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Forums / Relationship and family issues / my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my depression

Topic: my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my depression

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Luttes
    Luttes avatar
    8 posts
    3 October 2014

    Been reading about it for years, been diagnosed with it now, been lurking this forum and others for months, been trying to ride the tide and not drown.

    Now I don't know what's left. Now I believe that my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my condition, for my illness.  Realistically, the only thing that has stopped me from topping myself is my two boys. Aside from that, I feel like a walking, breathing curse, like I'm good for nothing.  My step-daughter hates me as well and naturally has supported her mother kicking me out of the bedroom. I've tried so hard to apologise to all involved and it means nothing to any of them.  I thought my meds were working, but knowing how much my wife holds me responsible for everything that has gone wrong in her life - as though I deliberately planned it - there's nothing to help me through this.

    The one person I want to comfort me refuses to. I can't stop hating myself.

    beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

  2. Mares73
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Mares73 avatar
    748 posts
    6 October 2014 in reply to Luttes
    Dear Luttes thank you for the great courage you have shown in reaching out & sharing your story. I totally understand what it's like to feel self hate to the point it reduces you to feeling that you are nothing more than an existing person with no confidence or believe that you are worth anything. It's a terrible position to be in & I feel for you. You are suffering a serious illness & need support. On this site is a list of Gps specializing in treating depression . I would strongly suggest you find one near you & go along to discuss further treatment or to get a second opinion & review from a GP that is highly trained in this area. That's something to do for your benefit even though you don't feel worthy -because the illness is causing self hate & we need to help you get some support. As for your wife I'm sorry things sound so rough. Does she understand depression? There are fact sheets for family members on this site it might be worth showing her or asking her to attend the Dr appointment? You cannot be held responsible for everything she says is wrong with her life. She too has choices & I really hope given the dire home situation & the fact you want to get help-that she will consider coming with you because she doesn't sound like she has much empathy for your illness. And no you really don't want to hurt yourself-you want to destroy the pain you are in. And you mean the world to your sons even if you don't feel great about yourself. I'm concerned for you & hope you will consider the Gp review & get back to us about how things go with your wife. Also has she been understanding previously? Please take care & hope to hear back from you. Lve Mares x
  3. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    6 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    Hi Luttes,

    I have just noticed your post and hope you have been able to chase up some of the suggestions that Mares has given you. I also find support phone services a good idea, to actually talk with someone when the going does get a bit too tough. There is a great webchat you can use as well, the details are on this site.

    Your story shows you were in a really dark place when you wrote your post, I do so hope that you are feeling a bit better about yourself and life in general. Please keep reaching out until you find the help you need. Suicidal thoughts can be devastating, if you feel that low, please, please phone someone. Call the ambulance service they feel like they are your last resource, or take your self to the emergency department of a hospital and tell them there that you need help.

    I sometimes think family members and some friends just don't know how to help others, they become just as frustrated as the person who is suffering, and relationships go through horrible patches. I hope you are able to talk with your wife, that you can listen to each other and try to be understanding.

    You mentioned how much you love your sons, it sounds like you love your wife and your step daughter too, even though relationships are strained at present. It seems to be that you want to be there for all of them. Please don't give up on yourself or on them.

    I hope you get back to us so we know how you are going. Thinking of you,

    From Mrs. Dools

     

     

  4. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    6 October 2014 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Luttes, a warm welcome here to beyond Blue forums.

    I'm glad you have been reading our threads. You would almost know some of us as 'family' because, it takes one to know one so to speak and "birds of a feather".

    And this is why this site is so good, because many do not understand. Mares asked if your wife understands depression. If she doesnt then Mares suggestion is a good one with fact sheets and other info available. Hope you try that avenue.

    However, a large number of humans just dont get it and this is why we the sufferer often ends up being surrounded by their own kind. Tell tale signs are comments like "get over it" etc. 

