It just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I should be happy or at least satisfied to a degree but it is never enough. I have three healthy children (7,10,16) , a hard working partner of 13 years who is proudly running his own business and keeping me in my labels. I truly don't know where I belong in this forum...I think I'm mostly anxious/melancholic.
He is still crunching numbers after 10pm in his office and he has a bad stomach too now plus excess weight. The business is just consuming him and yes I understand being busy is good but at the end of the week there is nothing left for us as his family because he is too tired or just wanting to do his own thing which is mainly gaming or texting on his iphone smiling? and lying on couch. And there is no family holidays. Last one was 3 years ago. I will add that he has told me that the main reason he doesn't go anywhere with us is because he can't stand Master 10's behaviour and it always ends up in an argument.
We never go anywhere together as a couple. Only Aldi or Safeway or to bank and café to discuss finances or...the children. It is not his fault. It is the only thing we can talk about otherwise we are just sighing over our coffee.
I miss our old life together. We were never great romantics but there was something there like his interest and motivation to do something together. These days it is me and the children mostly and as much as my partner and I love one another our relationship is like a very long business transaction. He provides me with money but not his presence being tired/busy or just plain unavailable. He takes calls all the time and uses big words I don't understand and talks of people I don't know like they are close friends of his.
Meanwhile, I have the children or the hair salon. Or the check-out operators at the supermarkets. Mostly I'm alone which isn't entirely a negative because I write poetry, short stories and sell on Ebay. And how can I put this last? - I keep the house clean and organize the cushions on the couch so it looks perfect. I take great pride in my house-keeping skills and I enjoy it.
Sometimes I just get a little frightened. There must be more than this. I am well dressed, fit and healthy (big on paleo and I don't touch alcohol, drugs or any medication). I'm not ready to resign/give up. I don't to die feeling like this but not ready to grow old either.
I really hope I didn't ramble. Feel better now for unloading anyhow
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