him behind his back and give you an ongoing hard time over it is unjust and simply reduces her worth in your eyes. It can also have the effect of driving you more towards your friend. If that is good or bad I don't know, but you would.

    Your ex-boyfriend is really a dead issue, no matter what she feels and says, and if you are content with your friend, then not recognizing that and offering you a new alternative is pretty dumb.

    As I said I was in some respects lucky, I could disregard my parents and choose the one I loved (and remained happily married to her until she passed away). The break made me grow up, be independent, and learn how to look after another.

    So I guess it is partly circumstances, partly how deep your feelings are for you boyfriend (and his for you) and partly your ability to see the faults in your parent and if you see yourself as being able to live with a parent you no longer hold in great esteem.

    So no answers from me I'm afraid. On a practical level maybe firm boundaries might help, walking away from each toxic episode as it starts and simply not allowing it to continue.

    Other than that is there anyone in your family you can rely upon to talk regularly with you and just care? Perhaps even retreat to on occasion. Trying to face this by yourself is very hard.

    Please let us know how you get on

    Croix

  3. Giraffe
    Giraffe avatar
    44 posts
    12 April 2021 in reply to EG1894
    Your mother sounds extremely narcissistic.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. socialmoth
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    socialmoth avatar
    79 posts
    12 April 2021 in reply to EG1894

    Hi EG1894,

    Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been going through with your mum. Relationships with parents can be really difficult to navigate sometimes.

    I can't add much to what Croix has said, but to me it sounds like your mum may also be projecting her feelings about something onto your boyfriend. My boyfriends mum didn't like me much at first and after my boyfriend and I reflected on it, we think it was because in a lot of ways I'm very similar to his mum. We're both strong willed, can be a bit dependent and love the same man (in our own ways of course). Me entering the picture could've made her feel like she was losing her power in a way. This isn't to say this is exactly what your mum is doing, but just my experience.

    I hope you're able to talk to a supportive family member about this issue, that will help a lot too.

  5. Juliet_84
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Juliet_84 avatar
    570 posts
    12 April 2021 in reply to EG1894

    Hi EG1984,

    Your mother thinking the sun shines out of your ex’s behind, a person who was both verbally and emotionally abusive towards you, tells you all you need to know about the kind of judge of character she is!! I would take that information and bin it, along with her opinion of your partner. All that should matter is how your partner treats you and whether he makes you happy. Her opinion of him other than that is her own opinion and nothing to do with you. I have had people say negative things about past partners of mine and it has not made one ounce of difference to me, because they don’t need to date them. Of course if they don’t like the way my partner treats me then that is an entirely different issue altogether but that doesn’t seem to be her problem here. It can be hard being around someone such as this as you want to share with them and talk with them but they ultimately use it against you, you need to watch yourself around some people, and unfortunately your mother seems to be one of those people. I’m sorry you are going through this x

  6. EG1894
    EG1894 avatar
    5 posts
    13 April 2021 in reply to Croix
    Thank you for your answer, you definitely did help in making me feel less alone. I currently live with my parents because I am studying full time so unfortunately I can't have space between my mum and I. At the moment we aren't communicating, but this is her way of punishing me by giving me the silent treatment.
  7. EG1894
    EG1894 avatar
    5 posts
    13 April 2021 in reply to socialmoth
    Thank you for your response. My mum is a very dominant female and can't stand that my boyfriend is a dominant male. I think she believes that he takes her power away from her. She is so used to controlling everyone in her life and unfortunately she can't control him and this might be why she can't stand him.
  8. EG1894
    EG1894 avatar
    5 posts
    13 April 2021 in reply to Juliet_84
    Thank you so much for your response, it really does help a lot. I am lucky that I have grandparents that support me, but unfortunately living under the same roof as my mum is extremely detrimental to my mental health.
  9. EG1894
    EG1894 avatar
    5 posts
    13 April 2021 in reply to Giraffe
    This is probably true, but hard to admit.
  10. BlueBorder
    BlueBorder avatar
    8 posts
    18 April 2021

    Hi EG1894, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I have a difficult and somewhat non existent relationship with my mother so I can definitely sympathise with you. It’s particularly difficult that you are living with your mum so you can’t really escape.

    I was going to initially say that it sounds like your Mum is a bit controlling and perhaps jealous that you are forming a relationship that she may see as threatening the relationship you have with her but given that she likes your ex maybe that’s not right or perhaps she felt she still had some control over you when you were in your previous relationship?

    Either way, it’s important to remember that you are your own person, you are capable and allowed to make your own life choices with or without your mum’s approval. This is something that I have only recently come to terms with myself. I know that I’m not really offering you a solution to this problem but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

    Also, the fact that you are getting the silent treatment is a bit of an indication of controlling and possessive behaviour. My mother did and does still do the same thing to me and she is the master of control and possession!

    Goodluck, these forums are great for support so I’m glad you’ve reached out.

  11. MumofOneSeekingSupport
    MumofOneSeekingSupport avatar
    2 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to EG1894

    Hi

    I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.
    Mother’s can be sources of such comfort and love, and when they aren’t it’s a massive wound for us.

    The most revolutionary thing I ever heard about familial relationships was - we don’t owe anyone any part of us. Boundaries can be so helpful and protect you from the harm her words and lack of love and support can do. They don’t come without push back but to keep yourself safe from her, they may very well be worth it. You can always do it in a loving and caring way.

    We don’t owe anyone any part of ourselves or access to our lives.
    I’m not saying cut her off but protecting yourself is an incredibly loving thing you can do for yourself

    I hope you can find a way to cope with her

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