    Is that their fault?  No not really. But it can make us disappointed when they, our loved ones, dont make effort to understand. Such effort can include reading, as you have, on this site on your chosen topic, going along with you to GP visits and the like. Effort is respected. Effort for some isnt possible. It could be their make up, their selfishness, their focus on themselves only or maybe they have fallen out of love with you. Step children also band together with their birth parent- that is all too common and is natural. But it damages your self esteem.

    In 1996 I felt similar to you. A wife that made life terrible with her silence and cruelty. Living with her was simply not possible. I recall (after I left) one day when I was living in my 3 metre long caravan looking in the mirror telling myself "you are a good man Tony, regardless of what she says. You deserve happiness and happiness is what you will strive to find."  And find it I did. It took courage and restarting my life in all aspects...but it was worth the wait and the persistence. Now I have one daughter that is simply perfect to me..

    If all your efforts drain away then I suggest you be bold and start anew.  Remember - children are resilient and better for them to be able to have a part time relationship with you than no relationship at all. Better for them to have the opportunity to get closer to their dad in years to come than not have one to get closer to at all. SURVIVAL should be your main aim at this time.   If your wife still loves you she will follow to get you back..

    Some time ago I wrote a post- "back to basics".  It basically means reversing from your life, your predicament, in order to "survive". Change of environment, less stress being the aim. Think medium to long term, not focus on comments and actions of those not working towards your well being.

    Take care

  5. Guest_5809
    Guest_5809 avatar
    332 posts
    6 October 2014 in reply to white knight

    I have 2 beautiful boys. They are my strength to keep going. You gave them life and they need you. I know things can be unbearable and wear you down but just remember you have value. Your boys need you. 

    Big hugs your way 

  6. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    7 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    dear Lutte, I hope that you are still checking your post, because the replies back to you have been terrific.

    When people are unfamiliar with what depression can do to someone else or themselves it creates a barrier, and those affected by this insidious disease struggle to find someone who believes in them or at least understands them, so we are cast away as a nobody.

    My wife (ex) slept in another room which seemed to be forever, because she had given up on me, which meant that she no longer tried to help me.

    I too have two beautiful sons, daughter in law and two gorgeous grand daughters that I love, but have decided to live by myself.

    I am pleased that you have now decided to post, because there could be so many comments that you can relate to, so now it's time to help you.

    I do hope that you can reply back to us, so that we can continue and offer our support. Geoff.

  7. Luttes
    Luttes avatar
    8 posts
    7 October 2014 in reply to geoff

    Thank you all you good folk for your replies. I find it interesting (and rather sad) that there are too many with spouses who remove their support and decide to become intolerant and cold.  What hurts me is just how opposite it is of everything my wife originally was, and how she'll exercise happiness and kindness to everyone except me - at least that's how it feels to me, and it's the thing that hurts the most.

    I cannot cope with the thought of being forced to leave - being kicked out of the bedroom is bad enough, being left desolate of any and all signs of affection.  Being without her will cause even more suffering because I have put such a significant emotional investment into being with her. 

    I know I haven't been the best husband, I know that I've said hurtful things in the past, my reasons for it were many and varied, and a lot of it was because of ignorance or naiveity - but she is doing what she is doing to me quite deliberately.  She claims she knows what it's like because of some sort of breakdown she had during her previous marriage (but she then went and put herself right back into the situations that she say contributed to that breakdown in the first place - go figure).  But does she really know what it's like for people with manic depression/bi-polar today - can she say with any certainty that she knows what it's like? And even if she does, why punish me for it?

    And this is all at odds with the Buddhism courses she's been attending and learning about.  Whilst I'm certainly sympathetic to Buddhism and what it can offer, it's made harder by the fact that she'll go to these meetings, and talk with people afterwards, presumably about love, compassion and tolerance, and then come home and speak so angrily and nastily to me over the most trivial, inconsequential thing I have to say.

