Ben (not his real name) is an old friend of mine from school. We used to be quite close. I had a crush on him in school, which didn’t really lead to anywhere until we both graduated.
After we graduated school, he moved to a different state and I went to university. We would catch up whenever he was in town and things were always very flirty between us.
The last time we met up we ended up hooking up at the end of the night...which ended up being pretty awkward in all honesty. And that was the last I saw or heard anything from Ben. While I haven’t made an effort to reach out to him, I have held resentment towards him because he didn’t check to see that I was okay after we hooked up (I wasn’t). I felt that this was extremely disrespectful towards me, especially given that we were meant to be friends and as a result, Ben not checking up on me made me feel used and humiliated. A few months passed after our last date and since he didn’t reach out, I decided to delete him off social media. He definitely noticed, because I quickly realised that he unfollowed me on Instagram.
It’s been almost 5 years since I have seen or heard anything from Ben. I am also now in a loving relationship with someone else. But yet, especially over this last year, Ben has crossed my mind more and more frequently. I am torn between being resentful towards him and missing the friendship we used to have. These thoughts are becoming a lot more intrusive and I keep finding myself searching for him on social media. I'm even considering reaching out to him, but I am unsure what to say after all this time or if this is even a good idea.
I feel like I can't go on like this - I don't know why I keep ruminating on someone from the past when I have a great boyfriend right in front of me. How do I move on?