    It's exhausting for me, it's SO exhausting. I'm so worn out and I have to go back to work next week.  What an effort that's going to be - the mask I have to put on, the amount of acting I have to do (sometimes I think I deserve an Oscar).

     

    Sorry everyone, just so worn out, I hope some of it's coherent.

  8. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    8 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    dear Luttes, I'm sorry for how you feel, but I can relate to your feeling of being unloved by your wife, devoid of affection is something that breaks your heart, as my ex was the same for at least the last year and a half, but the strange part is that we still talk and see each other and actually kiss each other now, but back then it only deepened my depression.

    It also annoyed me when she was happy with everybody else bar me, hoping that she may change her mind or attitude towards me, but no it never did back then.

    She has changed now but it's too late.

    I'm not sure that you are ready to go back to work, mask and all, because eventually you may fall apart, because you're half way there. Geoff.

  9. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    8 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    Dear Luttes,

    I'd like to encourage you to think of you for a while, consider all of the good things you still have and try to work on improving what ever you can with you.

    I have realised that I can not change anyone else, all I can do is to improve myself, and then the people around me may see a difference in me and relate to me differently.

    From experience, I know it is really hard to not let the hurt in, but somehow you need to reduce the amount of power and strength you give to your wife's behaviour.

    Like I mentioned, start working on you. You mentioned returning to work, give it a go. Yes, it may be difficult for you as Geoff has mentioned, you may have some real struggles, but if you are able to stick it out your self esteem will grow.

    If work becomes too much, don't think of it as a defeat, try to consider ways you can make it easier. Maybe before you return home, you could go for a walk to clear your head. Look around you and try to see the nice things in the world.

    If you and your wife are having an argument, tell her you don't want to do that anymore and walk away. Tell her you would like to chat, but when you are both at peace with yourselves.

    Build up your own sense of self. Do something that gives you enjoyment. Join a club or group yourself. Find other support so you are not just relying on your wife.

    I'm not suggesting at all that you block your wife out, on the contrary ask her how her day has been, ask her what is happening in her Buddhist classes, ask her out for a coffee, or to the movies. Suggest a family day at a park with the boys. I am not sure how old they are, so something age related would be a good idea. Try and plan some event where you can all have some fun together and bring a bit of laughter back into your life.

    Search the internet for self esteem ideas, look in your area for clubs you could join, improve your health in all ways, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually if you are that way inclined.

    Decide that today is the day you are going to make positive changes.

    Wishing you all the best with your new life that can start today. You have the power and the strength with in you to take a little step each day to change you!

    Enjoy the journey. Cheers for now, From Mrs. Dools

  10. Luttes
    Luttes avatar
    8 posts
    10 October 2014

    In total shock.

    Today my wife said she didn't want to be married to me anymore. She's not allowing any mediation or negotiating, I have no rights.

    I have no future, no hope, can't cope with being parted from her and my two boys.

     

     

    Can' t cope with the effort of living


    beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

  11. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    10 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    dear Luttes, this is so upsetting for you, but you can challenge any divorce she may proceed with as I could have done, but for me I didn't see any point because it wouldn't have changed her attitude towards me, we would be back to square one.

    At the moment it's going to hurt, but it won't stop you from seeing your boys.

    Can I say and I know that what I do isn't going to make you happy now, but once it happened I had to rebuild my relationship back with one out our two sons, and then after awhile contact my ex because the eldest son was getting married.

    It will change your life again but this doesn't mean that it's not going to be what you you want. Geoff.

  12. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    12 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    Dear Luttes,

    I am so very sorry to read your news and I am also sorry it has taken a while before I  have become aware of your situation. I had trouble connecting with Beyond Blue yesterday using the computer. Thankfully Geoff was able to connect and has acknowledged your situation.

    Okay. Right now you are probably not thinking at all clearly and your life feels like it is in turmoil and your heart probably feels like it is going to break!

    Geoff is correct in saying you still have rights. I suggest you get in contact with one of the phone help lines and discuss things with people there who will be able to direct you onto the right people to help and assist you through the separation.

    Immediate things to consider are your health and well being. Do you have a Dr supporting you who could also help you at this time with the extra strain on your mental health?

    Do you have somewhere you can stay for a while if your wife requests you to leave the house?

    Talk openly to your sons about what is going on, let them know that they are not the problem here. Tell them how much you love them and want to be with them.

    Right now you are probably still in shock and in great despair as it seems to me you were not expecting your wife's decision at all.

    Reach out to all the people you can right now, especially those who can give you professional advice and assistance. Talk to people  and write when you need to.

    Please keep us posted as to how you are managing. Look after yourself in all of this.

    I am thinking of you and acknowledge your pain and confusion right now. One step at a time and solutions will come. From Mrs. Dools.

     

     

  13. Luttes
    Luttes avatar
    8 posts
    16 October 2014 in reply to Doolhof

    There's nothing of any reason in her fait-accompli.  I'm sitting here listening to her on the phone to her daughter (who also hates my guts) and all I can feel is that they're all ganging up on me. He her and her daughter were at loggerheads until recently, now that they both hate me, they're getting on so well.

    I'm just in complete and total shock, I don't know what to do.  Nothing makes any sense.  It feels like she's been planning it for so long.  She's so incredibly aggressive toward me.

    And then the Buddhist stuff comes in to it. It's not her who's causing my suffering, it's my mind and the way I'm choosing to react to it.  but at the same time, I'm 1 million % responsible for the hurt she's felt "for the last 15 years" How does that work? It's as though I've done nothing decent at all over the years, as though I deliberately planned how to upset her. I mean I CAN'T STAND THIS TURMOIL, I WISH THE NIGHTMARE WOULD END.

    I can't stop loving her, even through this - it's killing me.

  14. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    20 October 2014 in reply to Luttes

    Hi Luttes,

    Sorry for the delay in my reply. I have been staying with my parents for a few days.

    I'm not really sure how to comment about your wife's definition of what has been happening over the years. Her reasoning does sound rather baffling to me as well. It also sounds like she has a lot of hurt, anger and frustration with in her.

    It is such a shame you were not able to seek help and guidance together before this situation between you both became such a problem. Hind sight is always good, but it is certainly not at all beneficial!

    Have you been able to organise some counselling, assistance, help for yourself to try and make sense of this situation?

    You obviously love your wife so very deeply. I wish I had the words to share to help you sort all of this out. I can just suggest you get professional help if you can, try to be a little more independent, try not to react to your wife's aggression to wards you, just walk away. Hard to do I know, but it will help you hopefully and it might reduce the sense of power she may feel she has over you.

    If you are able to change the dynamics of the household by being more calm and settled yourself, it might overflow to your wife.

    Remember all of the wonderful and great things you have managed to do over the years. I don't think you should share these memories with your wife right now, just keep them in your mind. Remember you are a very special and worthwhile person who is capable of loving and caring for others.

    Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools.

     

     

  15. Mares73
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Mares73 avatar
    748 posts
    20 October 2014
    Dear Luttes I'm so sorry to hear that things have progressed in the way they have. It's ironic that your wife is really into learning the principles of Buddhism-compassion, forgiveness & acceptance-yet she seems to forget all this when she's at home. Regardless of separation there is a legal mediation process especially when children are involved. So as hard as it is try remember she won't be able to stop you having access to yourcchildren-you could apply for joint custody & also you need to consider shared assets such as the family home. If you both own it then she can't claim all the assets. When the shock settles I suggest you seek legal advice. Even start with legal aid. I appreciate your very distressed & as others have mentioned you really need to get support from your Gp, Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Can you write a list of all your worries & then another list of possible supports. As much as your wife's words are hurting you, it's most important that you get support so you don't lose all your strength at a time you need it most. Please keep us updated. We all care for you. Lve Mares xx

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